Go Ask Daddy About Ambiguous Parts, Unscented Toiletries and Girly Guns


photo credit: I_am_Allan via photopin cc
photo credit: I_am_Allan via photopin cc

When the kids get ahold of your smartphone, only Jesus knows what can happen.

selfie1You might end up with a phone dropped on the floor at Home Depot (the phone’s OK.) You might get game apps that depict plumbers’ cracks. Most likely, you’ll wind up with 1700 selfies. Kids love selfies.

This generation is the first to point their cameras at themselves more than … well, anything else.

Look at your phone real quick – how many kid-inflicted selfies do you have?

selfie2Tamara of Confessions of a Part-time Working Mom suggested I hold a contest among readers for best kid selfie on your smartphone. So, here are the rules:

1. Send in one selfie your kids have taken on your smartphone

2. It must be there already; don’t stage one for this contest

selfie3(I have no way of knowing if you’ve staged it, but Jesus knows)

3. Email it to pachecoeli@yahoo.com. I’ll compile a collection of anonymous selfies for next week’s Go Ask Daddy post, with vote buttons and everything. The week after, I’ll announce a winner by popular vote.

This also gives me ample time to compile a prize package that defies logic and reasonable belief.

Send me those selfies!

The girls had a lot of gender-centric questions this time. Observe:

1. How do you tell if a fish is a boy or girl?

photo credit: Jeff Kubina via photopin cc
photo credit: Jeff Kubina via photopin cc

Wait to see which bathroom they go in.

If your fish isn’t potty trained, there are other ways. You can’t really tell until a goldfish is 3 years old. Can you imagine? “Beautiful daughter you got there, Gill.” “Well, actually, we’re waiting for its third birthday to determine what set of genitals it might have!”

In other breeds, look for typical male behavior: Aggressiveness, bumping into other fish, and other boorish behavior. Also, in nature, males tend to be more fanciful and colorful. The whole red cardinal/green-headed drake phenomenon.

Or, you could take the Crocodile Dundee Sheila approach.

2. Isn’t the Tooth Fairy a girl?

I think she looks just like Ingrid Michaelson in glasses and a Rockies jersey.

photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc
photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc

Wrong fantasy. In Obama’s America, there should be male and female tooth faeries, of every color, creed and race. I maintain that the Tooth Fairy is a she.

I’ll defer all questions to The Real Tooth Fairies website. Yes, there’s such a thing. Apparently, there’s a small legion of cross-cultural fairies on the team. I learned, for instance, that some fairies have boyfriends. And they stand about a foot tall. Oh, and that humans need not try to enlist in this army. It’s all fairies, all the time. It’s kind of exclusive.

I don’t think they keep records as dutifully as say, Santa Claus. Let’s hope not. Grace once asked her to cough up more dough for her teeth.

Inflation being what it is and all.

3. Is there such a thing as unscented shampoo?

Nah. That’s just a fairy tale.

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc
photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

Actually, a company called Abba makes a fragrance-free line. Because you don’t always need to smell like Tropical Forest of Vanillicious Vanilla after you take a shower. (This gem on the left, though, probably graced the bathroom shelves in the swingin’ apartment on Three’s Company.)

Those of us allergic to anything that doesn’t smell like a grill will appreciate any line that goes easy on the fragrance. Abba even has hairspray and conditioner that is fragrance-free. I also have not used conditioner or hair spray since Jack Tripper was a thing.

Now I just had another great idea.

What about a shampoo line for men who like the smell of the grill? Instead of roses and lilies, what if the ladies in our life suds it up with flavors such as Meat Lover’s Delight or Shrimp on the Barbie?

What if shampoo makers gave us what we really want? Cajun Spice, Backyard Burger, Suddenly Salmon … anyone else hungry?

photo credit: eye of einstein via photopin cc
photo credit: eye of einstein via photopin cc

4. Is a cat’s nose supposed to be dry or wet?

In Obama’s America …

A cat’s nose is like the sands of time, in constant transition. Warm and wet, to cold and dry, to warm and dry, and back to cold and wet. You never know what you’ll get. Many factors impact the wetness and relative temperature of a cat’s schnoz.

