Go Ask Daddy About Ad Wars, Skis That Soar and Felony Lore


pantsI think I have a solution.

It’s not to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It’s not going to unite the Hatfields and McKoys. It’s not even good enough to allow Avalanche and red wings fans to eat calamari together.

But, I think I can rid the world of saggy pants.

You’ve seen it. Young folk with their pants down below their butt cheeks. It’s an act of defiance and a statement to society at large.

It’s, cool. They think.

And what’s the quickest way to make something NOT cool? For dads to start wearing it. It’ll be an ugly affair if 40-somethings share the sag. We’ll show off our tighty-whiteys and silky soccer-ball boxers.

Hey, dads killed off acid-washed jeans, Starter jackets and Tony Hawk wear. We got this.

Before that, we have more important matters to attend to. Such as kids’ questions. And to declare a winner in the Inaugural Coach Daddy Kid Selfie Cup.

(See the winner at the end of this post).

As for them kids’ questions …

1. Does Amazon need Apple’s permission to use the iPad in advertising?

Just as I don’t need Hanes’ permission to sag my jeans, Amazon is free to run comparative advertising with it’s rival, Apple. As with me and my trousers, they do so at their own risk.

The Federal Trade Commission allows for you to compare your product to your competitor. But it’s risky business. Even if you’re truthful, you could face litigation if your competitor takes you to court. Sometimes, a brand will run ads until murmurs of lawsuits rise, and then drop them.

By then, the ads have done their damage.

Not unlike dads in saggy pants to mall goers everywhere.

2. What is a stroke?

photo credit: Mikey G Ottawa via photopin cc
photo credit: Mikey G Ottawa via photopin cc

I’m not even going to play around with this answer.

A stroke happens when a clot prevents blood from reaching part of the brain. Brain cells die, and memory, movement and speech can become impaired. The stroke location determines how much brain damage occurs.

Sometimes, you recover from a stroke, according to the National Stroke Association. But about 2/3 of stroke victims have some sort of disability.

I found this document on the Association website.

3. Are ski jumping skis different from regular skis?

photo credit: ~Darin~ via photopin cc
photo credit: ~Darin~ via photopin cc

More different than an iPad is from a Kindle.

They make jumping skis especially for that sport. By rule, your jumping skis can be 146% of your total body height. That means mine could be more than 8 feet long! But there also weight restrictions.

So dad’s best bet is freestyle. Meaning, if the skiing is free, that’s his style.

Long-time Coach Daddy fan Julia Mancuso is also an Olympic gold medalist. When she’s not on this blog, JM rips it up in Alpine on skis not as wide or as long as jumping skis. She’s good. Real good.

photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc
photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc

4. What is Star Trek?

Star Trek is what uninformed parents and relatives confused with Star Wars when I was a kid.

No ill will to Trekkies – which is what Star Trek fans call themselves – but there’s a huge difference. Like Avalanche-red wings difference. In Star Trek, Captain Kirk leads a crew of 430 on the U.S.S. Enterprise to “boldly go where no man has gone before.”

With Spock, Bones (not Temperance Brennan, no) and Scotty, Captain Kirk explores dangerous worlds. And interstellar love. He was quite the space player.

On Star Wars? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Except for Han Solo and Princess Leia. Star Trek isn’t as cool as Star Wars, but it’s cooler than Battlestar Galactica.

5. Can you get arrested for stealing a penny?

pennyLet’s go to Texas for this one. Not even Captain Kirk will go there.

Texas Penal Code 31.03 says theft of property of less than $20,000 made of aluminum, bronze, copper or brass is a felony. The U.S. mint has always made pennies of an amalgamation of copper, bronze or brass.

So if you’re taking in a Cowboys game, or in the bleachers to see the Rangers play, be careful. See a penny, pick it up?

Careful, ’cause they’ll lock you up.

# # #

Congratulations, Selfie No. 4! You’re the grand-prize winner. 

I’ll contact your mama about the mystery prize package.

selfie4

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61 Comments Add yours

  1. Love the Leggo men with their pants down. Definitely not as ridiculous as the current fashion though. It’s not as prevalent here thank goodness but when you see them, I can’t help but smirk just a little. Always liked Star Wars as a lad and Lt Uhuru, big sigh. Kirk boldly went where no man had gone before, ahem. It’s a wonder they don’t hang you in Texas for stealing a penny.
    Great post Mate.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You’re going to join us in the fight, right mate?

