Elf of a Shelf, Chicano Style: Why Ours Could Beat Up Yours


elf playaTalk about a White Christmas.

Grace this year has asked for an Elf on the Shelf. This is new to us. This is … white, to us. I’m not sure where this is headed, truthfully. It feels like a gateway, this elf. What’s next? J Crew? Duck Dynasty? Split the difference with some Taylor Swift?

I wrote about the Elf on a Shelf you people cavort with, and never considered he’d find his way into our multi-cultural yet tortilla-centric home.

I found a darker-skinned elf on eBay for $35. I thought there was a conspiracy at play until I noticed y’all are paying around $30 for the pale version. A $5 variance between races is within the accepted range. Barely.

You know what I could do with $5? That’s, like, five dollar-menu items.

No thanks. Especially when I read blogs about the terror that little KGB-sponsored snitch inflicts on kids petrified about touching the little cretin or spilling the secret and thus ruining Christmas for everyone. Talk about stress.

fielfBut let’s say I went along with this month-long scare tactic, for blogging purposes only. Rather than just print out the lyrics to 50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train and following them to a tee, here’s what a guy like me might do:

(Y’all name your magical munchkins, right? Meet Rajonito, the wee Latino tattletale).

1. Tebowing. Or planking.

Tim Tebow Tebowing

A good start. Plus, I think white folks invented planking. And Tim Tebow, my hero, is actually white. But imagine Rajonito in the pious Tebow position, right alongside the wise men in the manger scene. Or, face down and prone, right on top of the manger.

Rajonito’s note:

Don’t forget the reason for the season. It starts with baby, and ends with Jesus. Merry Christmas! P.S. Be good. I’m watching. P.S.S. Don’t touch me. I mean it.

2. Blending in.

blender

The kids would have a sense of humor about this. I think. I imagine adding a holiday ingredient to the milk shakes they so love: A dash of elf. (They’re washable, right?) Rajonito would have his face plastered to the inside of the blender, arms wide, that knowing grin on his face.

Rajonito’s note:

Don’t get ‘mixed up’ with the wrong crowd, ninas. Or your favorite elf will ‘split,’ licketysplit. P.S. I’m watching you. P.S.S. Don’t tell your friends about me. Or else.

3. Thug life

I knew those colors were going to get this vato in trouble!

You can’t go around all neighborhoods in all red and expect never to cross paths with the rival gang. Today, Rajonito would reassert his territory by spray-painting the wall and fridge – and blaming the kids.

Rajonito’s note:

Once you’re in, you’re always in. And Santa’s your boss. Comprende? P.S. We know who your friends are. P.S.S. You’re not going to wear that blue sweatshirt to school, are you?

4. Privacy, please?

privacy pleaseI don’t even know if the kids have one, but I’m pretty sure they do: A Barbie or Little People toilet. Rajonito will welcome them on his throne, with a newspaper on his lap. Hey, elves are people too. Kind of. I might add a Raisinette or two in the commode. You know, for authenticity.

Rajonito’s note:

Dude! Don’t you knock first? P.S. We know when you flush and when you wash your hands. Remember that. P.S.S. Spare some toilet paper, amigas?

5. Pay up – or the elf gets it

Rather than find their favorite gang-banger elf engaged in some mischievous undertaking involving candy canes and gumdrops, they find a bent cookie cutter and mess of powdered sugar – the scene of a struggle. Oh, and a ransom note:

Do WhAt We SaY, oR tHe ElF gEtS iT
oUr DeMaNdS: $7 iN cAsH, a BlOcK oF cHeEsE, aNd A sTaCk Of ToRtILLas.
P.S. oH, aNd A bOtTLe Of WiNe FoR yOuR mOm.
P.S.S. aNd WaSh YoUr DaD’s CaR.

You know, I might have to reconsider the whole elf idea.

This multi-cultural elf might be next year’s Tickle Me Elmo.

photo credit: The Wu’s Photo Land via photopin cc

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

photo credit: Rinoninha via photopin cc

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

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61 Replies to “Elf of a Shelf, Chicano Style: Why Ours Could Beat Up Yours”

  1. I.Love.This. For the sake of my sanity, please bring Rajonito to life so I can find out what his little mafia elf self is up to on a daily basis! As a Cuban living in Elf land over here, I would certainly appreciate! Por favor!!!

    1. Thanks! Rajonito is alive and well in many American cities – well, in certain neighborhoods. We definitely need him to bring some spice to the elf phenomenon, don’t we?

      Arriba el elfo!

      1. You know, maybe I was wrong about the dude. Maybe he’s just that kind of guy. I hear Derek Jeter from the yankees had it like this – multiple honeys on the tip, with minimal effort.

        When you’re the face of a franchise – or a magical elf – maybe you live in an alternate universe.

