This is a post that might not see the light of day.
Imagine this: Me, in a cabin no more than three large pizzas long, two large pizzas wide, in a white-sand outpost down east in North Carolina. My hint of web access hinges on the tortoise-quick and ‘possum-smart network called tengointernet13.
Tengo”means I have in Spanish. Una mentira (a lie), if I’ve ever heard one.
This Internet connection is doing a great job of keeping me outternet. I’m in Jacksonville, N.C., home of the military base and large alligators with a taste for domesticated dogs, in town for a coaching certification course.
It’s rustic. I’m Ralph Waldo Emerson. Or Diane Fossey. Or at least Jed Clampett (before he struck Texas Tea). The hum of Marine helicopters rumbles in the distance beyond the aromas of the grills of seasoned grillers in campsites around me.
Picture me, with a light bulb that hangs lazily from a crooked wire. I scribble furiously on a field notebook the contents of this blog. My thoughts – my last thoughts? – scrawled on yellowing parchment.
Imagine me wearing a weather-beaten bucket hat.
My hair’s grown wayward and my beard like a salt-and-pepper thicket on my face. Mosquito netting surrounds my humble bunk. I must sharpen my only pencil with a pocket knife. If I don’t survive, this blog post, at least, will endure.
(Try to forget that I’ll probably hit publish while I nosh on sweet donuts and Diet Mountain Dew in the Great Wall Chinese food while riding their free WiFi.)
1. What do fireflies eat?
Anything with Frank’s Red hot. They put that sh*t on everything.
Fireflies are beetles. This is why we catch them in jars and not fly paper. We sometimes call them lightning bugs. They eat more when they’re glow-in-the-dark larvae known as glowworms – other bugs, slugs, and snails. Sometimes grown-up fireflies don’t eat at all.
Which makes them kind of like supermodels or rock stars, and not just because someone’s always looking at their tail.
2. Do they have batting helmets with the flap on the other side, too?
They go on the right for Republicans, the left for Democrats. Libertarians have them on both sides.
Right-handers have the flap on the left side of the helmet. Left-handed batters, on the right. Switch hitters use helmets with flaps on both sides. They weren’t made mandatory until the 1960s.
They made a special helmet to protect the Phillies’ Tony Gonzalez’s melon. His was prone to getting plunked by baseballs.
The Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez prefers a helmet without one ear flap so that he can hear the mating call of the single New York female in the stadium crowd. Call me, maybe?
3. Can you go anywhere in space on a spacewalk?
Yes. During the Obama administration, you don’t even have to show ID.
Astronauts on a spacewalk can move anywhere in space. The modern term is extra-vehicular activity, which I’m sure is illegal in 17 states. Astronauts have roamed untethered since 1984.
Usually astronauts leave the space craft for space station repairs not joy rides.
Untethered astronauts carry life support in a backpack. They should go no further than their mothers can see them. Just like you, Camdyn.
4. Is ich just bubbles?
It’s not just acne for aquarium fish.
The full word for the disease that produces white spots on fish is ichthyophthiriasis. Civilians also call it the white spot, not to be confused with Cape Cod. It’s an infectious parasite that makes aquarium fish look salted.
We’ve been able to chase the ich with stress coat squired on our sick fish. Wearing a batting helmet apparently doesn’t protect a fish for ich either.
5. Have they invented the touch computer yet?
Just think, Camdyn: Your grand kids might stumble upon a keyboard and say, What’s this old thing, grandma?
Microsoft’s Windows XP tablet was the first of its kind for touch technology. The technology emerged in 1971. Doctor Sam Hurst developed the touch sensor. That was the same year someone you know just might have been born.
Your question explains why there’s so many tiny fingerprints on my laptop screen, Camdyn. And I’m hungrier than a firefly after answering all these!