5 For Friday: Things My Elf Would Do That Would Make Your Elf On a Shelf Culturally Uncomfortable

White America – here’s to you.

No, seriously. This isn’t a Brown Power blog making fun of you. Well, not completely. I love your contributions to our American heritage. You know, cookouts, singing Christmas trees, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

The one thing I wish you’d left in the box: Elf on The Shelf.

I choose not to participate. My youngest is too old, at the ripe age of 8. I’m just as busy as any of you. I’d rather eat the snacks I’ve hidden from them and watch Ghost Adventurers on Netflix after they go to bed, not hide a damned elf.

Let’s face it: The Elf’s kinda … white.

Disclaimer: I actually found a darker-skinned elf on eBay, Spanish Edition, for $35. I thought there was a conspiracy at play until I noticed y’all are paying around $30 for the pale version. A $5 variance between races is within the accepted range.

But barely. You know what I could do with $5? That’s, like, five dollar-menu items.

No thank you.

Especially when I read blogs about the terror that little KGB-sponsored snitch inflicts on kids petrified about touching the little cretin or spilling the secret and thus ruining Christmas for everyone. That’s a lot of stress.

But let’s say I went along with this month-long scare tactic, for blogging purposes only. Rather than just printing out the lyrics to 50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train and following them to a tee, here’s what a guy like me might do:

(I understand y’all name your magical munchkins. So, meet Rajonito, the wee Latino tattletale).

1. Tebowing. Or planking.

A good start. I think white folks invented planking. Tim Tebow, my hero, is actually white. But imagine Rajonito in the pious Tebow position, right alongside the wise men in the manger scene. Or, face down and prone, right on top of the manger.

Rajonito’s note:

Don’t forget the reason for the season. It starts with the baby and ends with Jesus. Merry Christmas! P.S. Be good. I’m watching. P.S.S. Don’t touch me. I mean it.

2. Blending in.

The kids would have a sense of humor about this. I think. I imagine adding a holiday ingredient to the milkshakes they so love: A dash of an elf. (They’re washable, right?) Rajonito would have his face plastered to the inside of the blender, arms wide, that knowing grin on his face.

Rajonito’s note:

Don’t get ‘mixed up’ with the wrong crowd, ninas. Or your favorite elf will ‘split,’ lickety-split. P.S. I’m watching you. P.S.S. Don’t tell your friends about me. Or else.

3. Thug life

I knew those colors were going to get this vato in trouble! You can’t go around all neighborhoods in all red and expect never to cross paths with the rival gang. Today, Rajonito would reassert his territory by spray-painting the wall and fridge – and

You can’t go around all neighborhoods in all red and expect never to cross paths with the rival gang. Today, Rajonito would reassert his territory by spray-painting the wall and fridge – and blame the kids.

Rajonito’s note:

Once you’re in, you’re always in. And Santa’s your boss. Comprende? P.S. We know who your friends are. P.S.S. You’re not going to wear that blue sweatshirt to school, are you?

4. Privacy, please?

I don’t even know if the kids have one, but I’m pretty sure they do: A Barbie or Little People toilet. Rajonito will welcome them on his throne, with a newspaper on his lap. Hey, elves are people too. Kind of.

I might add a Raisinette or two in the commode. You know, for authenticity.

Rajonito’s note:

Dude! Don’t you knock first? P.S. We know when you flush and when you wash your hands. Remember that. P.S.S. Spare some toilet paper, amigas?

5. Pay up – or the elf gets it

Rather than find their favorite gang-banger elf engaged in some mischievous undertaking involving candy canes and gumdrops, they find a bent cookie cutter and mess of powdered sugar – the scene of a struggle. Oh, and a ransom note:

Do WhAt We SaY, oR tHe ElF gEtS iT
oUr DeMaNdS: $7 iN cAsH, a BlOcK oF cHeEsE, aNd A sTaCk Of ToRtILLas.
P.S. oH, aNd A bOtTLe Of WiNe FoR yOuR mOm.
P.S.S. aNd WaSh YoUr DaD’s CaR.

You know, I might have to reconsider the whole elf idea.

This multi-cultural elf might be next year’s Tickle Me Elmo.