Go Ask Daddy About Despicable Zebras, Cheek Smacks and High-Dollar Tickets


photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

I’ve avoided all Super Bowl coverage this week.

It involves highlights of past games. Moments immortalized for all time. There are incredible clips, of Joe Namath’s brash prediction, the crowning jewel of the Miami Dolphins’ perfect season.

The Giants’ Eli Manning destruction of the New England Patriots’ bid for another undefeated year.

It includes footage of Denver Broncos woes, shots of Craig Morton getting sacked, guys named Timmy Smith and Joe Morris ripping the Orange Crush defense, and, 55-10, the final score of a nightmarish Super Bowl  with the San Francisco 49ers.

There are good moments, too, but I don’t like the chance I’ll see images of Dan Reeves whole-heartedly overwhelmed on the sideline.

Super Bowl woes also extend to the Arizona Cardinals, Hayden’s team. We went nuts when Larry Fitzgerald broke away for a long touchdown to put the Cardinals ahead of the hated Pittsburgh Steelers.

We were indignant when the Steelers won on a touchdown that wasn’t.

Honestly, when your team plays for a Super Bowl, to lose is devastation. To win is relief from devastation. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? I tossed together a group of NFL-themed Go Ask Daddy questions today.

Let’s hope it helps us get a little relief to enjoy our burgers and salmon and apple pie on the big day, and avoid the need to dress in black to mourn on Monday.

(Yes, we Broncos fans do that.)

1.     Why do referees wear stripes?

photo credit: digitalART2 via photopin cc
photo credit: digitalART2 via photopin cc

So it’s easy to pick out whom to yell at.

In the 1920s, refs wore white. Lloyd Olds, a referee from Michigan, decided to wear stripes to the next game after a quarterback in a game he officiated accidentally handed him the football, because he was wearing the same colored shirt as his team.

I went to a haircut place that had sports highlights playing non-stop. Stylists wore striped shirts. As a coach, there’s that natural aversion, kind of like mail carriers and dogs, beta fish and other beta fish, and Oakland raiders fans and intelligent conversation.

I couldn’t trust her with scissors. She kept squinting.

2.     Do they have to get the ball in the end zone for a touchdown?

photo credit: geckoam via photopin cc
photo credit: geckoam via photopin cc

Usually.

By rule, teams must only break the plane of the goal line with the ball. Even by just a centimeter. I think this is wrong. To score six points, I feel like you should have to carry the ball into the end zone and emphatically slam it to the turf, like they do in rugby.

You shouldn’t have to go to replay to determine whether a 250-pound fullback “broke the plane.”

Even a stylist in a striped shirt can break the plane.

3.     Why do football players slap each other to celebrate?

photo credit: Tymtoi via photopin cc
photo credit: Tymtoi via photopin cc

If I had my eyeglasses, I’d put them on, and push them to the end of my nose for this one.

My mom once told me football players smack each other on the arse because that’s one place that isn’t covered in pads, and they’d feel it. There’s an entire psychology on this, with theories that the slap might mean anything.

Anything, from good job to I got your back (literally) to, just, hi.

The arse slap can prove costly. NFL receiver Chad Johnson had to serve 30 days jail time after he smacked his attorney on the backside after a plea bargain was accepted. His judge revoked the bargain, and asked, “is there something funny about this?”

I didn’t get enough playing time to warrant many arse smacks.

I got one during a pickup football game in elementary school. How did I feel? I couldn’t have articulated it at the time, but it was somewhere in the neighborhood of the cocktail waitress who didn’t get a big enough tip.

photo credit: Diamondduste via photopin cc
photo credit: Diamondduste via photopin cc

4. Have Eli and Peyton Manning ever played each other in a playoff game?

No.

Peyton Manning has played his entire career in the AFC with Indianapolis and Denver, and Eli has played only for the New York Giants, in the NFC. Teams from each conference can’t meet in the playoffs until the Super Bowl.

Can you imagine how cool that Super Bowl matchup would be?

Their father, Archie, yelled at me once.

As I wandered around the pressbox at Clemson’s Death Valley (following the smell of barbecue, most likely), I walked in between Archie and TVs showing highlights of Peyton, then at the University of Tennessee.

Easy, pops.

