Go Ask Daddy About Topless Attire, Crunchy Seafood and 2-Point Conversions

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

It’s tough to find something easy to watch on TV with the kids.

GAD GRAPHICJust last night, the fight ensued over the Wii remote. We barked angry words back and forth about content and themes and age-appropriateness. Merlin pilots, which open with an impending beheading? Not ideal for 9-year-olds.

Last Man Standing? Great theme (dad of three girls!) but chock full of shock-value one-liners about sex, sex, sex.

Garfield’s Funfest makes the big girls’ eyes roll. An episode – no, during a 17-second period – of Jessie during dinner will make me hurl, guaranteed.

We settled in on BBQ Pitmasters. It seemed to meet everyone’s love for food. It definitely met the kids’ appreciation for bleeped-out bad words you can still read lips to figure out.

Grace’s first question for this week, though, came from a commercial. You know, a 30-second lure to get people to watch a show. I don’t even know what show it was for. Maybe a “family” show for all I know. But it featured a stripper.

You know … a lady in a bathing suit.

Stay young, Grace. For as long as you possibly can.

1. Why would a lady wear a bathing suit to a bar?

photo credit: duncan via photopin cc
photo credit: duncan via photopin cc

So, thanks to a Cher Lloyd song, I’ve already had to define “rack” to my 9-year-old. Now this.

That lady in a bathing suit was a stripper – in her work uniform. A stripper works in a topless bar, or so I’ve heard. The top part of that two-part work uniform usually comes off when it’s time to dance. I wish I could tell you it means she drives to work in a convertible.

(The uniform is four pieces, if you include her high heels, six if you consider pasties.)

We should have just watched Strip Club Queens.

2. How do officials know where the line of scrimmage is?

photo credit: Monica's Dad via photopin cc
photo credit: Monica’s Dad via photopin cc

Line of scrimmage is no problem. It’s helmet-to-helmet hits and possession on fumbles they have a problem with.

The line judge’s job is to determine where the line of scrimmage is after every play. He begins each play on the sideline, and runs to the middle of the field as the play ends, holding up a hand to show the down.

He will retrieve the ball from the pile of humanity and place it on the field.

Another ball is then placed in the same spot, but on a hashmark, those dotted lines that go the length of the football field. And when it means the Denver Broncos are still short of a first down, daddy’s words need bleeped.

3. How do they dry a fish?

photo credit: josef.stuefer via photopin cc
photo credit: josef.stuefer via photopin cc

They didn’t cover this in BBQ Pitmasters?

This should be up my alley. According to zomppa.com, dried fish is the poor man’s food. It looks gross, though. And they dry croaker and shredded squid. Salmon, anyone? Before the advent of freezers, fishermen had to dry their catch if they wanted to eat it beyond this week.

Back in the day, they’d salt fish in a barrel to create an environment that prevents bacteria. According to the University of Alaska Fairbanks’ website, you’ll want to avoid bacteria in your dried fish. Also, beware ravens, seagulls, and, oh, blowflies that like to lay eggs that turn into maggots.

Dried croaker, anyone?

4. Aren’t there fish that glow?

What the … There are.

You can buy glowing tropical fish from glofish.com. They’re freaks of nature. They’re bred with a florescent gene. The American Museum of Natural History says more than 180 species of fish glows under blue light.

They call it florescent signaling, and even butterflies and spiders have it.

Dried florescent croaker, anyone?

photo credit: West Point - The U.S. Military Academy via photopin cc
photo credit: West Point – The U.S. Military Academy via photopin cc

5. Do NFL teams have unlimited times to go for two?

They can go for two as often as they want – provided they score touchdowns.

A team can opt to pass or run the ball into the end zone in place of the high-percentage point-after-touchdown kick. In Canada, it’s 5 yards out. In the U.S., 3 for college and high school, 2 for the pros.

Dick Vermeil, as an assistant coach at UCLA in the 1970s, developed a chart to determine whether a team should go for one or two. Coaches still use it today.

The Denver Broncos once went for two after every score in a rout of the Atlanta Falcons. Fans booed. What they didn’t know was Denver’s kicker, Jason Elam, got hurt. They had no choice but go for two.

