Go Ask Daddy About Ref Jobs, Flash Mobs and Spider Globs


photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc
photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

I love to cook.

I’m a foodie. I can do something about my affliction. I can’t say the same for those of you who pine on Pinterest for brownies and holiday wreaths, yet can’t boil water or cross a stitch. It’s not always pretty when I get in the kitchen, though.

I’m this strange amalgamation of Emeril and Richard Lewis when I deal with measuring cups and skillets.

Like Emeril, I’m ambitious. (And I would love someday to have a chef shirt with a script E on it, because, of course.) I’m ready to battle with babyback ribs, take on tortilla soup or pound out some pumpkin pie.

Spices, they’re my muses, and cheeses, my loyal subjects.

But somewhere between the creaming and beating and simmering, doubt creeps in.

Did I cook that enough? Bake that too much? Have I started the baked beans before their time? Too much panko on my chicken-o, horseradish in my hashbrowns or cilantro in my picanto? (I know, that makes no sense.)

Don’t even get me started on poultry thermometers.

Emeril becomes Richard Lewis when the heat gets turned up.

When dinner’s served, my counters look like Baghdad. My clothes, like I’ve been in a paintball training course with olive oil and baking powder. I’m done.

I can’t even sample what I’ve made.

OK, so here’s what the girls needed to know this week.

1. What does the FJ stand for on the official’s back?

photo credit: marsmet481 via photopin cc
photo credit: marsmet481 via photopin cc

It’s never off season for football, is it?

FJ means Field Judge. Football needs seven referees. The parallel between them and Snow White’s friends isn’t lost on me. There’s the Back Judge, Field Judge, Head Linesman, Line Judge, Referee, Side Judge, and Umpire. The Field Judge rules on illegal blocks downfield, incomplete passes, and pass interference.

He also has to count defensive players and help determine whether field-goal attempts are good.  I’m not the only one with a hodgepodge on my plate.

2. Is there such a thing as a thousand-dollar bill?

Even Jenn and Rore have it, kids.  photo credit: brian.ch via photopin cc
Even Jenn and Rore have it, kids.
photo credit: brian.ch via photopin cc

The only G Note daddy’s going to hit is on his harmonica, kids.

Thousand dollar bills have gone the way of the Mexican placekicker – to the great yesteryear vault in the sky. Today, American currency comes in $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 denominations. Back in the 1860s, Americans also dealt in denominations of $500, $1,000 and even a $100,000 bill.

Which president graces the G note? It wasn’t Know Nothing candidate Millard Fillmore. Not electrophobiac  Benjamin Harrison or even Old Rough and Ready Zachary Taylor. That distinction went to Grover Cleveland.

A Grover-note (G note!) would be worth $12,750 today. That’s a lot of G’s, G.

photo credit: Pryere via photopin cc
photo credit: Pryere via photopin cc

3. What is it called when a bunch of people just start dancing?

I don’t know, but it makes me want to spill a bag of marbles just to see what happens next.

I kid, I kid. Kind of.

That’s a flash mob. It’s huge in the Caucasian world. Commercials love them. Why do they turn me violent? Like mimes. I want to put one in a headlock, just once. You’d think I have a problem with the French, Democrats and hipsters.

God, I sound bitter. Give me a G note, though, and I’ll shake my money maker with the rest of them.

4. Why were athletes from the British Virgin Islands out of the Winter Olympics for so long?

photo credit: kenteegardin via photopin cc
photo credit: kenteegardin via photopin cc

The British Virgin Islands are misfits in the Winter Games. Like me groovin’ like I’m in a musical with a bunch of white guys in fedoras and vests.

The average winter  temperature in the British Virgin Islands is 84 degrees. Not exactly bobsledding weather. Speedskater Errol Spence represented the Virgin Islands at Sarajevo in 1984.

Why did no other athletes compete for BVI until skier Peter Adam Crook represented the islands in Sochi, 2012? Because the only ice in the British Virgin Islands is busy keeping tourists’ cocktails chilled.

5. Is a spider’s pee venomous?

photo credit: e_monk via photopin cc
photo credit: e_monk via photopin cc

Trying to imagine the eight-legged wonder lifting a back leg to let loose …

Spider pee is venom free. Sounds like a public service announcement. Spiders are too little to pee. Instead, their tiny systems compact their urine-esque waste along with their poop. It’s excreted through the spider’s anus as a two-in one combo.

And now you know more about spider digestion than Millard Fillmore knew about politics.

You’re welcome.

chef quote

 

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29 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Ref Jobs, Flash Mobs and Spider Globs

  1. 3:00 in the morning and I am laughing at “spider pee is venom free”.
    Football season ended? Given how many NFL mobile notifications I get, you would think it was in full swing already 🙂

    1. Better than reruns of “Hanging with Mr. Cooper”, right? Glad you were up and at ’em so bright and early, Sheen. Football never ends. What, with free agency, draft noise and arrest warrants.

