5 for Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Burial Depths, Elvis Sightings and Caveman Authenticity


photo credit: stickerHelsinki via photopin cc
photo credit: stickerHelsinki via photopin cc

You know coaches love stats.

I’m a coach. I love stats.

Some are less disturbing than others. Like, the Denver Broncos averaging 51.5 points per game in their past two victories. Or Grace averaging 1.0 goals per game in her past two matches.

Or me averaging 2.3 pizza crusts from my girls on a given Pizza Phriday night.

Today, though, the stats are grim.

Four of 5 of today’s Go Ask Daddy questions deal with the unliving or unborn. I’m not talking zombies, unless you count certain major-league baseball managers, whose stressful summers render them a degree zombified.

(Fox Sports close-ups of Joe Torre’s mug tell you all you need to know.)

Corpses, dead rock legends, in utero babies and prehistoric man comprise Go Ask Daddy today.

Let’s get to it.

1. How deep do they bury dead people?

photo credit: infomatique via photopin cc
photo credit: infomatique via photopin cc

Turns out the whole 6-feet-under thing is a concept and suggestion, not a tradition.

Depending on where one’s interred, a casket could go a meter below ground, or 18 feet. Underground water tables make for tricky casket spots, and if one plans to get stacked up for eternity with a spouse or favorite horse, they’d better settle in at a depth, maybe even as far as 18 feet.

None of your goldfish are buried anywhere near 6 feet deep, incidentally.

2. How do they pick baseball all-star game managers?

photo credit: Scott Ableman via photopin cc
photo credit: Scott Ableman via photopin cc

First, they have to be alive … and this has come into play.

This season’s World Series managers are next season’s all-star managers. The game determines home-field advantage for the next World Series, so it’s important.

Bob Lemon, despite being fired as Yankees manager after the ’81 World Series, managed the AL all-star team the next season.

After the 1964 season, both World Series managers switched teams and leagues in the offseason: Johnny Keane left the Cardinals for the Yankees, who lost manager Yogi Berra to the Mets.

Fred Hutchinson led the Reds to the league’s second-best record, and would have managed the NL in the all-star game – had he not died in the offseason. The Phillies’ Gene Mauch took Hutchinson’s place.

So, back to the unliving …

3. Is Elvis dead?

The evidence is overwhelming.

    • Sightings in Kalamazoo and Ottawa
    • A quick funeral (a day after his death)
    • Inconsistencies in his death certificate
    • Conspiracy theories that revolve around mafia involvement, a wax-figure corpse in his coffin and a job today as a DEA agent
    • A flower delivered after his death to a former lover from “El Lancelot,” a pet name only she would have known
    • We also have elvis-is-alive.com and the Elvis is Alive 5K

There’s also an autopsy report, though. It says Elvis Aron Presley, sufferer of hypertension and heart problems and just a bit older than your daddy, died of natural causes. And two Elvis is Alive museums have closed their doors.

No one believed the hype. It’s as if Elvis has left the buildings.

Today, we have Elvis Grbac, Elvis Dumervil, and Renelvis, a Mexican Elvis impersonator. And a legacy of bluesy, edgy, gyrating rock and roll that changed American pop forever. Thankyouverymuch.

4. When you’re pregnant, does the baby eat?

photo credit: Adam Sherer via photopin cc
photo credit: Adam Sherer via photopin cc

Yes.

Just not peanut butter and banana sandwiches, like the King did.

NPR’s Gretchen Cuda-Kroen reported that if you want your kids to eat veggies, start early – what mom eats, especially a nursing mom, like all of you had, not only nourishes baby, but it also sets the tone for what she’ll like as she gets older.

Which is interesting … mom had favorites for you each:

Elise: Broccoli baked potatoes from Wendy’s

Marie: Two bean burritos, no onions, from Taco Bell

Grace: Egg croissant and hash browns from Burger King

Junk-food junkies. Of course, I also got in on the act. Sympathy hunger pangs.

Only I could have mine right out of the sack. Yours got filtered through an umbilical cord, which is lke one snaking silly straw in an amniotic stew.

5. Are cavemen real?

photo credit: San Diego Shooter via photopin cc
photo credit: San Diego Shooter via photopin cc

Yes, although there are no Cavemen Are Alive museums. Well, unless you count the Oakland raiders’ hall of fame.

A caveman is actually an amalgamation, a mash-up of all prehistoric man, from Neanderthals to Fred Flintstone to the Detroit Red Wings’ second line. You’ll see dinosaurs and cavemen depicted as contemporaries, but this is false. It’d be like the Los Angeles Lakers in the second round of last season’s playoffs.

None of this is doing justice to the caveman, you know. And I haven’t even linked one to those stinkin’ L.A. dodgers.

What an insult that would be.

To cavemen.

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31 Replies to “5 for Friday: Go Ask Daddy About Burial Depths, Elvis Sightings and Caveman Authenticity”

  1. Aaaaaah, I love it! The burying thing was quite creepy though, as are conspiracy theories about dead people still being alive… Love reading what your girls ate in the tummy, all very different tastes! Nice to know that you got involved with sympathy hunger pangs too 🙂 And (now I get it), I love the little dig you had there at the Raiders! Haha 🙂

    1. Thanks Gina! Between Elvis and his peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and the things the girls ate in mom’s belly, I just got hungry.

