When I was a kid, a hundred dollars was a fortune.
Seriously. Do you know how many Star Wars figures that would buy? Like, all of them. And probably an X-wing fighter, a Land Speeder and even a Stormtrooper helmet. But, I digress.
Once my girls saw my lower-middle-class paycheck, and thought I was Daddy Warbucks. If they only knew! But Grace wants to know this week how much our house is worth.
I’m going to guess … more than $100. I hope.
1. How much is our house worth?
Probably it wasn’t a good idea for me to enter our address online in the first entry under a Google search for “how much is my house worth”, was it?
I did it anyway.
Zillow.com gives you an estimated value based on property taxes, what other homes are going for, and something to do with the Gross Domestic Product of Ethiopia.
And for our three-bedroom, 2.5 bath, 1,295-square foot home, the estimated value is $90,400.
If I entered the four smelly cats who live there, I estimate it would dock us a good $18,639.
2. What if you never return a RedBox movie?
You have to share a room with four smelly cats.
Turns out RedBox is slightly more expensive than the library. If you keep a RedBox movie for 21 days, at the daily rental charge of $1.20, it’s yours, for $25.20.
That’s a lot of clams for a busted-up rented DVD of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, with an ugly industrial-strength plastic case.
Although leaving it in the house would up our home’s value to $90,425.20.
3. Do they let you have three-letter bad words on your license plate?
Every time I see a North Carolina plate with the prefix “PYS,” the 12-year-old in me snickers.
I’m conflicted. Should I mention that most bad words are of the four-letter variety? I can’t think of one that has three letters in real life (PYS excluded). California bans some three-letter combinations, such as FCK, SOB and KKK, but allowed a Silicon Valley dentist to drive off with “Hitler” plates.
For that, you should be forced to buy A Night at the Roxbury from Netflix.
At full price.
4. If NFL teams have two guys with the same last name, don’t they use their first initial, too?
Sometimes … even if their name forms a three-letter bad word, presumably.
Back in the day, linebackers Jim and Jack Youngblood (who weren’t even related) played 12 years together for the Los Angeles Rams. Their jerseys featured their first and last names. Today, players are more likely to forgo the first initial.
Just imagine if Seattle Seahawks defensive back Marcus Trufant’s fans all bought blue No. 23 jerseys that read “Trufant” on the back. Then, Seattle signs a kicker named Cornelius Trufant. If they changed Marcus’ jersey to “M. Trufant,” all those fans would have to buy new jerseys with “M. Trufant” on them.
The real fans would, anyway.
The NFL, hosts of $8 draft beer, doesn’t want you to have to fork over an extra $239 for a tackle-twill letter M to represent.
Incidentally, the Dallas Cowboys once had two Roy Williamses on the roster. Rather than include middle names, nicknames or astrological sign, both players simply went with “Williams” on his jersey.
One more thing: How about the longest last name ever on an NFL jersey?
Former Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers running back Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala (16 characters) edges out former Cincinnati Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh for most real estate taken on the back of a jersey.
5. Are all mascots animals?
No, although they often act like it.
The Philly Phanatic, the Philadelphia Phillies’ mascot and a green blob of trouble, is an unidentified bipedal with an extendable tongue.
He’s hugely popular, but comes with a rap sheet: He once took out a 75-year-old woman’s knees and hugged a dude so tight he caused internal injuries and wound up facing legal action.
There are many non-animal sports teams mascots, such as the Chiefs, Warriors and Braves, who some find offensive; the Brewers, Packers and Islanders, which should incite some degree of civic pride; natural disasters such as Avalanche, Storm and Hurricanes; and even a mascot to celebrate breeding season among dogs and cats – Heat.
This doesn’t even touch on such cool mascots as the Fightin’ Christians, Ragin’ Cajuns and the Macon (Ga.) Whoopee, a minor-league hockey team that didn’t exactly score at the gate.
They moved to Lexington (Ky.) to become the Men of War. (No Whoopee to be found.)
The best animal mascot acting like an animal in recent memory was Rocky the Mountain Lion, from the Denver Nuggets, who dissed the Los Angeles Lakers during introductions by sitting in a lawn chair and reading the Denver Post in front of their bench.
If they didn’t like it? They can PYS off.