Guest Post: Ashley from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others, on Getting Punked, Mommy Style


photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc
photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc

I am excited that Eli invited me over to have coffee on his virtual patio today. He came and sat around my fire pit last week, so it’s nice to see someone else’s crib. Don’t worry E, I won’t rifle through drawers and cabinets, but I will help myself to a snack and a beverage.

ARphoto

I am Ashley. I am from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others. I have five kids from ages 4-14 and another on the way. I write about the general shenanigans and tomfoolery that happen over at my place. I used a little more language over there, so if ya go visit don’t say you weren’t warned ๐Ÿ™‚ pull up a chair, top off your coffee, and let’s have some fun.

People say so many rude things to me on a daily basis. None of them have come up with anything new or clever, although they wholeheartedly believe they do. I like to have fun with it. So off the top of my head these are the best things I have used as a comeback. In real life, nine times out of 10, people wonder if they are being PUNKED when I open my mouth. When it comes to strangers, Shock and Awe are generally your best friend.

1. Bless your heart …

 

This is the southern F you. It usually comes at a time of high stress, and is delivered with a head tilt and a look of pity. “Kids are not a disease,” is my usual response. People generally start vehemently apologizing. Heck, one time my kids each scored a candy bar as an apology because the lady actually though she hurt our feelings….

2. Are you done yet? I can’t handle my two. I don’t know how you do it.

I still am not sure if this is a compliment or a condescension. It could be taken either way. Generally, the look of disgust on their face says its the latter. “When I only have three, I consider that a vacation. “Run along quitter, I don’t want to catch anything.”

3) Are you quiverful?

“Yeah, especially when I parallel park.”

4) Do you have them all the time?

“No, I picked them up from boarding school to go to the grocery store.”

5)You should get a TV in your bedroom …

 

“I do, we use it to drown out the sound.”

6) How are you not drunk all the time?

“That’s expensive…. Ooh wait, I have an alcohol fund…”

You would be surprised how many people start to go for their purse or wallet before they catch on.

photo credit: Mikael Colville-Andersen via photopin cc
photo credit: Mikael Colville-Andersen via photopin cc

7. Did you use fertility drugs?

“Yes, the extended release version. It stays in your system for 10 years. I figured I’d get my money’s worth.”

You wouldn’t believe how many people ask for the name so try can give it to someone who is having trouble getting preggers….idiots

8. Wouldn’t it be easier to have multiples?

“When God called, I told him it was OK, I can take one for the team and go one at a time.”

9. You and your husband are pretty active, huh?

 

* Usually with the recurrent head nod, little eyebrow action and if I’m lucky that day a cute little wink. I know what they mean but it’s more fun pretending not to…* “Yeah, we play baseball, volleyball. We do like to swim a lot. I mean we play soccer with the kids. I look like an infant with a weight on one side of their head trying to ride a bike…. Oh… Oooh…oh… How about you? Pretty kinky or wear a snuggie to bed?

10. How do you fit them in the car?

“we put seatbelts on the roof… We really like to reward the children when they are good.”

11. So you aren’t pro-choice?

in my best country twang

 

“Sometimes Daddy lets me pick out the cereal. One time I got to get the expensive soap. I was just tickled when he let me pick out my own Christmas dress.”

12. Are they all yours? You had them all?

“Hey look, there’s a loner – go get him. Hurry, before anyone notices!”

The horrifying look on their face is worth their ignorance….

13. Do you work?

“Well, I was a guinea pig for this condom company, but they shut down last week.”

The person I told this to was severely concerned. She begged for the name. I told her I couldn’t tell her because I signed an non-compete. (Which, by the way, has NOTHING to do with keeping quiet.) Stupid people are so amusing!

14. Do you know what causes that?

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure it’s contagious.”

*cough cough*

They hit the road fairly quickly after that…

15. You’re crazy!!!

“I haven’t been caught since the last time I escaped the asylum… So I guess I’m good now.”

16. Do you use government services?

“Quick…look… Over there, behind that bush. No not that one, my kid is squeezing the lemon over there. THAT ONE. It’s the secret service…quit looking…don’t let them see you, they will think I told you….”

When he asked what? Very concerned and anxious to find out I just answered “the secret of mass fertility to the general public.”

17. Your hands are full …

Usually I answer with a “better full than empty,” but one day this broad had followed me through the store watching, just waiting for her chance to be an arse. So I handed her the biggest thing in my cart, a small bookshelf, and said “now yours are too.”

Did I feel bad when she dropped it on her foot? No….I call that karma.

For some reason people think they can have an opinion on large families. This is me starting a rebellion. Join in. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t count my kids as we walk by…I always know.

 

Advertisements

44 thoughts on “Guest Post: Ashley from Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others, on Getting Punked, Mommy Style

  1. All I can say is wow. I loved your comment to “Do You Work?” That one had me laughing out loud! Enjoyed your post immensely!! Have a great day!

