What if …
We had to deal with that plenty on Wednesday. What if the U.S. men’s soccer team loses to Germany? What if Ghana win by five? What if someone fouls Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair? Is that worthy of a yellow card? What if I forget to wear red, white and blue on game day?
What if I had a TV screen the size of Uganda, maybe, and a barbecue chicken thigh and a fistful of hummus and a tall cup of Diet Coke during that World Cup match?
Well, that sounds kind of excellent, doesn’t it? And for 70 minutes of the match, it was. About 80 of us rooted for the same team and hated the Germans for a day together, some of us in Team USA soccer shirts and one guy with Old Glory draped over his shoulders.
One awesome co-worker had postponeed an afternoon meeting because …
So when Germany finally broke through and took a 1-0 lead and we started to worry about what Ghana and Portugal did in their match, I had to text Elise, who couldn’t watch the biggest game in U.S. soccer history – since she was born, maybe.
She watched the game on an app she found. “It’s pretty cool and they have pretty intense commentary,” she said by text. My kid watched this match on a second-hand beat up iPhone.
Suddenly my spot at this king’s table with a TV the size of Ecuador, between a cool and ripped hipster and a young woman with a pretty smile who would have liked a little more pressure from the US forwards, thank you, felt like too much.
So I left my spot and went back to my desk. And I called up that app, which Elise had installed on my nice second-hand iPhone. And I watched the rest of the match. With her. And our app.
And I got to break the good news to her that America made it to the next round, anyway. And as you can see here … she shares her dad’s loyalty to team and country. Even at the expense of her heritage:
1. What if you lose a tooth on Christmas Eve?
It’s a union of epic lore. Like Superstorm Sandy, or maybe the “tornado meets a volcano” the modern philosopher Eminem once penned.
Blogger Michael Sheehan, he of the High Tech Dad blog, warns us to put off the tooth until Dec. 25. Keep the fairy out of St. Nick’s path, lest you stamp out innocence on one magical night. Children’s book author Karen Vanek chronicled one girl’s experience with that cosmic convergence.
I say, leave it up to the universe to sort it all out. Kris Kringle delivers once a year, and the Tooth Fairy’s on call 365 days a year. (She must not be unionized.)
2. How do they transport tropical fish?
They come a long way … further in some cases than all those American fans at the World Cup.
It’s funny – I stressed on the 30-minute car ride from Pet Smart with a bag of three 28-cent goldfish. Expensive tropical fish travel through customs every day. They’re double bagged, sealed with metal clasps, and packed into Styrofoam boxes. The fish get fresh water and new bags in the U.S.
Some even end up on the lap of a dad on I-485 who drives like he’s balancing eggs on end on the hood of his car all the way home.
3. How many wheels does a limo have?
I was surprised by this – only four.
Even stretch limousines have four wheels. Whether it’s a little Cuban Lada limo or an American stretch, there’s never a reason for more. Unless there’s a hot tub in the back. Then you’ll need a double axle. I took limos everywhere in Nashville a few years ago. No hot tubs.
But they had little cans of soda and snacks everywhere. To me, that’s kind of better than a hot tub.
4. If a goalkeeper gets knocked into the goal, is it a goal?
There should be no knocking of the goalkeeper in football.
Let’s say Hope Solo makes a remarkable save 2 yards in front of the end line. Russian forward Elena Danilova gives her a Cold War shove and sends my lady barreling into the goal. The call should be to award the U.S. a penalty kick from the 6-yard box. You don’t shove Hope Solo. I mean, the keeper.
But what if Elena Danilova craftily shoves American defender Christie Rampone into Hope Solo, which sends Hope Solo into the goal?
That would be a call at the referee’s discretion. I give a goldfish a better chance to survive in rush-hour traffic than the right call to be made there.
5. Does the sun move on an axis?
It does, although it seems wasteful. It’s always daytime on the sun.
It takes the sun about 25 days to make a full spin. If you could see them without your retinas melting, you’d see sunspots move across the sun’s face, like Mississippi and Algeria do on Earth. Our sun also orbits the galaxy as it spins, making its way around once every 226 million years, or so.
You know, about the same time it takes for me to not hate Germany and Ghana and Portugal any more. Belgium, you’re next.