5 For Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Quicksand, Balls and Strikes, and Scary Movies

photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc
photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc

Finally, all the chicken wings are gone.

It didn’t take long. Jen and all her friends made quick work of them all.

Which is OK – I don’t need the distraction. The kids have a great lineup of Go Ask Daddy questions all ready to roll, covering everything from women’s football to trippy Beatles songs. They keep me busy. And on my toes.

The questions can be tough, like No. 5. I’ll probably have nightmares about dinosaurs tonight because of it.

Thanks, Grace.

1. Do you sink faster in quick sand if you move around?

photo credit: Cecilia Espinoza via photopin cc
photo credit: Cecilia Espinoza via photopin cc

Like it has for the talents of former SNL star Kristen Wiig, TV has greatly exaggerated the affects of quicksand.

Quicksand – a not-so-lethal combination of clay, fine sand and salt water – can’t pull you under completely. At higher stresses, it liquifies, causing any trapped body to sink. But you’re likely to sink only to your waist.

That doesn’t make for great drama. If you move around, you’ll sink faster. You should, however, wiggle your legs to make space between you and the quicksand for water to move into. This will loosen the sand, and you’ll be able to eventually climb out – with or without a vine tossed at the last moment.

If Kristen Wiig’s doing the Penelope gig on Saturday Night Live while I’m slowly descending into quicksand? I’ll take my chances with the sand.

2. Do they have girls’ football?

Good gravy – I just pictured you and your sisters in helmets and pads. The damage you could do … mainly to each other.

My friend Sara English played semi-pro football for the Carolina Cougars, and showed off her bruises to the sports desk at the newspaper where we used to work. The Independent Women’s Football League has teams in the U.S. and Canada, including two in the Carolinas – the Phoenix and the Queens.

The league has some cool helmets and really skilled players, not to mention sweet nicknames like the Nightmare, Wreckers, and Illusion.

A former client of mine, Katie Zellner, used to talk Packers football with me, and knows football. She also played for the Green Bay Chill in the LFL – the Lingerie Football League. Yeah, the play in lingerie. But the rivalries are real, and so are the hits.

I can argue for and against any uniform, in any sport and any league, and these are no exception, as a man and a dad. But football is football. Decide for yourself.

3. What’s the major difference in rules for softball and baseball?

Softball began your pop’s illustrious and laughable athletics career. Yep. It all started with a team called the Greeley Grapes. We sported red polyester hats, curiously, and I wore jeans and a big Seattle Seahawks belt buckle during games. The 70s rocked.

My favorite softball player is Texas A&M’s Jenna Stark; my favorite baseball player is Jordan Pacheco. In case you were wondering.

The three main differences are these:

  • Softball is played with a ball 12 inches in circumference; a baseball is 9 inches
  • Pitchers throw underhand in softball, off a flat surface, 45 feet from home plate; they throw overhand in baseball, off a raised mound, 60 feet, 6 inches from home plate
  • Base runners in softball must wait until the pitcher releases the ball to leave a base; in baseball, you can take off at any time

Both sports involve a lot of dirt, a good bit of spitting, but I believe baseball players scratch more than softball players. I have no scientific data to back this up.

4. What’s that Beatles song about drugs?

Song? How about six?

“A Day in the Life,” “Doctor Robert,” “Happiness is a Warm Gun,” “I’m Only Sleeping,” and “Tomorrow Never Knows” have all been suspected of drug-related origins. None of those songs appear on my fans’ Favorite Beatles Songs lists, honestly.

The most famous drug-suspicious Beatles song has to be “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” which is supposed to refer (see what I kind of did there?) to the hallucinogenic drug LSD. But, John Lennon said the song was about an inspirational lass named Lucy Vodden, who was gravely ill with lupus.

Most lyrics in question came from Lennon’s pen, it seems. But band mate Paul McCartney revealed in a book that his song “Got to Get You Into My Life,” thought to be a love song, wasn’t at all – unless you count Mary Jane as his love interest.

Here’s the trippy video to “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”:

5. Have you ever been really scared by a movie?

You had to bring it up, didn’t you?

My parents let me watch horrid things early in life, such as “Poltergeist” and “Faces of Death.” (The first can be blamed on me for sneaking in some HBO time, but the second? Those movies were rented. I’m scarred for life.)

But the movie that has given me the most nightmares is a bit embarrassing.

”Jurassic Park.”

And you know I love dinosaurs. Like, almost as much as baseball and cheese and Star Wars. But man, every time I see a Jurassic Park movie, I have bad dreams, about T-rexes with glowing red eyes.

And that’s even scarier than taking a blindside hit from Katie Zellner. Or even having to choose between quick sand and Kristen Wiig doing Penelope.

Crap. I’m so not going to sleep tonight.


  1. Teri says:

    Faces of Death didn’t scare you as much as Jurassic Park? Faces of Death made me afraid to even LOOK at movies for awhile.


    1. Faces of Death scarred me for life; Jurassic Park just gives me nightmares. Faces of Death made me afraid to even look at LIFE for a while.

  2. OK. Thank you for this post. I am sending this to my husband. We have a debate about Jurassic Park. He says the boys (who are 4 and 7) will be fine watching it. I say they’ll get scared. I’m thinking of the T-Rex chasing the Jeep and those velociraptors stalking the kids in that kitchen. Scary stuff!

