Five For Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Tall Motorists, Candy Shells and Digestive Physics of Two-Headed Sea Serpents

2012: A Year of Learning.

How else to label a 12-month span of kids questions, duly Googled and answered for those in the blogosphere?

You learned along with us. About Otis Redding. About reproductive science. About what’s really in your eyelids.

About the American consumer poultry industry.

So, in a way, this Friday feature has gone from a weekly laugh to a very serious public service.

“Ask not what your country can do for you,” John F. Kennedy famously asked of Americans, “but what you can do for your country.”

Sir, I’m at your service.

1. What do people with long necks do? Or people who are really tall?

Grace asked this as we watched the latest ultra-mini compact hood-ornament-to-tail-pipe-no-bigger-than-a-large-pizza-box automobile chugging down the road.

Consumer reports actually publishes a list of cars for the tall and short (and no, I don’t know where my Pontiac Grand-Am falls in the scale. It’s perfect for me). MSN autos has a list of cars fit for the basketball tall in this world – the Cadillac Escalade, Chevy Corvette (surprisingly enough) and the Dodge Avenger get high marks for their abundance of head and leg room.

None are easy on the wallet off the lot, or at the fuel pump, which makes me even more elated to be of compact stature myself.

2. Why do people who smoke hang out outside stores and restaurants?

You girls were born after the advent of such life necessities as drive-thrus that accept debit cards, car phones that weigh less than 10 pounds and stuffed toys that talk when you squeeze their hands.

You also just missed the era of the smoking and non-smoking sections in restaurants. Where you’d ask for non-smoking, and some bloke in the next booth would light up. Or the place had a half wall between smoking and non, which maintained an effectiveness about as good as labor laws that give Walmart workers 15-minute breaks.

They stand outside stores and restaurants to smoke, right by the door, so that the suction physics of automatic doors can woosh the smoke right back in to us non-smokers and efficiently deliver the second-hand smoke to our lungs that the pesky smoking bans denied us of before.

3. What is M&M candy coating made of?

Did you hear the rumor that it was made of secretions from the lac beetle? Totally untrue. I think they’re used on Skittles, though.

You can thank part of your widespread heritage for M&M’s candy coating, girls: Soldiers in the Spanish Civil War were said to use sugar coating to keep their chocolate bits from melting in their pockets in the heat of battle. The motto back then was “melts in your mouth, not in your hands – or from gunfire, sniper fire or grenade-generated explosions.”

The coating today is made of sugar and corn syrup. And in the case of the sultry green M&M, a goodly dose of je ne sais quoi.

4. Do they make French fries with ketchup in them already?

Inventive minds or unprecedented laziness – which spurs this question?

No matter. Mankind has combined things for convenience for centuries. Stagecoaches with GPS. Cell phones with cameras. Eating fried chicken and watching auto racing. But this, this could be evolutionary. Imagine not slopping on yourself while trying to dip a fry when you’re driving. Or the energy you’d save from not having to dip in the first place.

Dangit. Looks like they beat us to it with US patent number US7867536.

We’re late again, Elise. I should have done something 10 years ago when you drew that picture of the cell phone with the glass face and “buttons” for listening to music, writing email and taking pictures.

5. Where does the poop come out?

Once in a while, a question goes unanswered.

Not often. In fact, this might be the first.

The question pertains to the two-headed sea serpent that pursues the kids in Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams. The behemoth rises menacingly out of the sea, two nasty, hungry heads working in unison to nab a kid-sized snack right there outside the Island of Lost Dreams.

Grace and I could have had a thought bubble rise between us with this arcane musing.

A South Carolina family allegedly found a two-headed snake in September. Perhaps this specimen is a descendant of the Spy Kids beast. They’re formed like Siamese twins, although usually two heads appear on one end, not one on each end.

I know, I know. This doesn’t answer the question, does it?

Thing is, on Google, NO ONE seems to realize the importance of this mystery. Not even the Fox News reporter who saw the South Carolina two-headed snake first-hand.