Cooper has been a fantastic big brother. His career cut short by an injury when he played at Mississippi, Cooper doesn’t miss his brothers’ big games. In fact, Peyton wears 18 in honor of Cooper, who wore that number at Isidore Newman School in New Orleans.

5. Would you pay $50 for a Super bowl ticket?

photo credit: planetc1 via photopin cc
photo credit: planetc1 via photopin cc

For Denver? Yes.

Also, for Arizona or San Francisco. Or Carolina.

I would not pay $50 for a Super Bowl ticket to see the raiders, ravens or steelers play. I couldn’t stand the prospect of shelling out $50 to see those teams celebrate. To a lower-middle-class working Latino like myself, $50 is a lot of clams.

That’s like, 50 dollar-store items. Well, plus tax.

That’s 50 two-liters of on-sale Coke Zero. Twelve pizzas from the café at work. I could probably find a fake Peyton Manning jersey on eBay, and a whole new (and fresh) wardrobe off the Target clearance racks, for $50.

But to see the Broncos win the Lombardi trophy?

Definitely worth 50 bucks.

Or, roughly our weekly grocery expenses. And two-week supply of cat litter. I could even get a couple haircuts from a place where the stylists don’t wear referee shirts. Or four haircuts there, if a swat on the arse and a “great cut, Megan!” is enough of a tip.

You’re right. I’ll stick with the cat litter.

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42 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Despicable Zebras, Cheek Smacks and High-Dollar Tickets

  1. What is with the Steelers hate? Didn’t we already suffer enough this year?

    Love the line about the squinting hair stylist LOL.

    1. It stems from the Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl. Elise and I were just talking this morning about Super Bowl loss hangover, and how bad pittsburgh has it now.

      I almost feel sorry for them. I hate Baltimore more, if that’s any consolation.

      Yeah, I don’t trust anyone’s eyesight if they’re wearing striped shirts.

      1. Baltimore=Alternate Cleveland. I can get behind that one. Then add to the fact I live Redskins country. Ugh.

        Some body around here has a license plate that says “Sixbrgh”. I think he has jinked us to never win again.

      2. A ravens helmet proves you can’t polish a terd, right?

        Redskins country living ought to make you feel OK about your steelers. Talk about dysfunction. My girls love RGIII, though.

        I’m the wrong guy to look for for sympathy on your steelers’ fortunes. I’ll maintain they should have lost to Arizona and Seattle.

  2. I seriously don’t know much about football, as much as my husband has tried to teach me. He says I was all for it until I got the ring on my hand, lol! But seriously, he doesn’t watch sappy movies and I don’t watch football, so we are even in my book. That said loved your take here and anytime ass slapping involved it can’t be all that bad I suppose, lol!! 🙂

    1. I think you just have to feel it, no matter how much you can be taught. did you do the bait-and-switch by showing interest during the courtship?

      Strategic!

      I’m with him on the sappy movies. that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Now, if they did a little arse-slappin’ in sappy movies, maybe more of us football fans would tune in.

      Especially if Juno Temple is involved.

  3. When it comes to Super Bowl day us Bills Fans <— using that term lightly; know disappointment ALL too well "WIDE RIGHT" and then three more year of defeat! I always DVR the game and just watch commercials. If the Bill ever did get there again they'd have to PAY ME $50 to go! I could take the heartache again!

    1. The Seventh Circle of Hell is called Buffalo. How painful. I knew a Bills fan who would obsess over why Andre Reed cut left and not right in one of these games. Had he, the course of human history would have changed forever.

  4. You can get Super Bowl tickets for $50?! I figured they were way more!!
    Did you know (probably not!) that last year my twin brother was one of the replacement refs? He got to do some big games – I think they went through at least the first 6 weeks (maybe longer) of the season.

    1. No, that was just Grace’s estimate of something really, really expensive! I just saw a Blomberg video that cited the average Super Bowl ticket price on StubHub at $2879, which goes above and beyond my rule that you can pay up to your age for a ticket.

      That’s awesome that your twin was a replacement ref! He didn’t do the Green Bay-Seattle game, did he?

      1. Yikes!! I didn’t know they were that much!!!
        I don’t remember what games he did (I might not have paid quite enough attention) – I know he did one in NY.

  5. Remember that thing about people liking the wrong team? Given a recent game, I might have to stop following your blog . . .

    Oh what the heck. I guess I’ll keep following it. Just don’t talk to me about the BRONCOS’ moments of shame, k?

