Go Ask Daddy About Bendy Glass, Ghost Bullies and Freaky Fish


photo credit: Daragh via photopin cc
photo credit: Daragh via photopin cc

Psh. Teenagers.

Does anyone else remember bootie socks?

I advised a girl in practice Thursday night to wear bootie socks under her soccer socks to keep from getting blisters from her new cleats. Laughter erupted. You’d have thought I’d said something indecent. I explained myself and my generation.

You know, way back in the 1990s.

Once upon a time, bootie meant something else. I felt like Beaver Cleaver for a minute. I had to tell them about when a Coke was just a Coke.

My boy Tim McGraw says it best.

Yeah. I miss back when, too.

Let’s see what the kids are asking these days.

1. Is there such a thing as flexible glass?

photo credit: rhonogle via photopin cc
photo credit: rhonogle via photopin cc

Yes – Corning showed off a version of its Gorilla Glass at the last Consumer Electronics Show, business-card-thin and able to bend better than Beckham.

It’ll be all the rage for HDTVs and smartphones and anything else that’ll look really cool with a bendy screen. It’s nothing to lose your head over. Or is it?

Legend has it Roman emperor Tiberius Caesar had a craftsman beheaded in the early A.D.s because he invented a flexible glass bowl that didn’t shatter when dropped. It dented, and the craftsman fixed it with a small hammer. Tiberius worried this flexible glass would send gold and silver prices plunging.

I know. What a glasshole.

2. Are there islands no one’s been to?

photo credit: wolfpix via photopin cc
photo credit: wolfpix via photopin cc

I believe we’ve found them all. But there are some you wouldn’t want to spend much time with, even if you were Captain Jack Sparrow.

Geologists saw Sandy Island in the Pacific Ocean on Google maps, but when they go there, they found nothing.  Okunoshima Island off the Japanese coast, home of no humans, scores of friendly rabbits, and the Okunoshima Poisonous Gas Museum.

But those aren’t the freakiest isles.

That goes to North Brother Island in New York City.

Riverside Hospital opened on the island in 1885 became a quarantine center decades later. It housed the infamous Typhoid Mary, the first healthy carrier of Typhoid fever in the U.S.

She remained there for nearly 30 years against her will, and died there in isolation. If this place isn’t haunted …

3. Has a ghost ever hurt someone?

ghostNot even on North Brother Island. I think.

According to the Long Island Paranormal Investigators, no evidence exists a ghost can cause you physical harm. Message boards all over the web document scratchings and burnings, people falling down stairs and getting clocked by objects a ghost supposedly chucked at them.

Someone named Katbug posted on a board that they had ribs shattered after a ghostly encounter.

Interestingly, I could find no Pew Institute studies about ghost bullies, nor any Wall Street Journal accounts.

Which makes it impossible to prove or disprove, kind of like Barry Bonds’ innocence or whether Richard Sherman really is the best cornerback to roam God’s earth.

Did you hear about the woman who wanted to marry a ghost?

I don’t know what possessed her.

photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com via photopin cc
photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com via photopin cc

4. Who are those brothers on the radio who tell you what’s wrong with your car when you make the same noises the car does?

photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc
photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc

Those are the Tappet Brothers, Tom and Ray, whose Saturday radio show Car Talk is a huge hit among that influential NPR yuppy/hipster/academic with auto problems demographic.

Click and Clack, as they’re known, have a propensity to diagnose car trouble in any make and model, usually just by the sounds callers make to replicate the noises their 1997 Chevy Malibu makes when the driver turned right on a steep incline in weather colder than 37 degrees Fahrenheit.

Unless a young lady with a lively voice calls in, for which Tom and Ray will spend 17 minutes waxing poetic over her name, delving nostalgic into her hometown, and browbeating her love interest before they even hear what kind of noises her car makes.

5. What are those fish called in the deep sea, with the thing on their head?

photo credit: steve loya via photopin cc
photo credit: steve loya via photopin cc

Glasshole trout.

No, actually, that’s an angler fish. They live in the depths of the Atlantic and Antarctic oceans, as far as a mile deep.

They can be as big as 3 feet long. There’s a thin, finlike protrusion on their foreheads that lights up to attract fish.

When fish are drawn to the light, whammo! Dinner’s served.

