You know coaches love stats.
I’m a coach. I love stats.
Some are less disturbing than others. Like, the Denver Broncos averaging 51.5 points per game in their past two victories. Or Grace averaging 1.0 goals per game in her past two matches. Or me averaging 2.3 pizza crusts from my girls on a given Pizza Phriday night.
Today, though, the stats are grim.
Four of 5 of today’s Go Ask Daddy questions deal with the unliving or unborn. I’m not talking zombies, unless you count certain major-league baseball managers, whose stressful summers render them a degree zombified. (Fox Sports close-ups of Joe Torre’s mug tell you all you need to know.)
Corpses, dead rock legends, in utero babies and prehistoric man comprise Go Ask Daddy today.
Let’s get to it.
1. How deep do they bury dead people?
Turns out the whole 6-feet-under thing is a concept and suggestion, not a tradition.
Depending on where one’s interred, a casket could go a meter below ground, or 18 feet. Underground water tables make for tricky casket spots, and if one plans to get stacked up for eternity with a spouse or favorite horse, they’d better settle in at a depth, maybe even as far as 18 feet.
None of your goldfish are buried anywhere near 6 feet deep, incidentally.
2. How do they pick baseball all-star game managers?
First, they have to be alive … and this has come into play before.
This season’s World Series managers are next season’s all-star managers. The game determines home-field advantage for the next World Series, so it’s important. Bob Lemon, despite being fired as Yankees manager after the ’81 World Series, managed the AL all-star team the next season.
After the 1964 season, both World Series managers switched teams and leagues in the offseason: Johnny Keane left the Cardinals for the Yankees, who lost manager Yogi Berra to the Mets. Fred Hutchinson led the Reds to the league’s second-best record, and would have managed the NL in the all-star game – had he not died in the offseason. The Phillies’ Gene Mauch took Hutchinson’s place.
So, back to the unliving …
3. Is Elvis dead?
The evidence is overwhelming.
- Sightings in Kalamazoo and Ottawa
- A quick funeral (a day after his death)
- Inconsistencies in his death certificate
- Conspiracy theories that revolve around mafia involvement, a wax-figure corpse in his coffin and a job today as a DEA agent
- A flower delivered after his death to a former lover from “El Lancelot,” a pet name only she would have known
- We also have elvis-is-alive.com and the Elvis is Alive 5K
There’s also an autopsy report, though. It says Elvis Aron Presley, sufferer of hypertension and heart problems and just a bit older than your daddy, died of natural causes. And two Elvis is Alive museums have closed their doors. No one believed the hype. It’s as if Elvis has left the buildings.
Today, we have Elvis Grbac, Elvis Dumervil, and Renelvis, a Mexican Elvis impersonator. And a legacy of bluesy, edgy, gyrating rock and roll that changed American pop forever. Thankyouverymuch.
4. When you’re pregnant, does the baby eat?
Just not peanut butter and banana sandwiches, like the King did.
NPR’s Gretchen Cuda-Kroen reported that if you want your kids to eat veggies, start early – what mom eats, especially a nursing mom, like all of you had, not only nourishes baby, but it also sets the tone for what she’ll like as she gets older.
Which is interesting … mom had favorites for you each:
Elise: Broccoli baked potatoes from Wendy’s
Marie: Two bean burritos, no onions, from Taco Bell
Grace: Egg croissant and hash browns from Burger King
Junk-food junkies. Of course, I also got in on the act. You know, sympathy hunger pangs.
Only I could have mine right out of the sack. Yours got filtered through an umbilical cord, which is lke one snaking silly straw in an amniotic stew.
5. Are cavemen real?
Yes, although there are no Cavemen Are Alive museums. Well, unless you count the Oakland raiders’ hall of fame.
A caveman is actually an amalgamation, a mash-up of all prehistoric man, from Neanderthals to Fred Flintstone to the Detroit Red Wings’ second line. You’ll see dinosaurs and cavemen depicted as contemporaries, but this is false. It’d be like the Los Angeles Lakers in the second round of last season’s playoffs.
None of this is doing justice to the caveman, you know. And I haven’t even linked one to those stinkin’ L.A. dodgers.