So, I used to have this wacky-ass idea.
After a non-descript high school football career that lasted zero games and about six practices, I wanted to make a comeback. Years later. Like, when I was in my mid 30s. But now that I think of it, can you make a comeback when you’ve never really had a career?
My wacky-ass idea was to finish my degree, at nearby Guilford College, as a punter. Guilford wears these cool crimson uniforms, and plays in a little campus stadium on their cozy brick-laid campus, with a backdrop of the changing Carolina leaves across the field.
No, linebackers wouldn’t care much about the bricks and fall foliage.
But, I was going to walk on as a punter, and maybe even write about it for the News & Record, where I worked. In the seasons I covered Guilford football, I never saw a Quakers punter get nailed by a rushing linebacker. Of course, they never had me punting for them.
But, it never happened. Guilford never had to issue me a practice jersey, or water bottle, or break the news gently that they were keeping the nearsighted freshman on the roster, and had only one spot for a punter. I’d definitely try to keep the shirt. And the water bottle though.
So now that we’ve sufficiently covered my broken dreams … let’s get on with some Go Ask Daddy. Quick, before someone asks me for my playbook.
1. Is there an age limit for college football?
Let’s hope it’s 41, because I just turned 42, and I shouldn’t foster any more wacky-ass ideas. Even if my school, UNC Charlotte, does play football now.
The NCAA doesn’t implement an age limit on athletes. Any college student can play for four years, even if you can’t count to four. Chris Weinke played baseball in the Toronto Blue Jays minor-league system for six years before going to Florida State to play football at the ripe old age of 26.
He had the receding hairline and everything. And went on to win the Heisman Trophy as college football’s best player.
Way to go, gramps. Maybe my dream isn’t dead after all.
2. Has there been an All-star no-hitter?
No. Although, if there was one, I’d probably be the final out.
The last year I played baseball, I was the last out for three games. As a pinch hitter. Once, at South Mecklenburg High, with my school down just seven runs in the bottom of the ninth, skip nodded at me and I grabbed a bat to get things started.
My teammates started to pack up before I even got to the plate.
In major-league history, there’s never been a no-hitter – when a pitcher doesn’t allow a hit in a nine-inning game. There’ve been only seven all-star shutouts. I mean, you’re facing the best hitters baseball, right? The American League took a one-hitter into the ninth in 1990 at Wrigley Field.
And in 1991, the Committee on Statistical Accuracy (sounds like something in the government, doesn’t it?) declared 38 no-hitters not-not-hitters, because of rain or darkness, or if the home team doesn’t bat in the bottom of the ninth.
Sounds kind of fascist to me. Like when they made Pluto an un-planet.
3. Would you pay $15 for a ticket?
Yes, I would.
I might even pay for one for you at that price.
That’s kind of steep, though, $30. My personal rule is, you can spend your age in dollars for a ticket. Which means most 5-year-olds can afford Charlotte Bobcats tickets on stubhub.com.
And I could probably afford a spot right next to Michael Jordan, courtside.
For $15, we ought to be able to get a couple of box seats at a minor-league baseball game.
And some ice cream in a baseball cap.
(We’ll smuggle in some candy in daddy’s cargo shorts).
4. Can referees be fired?
If no hitters can be taken away and Pluto stripped of its dignity, then anything is possible.
Getting fired would be the least of some referees’ problems. I usually don’t have much of a beef with the zebras, unless they lose control of a game and the kids’ safety is at risk. I’m more vocal about the NFL officials who like to keep the patriots, ravens or steelers in the playoff race with shady penalties.
But I digress.
The NFL also once nearly allowed a paint-your-face-and-holler New Orleans Saints fan serve as a replacement official while the league’s regular referees were on strike. Someone checked out his Facebook page to see him all fanned up. Like me, he kind of had no place on a football field.
5. Is every question on Google?
I don’t know. Let me Google it.
Google says it answers more than a billion questions every day. In fact, I just asked Google “Who is Coach Daddy?” My blog came up first, with keywords Coach Daddy, Coke Zero, Hope Solo is Hot, and Tim Tebow.
Hmm. But when I asked Google “Is every question on Google?”, know what I got?
Something about WordPress. Which means Google’s algorithms, which fields questions in 181 nations in 146 languages (including rural Mainer), hasn’t seen anything like that question before.
Kind of like your dad, punting into his 40s.
Or Pluto, back in the planet fraternity.
Those are both kind of out of this world.