It’s tough to find something easy to watch on TV with the kids.
Just last night, the fight ensued over the Wii remote. We barked angry words back and forth about content and themes and age-appropriateness. Merlin pilots, which open with an impending beheading? Not ideal for 9-year-olds.
Last Man Standing? Great theme (dad of three girls!) but chock full of shock-value one-liners about sex, sex, sex.
Garfield’s Funfest makes the big girls’ eyes roll. An episode – no, during a 17-second period – of Jessie during dinner will make me hurl, guaranteed.
We settled in on BBQ Pitmasters. It seemed to meet everyone’s love for food. It definitely met the kids’ appreciation for bleeped-out bad words you can still read lips to figure out.
Grace’s first question for this week, though, came from a commercial. You know, a 30-second lure to get people to watch a show. I don’t even know what show it was for. Maybe a “family” show for all I know. But it featured a stripper.
You know … a lady in a bathing suit.
Stay young, Grace. For as long as you possibly can.
1. Why would a lady wear a bathing suit to a bar?
So, thanks to a Cher Lloyd song, I’ve already had to define “rack” to my 9-year-old. Now this.
That lady in a bathing suit was a stripper – in her work uniform. A stripper works in a topless bar, or so I’ve heard. The top part of that two-part work uniform usually comes off when it’s time to dance. I wish I could tell you it means she drives to work in a convertible.
(The uniform is four pieces, if you include her high heels, six if you consider pasties.)
We should have just watched Strip Club Queens.
2. How do officials know where the line of scrimmage is?
Line of scrimmage is no problem. It’s helmet-to-helmet hits and possession on fumbles they have a problem with.
The line judge’s job is to determine where the line of scrimmage is after every play. He begins each play on the sideline, and runs to the middle of the field as the play ends, holding up a hand to show the down.
He will retrieve the ball from the pile of humanity and place it on the field.
Another ball is then placed in the same spot, but on a hashmark, those dotted lines that go the length of the football field. And when it means the Denver Broncos are still short of a first down, daddy’s words need bleeped.
3. How do they dry a fish?
They didn’t cover this in BBQ Pitmasters?
This should be up my alley. According to zomppa.com, dried fish is the poor man’s food. It looks gross, though. And they dry croaker and shredded squid. Salmon, anyone? Before the advent of freezers, fishermen had to dry their catch if they wanted to eat it beyond this week.
Back in the day, they’d salt fish in a barrel to create an environment that prevents bacteria. According to the University of Alaska Fairbanks’ website, you’ll want to avoid bacteria in your dried fish. Also, beware ravens, seagulls, and, oh, blowflies that like to lay eggs that turn into maggots.
Dried croaker, anyone?
4. Aren’t there fish that glow?
What the … There are.
You can buy glowing tropical fish from glofish.com. They’re freaks of nature. They’re bred with a florescent gene. The American Museum of Natural History says more than 180 species of fish glows under blue light.
They call it florescent signaling, and even butterflies and spiders have it.
Dried florescent croaker, anyone?
5. Do NFL teams have unlimited times to go for two?
They can go for two as often as they want – provided they score touchdowns.
A team can opt to pass or run the ball into the end zone in place of the high-percentage point-after-touchdown kick. In Canada, it’s 5 yards out. In the U.S., 3 for college and high school, 2 for the pros.
Dick Vermeil, as an assistant coach at UCLA in the 1970s, developed a chart to determine whether a team should go for one or two. Coaches still use it today.
The Denver Broncos once went for two after every score in a rout of the Atlanta Falcons. Fans booed. What they didn’t know was Denver’s kicker, Jason Elam, got hurt. They had no choice but go for two.
The Broncos, racking up the points? Now that would be great TV.