I am excited that Eli invited me over to have coffee on his virtual patio today. He came and sat around my fire pit last week, so it’s nice to see someone else’s crib. Don’t worry E, I won’t rifle through drawers and cabinets, but I will help myself to a snack and a beverage.
I am Ashley. I am from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others. I have five kids from ages 4-14 and another on the way. I write about the general shenanigans and tomfoolery that happen over at my place. I used a little more language over there, so if ya go visit don’t say you weren’t warned pull up a chair, top off your coffee, and let’s have some fun.
People say so many rude things to me on a daily basis. None of them have come up with anything new or clever, although they wholeheartedly believe they do. I like to have fun with it. So off the top of my head these are the best things I have used as a comeback. In real life, nine times out of 10, people wonder if they are being PUNKED when I open my mouth. When it comes to strangers, Shock and Awe are generally your best friend.
1. Bless your heart …
This is the southern F you. It usually comes at a time of high stress, and is delivered with a head tilt and a look of pity. “Kids are not a disease,” is my usual response. People generally start vehemently apologizing. Heck, one time my kids each scored a candy bar as an apology because the lady actually though she hurt our feelings….
2. Are you done yet? I can’t handle my two. I don’t know how you do it.
I still am not sure if this is a compliment or a condescension. It could be taken either way. Generally, the look of disgust on their face says its the latter. “When I only have three, I consider that a vacation. “Run along quitter, I don’t want to catch anything.”
3) Are you quiverful?
“Yeah, especially when I parallel park.”
4) Do you have them all the time?
“No, I picked them up from boarding school to go to the grocery store.”
5)You should get a TV in your bedroom …
“I do, we use it to drown out the sound.”
6. How are you not drunk all the time?
“That’s expensive…. Ooh wait, I have an alcohol fund…”
You would be surprised how many people start to go for their purse or wallet before they catch on.
7. Did you use fertility drugs?
“Yes, the extended release version. It stays in your system for 10 years. I figured I’d get my money’s worth.”
You wouldn’t believe how many people ask for the name so try can give it to someone who is having trouble getting preggers….idiots
8. Wouldn’t it be easier to have multiples?
“When God called, I told him it was OK, I can take one for the team and go one at a time.”
9. You and your husband are pretty active, huh?
* Usually with the recurrent head nod, little eyebrow action and if I’m lucky that day a cute little wink. I know what they mean but it’s more fun pretending not to…* “Yeah, we play baseball, volleyball. We do like to swim a lot. I mean we play soccer with the kids. I look like an infant with a weight on one side of their head trying to ride a bike…. Oh… Oooh…oh… How about you? Pretty kinky or wear a snuggie to bed?
10. How do you fit them in the car?
“we put seatbelts on the roof… We really like to reward the children when they are good.”
11. So you aren’t pro-choice?
in my beat country twang
“Sometimes Daddy lets me pick out the cereal. One time I got to get the expensive soap. I was just tickled when he let me pick out my own Christmas dress.”
12. Are they all yours? You had them all?
“Hey look, there’s a loner – go get him. Hurry, before anyone notices!”
The horrifying look on their face is worth their ignorance….
13. Do you work?
“Well, I was a guinea pig for this condom company, but they shut down last week.”
The person I told this to was severely concerned. She begged for the name. I told her I couldn’t tell her because I signed an non-compete. (Which, by the way, has NOTHING to do with keeping quiet.) Stupid people are so amusing!
14. Do you know what causes that?
“Yeah… I’m pretty sure it’s contagious.”
They hit the road fairly quickly after that…
15. You’re crazy!!!
“I haven’t been caught since the last time I escaped the asylum… So I guess I’m good now.”
16. Do you use government services?
“Quick…look… Over there, behind that bush. No not that one, my kid is squeezing the lemon over there. THAT ONE. It’s the secret service…quit looking…don’t let them see you, they will think I told you….”
When he asked what? Very concerned and anxious to find out I just answered “the secret of mass fertility to the general public.”
17. Your hands are full …
Usually I answer with a “better full than empty,” but one day this broad had followed me through the store watching, just waiting for her chance to be an arse. So I handed her the biggest thing in my cart, a small bookshelf, and said “now yours are too.”
Did I feel bad when she dropped it on her foot? No….I call that karma.
For some reason people think they can have an opinion on large families. This is me starting a rebellion. Join in. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t count my kids as we walk by…I always know.