      The least I could do is eat that stuff too, you know?

      I once was young, I’ll some day be old
      But a raider hater I’ll be til I’m cold!

  2. Such diverse subjects Eli, Elvis, food cravings and captain caveman (who ate a large safe). You may have been hungry when you penned this one. The cravings sound good until they get down to the amniotic mix, then the thought of a burrito seemed a tad off. it’s only natural that you suffered from sympathy cravings. Was it beer, burritos, tacos and peanut butter?
    Laurie.

    1. But they’re all sort of tied together, you know? I’m always hungry, mate – I’m the guy who thinks about lunch as soon as breakfast is done.

      Man, I’d get a little of everything during those craving days. The woman at the late-night window at Wendy’s got so used to seeing me, she’d be sweet and stuff my bag with all sorts of goodies.

      We foodies, we feel each other.

      1. They are all tied together. I used to be a regular chow hound myself, always nibbling. Even now though if I’m hungry I could my own arm. Mate, you must have been a regular at Wendy’s. ‘The coach is here, he must be buying for the team again.’
        I feel your pain.

  3. I like that your wife’s favorite foods while pregnant all came from fast food places – she and I would get along well!!
    And, I’m a little disappointed that there wasn’t any mention of Jennifer today!!!

  4. Don’t forget that on Elvis’ headstone, his middle name “Aron” is misspelled as “Aaron”. Further proof tat the King lives!

    FYI…Elvis was a twin. His brother, Jesse Garon Presley, died at birth (or shortly thereafter.)

    1. Yes, I did find that nugget of information about his grave marker. Where he’s buried is also interesting.

      I didn’t know that he had a twin … but Elise and I were trying to picture what kind of an impact on music it would have if E just showed up with his guitar on The Voice or something.

  5. You know, I live near Ottawa….pretty sure I saw Elvis skating on the canal once while eating a banana and peanut butter beavertail.
    you know you’re gonna Google that 😉
    The Caveman show looks like a weird mashup of Scooby Doo. Like the Caveman is a composite of both Scooby and Shaggy. They just put a different club in his hand (see that I did there?)
    buried in humour this comment is. 😉

    1. I thought I saw him once at a Hardee’s in Morganton, N.C. But my eyes were bleary from the road.

      Um, did you say beavertail?

      I think Captain Caveman was a stoner like Shaggy, too, but those three girls thought enough of him to be his sidekicks. He’s kind of the man.

      I *did* see what you did there, Les. Well-played. Well-played.

  6. Great, so in addition to everything else I get blamed for, now I can be blamed for my kids’ crappy eating habits? You’re killing me, Eli. But I’ll forgive you, because I haven’t seen Captain Caveman in a gazillion years, and he made me smile 🙂

    1. Ha – I think it’s still safe to blame the daddy for a kid’s crappy eating habits. It feels right, anyway. I mean, Captain Caveman ate a safe. Pretty sure that’s high in iron, but far worse than fast-food croissants.

  7. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, it was fresh fruit. When she was pregnant with me, it was pepperoni. Somehow I feel like I got the raw end of the deal. Although I don’t know that she actually carried out that craving at all. Nitrates, and all.
    At least your daughters didn’t ask about how deep they bury their dead in New Orleans! That’s a whole other post.

    1. Maybe nitrates leads to brilliant blogging in a mother’s offspring. Or spectacular photography skills.

      More likely, an uncanny great taste in blogs you choose to read.

      There are a lot of things about New Orleans that are a whole ‘nother story, you know!

  8. Of course I honed in on the food aspect of this post. I love that my 4 y/o still gives me her pizza crust. That’s the best part, but I’m not going to let her in on that secret just yet. When I was pregnant the first time, I wanted hamburgers. All. The. Time.

    1. I expected just that – that the post probably looked like “blah blah blah *burritos* … blah blah blah *peanut butter and banana sandwiches.*

      Wait, that’s how it looked when I wrote it.

      And now I want hamburgers and I’m not even prego.

      All.The.Time.

    1. Well, it’s only come into play for my Colorado Rockies once – we’re kind of allergic to success. I like to think the King has found a good trout spring somewhere and a diner that has a mug with a gold E on it for him.

      They just don’t make weed-induced, wholesome family cartoons like that anymore, do they?

  9. Your posts always crack me up. Elvis sightings? He doesn’t seem like the type that could be in hiding this long.
    None of that fast food crap in this house. I’ve read too much about what goes into it. Also, I never feel good after. My one craving is Arby’s potato cakes. I’ll admit to going through the drive thru for those. Funny, my kids don’t even like it anymore. I think they saw something on how the chicken is processed and assume all else is the same.

  10. While pregnant with my son I ate plenty of Arby’s potatoes with broccoli. Could not get enough broccoli… And 5 guys burgers. I think that’s why he now has a peanut allergy. Too much 5 guys in the womb!!

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