Go Ask Daddy About Yardstick Physics, Post-Twister Finances and iPhone Hotbeds

photo credit: SimonDoggett via photopin cc
photo credit: SimonDoggett via photopin cc

It’s been about a year since the great yogurt incident.

See, I dropped my vintage flip phone into a small vat of vanilla yogurt. See what happens when I try to be healthy? I wanted a slice of meat-lover’s pizza. I went all yoga-Dr. Oz-Mr. Goodbody healthy.

And all I got was a lousy flip phone with a darkened screen.

The phone would have bounced right off the pizza slice.

Now, I don’t have to bother co-workers or my kids for blog photos. I still get the best stormtrooper shots from photopin.com. The kids take some just as good. The blurry, not-so-creative ones? They’re the ones I take. Hey, I’m still getting used to it.

I’ll explain how an old, poor dude like me wound up with an iPhone 4 later in this post. But I also want to announce that Rabia Lieber of The Lieber’s fame won the high-stakes Gorton’s giveaway I hosted. Way to go Rabia!

photo credit: MrGuymon via photopin cc
photo credit: MrGuymon via photopin cc

The Gorton’s fisherman will deliver the goods soon.

One blogger from the 6 Words challenge this week wrote a post about her entry. And I appreciate all the sharing love and reposting that went on this week.

The numbers were phenomenal, and I saw some traffic going to some of you out of it.


Wonder what the girls want to know this week …



1. If I put this yardstick in the ceiling fan, what would break, the yardstick or the ceiling fan?


I had a yardstick in one hand, and the other on the switch. I was that close.

The ceiling fan wins, I’m out a $1.56. The yardstick wins, I’m out $145.

Plus, there are factors:

What speed is the fan on?

Does it have a DC motor?

Is the yardstick metal or wood?

Is the fan on winter or summer mode?

Your grandfather once stuck his finger in a ceiling fan. True story.

Me? I put the yardstick down. I’d bet on the ceiling fan, though.

2. How does an envelope get sticky when you lick it?

photo credit: Mr. Ducke via photopin cc
photo credit: Mr. Ducke via photopin cc

From the latent poisons inside. (Only if you’re Susan Ross and engaged to George Costanza on Seinfeld. A particularly deadly choice, by the way.)

For the rest of us, our saliva interacts with the gum arabic glue on the envelope. (Or, a small sponge with water, if you’re from the rich side of town.)

They make gum arabic out of hardened acacia sap found in west Africa and northwest India.

It’s edible. They use gum arabic in gumdrops, marshmallows and M&Ms.

I’d rather stick a marshmallow in the ceiling fan.

Why couldn’t you have asked that?

3. Who pays for those people’s houses after a tornado?

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

If a house is all people lose in a storm – they’re lucky.

Just this week, 35 people died as a result of tornadoes across the south, Oklahoma to Tennessee. Most homeowner policies include tornado coverage. But sometimes, they don’t have enough to cover all the rebuilding costs. Some people don’t have any homeowners insurance at all.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency provides some financial aid. You can donate $10 to The Salvation Army’s tornado relief fund by texting STORM to 80888.

4. How old is Luke Kuechly?

Kuechly, the Carolina Panthers star linebacker, turned 23 on April 20.

He was born my freshman year of college, to add some perspective. And no, we didn’t even have the Internet back then. Kuechly is a fan favorite and has achieved a level of appreciation as one of the league’s rising stars.

No, not by Pro Bowls or Rookie of the Year awards or a last name that takes thought to type.

He’s in the first Madden 15 trailer. Check it out!

5. Is eBay the only place to get iPhones?

No. But did you know you can get a Luke Kuechly iPhone case on Amazon?

The main place to get an iPhone is the Apple Store. You’ve seen them in the mall, and mistaken them for a hipster convention. Or a Barack Obama campaign drive. Millennials will stand in line to doodle around with Apple products all day.

They’ll camp out like Brownies to buy the latest ones.

Or, you can befriend a friendly blogger to get one.

I shouldn’t make fun of Apple, now that I’m an Apple user. My iPhone is courtesy of an unnamed reader and fellow blogger who was kind enough to send me an iPhone 4 she isn’t using. I’m grateful. No more missed calls. No more texts I can’t read.

No more kids asking “what’s THAT?” when I pull out my flip phone. And I keep track of my newly-started Couch to 5K and Cross Trainer workout on it. And my blog comments. And watch Rockies games. They’re 17-12 now, you know.

And, there are many other things possible with an iPhone 4. Photos like this one, for instance, when you let the kidlets use your device:


Not even a yogurt bath can stop that kid.




  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Smartphones are awesome. And OMG, how cute is she with those freckles?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I love mine – and I’d take a picture of it, but, of course. We do love those freckles a lot.