    1. Ah, crap. I just violated a guy code and reinforced a point being made against another dude. That’s an infraction. Maybe little boys can handle the T-Rex action better than me.

      Can I derail the conversation by talking about Laura Dern, because I’m pretty sure she’s considered crushish in this movie.

      Wait, that might not be a good thing to say, either. Sometimes, we fellas just don’t know what to say.

  3. laurie27wsmith says:

    Great post and after watching the football I’m signing up as water boy.

    1. You are a true team player, my brother.

      1. laurie27wsmith says:

        Well, you have to be coach. I used to be the strapper for our prison officer’s touch football team, and I know whose legs I’d rather be bandaging up. 🙂

  4. claywatkins says:

    it was “The Shining” with Jack Nicholson for me….. and girls play football LFL lol! thanks for the humor on a day when I feel humorless…

    1. Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny! Good stuff. Humor (or is it bad taste? I can never tell) grows like weeks over here, Clay.

  5. I watched Fright Night in the basement, in the dark, late at night, with a friend. Didn’t bother me…then we watched Critters…and the squirrel in the chimney started freaking out, and so did we. If I used the bathroom in the night (for weeks after), I sprinted in and out of bed! The ads for The Car used to scare me too! I saw the movie 2 years ago and laughed and laughed…

    1. I haven’t seen any of those movies, but could any of those horrors come close to matching a rampaging T-rex trying to eat Laura Dern? I think not.

      I don’t think I’ll ever laugh at that.

  6. Oh these questions are so funny!! It gives you a great insight into what goes through kids minds!! Great answers too! I used to love scary movies but Nightmare on Elm St stopped me forever! That was a new type of fear for me… I still can’t watch a horror!

    1. They’re so real too – and you wouldn’t believe the questions that get asked when I don’t have a thing to jot them down on, and they’re lost forever.

      My talent for never giving a straight answer gets the limelight for once, too.

      You’re of my generation, so you know the type of horror we went through, with Chuckie and Freddie Kruger. I was too young for Jason.

      Today’s horror? I haven’t seen Saw I, II, III or XLV. If you have enough sequels to match Super Bowls, do you still have a story to tell?

  7. I love this series. Such great questions…and of course answers! I love Penelope…the April Flower, that’s good stuff right there!

    1. Thanks JJ – I don’t even want to do anything else but answer questions on Fridays now. Kristen is actually cute, in my book, but some of her SNL characters make me want to watch the public television fundraiser at 12 a.m.

  8. Heather says:

    That’s funny about Jurrasic park. For me, I hate those chainsaw massacre movies…to me those are just too too scary because things like that really exist in this sad world, at least with dinosaurs I know they are extict. So are you a Packers fan? Because we are total Packers fans over here!

  9. Rorybore says:

    I played football in high school! Our uniforms had more cotton that what is in a Tyelnol bottle though – unlike these women – but hey, it is Canada and much colder. But to their credit: girls got serious game.
    Regarding Jurassic Park. Hope this helps you sleep tonight: dinosaurs? they all die. 😉

    1. I’m going to guess that you were either the quarterback or a receiver, right? I think one of the objectives of the LFL is to conserve on clothing textiles, actually.

      They do a pretty good job of it! And you’re right, they do have serious game, don’t they? No matter what they’re wearing.

      Well, I know the dinosaurs all die, but before they do, they gotta eat – and what if they like Mexican food? I’m toast. Or, chalupa. Either way, I’m dinner.

  10. I remember that I watched The Exorcist at a sleepover in 4th or 5th grade and I am pretty sure I’m still traumatized from it.

    1. I wish I’d watched Exorcist instead of Faces of Death – which was actual footage of people and animals dying. I’ll take a demonic kid any day over that.

      Or, maybe I wouldn’t. I didn’t even really see all of the Exorcist, but I can’t see split-pea soup without thinking about it.

  11. Love the questions and the answers. This is a version of Art Linkletter’s “Kids Say the Darndest Things!” Great show and great posts. I look forward to them.

    1. I think I had 173 questions this weekend, but nothing to jot them on, so I’ll have to see if I can remember them all. I must have 50 in reserve already, so I’m glad you enjoy them. These kids are keeping me in business.

  12. HATE horror movies–and yet I am addicted to the TV show American Horror and of course The Walking Dead. But movies are different…..I was scarred by Poltergeist and swore off any scary movies FUH-eva! That is until my older kids tricked me into watching The Ring. To this day I can’t sleep with a TV in the room for fear a girl with slimy black hair will come crawling out of the set. Love this post—remind me not to use my middle- aged dinosaur references around you…or else you might not be able to sleep at night…..

    1. I think I’m one of only 32 Americans – and the only one who isn’t a Puritan or Quaker – who hasn’t seen Walking Dead. Poltergeist hit us where we live because it happened through the TV, and all of us sat too close to the TV, right?

      I too am a bit sick about it – dinosaurs give me nightmares, but I still love them. I’m not crazy, though, because Pink scares me, and I don’t love her.

  13. Rosey says:

    The Beatles did drugs? So much for All-American… oh wait…


    My mom wouldn’t even let me watch Star Wars when it came out (seriously! crazy but true).

    1. I know, I know … I tell the girls this is where One Direction will someday tread, too.

      Wow, Star Wars? I can’t talk. I was banned from watching Land of the Lost because I couldn’t handle sleestaks.

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