      1. The fight against baggy pants, aka in prison as, *I’m available.* A definite yes to that one

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        We should tell the kids that, mate.

      3. We’re over thirty Mate, we don’t know what we’re talking about apparently.

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        Which is precisely why we need to pull our trousers down, mate. Well, you know what I mean. Only in the back. The front gets you jail time. And a spot on the news.

      5. Pulling em down at the front on a cold day will get you a search and rescue team coming in.
        The only thing about that fashion is they can’t run too fast like that. You’re right though, older blokes need to band together, drop their pants and scare these young blokes back onto the right track.

      6. Eli Pacheco says:

        I’m starting this tomorrow, mate. Ain’t no stopping us now.

      7. I’ll scare the kangaroos with my fashion display Mate.

  2. ksbeth says:

    and one day, avs and wings folks will sit around and chat and share a huge platter of fried delights…….but, until then, i love captain kirk and thank you to all of the dads out there who have managed to kill many less than magnificent fashion trends )

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I should get William Shatner in on the baggy pants movement.

  3. Holly says:

    Please do make saggy pants go extinct. Such a strange & unappealing trend that is lingering too long! My nephews are skilled at it. Congrats to the selfie champ!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Same time, next year for the selfie Cup II. Automatically kids with saggy pants will be disqualified. No one wants to see your diaper.

      1. Holly says:

        Great rule! Quality entrants only… The kind who can wear pants the way they were made to be worn!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        By then we’ll have vanquished the trend, right?

      3. Holly says:

        Oh yeah… Good point!

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        Do you even have this problem where you live?

      5. Holly says:

        Low riding is a worldwide issue!

  4. I beg o you to find a way to end saggy pants, because they became popular a few years after I was out of high school and seriously dreading that one of my girls someday will bring home a boy wearing them. So for the love of god you have my undying love (well you had already, but still) and put it end to this trend!! 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’ll be knighted, maybe.

  5. Shannon M says:

    We are honored to have won such a prestigious award! I can’t imagine what his future holds!!! Maybe he will work for Apple!!
    Thanks!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Or maybe he’ll become a ski jumper! Congrats. It was an epic battle!

  6. Geez, careful in Texas, they will shoot you for all kinds of things!
    Star Wars, Star Trekk, the only Stars that matter to me are Dallas Stars – not. You know it’s Starbucks, hahaha!
    Looks like there is quite a lot of Apple talk going on at your house. Is that because you’re one of the cool kids now?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Deepinthehearta …

      Fourbucks would be your star of choice, wouldn’t it? Certainly not the Dallas Stars, for me, as an Avs fan. There’s plenty of hate to go around when it comes to hockey.

      I don’t know about all this Apple talk … my sister just called me an iPhone drone. I told her that she and the other 17 people with Windows phones can hang out.

  7. Cheryl says:

    You must have the best conversations with your girls. I would love to be a fly on the wall for some of these just to see your expressions and reactions when they’re asked.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      They’re classic. But some of the language … they’re trying to stop.

  8. Kim says:

    Well, that explains why I saw a 60ish year old man with his pants sagging mid-way down his butt the other day at the grocery store – he’s just trying to make a point!!! (It was a point I could have done without seeing – just saying!!!)

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      He might have just forgotten his suspenders. We old guys do that sometimes.

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    LOL Red Wings = Star Wars. Avs = Star Trek…j/k…kind of…maybe.

    Your solution to saggy pants rocks…

    Calamari is yum.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That’s sick. You mean wings = battlestar galactica.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        Lol, I almost went there in my original comment, but I wanted to play a little nice…my mistake. BTW…in your response, you spelled Avs wrong. A-v-s. ;0)

  10. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I am equally in love with and well-versed in Star Wars and Star Trek. I just have more to do with SW because that is what my kid prefers.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I never knew you people existed. Here I was thinking there was one or the other. Never both. I always felt Star Wars was for the cool kids, but I liked it anyway.

      1. NotAPunkRocker says:

        You weren’t a cool kid? How…cool!

        The fact I follow both of these should show you how awesome a geek I am.

        I mean, was.

        (Fine…Am.)

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I distinctly remember a ‘cool kid’ telling me, “if you didn’t hang out with those dorks you hang out with, you could be one of the most popular guys in school.”

        I also remember knowing this, and still taking those kids home that day. And the next. Who needs to be popular when you have friends who want to hang out with you?

        You’re right. You are awesome.