Did she get stuck in a room with poor air circulation? Has he lounged 17 consecutive hours in a beam of sunlight? These are all factors that could impact a feline nose faster than you can yell “somebody change the litter box!”

5. Do they make pink guns for girls?

pink gunsYou bet your gender-identifying fish parts they do.

In Obama’s America, girls play with trucks and boys wear tutus. But take a look on the toy aisle and you’ll see a great divide: Camo for boys, pink for girls.

This doesn’t mean the toys are so divided, though. The Disney Princess days even you girls knew 5 years ago are over. Girl toys today have a touch of Katniss Everdeen – and her sisters Tris (of Divergent fame) and even a little of the Black Widow from the Avengers.

As a result, girls get the rough-and-tumble playtime weaponry that boys do – with a flare for the gender-stereotype dramatic. But, it doesn’t always work. Because what if the boy wants the pink Nerf gun, and the girl wants the camo super soaker?

Maybe they could just play like boy fish and girl fish. And it wouldn’t matter.pink quote

 

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42 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Ambiguous Parts, Unscented Toiletries and Girly Guns”

  1. I need to check out that tooth fairy website, my daughter just “flicked” a stubborn tooth out tonight. It was as gross and hilarious as you would think. I want to give her $10 just for the entertainment.

    1. That’s hardcore, Stephanie. These are times I wish you had a vlog, you know? I needed cash for a Star Wars figure once, and brought a molar from hardly loose to out in a bloody scene in two hours to get it. I was a kid then. I should mention that.

  2. Totally have too many selfies of my girls that I lost count now. Might need to see if any are worthy of your contest. And by the way, inflation really has taken hold in the tooth fairy’s case, because back int he day, I was lucky to get a quarter, my niece recently got $10 for a tooth. Crazy, but true!!

    1. Don’t they bog down your phone at some point? I hope you do find one to submit, JH.

      I find that the Tooth Fairy is more generous in nicer neighborhoods. I’ll just tell my kids she’s afraid to carry much cash in our neighborhood at night.

  3. True story – not a single selfie of my boys on my phone (except the couple that I forced Hunter to take with me)!! Maybe they take them on their own phones but I’m guessing it is just the fact that they are teenage boys.
    And, I told my husband that if I join him and the boys for shooting, I will need my own gun – pink AND blinged to the max!!! (but I would rather have new running stuff, purses, jewelry – just about anything else!!)

    1. Isn’t there a term for a forced selfie? I think teen boys probably do less of the selfie thing.

      I think the compromise would be to get you a pink camo nerf gun and matching running shirt.

  4. My phone is not only full of niece selfies, but also videos they have taken. Ninja videos, dancing videos, random interviews… It’s high-entertainment for all of us.

    I have, however, banned the use of my phone for selfies that involve any form of the “duck face”. I hate that face. I’m hoping I’m still alive in 40 years when all those kids start getting the odd wrinkling around their mouths from making it so much.

    1. Niece selfies are eligible for this contest, Cheryl. A ninja video just might bring the house down.

      I think the duck face is incrementally less acceptable as the selfie-taker ages. The 6-year-old duck-face selfie could even be considered cute; when you’re 36, though …

  5. We live in prime NRA country but maintain a strict no-gun policy in our house, pink or black, old school or assault rifle. I want my girls to grow up balancing feminine with fierce, fiesty with fabulous. As long as violence doesn’t come into play, I’m a happy mama!

    1. We have the Nerf guns, which makes everything A-OK, you know. I think it’s easier to let the girls be fierce than it is to let the boys explore the fabulous.

      We reserve most of our violence for pizza buffets and the soccer pitch.

  6. Des has actually taken some great selfies! And…great moose shirt here!
    The Tooth Fairy website scared me. Can we choose which one comes to our house? If so, I have a few ideas. The website looks like one I made in 1997, though. Remember websites from 1997?

    1. You need to send one, T-Bow. I knew you’d appreciate Grace’s moose.

      That does look pretty retro, doesn’t it? I had no idea it was so frilly and stuffy. I envisioned the tooth fairy maybe looking like Kirsten Dunst.