  2. I have an iPhone 4 and as a fellow Apple girl still cant wait for the new iPhone. I have been patiently waiting since my contract has been up and my phone is a slow as anything. But seriously over the Seinfeld reference here today (yes huge fan) and also the selfie was priceless! And still huge thanks for letting me be a part of 6 words again this month. You know I love joining in. Wishing you a great weekend now 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      iPhone 4 feels like the most space-age invention ever to me. I hardly have any apps on it, and the girls make fun of me for that, but I don’t want it all junked up.

      (I always thought Susan Ross was kinda cute, by the way – cuter than George’s range.) That selfie was one of about 17 dozen the girls took.

      You’re rocking the 6 words … look forward to your contribution next time!

  3. I’ve been rockin’ my Android smartphone for about two years now, but if my company issues me a phone, I’ll be making the switch to Apple, too. I like my Android, but the iPhone definitely takes better pics. Love that selfie!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Marie hates her Android – but I think it has something to do with the junky apps they download. I’m still pretty clunky when it comes to this phone – I had to ask the girls at work to show me how to turn down the ringer!

      I could have posted an entire day of selfies – I never know what I’m going to find on my phone when they’ve had it in their grubby hands!

  4. Kim says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t test the yardstick on the fan – and you could have recorded it with your iPhone!!!
    I love my iPhone (and my iPad and MacBook Air!!!). I also have a Samsung phone for my business and I hate it!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Or, I could have been impaled by a freebie super ruler. Do you think your MacBook Air could have stopped the blades? The girls have hated the Samsungs and HTCs they’ve bought on eBay … they’re jealous of my stellar machine.

      Wait, calling it a machine makes me seem old, doesn’t it?

  5. Rorybore says:

    My hubby just joined the Apple family….. he was addicted to The Crackberry for many years, but got frustrated that my son and I could FaceTime each other fart jokes and he couldn’t chime in. Priorities for a man, right? We did have a few glitches switching him over though — you can read about it in my post today.
    My daughter also has a freckle nose — that could easily be my photo stream. minus the butt shots off course. At least.. I hope for your sake. 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Blackberry’s Canadian, right? First we take all the good pro hockey, now your hubs’ smartphone loyalty. I am going to check out your post this instant.

      Wait, you know about the butt shots? Oh, you were talking about you. My bad.

  6. Ugh, I have (grudgingly) just recently admitted that I probably need an iPhone. I’m being dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I held onto my fliphone until the very instant I was offered a free iPhone. I could never go back.

  7. laurie27wsmith says:

    Does running ones phone over with a tractor count Mate? You really know your phone’s dead then. Obviously healthy things like yoghurt are damaging to modern electronics. We have been made dependant on the little suckers, only a few brave souls remain staunch and unfettered by technology. They’re the ones probably driving tractors, looking for dropped phones.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I think it does, amigo. That kind of takes doubt out of the equation. Honestly, a double-fudge brownie would have been a soft landing place for my flip phone.

      I feel like I have a healthy relationship with mine, one of mutual respect and convenience – she’s there when I need her, but I don’t live for her. Yet.

      I wonder what percentage of tractor drivers are also smartphone users. Years ago, there was a college volleyball tournament and a comic convention in town.

      I saw lots of tall, fit college girls in pony tails, and grown men in size 46 jeans and Superman T-shirts. I wondered if, among the tallest comic man and shortest volleyball girl, if love blossomed somewhere that weekend.

      1. laurie27wsmith says:

        You could do a post on the best landing places for phones. They never seem to survive being hurled into a wall for some reason. I’m about the same with mine. I use it more for the internet connection when we’re out shopping. I usually sit and ponder life’s mysteries while Lorelle shops. If the tractor drivers were smart they wouldn’t take their phone with them. I used it for listening to the radio while I slashed the grass.
        Mate you’re getting into the realm of older men’s fantasies here. It would have to be the case of a short volleyball player with serious daddy issues I think.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I wish I could get a phone made out of the stuff they make hockey pucks out of. I don’t hurl mine as much as I drop them incessantly. If only they bounced.

        Why do smartphone batteries die so quickly? And isn’t it the same to tractor-drive with a smartphone as it is to car drive? I haven’t even scratched the surface of what I could do with this thing, I have a feeling.

        Bottom rung of one ladder is the top of another, right mate? It would have to be a perfect (or imperfect) storm.

      3. laurie27wsmith says:

        Kevlar would be good or one of those special forces phones that are shock proof. The batteries always die, a solar charger would be good. Had a watch that was solar powered. I only drive the tractor on the property, I have to stop the engine to chat, too noisy otherwise.
        The phones are clever indeed and I don’t think we ever use their full potential. Now that’s quite a good proverb Mate.

  8. stephrufa says:

    That photo is adorable! I love finding selfies my kids have taken on mine. At one point it was a competition between them so every couple of days I’d have a new one as my wallpaper. Ask your kids to figure out how to do that – tons of fun – and they are way faster at it than I am (and, I’m sorry, but probably faster than you, too!) Have a great weekend Eli!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Stephanie! You know, the kids gripe when we want to take their pictures, but give them a phone, and it’s “how many selfies can we get?” time.