    1. There’s definitely potential when the kids are little enough to not be able to easily reach this little cretin. I’m afraid of what the older kids might do to him.

      Toilet humor is also very popular among girls, you know.

  2. I think this all needs to happen. Heck, I’ll even lend you Scarlet’s Little People toilet for Rajonito’s endeavors.
    We’re not an elf family, because…honestly? I really don’t have time for it right now. Maybe when they’re older. And I know I can’t make good, clean fun. I physically can’t. I would do horrible things to my elf. I would make my elf do horrible things.

    1. There’s an untapped market, for sure. Rajonito, I’m pretty sure, has already lifted your kid’s toy toilet.

      I wonder if some elf families use the hired help for execution. This era is wrought with this kind of thing – ever heard of folks doing the whole enchilada for the leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day too, with mischief and glitter and everything?

      There’s too much potential for an elf to do evil. There’s too much potential for me (and you) to make an elf do evil. Do not take me to a pizza buffet unless you’re prepared for the damage to be done.

      Do not leave me in charge of an elf unless you’re ready for the aftermath, both morally and culturally.

    1. He’d be the most memorable, for sure – and most likely to make a guest appearance on the show “Cops.” I thought I was out of the elfen woods myself.

      This new elf would revolutionize Christmas forever.

      Heck, it would revolutionize parenthood.

  3. Eli, I fall in like with your blog more and more each time I read a post! And I mean that in the most manly fist-bumping way 🙂 I don’t have 2-legged kids so I’ve been getting a crash course education on this elf craze. I would buck up and get in the game but I don’t want another snitch in my house. My Golden Retriever, Phoenix, rats me off daily as it is. I was howling laughing at #4 Privacy please!! 🙂

    1. I take that as a compliment in every manly way possible, Mike. Fist bump and forearm bash, just like McGwire and Canseco.

      I hope, for your sake, there is no canine equivalent for the elf. I swear, this cat is KGB. Or NSA. Just what we need, right?

      My girls appreciate good potty humor – who doesn’t?

  4. I didn’t know that creepy creation was “white”…and I’m white…lol That creepy creature is never coming to my house. If I get one as a gift, I will bury in the backyard next to my Grandhamster! 🙂

  5. OMG, my friend!!! I’m SO sorry, I’ve been MIA but this darlin’ is friggin hysterical… I literally laughed so hard that… oh nevermind I can’t say it here, only with @thedosegirls… LOL. KUDOS!!! 😉

    1. I thought maybe you’d run off with the gypsies or just gotten Bobcats season tickets – either way, you’d be out of sight. I wish there was a button you could click if a post made you pee your pants.

      Not that that’s what happened …

      1. BaHaHaHa, ya know, some southern ladies don’t tell, however, I’m a HUGE follower of sh&t southern women say & they are hilarious, ya know, I should auditioned to be one of ’em… I mean, I’m always misplacing my clogging shoes & don’t get me started on giving directions & everything has a little dohicky… just sayin’… 🙂

  6. I get all the fun and spy games Elf mischief: just not as it applies to me.
    I teach my kids Not to tattle on others, because seriously, whiny tattlers make me want to remove my spleen with a spoon. Heck I’m gonna let a little stuffed toy that actually creates more work for me each day – undo all that. Although I do chuckle at all the creative antics people come up with, my door sign firmly states “Elf Free Zone.”

    Besides, I’m Irish …and the Leprechaun would totally get him drunk and kick his ass. 🙂

    P.S. My girls Barbie has 2 toilets: one in the Dream House and one in the Camper. That doll really does have it all!

    1. As I said, I’m hoping to avoid it if possible, but if Santa does bring the elf, he’s going to be cultured. Ours will not be a rosy-cheeked narc, I can tell you that.

      He’s no Buzz Lightyear.

      I have enough problems with a heavyset Slavic man helping himself down my chimney and cavorting around my living room with a pipe in his mouth – I don’t need his elfen snitch.

      P.S. Rumor is, Ken sits down to pee.

    1. Brown Power, that’s all. Because we’re no longer the fastest-growing minority in the U.S., we had to find somewhere to make our mark.

      If just one person can find my post as they hunt for Red Snitchtober, then it’ll be worth it. Viva Rajonito!

  7. I think your elf and mine would run a mean mafia. Ours, “Tommy”, is a manipulator, and is always trying to one-up me and throw me for loops. I wrote about it in my post, “Screw you, Tommy. Screw. You.”
    However, if either of them brought wine for mama, we could talk about forgiveness.
    (love “tortilla-centric” lol hilarious)

    1. It must be tough on the inside. Who knows what they do when we’re asleep. I need to check out your post. The one pictured on my post thinks he’s Dale Earnhardt Jr. with the ladies.

      It’s not the wine I’m worried about – I’m always afraid the elf with bring some of that arctic hasheesh in his magic sack.

      Tortilla-centric: It’s a way of life.

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