  11. tamaralikecamera says:

    It’s true – I know people who love Star Trek AND Star Wars. I also know a person who loves the Red Sox and the Yankees. This is not a drill. This is real life.
    I remember sagging pants from my youth but I didn’t know it had come back around. Better tell Des because his pants have been known to sag and show everyone his size 4 Target diapers.
    Which wouldn’t be so bad but I live in Judgy, Cloth Diaper County.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      The Today Show or Jimmy Fallon needs to do a special on those who love those polar opposites. Or maybe Maury Povich should do it. Or Jenny Jones. Remember her?

      Des is going to be the bad boy in the neighborhood all the girls want to run off with, if he keeps this up. Floppy hair, flirty smile, saggy jeans … every girl’s dream, every dad’s nightmare. Little heartbreaker.

  12. TP Hogan says:

    I think the ‘saggy-pants’ solution could work.
    I say a guy the other day wearing a tiny t-shirt, showing his belly and itty-bitty denim shorts. The back of his shirt said “I told my daughter that if she wore this, so would I.”
    That is one great Dad right there. I doubt ‘daughter’ will wear the outfit again.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      If my kids dressed like that? I’d do that. I’d SO do that.

  13. Lauren says:

    In Montgomery, Alabama, there is a ban on saggy pants. True story. http://blog.al.com/wire/2012/02/alabama_house_passes_saggy_pan.html

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Montgomery is a progressive haven for American ideals! (Plus, their baseball team is called the Biscuits. I can’t make this stuff up!) That hat is going on my birthday wish list …

  14. Rosey says:

    Hmm…I noticed you didn’t capitalize Red Wings, that should be a felony (says the girl in Detroit), wooooooooot! 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      haha … red wings, dodgers, raiders and lakers will never see capitalization on this blog, Rosey. I’m contemplating editing your comment to comply.

  15. MeglyMc says:

    I think we go DEFCON 5, and have the dads wear jockstraps and thongs. WE WILL WIN!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That seems like an uncomfortable way to the winner’s circle, Meg. *shifts in his chair*

      1. MeglyMc says:

        Welcome to our world…

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        No thanks – and keep the eye shadow, high heels and Midol.

  16. Sandy Ramsey says:

    What is Star Trek?? That’s almost as awful as the time my kids asked what a payphone was! That reminds me….I need to color my roots.
    If you would be willing to take one for the team and make moves toward ridding the world of saggy britches, you could win the Nobel Peace Prize
    Just sayin’.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That doesn’t make us old does it, Sandy? They don’t know what a cassette tape is, either.

      Wow, a Nobel Peace Prize? I could barely manage “editor of the week” before VOTY. I need to aim high by pushing my britches low, Sandy. I’ll be a sacrifice like Bruce Willis in that meteor movie. Kind of.

  17. Stephanie says:

    The red wings in lower case is totally cracking me up. And you are right, strokes are no laughing matter, scary stuff.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Teams I hate lose the right of capitalization in my twisted kingdom, Stephanie!

  18. katiezeller says:

    We regularly skipped class t watch Star Trek reruns in college. As to the saggy pants movement…. Try to be done by fall, will you please. That’s when my next trip across the pond is scheduled…. ;-))

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      That’s the idea, Katie – there’s something to be said of an education from Captain Kirk and Yoda. We’ll do our best to get our American belt line up to acceptable standards. Do they do that on that side of the pond, too?

  19. roxisbrilliant says:

    Can mamas help ban saggy pants?

    Except then I’d have to wear them. Bad idea. Nevermind.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Yes, mamas can join the movement. That means you. If I can do this, so can you. I will be more likely than you to receive a county-issued citation for it.

  20. First of all, please don’t start this movement. Did you hear about the Dad in UT that wore short shorts to prove a point to his daughter? NOT pretty: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/12/scott-mackintosh-dad-short-shorts_n_3912940.html

    Star Trek. Bleh. We’re Star Wars all the way over here. I mean, how could you not be?

    And, since I’m a Texan, all I have to say is that state is crazy. Although I love it.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You have to consider the big picture here, Meredith. What can a little retinal damage from seeing dads like us this way mean for mankind as a whole?

      I am aware of that man’s mission. It’s with determination and a lack of decency that I soldier on.

      Yes, to Star Wars. It’s not even close. It’s like, stale bread vs. a glazed doughnut.

      I forgot about the shot I took at Texas! I take shots all over the place. I had Baltimore in my sights today, California earlier in the week … I make my way around.

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