  2. In our house, Ed Hochuli is simply known as ‘Arms.’ Because dude is ripped. Did you know he’s also an attorney? As for this mama’s cooking skills, Julia would be very disappointed. My lack of domestic skills extends to the kitchen!

    1. Ed’s one of the most tolerable referees, but as a coach, I have a natural aversion to zebra stripes. His background in law would explain the sometimes verbose way he explains a holding call.

      It’s not about skill – it’s about effort! At least that’s what I tell myself when I cook.

  3. You totally need an E! Exclamation markI chef shirt! I can’t believe sandwich chicken is being marinated with a SIMPLE marinade that includes 7 ingredients that need chopping or grinding! But I guess it all makes sense now: the chicken crossed the road to soak in Emeril’s Spa gourmet marinade…
    Cooking is much like writing: pour your heart into it, trust your guts and never doubt it!
    Glad to hear that there is no grumpy judge in football!
    No comment on the spider 2in1 combo. C’mon – in the same post as that yummy chicken sandwich?

    1. Maybe for my birthday? Simple to Emeril is definitely not simple to Eli for that marinade. That video can make me hungry for a chicken sandwich at breakfast.

      You’re right about that – there’s a lot of things in life you just have to head into with all you’ve got.

      Gross as the digestive tract of the spider might be, that’s still a delicious sandwich.

  4. I had to laugh about the spider pee.
    One day I’ll have to submit some Scarlet questions for you to muse over. Yesterday she asked me what happens if you get locked in a zoo. And of course I had a story for her, because I always have a story. And it was about getting locked in a zoo in New Orleans. In July. With a bad boy. And hungry lions.
    I did embellish about the trolley ride home. I told her it played music like on Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.
    Anyway, I digress. That first photo scrambled my brain cells.

    1. What’s not to laugh about when it comes to spider pee?

      That would be a great idea for a guest post – Go Ask Someone Else’s Daddy. I think I know what it feels like to be locked in a zoo – it was a snow day with my girls.

      This story in the zoo … will it be coming to a blog post near you anytime soon? That first photo represents a dream of mine – a cookie as tall as me.

      1. I probably should discuss that story. Luckily I survived it. It may be in a truths and lies post, but shh….it’s one of the true ones!

  5. I never thought about #5 – hopefully the one in the shower with me the other day did not do the deed – not allowed in there – ha! Happy Weekend – Here’s to Keeping It Real 🙂

    1. Oh, I don’t think Emeril is lovely at all. Or sexy.

      I’m just glad, after the spider pee endeavor, this feature isn’t called Go Make Daddy Prove the Science on This.

    1. Again – what does it say about my kids that this is the second question about animal urine? We’ll educate the world, one urinary tract at a time.

      These kids keep me in business, T.

  6. Well, at least I will have one less burning question keeping me awake tonight – I’m so happy to know about spiders bathroom habits!!

  7. You know what….I think your blog has the most interesting topics in all the blogosphere!! Spider Pee is Venom Free…whoda thought?! Great post my friend lmao~ 😉 and most definitely sharing now!! ❤

    1. The whole blogosphere, you mean it? Because there’s a lot of interesting stuff out there. I know, because I have to visit those sites to answer these kids’ questions.

      Thanks for the share! Every time I make someone laugh their ass off, a pelican gets a beak full of mullet.

  8. What do you know – a Canadian “pinkie”!
    that’s gangsta lingo for the Canadian G Note — because that is basically who has all the remaining $1,000 bills. They went out of circulation back in 2000 in attempts to clean up organized crime and such — any bill deposited to a bank in Canada is destroyed. (not before being traced I would imagine.) But mostly — they remain in the hands of the bad guys.
    these are the things you know when you are married to a vice cop.
    Although, he does make a darn good sandwhich too. 🙂

    1. I thought a Canadian pinkie was a red wings fan from Edmonton or some such. The thought of Canadian gangsters is nearly impossible when I think of them money-rolling with pink currency.

      And now you’re telling me you married the Canadian Emeril? I wonder which side Canadians put the mayo on.

  9. You know, Eli, I learn so much from your writing. I’m sitting here early on Sunday morning, before football games, drinking coffee…only to find out that spider pee is venom free and actually the creepy little buggers don’t actually even urinate. I can go back to bed now. I will learn nothing more interesting today.
    I love a man who cooks. My husband does and he’s better at it than me. I watch the shows and think how great it would be to be able to cook like that, they make it look like art. Maybe one of these days I’ll stop hating it and fearing it and learn how to really get it done.

    1. Thanks Sandy. Don’t you feel like you can really bond with the next spider you encounter. Unless it’s in your bed. Then I can’t guarantee no one will pee.

      I tried something new this morning in the kitchen – I put stuff away after I used it, and cleaned as I went. It feels like the same transformation from homo erectus to homo sapien sapien. Or, something.

      Grace and I used to do our own pretend cooking show. But the ratings died when my sponsors found out I won’t use margarine.

      Don’t be in such a rush to cook, with a hubs in the house who will do it.

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