Only the female angler fish has this special angler apparatus. The males just try to latch onto the mighty girl fisherman angler fish – then presumably whine about it on their daddy blogs.

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53 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Bendy Glass, Ghost Bullies and Freaky Fish”

  1. Great blog here today Eli, you must have got over the football. What a glasshole! I love it. I can assure you ghostly sightings have caused more than their fair share of palpitations and undie staining.

      1. I’m sorry Mate, it wasn’t malicious I just worried that you may have had a coronary occlusion or something. I’ve put my undies in peril a few times in this life and only one was from a sport. Hunting wild pigs with a bow and arrow. Other than using a sharp stick it classes as sporting.

      2. I know you’d never be malicious mate … and I haven’t been able to look at Yahoo! sports all week, for fear of seeing something to set me off.

        I think the peril of your undies over the year would make a brilliant post, by the way. Especially the wild pigs. That’s definitely sporting in my book.

        (Now I’d like some barbecue).

      3. I’d stay away from yahoo sports for at least 6 months Mate. I can see the post now. Which brand can stand the tear and stain test, Sportco jockeys, or Fruit of the Loom bloomers? We ask skydivers, mountain climbers and bullfighters for their views. We’ll show you a selection of undies, see if you can match the stain to the sport.
        As to wild pigs, there’s nothing like a little roast pork, although I do prefer venison. yum.

      4. I had a bison burger in Edmonton when I was there, yum indeed. Any gamey meat does better after being lightly broiled for half an hour in water with a cup of white vinegar in it. Works wonders on rabbits.

      5. Tyrannosaurus Laurie, see him today at your local meat mart. Don’t linger you’ll be on the menu. Hmm, I could go in a few directions here that would make people blush. I’ll stick to the culinary side of things.

  2. I’m sending the boys to you when they ask questions from now on haha. The eldest I watch comes up with some crazy ones every now and then, and I have no idea what to say, which usually results in, “Why don’t you ask Mommy and Daddy that one when they get home?”

    1. I should open it up on a post to take questions from the field. This one kicked my butt, and scared the hell out of me as I researched! I have a Google Keep file jam-packed with all their questions.

    1. You talkin’ to me?

      I had to learn you can’t just say ‘balls’ at practice … you must say ‘soccer balls,’ or the giggling gets out of control. They’re as bad as boys.

      I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells … I lost a few today listening to a rock station’s morning show for 1 minute, 23 seconds.

      Your teen isn’t anything like you were, right Ash?

    1. They’re pretty good at this … you should tune them in, they’re on Saturday mornings. They do a lot of flirting and cutting each other down, but there’s some knowledge there, too.

      I hope I hear you call in some Saturday, Kim.

  3. So many things I’ve learned from you today! Haha, ‘bootie socks.’ That even made me laugh, and I probably wore them in the past!

    “She remained there for nearly 30 years against her will, and died there in isolation.”—Can you imagine? How sad.

    1. I’m all about spreading the knowledge, Carrie. I’m a modern-day Cliff Claven, in fact. I wear bootie socks, but for dudes, they’re called … well, socks. We don’t differentiate.

      Actually we do. Dirty vs. Clean. Good vs. Holey.

      I didn’t know much about Typhoid Mary, but yes, it was sad. 51 people were infected from her, and three died. Still, what a sad existence. That place has GOT to be haunted. Check out the photos.

    1. My dial is always on NPR, unless the kids highjack it. It doesn’t pay to be a dude caller to them, no. Paula Poundstone, are you kidding? She’s royalty.

      I bet you could rock out a round of Wait, Wait.

  4. Glasshole is my new favorite word! Today Scarlet told me about an older girl at school who told her yesterday that mermaids aren’t real. What gives, glasshole? My kid is four! Screw you and your jaded ways.
    Ok, that actually felt good.
    Ah, whiny daddy blogs. Typhoid Mary. Car Talk. Ghost jokes. I like it.

    1. We need for #Glasshole to trend on Twitter – probably it already is, for Google Glass.

      I once made the mistake of telling the girls mermaids don’t exist. I asked if they’ve ever seen them. They said no. Then they asked me if I believe in the Rockies.

      Yes, of course.

      Have you ever seen them win it all, dad?

      Well, no …

      Kids 1, Daddy 0.

      Where else are you going to learn about Typhoid Mary, Click and Clack and ghosts? Not on a whiny dad blog, I can tell you that.

