Guest Post: Toby of Dumbass News is My Maine Man


Redneck

We’re all about culture up in here, at Coach Daddy.

Toby writes a blog called Dumbass News. No, it’s not the detroit red wings fan newsletter. It has a very distinctive symbol, and news that you’d find disturbing and amusing. Or, just disturbing, if it happens to be about you.

He’s here at Coach Daddy today to talk about a refined cultural event that takes place in his home state. 

Check out his pages, too, where the language has a few more crayons in its array then we do around here (unless you count all of Kathy’s submissions from Kissing The Frog. She has Toby-esque license, apparently.)

Enjoy. Toby’s a lively writer, a good dude, an awesome dad, and a friend.

# # #

A few weeks ago Eli sent me an email asking me to put together a Guest Post for Coach Daddy. 

070506 RedBull08

Thoughts immediately began bouncing around the inside of my skull like a 12 year old in a rubber room hyped up on Red Bull.

  1. On my blog, I write about stoopid stuff and stoopid people.
  2. I use “colorful metaphors”.
  3. A lot.
  4. Can I tone it down for a “Family Oriented” blog?
  5. Yes.
  6. How much does it pay?
  7. I am kidding about being paid.
  8. Kind of.

After questioning Eli’s judgement (and sanity) for asking me to be a Guest Blogger on Coach Daddy, I graciously accepted his kind, but unwise, offer. And by “graciously responding” I of course mean I replied with a string of “colorful metaphors” unfit for Polite Company.

I am a Big Fan of Coach Daddy and hopefully can ably fill the shoes of the Other Great Guests who have shared their wisdom and thoughts.

Thanks, Eli!

The Redneck Olympic “Blank” Games of Maine

Not long ago an event of enormous proportions took place about 45 miles from where I am now sitting.

And I missed it.

redneckI shall hang my head in shame for a full 12 seconds for having missed the Most Important Sporting Event of the Year in Maine – The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games.

The only other gathering of athletes in this state that matters are The North American Wife Carrying Championships – football, baseball, hockey and basketball be danged!

Olympics No More

The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games are now called The Redneck “Blank” Games. The organizer of the competition, Harold Brooks, was forced to remove the word “Olympic” from the title of the Gathering of Rednecks by the Commie Weenies at the International Olympic Committee. Big Corporate Poopy Heads (and believe me the IOC is a big corporation) versus One Guy in Small Town Maine in a trademark dispute (or whatever you want to call it).

Guess who won that little confrontation?

Hint: it wasn’t One Guy in Small Town Maine.

Hence, the name change.

The Redneck “Blank” Games take place in Hebron, Maine, a town of about 1400 fine folks. I’ll bet you a dollar to toilet seat that the IOC has 1400 people on some sort of holier-than-thou Make Sure Some Tiny Village in Maine Doesn’t Use the Word “Olympics” in An Annual Sporting Event Meant to Bring the Peasants Together in Fellowship (And Beer Drinking). 

Glue Sniffers at IOC Can’t Spoil the Fun

The itinerary at The Redneck “Blank” Games this year included:

  • Music (Country, no doubt).
  • A Wedding officiated by a Dumbass named “Reverend Yummy”. I don’t why he’s called “Reverend Yummy” and I ain’t askin’. By the way, the Good Rev forgot the Bible for the wedding ceremony.
  • 4 Wheel Drive Vehicle Mudding – This is a VERY popular competition among the Maine Redneck Demographic.

redneck8***Image from kjonline.com***

  • A Greased Watermelon Race – This was originally slated to be a Greased Moose Head Race, but the Game Wardens at the State Department of Making Rules for Outdoor Activities Like Hunting and Fishing and Stuff voiced strong opposition to using moose heads for something other than hat racks. I’m told that the Moose Population of Maine also loudly protested such a thing.
  • Toilet Seat Horseshoes – It is what it seems. No toilets were harmed while conducting this event. And the horses were happy, too.
  • Obstacle Course – This no ordinary obstacle course. The contestants negotiated the course while carrying a full cup of beer! This was also a great lesson in alcohol abuse. There is no worse abuse of alcohol than spilling it while running an obstacle course.
  • Bobbing for Pickled Pigs Feet – Having been the Texas State Champion of Bobbing for French Fries, I think I would have done well in this contest.

That’s how we do it Maine, y’all.

Praise be to St. Jim Bob, Patron Saint of Rednecks.

And bless Rednecks everywhere.

Dumbasses.

photo credit: o_dmentd_o via photopin cc

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47 Replies to “Guest Post: Toby of Dumbass News is My Maine Man”

  1. What a fantastic post, Toby, and something that I’m totally unfamiliar with! No, not rednecks but bobbing for pickled pigs feet! I would like to see an event where married couples could work out their differences in a mud pit (the wife in a bikini, of course) and wrestle though the husband has to have one arm tied behind his back. Just like real marriage! JUST KIDDING on the latter ladies…a simple guffaw with tongue in cheek. Good read, sir, and thank you for introducing your awesome friend to us, Eli! 🙂

  2. There’s nothing like a cultural ‘heads up’ on events happening overseas. I thought we were bad over here for our events and strange behaviour. Nope, we’re not in the league.
    Cheers
    Laurie.

