Go Ask Daddy About Armpit Issues, Colossal Cars and Worldwide Traffic

photo credit: Qonas via photopin cc
photo credit: Qonas via photopin cc

I love me some college T-shirts.

Always have. I buy them at Goodwill sometimes now, like a Furman University soccer tee I once found there. I especially love the obscure institution. Clearance racks are classic for this. If you want an Alfred State football shirt, look there.

Or at Goodwill. If there’s two, get me one, too.

In junior high, I found a Yale shirt for cheap.

Picture that – punk Hispanic kid wearing a Yale shirt. Some of the affluent boys in the school scoffed. I didn’t even know what the Ivy League was. “Yeah right!” they said and pushed each other, just like the bad guys in a tween movie, laughing.

Look at me now, boys. Not at my transcript from either of my junior years in college.

photo credit: eriwst via photopin cc
photo credit: eriwst via photopin cc

I’m talking about my post on Mommy Verbs about nouns sportswriters turn into verbs. And the one Science of Parenthood about daddy math. Complex stuff. That pretty much proves I’m one of them there academics. I should sport one of those jackets with the arm patches. And a scarf. Wonder if they have them at Goodwill.

It’ll take a scholar to take on Go Ask Daddy this week, with a concentration in body odor, dumb hockey mascots and canine urine.

1. What does unscented deodorant do?

photo credit: redjar via photopin cc
photo credit: redjar via photopin cc

Mask dog pee, I hope.

Unscented deodorant feels as functional as caffeine-free soda. Or touch football. But we should make the distinction between anti-perspirant and deodorant. Anti-perspirant prevents sweat.

Deodorant doesn’t, but it just covers it with a pleasant scent, like ocean breeze, lily of the valley or choco chunk.

So unscented deodorant, when it’s also an anti-perspirant, will make you smell like anti-perspirant. Unscented deodorant without an anti-perspirant will make you smell like … you.

2. Why are they called the Maple Leafs?

photo credit: redjar via photopin cc
photo credit: redjar via photopin cc

Because what invokes fear on the ice more than a salad ingredient?

Toronto’s NHL team isn’t the worst name in pro sports. (I think the English Professors Against Language Infractions voted on it). That would likely go to the Utah Starzz of the WNBA. Toronto’s assault on the English language began in 1927. That’s when new ownership wanted the team named after World War I army unit known as the Maple Leaf Regiment.

They haven’t won the Stanley Cup in 46 years – the NHL’s longest drought. Even a Toronto Venus Fly Trap or Poison Ivy could have won a cup in that time frame.

3. What’s the biggest car?

Check out this video from BBC World on a Dodge Power Wagon made 64 times bigger than the original:

Studebaker made a car in 1938 that measured almost 69 feet long. Too bad it didn’t run. But it’s not like Sheikh Hamad’s super Wagon was street legal. Chrysler’s Icecap is 14 feet tall and 36 feet long. With a V12 engine. It’s about as efficient as the Toronto Maple Leafs front office.

4. Will dog pee deactivate a credit card?

photo credit: adamgreenfield via photopin cc
photo credit: adamgreenfield via photopin cc

The better question is – what inspired this question?

Dog pee isn’t among the usual suspects for credit-card demagnetization. Or deactivation. Eel skin doesn’t do it, either. Neither does using it three days in a row at Jack In the Box. A beagle once peed on my work bag. And a seagull pooped on my arm. Neither affected my ability to charge.

5. Do they have streets in China, or do they just drive wherever they want to drive?

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc
photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

Sometimes it feels like the whole rest of the world is a jungle, doesn’t it?

Chinese traffic isn’t so chaotic as it is bottleneck. Many old Chinese cities weren’t built for cars. This is a country that a few years ago had a traffic jam that spanned 62 miles and 10 days. That’s worse than a traffic jam in Atlanta in a snowstorm.

They don’t go where they want to go; they stay in one place wishing they could go where they want to go.

So, they have streets. And too many cars for them. That’s a bad combination.

It doesn’t take a Yale alumnus to figure that out.

# # #

Congratulations to UGLee Pen giveaway winner Sandy Ramsey!


  1. laurie27wsmith says:

    I used anti-perspirant once. It affected the lymph glands in my pit, they swelled up and bang, I fainted. So I smell like Lilly of the armpit now, or some other spray deodorant. Had a mare pee in my face once (don’t ask) I didn’t even think of my key-card. I know I smelled attractive to other horses for a little while.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That, my friend, sounds like a post. About the mare.

      You really are a stud.

      1. laurie27wsmith says:

        Stud? Walking disaster more like it. I’ll never forget what that mare did Mate.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Please write about this, my brother.

      3. laurie27wsmith says:

        I’ll probably do it when I run out of medium stories, or perhaps a midweek fill-in post.

  2. My husband still wears his old college t-shirts and just was actually commenting about a week ago that maybe he should dress his age and buy some newer t-shirts, but I know he loves them so and probably will have a hard time parting with them, too. And well, I am not touching the dog pee, because seriously I changed enough dirty diapers with my girls in a two year period that I am not going there this early in the morning for me now, lol!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      T-shirts are ageless – and I take pride in knowing a couple of my college T-shirts are older than the kids who star for those schools today.

      I really wish I knew where the pee question came from … or, do I?

  3. Tamara says:

    I think it’s impressive that you would eat maple leafs salad! Would you add some grated cheese and wings? You know, red ones? And I always thought you liked nachos and froot loops. Hmmm.
    Dog pee might just be the trigger to that special credit card database crash I am planning.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Why not? Grated cheese is a must, as are wings. NOT red ones. Talk about gamey. Nachos and Froot Loops are for dessert.