  5. I never called them bootie socks. I had the ones with the pom poms on the back and I think I just called them pom pom socks. Have you heard the Bootie Song? It’s completely inappropriate for a kid to sing, yet mine does, and it’s so catchy…

    1. But you’ve heard of that, right? Bootie socks? I haven’t heard the Bootie Song, but my girls love that Ke$ha song “Timber.” Like that stupid whistle song, I think artists like to give sing-songy qualities to their work with the sauciest content.

  6. i suggest you take a flexible glass and get to one of those islands as soon as you can. don’t swim there though, because you might run into those hideous fish. and bring and extra pair of bootie socks. great post eli, and happy to have learned something i can use in life from you, once again )

  7. A rainbow of ugly! Ha – can’t wait to use that one.
    Hey – can Tim always make an appearance on the blog? 😉
    Funny trivia: Caption Jack Sparrow actually does own an island. I wouldn’t mind be deserted with one Mr Johnny Depp.
    we’ll hunt for sea glass and see if it bends.

    1. I can’t wait to hear when you use the term ‘rainbow of ugly.’ I hope it’s on your blog, and not a description of your favorite dude blogger, but hey, if you’re describing me at all, I could do much worse.

      I should have known that about the Captain. I always threaten to walk through the mall like Jack Sparrow if the kids don’t behave. I think they’ll call me on it one day.

      Would you want to be stranded with the Captain Jack version, or say, Edward Scissorhands?

      1. Captain Jack all the way.
        I’ve always had a thing for the bad boy…… the Emo with bad hair? not so much
        besides, Rum!
        pretty much solved that question right there 🙂
        And no I only use words like Awesome, Amazing, Heart Words and 2 all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese when talking about my fave dude blogger 😉

  8. LOL! Great post as always, Eli! I so remember the bootie socks with the little pom pom balls on them…they were quite the thing for the lady bowling crowd! The round of giggles that emit from children over certain words! Kids and the things that pop into their little minds is just mind blowing. I should record some of the conversations that I have with my three…there are days when all I can do as I wipe the tears of hilarity out of my eyes is gasp for air through the laughter. I would truthfully even say that my daughter is the worst of them all, the little princess who can literally fart on command! I also would not want to run into that fish in the deep sea…that thing is truly creepy! LOL! Have a great weekend!

    1. Hey Stacey. Glad you like it. I remember the pom poms too … from my sister and mom. I never wore them. I’m pretty sure.

      Marie heard me call my brother in law a bad word in Spanish. A playful thing, but, you know, a pretty bad word. We were playing mini golf, and he had a big putt coming up, and she bellows out, “let’s go, !@#%!”

      Hilarious, for sure. If any Hispanic families were around, I hope they’d find the hilarity in it, too.

      If you have written about your flatulent princess, I need the link. If you have not … what are you waiting for?

      I have something in common with the angler fish.

      We both like flounder.

  9. Back when a screw was a screw – the wind was all that blew,…
    That’s a great song, and I have to admit I looked up the original meaning of “hoe”, English not being my first language and all.

    I think bootie socks these days are simply called ankle socks?

    No. 2 made me think of an island, Monuriki, at least one person has been to, Actually it was a person and a ball – a volleyball – called Wilson 😉

    Now I’m doing some Coke, I hope this doesn’t make me a glasshole.

    Thanks for making me smile!

    1. I should have included a glossary, Tamara.

      The girls said they were called ‘no-shows,’ but that just seems like no socks at all.

      If there were bunnies on Monruriki, Tom Hanks could have had a roast.

  10. I am sooooo far behind on my reading! I love this post. I love anything with interesting information and if I can learn a new word….cha-ching! Glasshole! Perfection! I found the Typhoid Mary story a little sad and yes, I’m fairly sure the island is haunted.
    This is terrific, Eli but then again, it usually is.
    Good luck with your bootie (socks) and your balls!

    1. I know the feeling Sandy – my “READ!” folder is jam-packed. Glad you loved this. I think Glasshole is actually a term coined for inconsiderate users of Google Glass, but I will steal it without apology for this post.

      If any island is haunted – that has to be the one. Would you camp there to find out?

      Thanks so much, Sandy. You know, Marie loves to bring up the booty socks – at practice. So glad I could offer such accidental amusement.

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