The Broncos, racking up the points? Now that would be great TV.

goalpost quote



  1. laurie27wsmith says:

    I can well imagine the difficulty in explaining topless waitresses etc to young girls……awkwardddddd. Explaining dried fish is much easier. I remember a coastal village in Vietnam where they made that fish sauce. Phew, they had the cleaned fish laid out on a huge concrete slab. You could smell it a mile away. I’ll stick with salted/smoked fish thanks.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I could have gone with a made-up story about getting lost on her way to the pool, but it would only be a matter of time before she asked about the stilettos.

      Kind of makes me glad to be in the USA, where we’d rather just dunk our fish in hot grease.

      1. laurie27wsmith says:

        It’s a perilous, icy path a parent has to walk sometimes Mate. Yeah, I’ll settle for deep fried and battered fish any day.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I find in those cases, I’d rather deal in reality, because it’s easier to walk the kids through it.

        Similarly, please make my fish battered, with a goodly dose of tartar sauce.

      3. laurie27wsmith says:

        I agree, you can’t beat reality in these situations Eli. I guess it’s finding the right time. Fish on the way, beer battered.

  2. The worst part of the topless discussion? Those women are someone’s daughters.

    These are the kind of topics I dread talking to my girls about some day! We’ve already had some lively conversations with Bean about the unhealthy choices behind smoking. We’re trying to teach her to respect her body & take care of it without passing judgment for other people’s choices. Whew, this parenting stuff is hard!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I know … I wanted to go into why I hope she will work the worst restaurant job or dig ditches to buy her college textbooks and not become a dancer, or at least let me work in the worst restaurant job or dig ditches to buy her college textbooks. But I didn’t want to judge.

      This parenting stuff is hard. The smoking and meth warnings are easy. It’s tougher to teach them about the choices they’ll have to make when they have to make them, because they’re not there yet.

      1. Yes, some of the conversations are much easier. Bean is very fond of her teeth and ability to run fast, so I think we’ve sufficiently scared her away from cigarettes and meth! Two down, 15 million to go!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        You’re on the right path – there’s nothing worse than a toddler on meth! With cigarette breath.

  3. tamaralikecamera says:

    Why is Jessie so terrible? And Austin and Ally? And Dog with a Blog? Not that Scarlet watches any of these. She prefers the preschool shows, but these come on when we both snooze in front of the TV.
    I’m trying to imagine how I’d answer the topless bar question.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      those.kids.are.horrible.on.jessie. The theme song itself will make you hate your own ears. Hang on to the preschool shows as long as possible – Arthur, forever.

      The topless question could have used an entire post.

  4. Do you think if I invest in some glow-in-the-dark fish for Little Guy, it could spare me the thundering into my room and planting his ice cold feet on my legs at 2 a.m. because he had a nightmare? I know I’m reaching but I’m so tired…

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      perhaps – or perhaps the glow-in-the-dark fish would give him nightmares that made him thunder into your room and plant his ice-cold feet on your legs at 1 a.m.

      Poor Jenn – here’s wishing you a nap long enough to leave you dazed about a.m. and p.m. and a pool of slobber to show for it.

  5. Kim says:

    I don’t even know what Jessie is – I guess I should be happy!!
    We went through a chunk of time when the boys were younger that we watched HGTV, Food Network and sports – safest channels and I can only handle so much Sponge Bob (which they still like – ugh!!).
    Dried fish?? That is sort-of completely disgusting!!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Consider yourself lucky, Kim. Very lucky.

      Grace loves SpongeBob, so I can’t knock it too much, because I adore her, but if you listen to it and don’t watch it, it’ll make your brain behind your eyes ache.

      Then again, when Elise watches Dr. Who, there’s a bunch of noise, too.

      Grace asked about drying fish for display, but I couldn’t find anything on that, so I went the food route.

      I’d rather eat a vegetable, honestly.

  6. Thanks, Eli. Now I’m going to have nightmares about those freakish fish. And my son seeing strippers. When we’re undecided, the tie goes to Pawn Stars.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Sure thing, Gina. Which are freakish, the glowing ones or the dried ones? I’d rather take my chance with my kids and dried fish than strippers.

      Pawn Stars is always a good go-to – so good in fact, that we’ve watched all the episodes we had recorded!