      Now the NSA is following you and my blog. Hi Dana Perino! Oh wait, she’s not in the White House any more. Dangit.

  4. Kim says:

    Wow – quite a range of questions today!!! I like the idea of wearing a Yale shirt – maybe I should check out the local thrift stores!!! Actually today I will be wearing a Texas Longhorn shirt – gotta support them in the Big 12 tournament (and wearing a shirt is definitely supporting, right?!).
    I’m going to hope a dog never pees on any of my cards – that would mean it also peed on my purse!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      The girls were all over the place! You might find Yale, or you might find Grand Valley State – you just don’t know until you get there.

      It’s sad that my alma mater, as we enter a huge hoops weekend, has already been sent home from its tournament. Wearing the shirt is definitely a show of support (I did yesterday).

      If your purse gets peed on, I’d check that chap stick before you check your Visa.

  5. lisanewlin says:

    I can only hope that the previous owners of your second-hand (more like second-armpit) tshirts used antiperspirant with deodorant. Hopefully you didn’t learn the answer to that question the hard way.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I do a pit check when I buy from Goodwill. It’s visual – I draw the line at the sniff test.

  6. Sandy Ramsey says:

    Hey! There’s my name 🙂 I’m excited about the Uglee pens but I think my kids are thinking they’re getting them….ha!
    As always, the questions are intriguing and the answers, brilliant. I have to ask….what was the reasoning behind the question about dog pee on the credit card? Do we get to find out? Because I’m pretty interested.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I should have put it up in bright lights! You didn’t tell the kids, did you? Because you’ll never see them.

      This batch was a challenge. The oldest asked about the credit card – we were just walking together and it came up out of thin air.

      I need to ask her about the backstory.

      And it might just be good enough for its own blog.

  7. Julia Tomiak says:

    Hilarious! And, a we have a 10 pound puppy with a Napoleon complex hell bent on marking anything he can, I can see how the pee question might come up. Maybe. Have an awesome weekend!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Julia. Maybe I should mark my credit cards before the girls get any ideas.

      Hope your weekend is great too, Julia.

  8. tamaralikecamera says:

    In that photo you like so much that I took on a dog beach in San Diego? A dog came over and peed on my friend after that photo was taken!
    I hope his credit card was ok..

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You should have checked! That could have solved the mystery right there.

  9. SixFeetUnderBlog says:

    These are too funny! I have never heard of the dog pee deactivating a card. I’m now going to think of you when I pass college tshirts at Goodwill. lol

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Glad you liked them – they could come only from the minds of my girls three. I need to ask the teenager who crafted that question WHY she asked it.

      If you see any cool, obscure schools, without any pit stains, in a size L, in heather gray … well, save them for my birthday!

  10. ksbeth says:

    i have my fav shirts that i love to wear with jeans or shorts and they are beaten and weathered and well loved. they are comfort for me like mac ‘n cheese.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      what’s even better: mac ‘n cheese while you’re wearing a shirt like that.

  11. Rorybore says:

    I still have my college tshirts. It was a moral imperative that I keep them because about 90% of them were from my dormitory: in the infamous Saugeen-Maitland. We called it “the zoo” (that was a understatement quite honestly) and the tshirts all bore that name. Then the President of the University banned the use of the moniker — an appearance on a David Letterman Top Ten List for rowdiest college dorms didn’t help – and they started fining people who made, or wore any tshirt depicting the dorm as such. For real. I treasure those tshirts now. I am part of history! (or maybe that was anarchy?)
    Anyway, being one of dem smart folks you mentioned, the next President finally decided to rid the dorm of this bad image, by increasing the Grade Point Average necessary to be admitted to the dorm. Because smart people don’t party, right?
    Guess they missed the fact that myself and about 30 other people I knew were enrolled in Honours Level Degrees — which we all managed to pass.
    Also, keep dissing the Leafs and I’ll LOVE you forever. 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Sometimes, Rore, your comments? They’re like guest posts. I love them.Is it wrong to pimp out a post and call attention to your comment?

      Is there a collection of zoo stories I can find somewhere? Maybe you should create a new page on the blog for something like this. Or an ebook.

      The Leafs just seem to ask for it, don’t they? Even my kids get in a few slugs at them.

  12. Dana says:

    I’d love some unscented deodorant in my house. Are you familiar with Axe deodorant? It’s all the rage with tween boys, and it is ridiculously strong -I’d almost rather smell sweat. Or dog pee.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Would it be easy on your nose? I didn’t know Axe made deodorant – my girls long ago got me the spray, but I got tired of runway models attacking me in elevators (isn’t that what the commercials promise?)

      I imagine the Axe is out in full effect now that it’s springtime. Nature calling and all.

  13. Stephanie says:

    Those questions really are all over the place, very funny. The first time I ever “heard” of Alfred was in a Champion outlet store on a t-shirt. Instant childhood flashback. And I’m laughing at Dana’s comment above about the Axe, my boys both love it but too much and it can blow you out of the house. I guess it’s nice they care about how they smell at all – it could be way worse.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      This was a particularly difficult set to deal with. There are some really cool college names, such as Castleton State, Claremont-Mudd-Scripps and Defiance.

      I’d proudly wear threads from any of those.

      Like barbecue ribs, attention to the opposite sex and loud car mufflers, Axe spray is something we of the male gender must learn to deal with in moderation.

      Most of those lessons are hard to learn.

  14. Are you dissing the Maple Leafs?!?! I don’t care…I’m not a die-hard for any sports teams (well maybe the TO Blue Jays) but I have friends who are…I won’t tell them where you live! 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I am, and not intentionally – the kids just asked! I’d be ever more harsh on the red wings.

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