5 For Friday: Kid Parties That Will Never Work

photo credit: North Charleston 2016 Harvest Festival & Block Party via photopin (license)

We do some wacky stuff for kids parties.

Ponies. Clowns. Singing mice. That used to be enough. Now, we rent out restaurants. Create horse-riding adventures. Rent bounce houses and cotton-candy machines and maybe even boy bands.

Every year becomes a practice in topping what we did last year. Or what the last kid did.

You served hot dogs and had Lady Gaga sing for your kid’s party? Well, we’ll get Ke$ha and serve pizza. Deep.dish. The Party of the Year can have a few gems on the editing room floor. Some doozies on the “not quite list.”

A handful of award-winners that just didn’t see the light of day.

Here’s a few that didn’t pass the test. I’m not suggesting anyone start crafting the invites, but if they get you thinking outside the party box …

1. Political party party

photo credit: Ron Cogswell Ball’s Bluff 155th Battle Anniversary Leesburg (VA) October 2016 via photopin (license)

Attire: Red or blue, according to your political affiliation (Actually, the kids’ parents, unless it’s Alex P. Keaton). Independents can wear camo or pink. Lobbyists wear green.

Props: Political signage that reads “Marie in 2023” or “Grace for Congress.” Red, white and blue bunting. All kids in blue sit on one side of the table, those in red on the other. Libertarians have to pick a side.

Party Favors: Stimulus funny money, American dollar toilet paper, madlib absentee ballots.

Games: Pin the tail on the donkey, hanging chad scavenger hunt, debate/Greco-Roman wrestling matches.

The Catch: If the birthday girl is a democrat, she has to disperse all her gifts in the end to the kids in attendance.

2. Let’s Change Dad’s Oil party

car grill

Attire: Coveralls, steel-toe boots and a cap that depicts either a NASCAR team, energy-drink logo or inflammatory remark about politics or the female form.

Props: Lug nuts in the candy dishes, bowl of Texas tea, and a surprise visit from the Michelin man.

Party Favors: Work gloves, girly calendar and a first-aid kit.

Games: Match that oil filter to the car, 30w vs. 40w oil taste test, diagnose that engine knock.

The Catch: Little kids have little hands, making them perfect for reaching oil filters on foreign cars.

3. Thug It Out/Punk It Out Party

Attire: Gang colors, baggy pants, smelly raiders cap, in a pinch.

Props: “The party’s here!” spray-painted graffiti-style on the garage door, police tape around the perimeter, uncensored rap music.

Party Favors: Plastic brass knuckles and nose rings, mug shots/finger printing for every party girl and boy, electronic ankle monitors that dispense candy,

Games: Guess that gang signal, temporary tattoos with Sharpies, pin the tail on the law enforcement officer.

The Catch: If the real cops show up, everybody run!

4. Pitch-Black Party

Attire: Black, of course. Knit caps and turtlenecks if possible, and black gloves.

Props: Nothing. It’s dark.

Party Favors: Black licorice, mini flashlights (without batteries), band-aids and ice packs (in case party-goers run into each other, the walls, or any metal polls).

Games: Marco Polo (without the swimming pool), Man on the Ground, Find the Pinata (everyone gets a bat.)

The Catch: You’ll have to give out those funny sunglasses you get at the eye doctor when the party lets out, because the kids’ eyes will likely still be dilated.

5. Disney Channel kids show party

Attire: Dress as your favorite Disney character – no, not Mickey and Goofy. The petulant kids, tweens and teens that make up the tribe of miscreants our kids seem to worship.

Props: Copious snack food, rock-band instruments (87.6 percent of Disney kids are in, aspire to be in, or have a boyfriend/girlfriend who is in a band), and a curious absence of any competent parental figures.

Party Favors: Magic wands, shaggy kid wigs, copies of “Mouthing Of To Parents Weekly.”

Games: Laugh-track Olympics, cupcake throwing contest, Parent Pinata.

The Catch: Parents must go to the market or remain in oblivious stupor in an upstairs room for the balance of the party, only to descend upon the party, feign utter disgust at the activity and resulting mess, then fail to render any sort of consequence. To anyone.


  1. Lisa says:

    I bet it’s very hard planning kids parties! The presents wish list gets more spendy too as they get older!

    1. For my girls, it’s always hard, because two of their birthdays are during the last week of soccer season. But what could be better than winning a championship on your birthday?

      Yes, their tastes become more expensive as they get older. Gone are the days a packet of Little Pet Shop or Polly Pockets will do the trick.

  2. Pitch-black party – I may have to borrow that one for my 40th! Black is slimming, right? 🙂

    1. Pitch-black is perfect for a 40th – I did it, and I got to eat as many slices of pizza as I wanted to. So in my case, black wasn’t *purely* slimming.

  3. Chris Carter says:

    Oh those are AWESOME party ideas!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I especially love the Democrat giving all her gifts to everyone at the end of the party. Hilarious!!! You wit always blows me away… 🙂

    1. it’s so hard NOT to have fun with politics, right? Best we show the kiddies socialism in action at an early age. Thanks Chris!

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