  7. Rorybore says:

    Unfortunately some of these swimsuit clad gals are also Instagram stars. Sometimes without the suit part. And they like to use child friendly hashtags like #pikachu #sonic or #starwars so that men can easily find them. Thankfully my son upon discovering one such wannabe aspiring “model” was found to say: “what an idiot! she put her naked picture on the web! doesn’t she know privates are private mom?”
    You really should be able to b*tch slap someone through your screen.
    Does that make it a line of scrimmage?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I had no idea.

      #starwars seems like an unfair way to bait. And those gals are definitely offsides. That’s for sure a neutral zone infraction.

      #privatesareprivate ought to be the next trending hashtag.

  8. findingninee says:

    Ah, Eli! You’re a Broncos fan? Did I know that? No, nope, I don’t think I did. I was born and raised in Denver, Co and watched every painful minute of this year’s superbowl. Sigh.
    Also, I’ve pretty much just been waiting for my fish to die? But now that I know about the glowing ones? Rethinking it. Seriously….

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Hey Kristi. Yes, I am a Broncos fan. We might or might not have discussed this before and after the Super Bowl, but you know what?

      That’s a period in my life I’ve decided – consciously or unconsciously – to vanquish to the corners of my psyche.

      Five times we’ve lost this game, and there are feelings that take you right back to that 49ers Super Bowl or Giants Super Bowl or Redskins Super Bowl or even the one against Dallas, if you’re old enough (I was 6).

      I wonder how glowing fish fare in the wild – what’s hunting (and hiding from being hunted) like when you glow in the dark?

  9. ksbeth says:

    maybe she is working her way through medical school and cannot afford her whole uniform yet? must be her first year, she is still missing lots of pieces of clothing.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You know, I wanted to toe this line between non-judgement of the possibly noble stripper and the stern warning that I never, ever want my girls to have to do that.

      I’ll sell my Star Wars figures *and* spaceships to help with tuition and books before I want it to come to that!

      Yeah, I hope for Dr. Stripper’s sake, it’s not flu season.

  10. Tricia says:

    Sometimes I read these posts and think, ahh I can’t wait for the sweet questions my kids will ask. And sometimes I come away terrified! Tough questions this week! Yes, parenting is hard. But you’re rocking it.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Tricia, it’s going to be a combination of both, you know? And they’ll ask sweet ones, like, dad, what would you put on the ultimate grilled cheese sandwich?

      Love knows no bounds.

      Thanks, Tricia. I’m just grateful their asking me stuff.
      Although, Marie asked “can you have a tattoo removed?”

  11. Sandy Ramsey says:

    You do such a great job answering these questions, Eli. I have learned so much just catching up tonight. The stripper question would be tough.
    I don’t care much for Jessie either. Actually, a lot of the Disney Channel shows leave a lot to be desired.
    Oh, just when I thought I was over the Super Bowl……

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      So glad were you were able to catch up – I still haven’t. I wish I could! I’d love to write the guest blogs I’ve promised and read all the blogs I love – just catch up with it all.

      Disney Channel shows give me cramps in my spleen, mostly.

      I’m still trying to get over the Super Bowl loss to Washington.

  12. Dana says:

    This has nothing to do with your post today, but when you talked about the stripper question, I thought of it: We have had some serious conversations this week about Ray Rice and his assault on his girlfriend. What a tough conversation to have with your kids about someone they looked up to. Ugh. I hope your girls haven’t heard about it, since you’re not in Ravens country.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I think about what the girls would think if one of the players they admire got caught up in something like this. Elise once thought a lot of Tiger Woods, and they made a Mii of him on the Wii – that they deleted on their own.

      What did your kids say about Ray Rice? It’s a tough walk between admonishment and forgiveness, isn’t it?

      1. Dana says:

        It is. They haven’t said much, and we are just waiting until the full story comes out. We’ve talked a lot about domestic violence, though. And my son just said that Torrey Smith is his role model. I just pray that he stays a good one.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Sounds like a post to me: Dear Torrey Smith … please don’t let my son down. I always wondered how I’d have handled the Michael Vick situation if my kids were fans.

        They love RGIII.

        Domestic violence … that’s a subject I haven’t had to deal with with my girls. Yet.

      3. Dana says:

        I love that idea for a post – I may use that.

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        I’ll help you get the link to Torrey, too.

  13. I am glad my kids don’t ask as many questions as yours! I am sure I would bumble it.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I have no doubt I bumble some.

      But I can’t imagine a better thing to do with my Fridays. Next to pizza night.

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