      Websites from 1997 rocked. Some of them were open 24 hours, seven days a week, even.

  7. I’m curious about the “prize package” for my staged, I mean, authentic photography. Enjoyed reading this. Kids, I love the questions they ask. My boys make me scratch my head often.

    1. Drile – good to see you! The prize package is, er, yet to be determined, but I have a couple of items that will likely go in. It’ll be … unique.

      You should take on Go Ask Daddy sometime. Do you still write?

  8. Oh, I thought the price for the best duck face selfie was a slurpee! Why else would you link up that story?
    In my book, fairies, elfs and even angels are girls, but the Bible and impressionists disagree. Can you imagine my surprise at Musée d’Orsay when I saw a painting with sweet little angels – and they all came equipped with boys’ accessories?
    Colin’s girlfriend likes to play with cars (I guess that’s why she’s his girlfriend). When I asked her if any of her Kindergarten friends would be in her 1st grade class she said “two girls, but they’re not close friends. The like to wear PINK, you know!”

    1. It’s not the same in America, I think, with duck-face selfies.

      We do need boy fairies, I suppose, to continue the race. I try and not think about fairy copulation much.

      Who knew the color pink could be so derisive?

  9. Can’t help you with the selfies Mate, no kids here. I’m sure you don’t want old bloke selfies, might damage your viewers. Tooth fairy? I got bugger all except thruppence for my first tooth and that was it. At that rate with the ones that are now missing I’d have made hmm, three shillings or so. About 33 cents. Interesting about pink for girls. Up until the late 1800’s boys wore pink and girls wore blue. The garments for boys would have been red, a manly colour and with washing thy went pink. Irrespective of this I won’t wear pink, or shoot a pink gun. Can you imagine special forces going off to war, all carrying pink super soakers?

    1. Old-bloke selfies are another matter, and matter that I choose not to partake in, for the good of mankind. Tooth fairy seems a bit elitist, like, maybe she outsources to the poor neighborhoods, mate.

      33 cents is enough for a bag of chips at the local store, so don’t discount what you’re owed.

      Interesting about the pink. For the first time last season, I had a team in pink kits. It worked well for Breast Cancer Awareness month, but the rest of the year?

      Didn’t you have a friend who painted a tank? It wasn’t pink, was it?

      1. Yeah it wouldn’t be a good look, old, toothless bloke flashing his gums taking close up selfies. *shudders* Yeah I think the tooth fairy outsourced to Scrooge McDuck. Our rugby league referees wear pink scrip for the games. makes them easier to see. Ah, the pink armoured personnel carrier. It was painted by two drunken infantry officers. At least it would be camouflaged amongst a group of rugby referees.

  10. Haha. LOL to 1700 selfies! I’d be scared to death if that time comes but I think it won’t ever.. or maybe it will but not that much selfies. I have a boy so the probability of 1700 selfies is scarce. And I myself don’t take selfies as they make me uncomfortable. LOL, seriously now, how can you tell a girl fish from a boy fish?!

    1. Boys don’t do the selfies as much, but I think teens today have less defined gender boundaries than we did, too. Elise and her friends often complain about the boys in their gym class – just stay out of the way and let the girls show you how to play!

      Grown-ups and selfies should have written consent from the Better Business Bureau and FDA.

      If we’re confused about the whole girl fish/boy fish issue, how do you think the swingin’ single mackerel feels on a Saturday night?

  11. I don’t let my kids touch my phone. honestly, they are all 3 noise with dirt on it. but my son does some with his friends on is iPod. I can only imagine….. pretty sure that butt crack thing would surface. I don’t look.
    We have 3 goldfish and I have no idea what sex they are…??? Should I throw a Lego minifigure Skywalker and a Princess Leia in the tank and see which they go for? 🙂

    1. Kind of a smart policy, Rore. I’m noise with dirt, so I probably wreak as much havoc. Boys and selfies can go a very different direction.

      The butt crack game sent me a reminder that they miss me today. It didn’t even make me feel wanted.

      Well, you never know which way a goldfish is gonna swing, that’s the thing …

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