Go Ask Daddy About Ambiguous Parts, Unscented Toiletries and Girly Guns

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When the kids get ahold of your smartphone, only Jesus knows what can happen.

You might end up with a phone dropped on the floor at Home Depot (the phone’s OK.) You might get game apps that depict plumbers’ cracks. Most likely, you’ll wind up with 1700 selfies. Kids love selfies.

This generation is the first to point their cameras at themselves more than … well, anything else.

Look at your phone real quick – how many kid-inflicted selfies do you have?

Tamara of Confessions of a Part-time Working Mom suggested I hold a contest among readers for best kid selfie on your smartphone. So, here are the rules:

1. Send in one selfie your kids have taken on your smartphone

2. It must be there already; don’t stage one for this contest

(I have no way of knowing if you’ve staged it, but Jesus knows)

3. Email it to pachecoeli@yahoo.com. I’ll compile a collection of anonymous selfies for next week’s Go Ask Daddy post, with vote buttons and everything. The week after, I’ll announce a winner by popular vote.

This also gives me ample time to compile a prize package that defies logic and reasonable belief.

Send me those selfies!

The girls had a lot of gender-centric questions this time. Observe:

1. How do you tell if a fish is a boy or girl?

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Wait to see which bathroom they go in.

If your fish isn’t potty trained, there are other ways. You can’t really tell until a goldfish is 3 years old. Can you imagine? “Beautiful daughter you got there, Gill.” “Well, actually, we’re waiting for its third birthday to determine what set of genitals it might have!”

In other breeds, look for typical male behavior: Aggressiveness, bumping into other fish, and other boorish behavior. Also, in nature, males tend to be more fanciful and colorful. The whole red cardinal/green-headed drake phenomenon.

Or, you could take the Crocodile Dundee Sheila approach.

2. Isn’t the Tooth Fairy a girl?

I think she looks just like Ingrid Michaelson in glasses and a Rockies jersey.

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Wrong fantasy. In Obama’s America, there should be male and female tooth faeries, of every color, creed and race. I maintain that the Tooth Fairy is a she.

I’ll defer all questions to The Real Tooth Fairies website. Yes, there’s such a thing. Apparently, there’s a small legion of cross-cultural fairies on the team. I learned, for instance, that some fairies have boyfriends. And they stand about a foot tall. Oh, and that humans need not try to enlist in this army. It’s all fairies, all the time. It’s kind of exclusive.

I don’t think they keep records as dutifully as say, Santa Claus. Let’s hope not. Grace once asked her to cough up more dough for her teeth.

Inflation being what it is and all.

3. Is there such a thing as unscented shampoo?

Nah. That’s just a fairy tale.

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Actually, a company called Abba makes a fragrance-free line. Because you don’t always need to smell like Tropical Forest of Vanillicious Vanilla after you take a shower. (This gem on the left, though, probably graced the bathroom shelves in the swingin’ apartment on Three’s Company.)

Those of us allergic to anything that doesn’t smell like a grill will appreciate any line that goes easy on the fragrance. Abba even has hairspray and conditioner that is fragrance-free. I also have not used conditioner or hair spray since Jack Tripper was a thing.

Now I just had another great idea.

What about a shampoo line for men who like the smell of the grill? Instead of roses and lilies, what if the ladies in our life suds it up with flavors such as Meat Lover’s Delight or Shrimp on the Barbie?

What if shampoo makers gave us what we really want? Cajun Spice, Backyard Burger, Suddenly Salmon … anyone else hungry?

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4. Is a cat’s nose supposed to be dry or wet?

In Obama’s America …

A cat’s nose is like the sands of time, in constant transition. Warm and wet, to cold and dry, to warm and dry, and back to cold and wet. You never know what you’ll get. Many factors impact the wetness and relative temperature of a cat’s schnoz.

Did she get stuck in a room with poor air circulation? Has he lounged 17 consecutive hours in a beam of sunlight? These are all factors that could impact a feline nose faster than you can yell “somebody change the litter box!”

5. Do they make pink guns for girls?

You bet your gender-identifying fish parts they do.

In Obama’s America, girls play with trucks and boys wear tutus. But take a look on the toy aisle and you’ll see a great divide: Camo for boys, pink for girls.

This doesn’t mean the toys are so divided, though. The Disney Princess days even you girls knew 5 years ago are over. Girl toys today have a touch of Katniss Everdeen – and her sisters Tris (of Divergent fame) and even a little of the Black Widow from the Avengers.

As a result, girls get the rough-and-tumble playtime weaponry that boys do – with a flare for the gender-stereotype dramatic. But, it doesn’t always work. Because what if the boy wants the pink Nerf gun, and the girl wants the camo super soaker?

Maybe they could just play like boy fish and girl fish. And it wouldn’t matter.