      1. Let me remind you; I’M A NEW ENGLANDER. 😉

        I have, however, been to a Broncos’ game in person, and a Patriots’ game never. So . . . I dunno what that says. (I also don’t remember how I ended up at the Broncos game. I don’t think alcohol was involved, but . . . like I said, I don’t remember.

      2. Oh, yeah ….. well, New Englanders can be forgiven this season. A Patriots-Seahawks matchup would have been interesting – two teams who always seem to get the calls in their favor!

        Wait, this doesn’t sound very friendly, does it?

        I think the fact you’ve been to a Broncos game and never a Patriots game means inevitably that at your essence, you’re a Broncos fan. Don’t fight it. Just go with it.

        And if you can’t remember … there’s a chance alcohol might have been involved. Either way, it’s your destiny.

  6. I remember getting a nice arse slap when I got my first hit in softball, after being the strikeout queen for months.
    Funny that it was so memorable that I’m talking about it now. I liked it at the time. I hit the ball! I got an arse slap. Seemed fair.

    1. Getting that first hit is certainly cause for the arse slap, but should also writing your 200th post? I seem to remember a post on Nicole’s blog in which there was copious arse-slapping among the crowd.

      Was that your only hit? It seems you would have been incentivized to hit more.

  7. Now I feel much more prepared for Sunday. I think I can remember the referee thing (although judging from this comment –not) so I’ll sound super intelligent. Maybe I’ll just keep your post open and throw out some random facts like your moms theory on butt slaps. No one will know where I’m getting the info. 🙂

    1. It’s all about preparation, isn’t it Carla? Just take notes. Practice in front of the mirror if that helps. You’ll be sure to be invited to every Super Bowl party forever more. Or not. But you’ll have put on a show.

  8. I wonder how much those tickets actually go for. I’d be pretty excited to see the Broncos play too. We’re Peyton fans (and Eli too of course). I would love to see them play against each other…how hard would that be for their parents? I personally wouldn’t like it myself. And I’ll stay away from the arse slap. That one is bizarre to me. You never see guys in real life slapping each other on the arse at a bar.

    1. StubHub said more than $2800. That could be half of Elise’s first car! I wish I could have covered the Broncos Super Bowl in Miami against Atlanta. I worked for the newspaper in Tallahassee then.

      I guess it was brutal for the Harbaugh family to watch last year’s Super Bowl. I’d hate to see my girls go against each other in a championship. What agony.

      I don’t imagine there’s a lot of arse-slapping in board rooms, either. Of course, you never know.

  9. i love that manning’s dad, got mad at you, that is a claim to fame of sorts. good stuff here, eli, as always, and just so you know, i am rooting for the broncos. rest easy –

    1. Justin Tuck pushed me in the back once, too. And a raiders tight end no namer tried to intimidate me in the locker room once. He came at me when I was trying to maneuver through a bunch of bags and shoulder pads, like he wasn’t going to let me out, so I put a forearm in his chest (yes, I had to reach up a little). I’m like, hell, boys, “I’m a Broncos fan. I’m automatically tired of your sh*t.”

      If only I’d said that.

      Glad to hear you’re on God’s side for the Super Bowl.

  10. My husband, who has not watched one football game – Canadian or American – all season, just dashed out of the house upon receiving an invite to watch the game. the host has an 81 inch tv. I assume that’s worth the price of abandoning your family at dinner time.
    The hockey fan in me is outraged.
    Also, he took the only bag of potato chips.
    Do I spank him on the arse when he returns?

  11. When I try to give my hubby an arse smack, I end up hitting his wallet or his pocket knife. Either one hurts! No fair to me. I never carry anything in my back pockets, so he doesn’t have that problem. Now that I have shared entirely too much information, all that’s left to say is: I’m sorry about the Broncos. 😦

    1. He needs to change his pocket strategy – we fellows don’t often become targets of the arse smack, and we should be prepared. You, you’re prepared. And I hope he appreciates that.

      Yes, I’m sorry about the Broncos too … luckily, the dudes I work with aren’t big sports fans, so no red-ass for me today as I reintegrate into the world.

  12. I take great offense to the Ravens hating – that’s my team dude! Whatever. We’ll just have to disagree on that point. I did enjoy the game last night though 😉

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