      1. The list is endless, there are beer, wine, fruit, vege, boat, music festivals. Then there are the ‘redneck’ type events, Ute Musters, pickups for your part of the world where people take their decorated vehicles and party like there’s no tomorrow. Some towns have lizard races, cane toad races. Huge country and western musters over long weekends. B and S balls, that’s bachelor and spinster weekends, usually in big country towns where people, usually young uns go and party until they drop. An excuse for the massive consumption of rum, beer, wine etc and an awful lot of horizontal folk dancing oh and impromptu fist fights. In the Northern Territory there is a boat race in the Todd river, the river only runs in the wet season so the race is run when it’s dry. Teams of about a dozen each construct bottomless craft and run like bloody hell while holding the boat up. So you get the drift, crazy stuff.

      2. Holy smoke, Laurie. There really never is an excuse for an Aussie to say there’s nothing to do.

        In what percentage of those shenanigans have you partaken?

      3. Plus, why not stay in the comfort of home and read about it with a pint and a bit of toast with vegamite? (I’ll do the same, with a Coke Zero and a quesadilla, friend).

  3. Yay Toby! How awesome to see my two fav blogger dudes together! OK, so I only follow two dude bloggers, but still.

    In the spirit of equality and Title Nine, I’d like to see the Husband Carrying Competition. It’s only fair.

    Glad to see redneck tradition & pride extend far north of the Mason Dixon Line! I thought they were all concentrated in the Kingsport, TN Walmart.

    1. We’re honored to be in such select company. It’s good to have Toby around. I often feel like the one white dude at the end of an NBA bench when it comes to parent blogs.

      I think there’s actually a Husband Dragging Competition.

      The Kingsport, Tenn., Walmart might be the epicenter, but the debris is landing everywhere from Maine to California.

  4. I love Rev Yummy (I ‘aint askin’) and that he forgot the Bible!! I also love a small town in Maine being sought out by the IOC! Seriously? Is there nothing better to do with Sochi on the horizon? Awesome, hilarious post! Y’all come back now, ya hear!?

  5. Wow. I will be putting this on my calendar for next year. How did I not know about this amazing event? Of course, I’ve lived in Maine for 13 years and I have no idea where Hebron is. Maybe that’s my problem.

  6. Hey guys – Toby is having trouble commenting. He probably feels a little like his icon looks right now, but he says it’s not his fault.

    I told him this is the best part – getting to toss it around a bit with you guys.

    He says he’s appreciative of your kind words and referred to you all as Dumbasses – which, in Maine, really is a term of endearment.

  7. I don’t know how Eli does it..but somehow his guest posters often talk about moose. So..nice to meet you because I’m a fellow person who has discussed moose on this (suspiciously snowy) page!
    Umm..count me in. I’m in western MA and it’s way too PC for my taste. So is blogging, for that matter.
    And yet I make both work..kinda.

    1. Moose are a prerequisite, Tamara – that’s the main reason you made it here. I wish it would have snowed here for your moose, though.

      I just hope it is snow, and not lice. To moose have lice?

  8. I feel like I’ve been enlightened. How have I missed this event? I’m glad to see there were no moose harmed for this very special event. I can’t even imagine how funny this must be to watch.

  9. very funny i only wish i could participate. our family does and olypmics event with these type of events every couple of years. great post and by the way, i am a loyal red wing fan )

    1. What game would you enter, Beth? We should have sign-ups.

      The red wings thing? Hit me right in the heart. Worst news I’d heard since Santa failed to deliver a white linen suit to me last Christmas.

      1. i believe that i could shine in the obstacle course event. as for the wings, i am a die-hard, so excited for the alum game in comerica park on ny eve and then the winter classic outdoors against toronto on ny day! does not get any better than this for me )

  10. So I am going to guess that it was not Canada’s Olympic Mascot, Komak the Moose who was an honourary guest at the festivities? Too bad, pretty sure I can do that Obstacle Course and not spill a drop. That’s just a Friday evening around these here parts.
    Will have to go check out Toby’s blog and see the pretty colours. 😉

      1. Ok- don’t judge now, but, my father was a Methodist minister, SO, I lived in Randolph county 7th-12th grades… LOL. I lived in Level Cross, 2 houses from Petty Enterprises during middle & high school, I went to Randleman High School… 😉 Happy Friday.

      2. No judgement, at all. The Pettys are racing’s first family. When I covered racing for the Hickory Daily Record, they were always good and gracious to me.

        Happy Friday to you. Let’s go forth and snack. It seems like a reasonable goal.

  11. North American wife Carrying? Bahaha…hilarious. Beer abuse, not so much.

    and…hey! Actually, if the Avs would have met against the Blackhawks, I would have rooted for the Avs…gasp. Would have been the first time in 18 years. The earth might have started spinning backward and we might have had snow in July, so in a way I’m glad I didn’t have to.

    Yeah, way late…

      1. It would have made my skin crawl, but living in chicagoland and taking a ton of not so good-natured ribbing last year, and after the wings were bounced this year, I wanted anyone but the hawks just this once. It’ll be BAU in short order, I’m sure. Ah, the memories…wait!! ;0)

      2. Yes, yes, I agree…what scares me is the Hawks ability to come back from elimination where they must win 3 out of 3. They have excelled at that. A Red Wings fan and an Avs fan walk into a bar (or WordPress post)…their mutual dislike for a certain team *coughBlackHawkscough* turns them into allies at least for a moment…punchline tbd.

      3. Dogs and cats, playing together … maybe you and I should lend a hand to the whole Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Or at least help settle the Home Depot-Lowe’s debate.

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