Conventional serpents have a small slit through which they excrete waste. This slit is usually located near the tail. Which is a problem when there IS NO TAIL.

Geez. It’s no tall tale, and there’s no way to really candy-coat the idea that the slits might end up right under the mouth of each of the serpent’s heads, which would explain the testy disposition of such a creature. But to avoid an open-ended answer, and to deflect some of the politician jokes that are sure to accompany such a conclusion as words and waste coming from the same general vicinity, I’m going to say the beast’s poop comes out right smack dab in the middle.

And look at it this way, kids. This monster could have one head outside smoking, while the other stays inside in relative warmth.

Where he can get all the second-hand smoke he wants.


  1. rsrote says:

    out of the mouth and minds of children!! This post is a HOOT!!!

    1. Thanks! I can’t believe I wrote so extensively about fictional monster poop.

  2. Chris Carter says:

    HA! I always love reading your Five for Fridays!!! You need to put them all in a book… and publish it!! Creative and totally genius!!

    1. I think publishers want more decisive answers when it comes to the mystery of the two-headed serpent, though.

      Future Five for Friday posts include one on Grace’s top 5 injuries (she and I had to narrow it down!), Our five favorite movie dog snatchers, and five things that suck about being poor.

      Thanks Chris!

  3. Rosey says:

    Oh geez, this post made me remember that I forgot to put the Skittles in hubby’s packed lunch today. DANG IT!!!

    The post made me laugh. I saw football on another post when I pulled the site up. A complete aside, but Spartans won their bowl game, woot! Now I’m going to check out the post. 🙂

    1. I bet he was TICKED. Just tell him you did it for him, because of the beetle shells.

      Oh, I like to write about some football, but I figure most readers don’t come here for football! Great game for your Spartans by the way against Texas Christian. I thought Michigan State was a play or two away from playing in a much better bowl this season, by the way.

  4. It’s amazing the things you get from your kids. Now that my kids are approaching adulthood they don’t like to be reminded of the things we loved when they were little. But it is these stories, these questions that will stay with you for life and make life worth living.

    1. Absolutely. They don’t have an expiration for we dads, like they do for the kids, do they?

  5. Melany says:

    Love this! Hysterical. You have some very smart kiddies with great questions for coachdaddyblogger? Fries with ketchup inside – GREAT IDEA! Why don’t you check if there is a patent on corndogs filled with mustard? YUM!

    1. Thanks Melany! They ask some doozies, and they know when I jot it in a note on my phone, it’s going to Google. So, like, mustard *inside* the corndog? We could be on to something here, Mel. We could be on to something … I’d also like to invent a cheeseburger that the buns are actually two more cheeseburgers.

      I shouldn’t probably admit that.

  6. Hi so funny. I want ketchup in my fries so I don’t have to fool with those aggravating ketchup packs.

  7. I fear the fry/ketchup combo as I’ve always been adverse to the combination peanut butter/jelly jar. Things need to be kept separate until they’re combined. This is a good food rule.

    I would wager the poop comes out where the two bodies connect. And people with long necks are why so many cars have a sun roof.


    Nailed it!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Don’t live in fear – do you know how much time I save by scooping once (OK, three times) and getting all the jelly and peanut butter on my tortilla that any man could want?

      Seconds. Several seconds.

      Yes, that’s the logical point of poop, but the theory that it came out near the jawbone of either end was kind of disturbing. And largely inefficient.

      Didn’t Dino just stick his head out of the roof on the Flintstones?

      Blam indeed. You need to come back here regularly.

  8. Megan Walker says:

    Haha! This post made me laugh, especially about the monster poop. I mean good point: everyone poops, so how does the monster do his business???

    Thanks for stopping by Hump Day Happenings!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Not just any monster – a two-headed monster. I wish I had a better image of a two-headed monster. I should ask them at the zoo about this.

      I hope never to miss another Happenin’s again. Unless I’m being pooped out by a two-headed serpent. Then, count on me in a week. Or so.

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