  2. I’m surprised in this day and age no one asked you if they all have the same Father. I only have three and I’ve gotten that, like “Um are they all from your first marriage?” Yea, considering I’ve only ever had one marriage, they all look exactly the same and they all have the same last name um yea. You people have been watching too much Maury Povich…

  3. Hilarious! I am from a family of 5 kids and I have 4 of my own and two are twins. I love when I get, “Are they all natural?” I always answer with, “No, they are all fake.” The work question cracked me up. The boarding school one made me laugh out loud. What constitutes a large family anyway? And who is to judge? If it is 4, I’ll join you in your rebellion.

  4. Haha I love your come backs! I have 6 between 6 and 16, so I know how it is.
    I think the one that bugs me the most is “You do know what causes that?”. Love that you found a way to get a laugh out of it.
    Also get a lot of “You must really like kids” – geez people how about learning to STFU?

  5. I have two. I went through In Vitro 4 times and was pregnant with 5 kids so I’m lucky to have these two. I took a lot of crap from people who thought they had the right to judge me because of what I had to go through. I had a few comebacks, but I wish I had known you when mine were little, you could have helped me out with some better material!
    AND some of the worst judgements were before I had kids. All through my struggles I had to listen to people (who didn’t know what I was going through) ask me why I didn’t have kids. LOVE this saying: “Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.”

  6. I only have 4 (age 3-13) and I get a lot of the same comments, especially the “don’t you know what causes that” comment drives me insane! Love this post I laughed out loud more than once reading it.

  7. My response when people asked me why I didn’t have kids yet (which would also work for do you know what causes that) was ‘My mom always said she would explain it to me when I got older, but she never did. Can you explain it to me?’ Usually shut people up pretty quickly.

  8. OMGOSH this was hilarious!!! I want to run into you and say one of these things, JUST to get your awesome come back- and then we both will just totally loose it!!! The boarding school is my favorite. Ya know though- EVERY mom gets stupid comments and looks- just for different things. Crying kid? Crying mom? Food being thrown? Nursing in public? Pregnant? (Oh look out for that one especially! Am I right?!) You name it. People always have an opinion. Always ridiculous and completely and thoroughly ludicrous. Geez….
    You look like you are about 23 and you have five kids… i wonder if you get a few of those “How old ARE you anyway???” I bet your kids are gorgeous!!!

  9. I get “Your hands are full” often with my 3 kids – all very close in age. Next time someone says that to me, I am going to take a cue from you and take something out of my shopping cart and put it in the hand of the person that says that to me. I seriously love that!

  10. I only have 3 and I still get the “are they all yours?” quizzical look.
    cripes, it’s only 3 – I’m not a Duggar or anything. And or course it is always followed up by the inevitable “are you done?”. like my reproductive schedule is any of their concern.
    I find when I reply, “since I like to climb their father like a cat up the drapes…one never knows, right?”
    boy do they scurry off after that ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. I love when people argue with me: Them: “How many kids do you have?” Me: “7.” Them:”Sev–, what? No. No you don’t have seven. No.” Me: “You’re right, with my step-kids I have 9.” Stupid-heads.

  12. I’ve heard most of those along with a few others, people really should just learn to keep their mouths shut.

  13. I have 4 of my own and my husband has 4. I love to say we have 8 kids and watch people almost pass out…and I did, just last night get “where did you put them all??” honestly?? umm they didn’t all come out at once you moron! and I love when they find out the oldest is 23 and the youngest is 6. They look at me and say, “you look great for your age” or “you must have started when you were 10!” I just shake my head and think, “you can’t fix stupid” and walk away…

    1. Update: Ashley just had another! Can’t wait until the kid’s old enough to go shopping.

      Wow, really, where did you put them all? Any space available – like, between the ears of the person who asked, right?

      You’re right, you can’t fix stupid, can you? But you can blog about it!

      Thanks Laurie. I’ll tell Ashley to come back here and comment. It’ll make her bed rest fun.

  14. I have 4…2&3 are 2yrs an d 11 days apart. I get asked….are they twins? I look them dead in the eye….and say…yes., I was in labor for 2 yrs and 11 days…. idiot….
    I also get the….oh my you have your hands full! I give them the same reply….I’d rather have my hands full then my arms empty!
    Will you have any more? They arent puppies…..
    I have shut down the baby factory…..

  15. #13 made me laugh so much. I can’t understand why people think it is okay to make comments about the number of children someone decides to have (or what leads to it). Crazy.

    1. The crazy thing is, these are real questions! There’s that disconnect between brain and mouth. Lack o’ filter. When a mama can make these kinds of comebacks, though … all is right in the universe.

Say what you need to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s