Few things hurt like a Super Bowl.
I’m an optimist. But a realist. I’m writing this draft at halftime, with Denver down 22-0. This is a familiar feeling. Denver lost four Super Bowls before they won two. Do you know what it’s like to lose a Super Bowl?
Imagine leaving a tooth for the tooth fairy – and getting a scorpion.
Imagine going to bed on Christmas Eve with visions of sugarplums – and waking up to a bobcat with rabies in your stocking.
Imagine getting a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day – and discovering 2/3 of the way through the box that they’re actually laxatives.
With habanero peppers. And little spiky things.
There’s the elevated pulse, the shortness of breath, followed by a tightening in between your shoulder blades matched only by the tightening in your chest. It’s watching the first half standing up, then sitting down as the points pile up.
But your pulse still races.
I hate this feeling.
So, I’ll follow through with hate. It’s the theme of the day. I know you’ll forgive me. This angst has to go somewhere, and it beats random acts of violence.
Inspired by a friend’s question recently, I compiled a list of five things that are just plain dumb. I added one, for good measure. For the first time since Coach Daddy’s inception, I’m posting while angry. You’re probably not supposed to.
Six things that are just plain dumb:
Who thought this would be a good idea?
If you’re lucky enough that your kitchen doesn’t explode when you bake it, you’ll live long enough to get strung out and see your teeth fall out. No thanks.
Can you imagine if we replaced all meth with barbecue? What a world we’d live in.
2. NFL statistics
This one is a bit intricate.
Let’s say Reggie Bush gets the ball on 1st and 10 at the Detroit 20, and is tackled a couple of yards later. The referee places the ball between the 22 and 23.
Technically, this is a 3-yard gain for the Lions, even though he didn’t reach the 23. HOWEVER, it’s different at the goal line. If the ball is at the 1, and Bush is stopped, and the ball is placed inside the 1, it’s considered no gain, because a 1-yard gain would mean he scored, which he didn’t.
I know, so minute in the grand scheme of the universe, but still unbelievably dumb.
3. People who run a stop sign to get in front of you
They do this even though there’s no one behind you, and they’d have plenty of space to get in if they just complied with the law and came to a stop.
What’s worse? When they slow down in front of you so they can put on their seat belt. Safety first! Well, right after rudeness, law-breaking and overall stupidity.
4. Traffic cops
They cause more trouble than they alleviate. And what’s with not letting me make a left turn out of my kid’s school if NO ONE else is coming?
Left to nature and our own devices, I think we motorists could manage to get in and out of a school without a dictator, thank you.
This is America.
5. Songs with a lot of noises in them
Otis Redding whistling in “Dock of the Bay“? Contemplative and meaningful.
Katy Perry Oh Oh Ohing in “Roar“? Makes me want to pierce my own ear drums.
6. Many dad bloggers
No he didn’t.
Yes he did.
I’ve tried to read some of them. Honestly. I won’t call anyone out by name, but I wonder if they wear dresses as they write. Where are the men who blog? (You fellas on my list know you’re good).
I was lucky enough to appear on a list of dads who blog on another site recently.
One dude had been left out. So he commented … and i quote …
“What about little ol’ me?”
Just … no.
One guy had more pictures of himself on his home page than a Millenial girl has selfies on Instagram. Others would be golden if the were trying for a Google rank on the keywords my wife says …
When a man writes, he need not check his testicles at the door. To navigate an environment rightly dominated by some of the most talented and creative moms who blog should not require we men to write in drag and forget one thing.
We are men.
I am thoughtful, soulful, and love each and every person who leaves me a comment. I also listen to 3oh!3, foster hate for my teams’ rivals, and yeah, when Lizzy O’Leary hosts Marketplace on NPR, I listen. HARD.
You can be a man and be all these things. Just as a woman can be sensitive and nurturing and still kick your ass in tennis and out-write you. I read blogs of several of you, and I’m proud to work with many women just like that. Strong.
I’m pissed about the Super Bowl. It hurts to lose that way. I chucked my Rockies cap early in the second half and said a bad word, and nothing was hurt, not even the odd Russian Santas I sent sprawling (who knows where they came from?)
And I just ripped potentially some of your favorite dad bloggers.
You know what though? I’m still a Broncos fan. I’m still a dude who writes. And in the end … I’m still a guy.
Friends, please – join me in this rant? Even if you’re not a Broncos fan. Even if you’re not a guy. Even if you’re a traffic cop! Please vent with me. Some of you have already, and as you know, misery loves company.