I love to cook.
I’m a foodie. I can do something about my affliction. I can’t say the same for those of you who pine on Pinterest for brownies and holiday wreaths, yet can’t boil water or cross a stitch. It’s not always pretty when I get in the kitchen, though.
I’m this strange amalgamation of Emeril and Richard Lewis when I deal with measuring cups and skillets.
Like Emeril, I’m ambitious. (And I would love someday to have a chef shirt with a script E on it, because, of course.) I’m ready to battle with babyback ribs, take on tortilla soup or pound out some pumpkin pie.
Spices, they’re my muses, and cheeses, my loyal subjects.
But somewhere between the creaming and beating and simmering, doubt creeps in.
Did I cook that enough? Bake that too much? Have I started the baked beans before their time? Too much panko on my chicken-o, horseradish in my hashbrowns or cilantro in my picanto? (I know, that makes no sense.)
Don’t even get me started on poultry thermometers.
Emeril becomes Richard Lewis when the heat gets turned up.
When dinner’s served, my counters look like Baghdad. My clothes, like I’ve been in a paintball training course with olive oil and baking powder. I’m done.
I can’t even sample what I’ve made.
OK, so here’s what the girls needed to know this week.
1. What does the FJ stand for on the official’s back?
It’s never off season for football, is it?
FJ means Field Judge. Football needs seven referees. The parallel between them and Snow White’s friends isn’t lost on me. There’s the Back Judge, Field Judge, Head Linesman, Line Judge, Referee, Side Judge, and Umpire. The Field Judge rules on illegal blocks downfield, incomplete passes, and pass interference.
He also has to count defensive players and help determine whether field-goal attempts are good. I’m not the only one with a hodgepodge on my plate.
2. Is there such a thing as a thousand-dollar bill?
The only G Note daddy’s going to hit is on his harmonica, kids.
Thousand dollar bills have gone the way of the Mexican placekicker – to the great yesteryear vault in the sky. Today, American currency comes in $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 denominations. Back in the 1860s, Americans also dealt in denominations of $500, $1,000 and even a $100,000 bill.
Which president graces the G note? It wasn’t Know Nothing candidate Millard Fillmore. Not electrophobiac Benjamin Harrison or even Old Rough and Ready Zachary Taylor. That distinction went to Grover Cleveland.
A Grover-note (G note!) would be worth $12,750 today. That’s a lot of G’s, G.
3. What is it called when a bunch of people just start dancing?
I don’t know, but it makes me want to spill a bag of marbles just to see what happens next.
I kid, I kid. Kind of.
That’s a flash mob. It’s huge in the Caucasian world. Commercials love them. Why do they turn me violent? Like mimes. I want to put one in a headlock, just once. You’d think I have a problem with the French, Democrats and hipsters.
God, I sound bitter. Give me a G note, though, and I’ll shake my money maker with the rest of them.
4. Why were athletes from the British Virgin Islands out of the Winter Olympics for so long?
The British Virgin Islands are misfits in the Winter Games. Like me groovin’ like I’m in a musical with a bunch of white guys in fedoras and vests.
The average winter temperature in the British Virgin Islands is 84 degrees. Not exactly bobsledding weather. Speedskater Errol Spence represented the Virgin Islands at Sarajevo in 1984.
Why did no other athletes compete for BVI until skier Peter Adam Crook represented the islands in Sochi, 2012? Because the only ice in the British Virgin Islands is busy keeping tourists’ cocktails chilled.
5. Is a spider’s pee venomous?
Trying to imagine the eight-legged wonder lifting a back leg to let loose …
Spider pee is venom free. Sounds like a public service announcement. Spiders are too little to pee. Instead, their tiny systems compact their urine-esque waste along with their poop. It’s excreted through the spider’s anus as a two-in one combo.
And now you know more about spider digestion than Millard Fillmore knew about politics.