We’re all about culture up in here, at Coach Daddy.
Toby writes a blog called Dumbass News. No, it’s not the detroit red wings fan newsletter. It has a very distinctive symbol, and news that you’d find disturbing and amusing. Or, just disturbing, if it happens to be about you.
He’s here at Coach Daddy today to talk about a refined cultural event that takes place in his home state.
Check out his pages, too, where the language has a few more crayons in its array then we do around here (unless you count all of Kathy’s submissions from Kissing The Frog. She has Toby-esque license, apparently.)
Enjoy. Toby’s a lively writer, a good dude, an awesome dad, and a friend.
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A few weeks ago Eli sent me an email asking me to put together a Guest Post for Coach Daddy.
Thoughts immediately began bouncing around the inside of my skull like a 12 year old in a rubber room hyped up on Red Bull.
- On my blog, I write about stoopid stuff and stoopid people.
- I use “colorful metaphors”.
- A lot.
- Can I tone it down for a “Family Oriented” blog?
- How much does it pay?
- I am kidding about being paid.
- Kind of.
After questioning Eli’s judgement (and sanity) for asking me to be a Guest Blogger on Coach Daddy, I graciously accepted his kind, but unwise, offer. And by “graciously responding” I of course mean I replied with a string of “colorful metaphors” unfit for Polite Company.
I am a Big Fan of Coach Daddy and hopefully can ably fill the shoes of the Other Great Guests who have shared their wisdom and thoughts.
The Redneck Olympic “Blank” Games of Maine
Not long ago an event of enormous proportions took place about 45 miles from where I am now sitting.
And I missed it.
I shall hang my head in shame for a full 12 seconds for having missed the Most Important Sporting Event of the Year in Maine – The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games.
The only other gathering of athletes in this state that matters are The North American Wife Carrying Championships – football, baseball, hockey and basketball be danged!
Olympics No More
The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games are now called The Redneck “Blank” Games. The organizer of the competition, Harold Brooks, was forced to remove the word “Olympic” from the title of the Gathering of Rednecks by the Commie Weenies at the International Olympic Committee. Big Corporate Poopy Heads (and believe me the IOC is a big corporation) versus One Guy in Small Town Maine in a trademark dispute (or whatever you want to call it).
Guess who won that little confrontation?
Hint: it wasn’t One Guy in Small Town Maine.
Hence, the name change.
The Redneck “Blank” Games take place in Hebron, Maine, a town of about 1400 fine folks. I’ll bet you a dollar to a toilet seat that the IOC has 1400 people on some sort of holier-than-thou Make Sure Some Tiny Village in Maine Doesn’t Use the Word “Olympics” in An Annual Sporting Event Meant to Bring the Peasants Together in Fellowship (And Beer Drinking).
Glue Sniffers at IOC Can’t Spoil the Fun
The itinerary at The Redneck “Blank” Games this year included:
- Music (Country, no doubt).
- A Wedding officiated by a Dumbass named “Reverend Yummy”. I don’t why he’s called “Reverend Yummy” and I ain’t askin’. By the way, the Good Rev forgot the Bible for the wedding ceremony.
- 4 Wheel Drive Vehicle Mudding – This is a VERY popular competition among the Maine Redneck Demographic.
***Image from kjonline.com***
- A Greased Watermelon Race – This was originally slated to be a Greased Moose Head Race, but the Game Wardens at the State Department of Making Rules for Outdoor Activities Like Hunting and Fishing and Stuff voiced strong opposition to using moose heads for something other than hat racks. I’m told that the Moose Population of Maine also loudly protested such a thing.
- Toilet Seat Horseshoes – It is what it seems. No toilets were harmed while conducting this event. And the horses were happy, too.
- Obstacle Course – This no ordinary obstacle course. The contestants negotiated the course while carrying a full cup of beer! This was also a great lesson in alcohol abuse. There is no worse abuse of alcohol than spilling it while running an obstacle course.
- Bobbing for Pickled Pigs Feet – Having been the Texas State Champion of Bobbing for French Fries, I think I would have done well in this contest.
That’s how we do it Maine, y’all.
Praise be to St. Jim Bob, Patron Saint of Rednecks.
And bless Rednecks everywhere.