      Good idea on the wallpaper contest. My girls know how to do that – so whenever one of them plays with my phone, I get a new wallpaper.

      They are WAY faster than me on this thing. The one time lately I felt my age: When, on the first day of having this phone, I had to ask a millennial co-worker how to “turn down this machine” when it rang.

      I felt more Baby Boomer than Generation X right then.

  9. tamaralikecamera says:

    Des got a hold of my phone the other day. I found some blurry self portraits from him.
    I loved them.
    Scarlet is much better with the camera but he has time. Genius takes time.
    I hope Rabia will share her Gorton’s with me.
    What happens if you put fish sticks in a ceiling fan?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      At least he didn’t call China. I predict those photos will never be deleted. He takes more selfies than his mom already.

      I think her very own camera would make an awesome birthday present for a little girl in your house.

      Rabia’s pretty generous. She might even let you use her sweet new cutting board. I saw Aundra Watkins gave away a trip to Charleston. This is kinda the same thing.

      I just tried the fish sticks in the ceiling fan, as requested. I shouldn’t have put tartar sauce on them first.

  10. You’ve got to hand it to your kids – they actually ASKED about the ceiling fan! My brother and I would have probably just DONE the experiment!

    There’s a lot of comments on your iPhone – and I think it’s great that you got one. A pic is worth 1,000 words and all. Although, APPLE – isn’t that too healthy for a meat lover’s pizza lover? Did you know that there are no cocktails handed out at the Genius Bar? That’s quite disappointing.
    Will you still write letters and put them into envelopes now that you’re a smart phone user?
    Oh, and I think you should do a selfie contest. All your readers’ kids’ can submit theirs?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’m glad they asked – and didn’t do. They say the most famous last words here in the south are “hey y’all – watch this!”

      I have to keep the girls off my iPhone – at least, from downloading all their crappy, battery-draining games. And I’m pretty versatile – I can do the meat lovers’ and also have a salad on occasion.

      It’s been so long since I’ve written a letter and sent it in the mail – but I think I can remember how! (Maybe I’ll have to see how on YouTube).

      Great idea on the selfie contest … watch for details on Monday’s post. Although, I have no prize to give. You think people will still play?

  11. ksbeth says:

    maybe if it was the healthier greek yogurt it would have survived ? i’m all in for the yardstick/fan challenge.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      also, if i’d put tons of granola on top, maybe … possibly … it’s no use to live in the past, is it?

      The yardstick/fan challenge … do you know how tempted I am to jut the damn thing up there right now and find out once and for all? If the day comes that I run out of post ideas … this will be my go-to.

      1. ksbeth says:

        and i totally understand that

  12. Droid lover here! I have been avoiding making the switch at work. Eventually it will catch up with me I’m sure. There is no way I’d do the yardstick/ceiling fan fight. I’d be too afraid of some sort of weird yard stick thing where it’s like you finally knock out Manny.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I was a broken-flip-phone tolerator for way too long! Is work making you switch? I can’t imagine going back to a broken screen again … I feel like I’ve been rescued.

      There are so many implications in the yardstick/ceiling fan challenge, and it’s probably why you can find anything in the universe online, but you cannot find a word about this challenge.

  13. Sandy Ramsey says:

    The yardstick challenge probably would not have ended well so I’m glad you stopped yourself. I love the ‘what’s that?’ for the flip phone! Lol! Reminds me of the day my daughter asked me what a pay phone was….

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Is it sick that I think, “I might get hurt, but imagine the post that day!” I’m keeping the flip phone for posterity’s sake. Unless the Smithsonian wants it.

      Did she ask you because of the Maroon 5 song?

  14. I have a good friend who was stung repeatedly and severely by a nest of hornets when she tried to take up tennis. That’s what exercise does, Eli. Next time, have the pizza. 🙂

    On any given day, my iPhone can be more important to me than (at least one of) my children. The “who” varies and is directly correlated to whoever is complaining more at that given moment.

    Thanks for linking up with KetchupWithUs, Eli. Always a pleasure. (I think I said that before.) (Did I?) (Well, it’s because it’s true.)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That’s a message from God, I feel. Ever notice the people in health-food stores often look grumpy, yet, when you walk out of a steakhouse, you’re smiling?

      I will have the pizza next time, Michele. Seize the slice!

      My iPhone and I are on a friends-with-benefits basis right now. I don’t want her to become as important to me as, say, my GPS (Shelley) or my car (Gabi).

      I do love this linkup, Michele. I need to get in there and check out some more posts. I’ve found blogs I love among those ranks, you know. Like, really love.

  15. Linda Roy says:

    I love my iPhone. Best thing evuh!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’m crushing hard on my iPhone, but I don’t want to fall in love. Got.to.stay.strong.

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