Go Ask Daddy About Cosmic Convergence, Luxury Excursions and Solar Emergence

photo credit: Cellblog1138 via photopin cc
photo credit: Cellblog1138 via photopin cc

What if …

We had to deal with that plenty on Wednesday. What if the U.S. men’s soccer team loses to Germany? What if Ghana win by five? What if someone fouls Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair? Is that worthy of a yellow card? What if I forget to wear red, white and blue on game day?

What if I had a TV screen the size of Uganda, maybe, and a barbecue chicken thigh and a fistful of hummus and a tall cup of Diet Coke during that World Cup match?

Well, that sounds kind of excellent, doesn’t it? And for 70 minutes of the match, it was. About 80 of us rooted for the same team and hated the Germans for a day together, some of us in Team USA soccer shirts and one guy with Old Glory draped over his shoulders.

One awesome co-worker had postponeed an afternoon meeting because …


So when Germany finally broke through and took a 1-0 lead and we started to worry about what Ghana and Portugal did in their match, I had to text Elise, who couldn’t watch the biggest game in U.S. soccer history – since she was born, maybe.

She watched the game on an app she found. “It’s pretty cool and they have pretty intense commentary,” she said by text. My kid watched this match on a second-hand beat up iPhone.

Suddenly my spot at this king’s table with a TV the size of Ecuador, between a cool and ripped hipster and a young woman with a pretty smile who would have liked a little more pressure from the US forwards, thank you, felt like too much.

So I left my spot and went back to my desk. And I called up that app, which Elise had installed on my nice second-hand iPhone. And I watched the rest of the match. With her. And our app.

And I got to break the good news to her that America made it to the next round, anyway. And as you can see here … she shares her dad’s loyalty to team and country. Even at the expense of her heritage:


1. What if you lose a tooth on Christmas Eve?

photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc
photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc

It’s a union of epic lore. Like Superstorm Sandy, or maybe the “tornado meets a volcano” the modern philosopher Eminem once penned.

Blogger Michael Sheehan, he of the High Tech Dad blog, warns us to put off the tooth until Dec. 25. Keep the fairy out of St. Nick’s path, lest you stamp out innocence on one magical night. Children’s book author Karen Vanek chronicled one girl’s experience with that cosmic convergence.

I say, leave it up to the universe to sort it all out. Kris Kringle delivers once a year, and the Tooth Fairy’s on call 365 days a year. (She must not be unionized.)

2. How do they transport tropical fish?

photo credit: suzukichick via photopin cc
photo credit: suzukichick via photopin cc

They come a long way … further in some cases than all those American fans at the World Cup.

It’s funny – I stressed on the 30-minute car ride from Pet Smart with a bag of three 28-cent goldfish. Expensive tropical fish travel through customs every day. They’re double bagged, sealed with metal clasps, and packed into Styrofoam boxes. The fish get fresh water and new bags in the U.S.

Some even end up on the lap of a dad on I-485 who drives like he’s balancing eggs on end on the hood of his car all the way home.

3. How many wheels does a limo have?

photo credit: purplemattfish via photopin cc
photo credit: purplemattfish via photopin cc

I was surprised by this – only four.

Even stretch limousines have four wheels. Whether it’s a little Cuban Lada limo or an American stretch, there’s never a reason for more. Unless there’s a hot tub in the back. Then you’ll need a double axle. I took limos everywhere in Nashville a few years ago. No hot tubs.

But they had little cans of soda and snacks everywhere. To me, that’s kind of better than a hot tub.

4. If a goalkeeper gets knocked into the goal, is it a goal?

photo credit: Gordon Marino via photopin cc
photo credit: Gordon Marino via photopin cc

There should be no knocking of the goalkeeper in football.

Let’s say Hope Solo makes a remarkable save 2 yards in front of the end line. Russian forward Elena Danilova gives her a Cold War shove and sends my lady barreling into the goal. The call should be to award the U.S. a penalty kick from the 6-yard box. You don’t shove Hope Solo. I mean, the keeper.

But what if Elena Danilova craftily shoves American defender Christie Rampone into Hope Solo, which sends Hope Solo into the goal?

That would be a call at the referee’s discretion. I give a goldfish a better chance to survive in rush-hour traffic than the right call to be made there.

5. Does the sun move on an axis?

photo credit: Eduardo Amorim via photopin cc
photo credit: Eduardo Amorim via photopin cc

It does, although it seems wasteful. It’s always daytime on the sun.

It takes the sun about 25 days to make a full spin. If you could see them without your retinas melting, you’d see sunspots move across the sun’s face, like Mississippi and Algeria do on Earth. Our sun also orbits the galaxy as it spins, making its way around once every 226 million years, or so.

You know, about the same time it takes for me to not hate Germany and Ghana and Portugal any more. Belgium, you’re next.

world cup quote


      1. That would have been awesome! 😀 As a kid… I probably would have wanted more books, haha.

      2. I wish I had a picture of it … and maybe I do … Grace once left a letter for the Tooth Fairy asking for a pay hike. And rather gruffly too, I might add.

        Books seem like a reasonable request, E.

  1. Good choice to watch the game with your daughter!
    When I picked up C from daycare the other day, one of the ladies asked me why C felt so strongly about soccer. “What do you mean?” “He said he hopes that the U.S. win because he can’t stand Germany. Mom and Dad don’t either. You know, one of our caregivers is German!” Oohps.
    A hot tub limo ride in Nashville sounds smashing 🙂

    1. My heart pulled me that way. Is there any other way to feel about football? I love that my girls take it to heart, and there’s lessons in loyalty, but also probably a twinge of animosity, but if we think the kids will never experience that, we’re fooling ourselves.

      Oohps nothing. I think it’s OK if you can’t stand Germany for a while. I did. I’m over it. Now, I can’t stand Belgium. And the seattle seahawks. And well, you know, the list is long. Because the opposite of love is hate, but when love’s first, hate can pass as a temporary state of not standing your soccer team or baseball team.

      I don’t know Tamara – lots of times, they had M&Ms in those limos. M&Ms!

  2. A great mix this week Mate. I played real soccer… once. You’d think that two teams of prison officers playing against each other would be more gentlemanly. Not so. As a kid I used to play left, right out. Now I played midfield and glory be the ball landed at my feet. Before I had a chance to react some hulking lump from the other side took me out in a tackle that they heard three fields away. The lump came down on my hip. I started two weeks leave the next day and spent the first week hobbling around like I do now. I sincerely hope team America gets up there, seeing the UK and Oz are out. Could you imagine transporting piranhas in a little plastic bag on your lap? As for teeth, I lost another crown last week, where’s the bloody tooth fairy then when you really need it?

    1. Thanks mate. Please tell me the hulking lump (or was it lumping hulk?) was booked for that dirtiness. America in the knockout round feels phenomenal. I fully expect Oz would have gotten the best of the UK had they matched up.

      There’s living dangerously, and then there’s the words “piranha” and “lap” in the same sentence. I’d rather just live dangerously.

      The tooth fairy has to draw the line somewhere, mate. Otherwise, she’d be tapped out during hockey season.

      1. No Mate, everyone thought it was funny, besides it was only a ‘friendly’ game. Without Cahill in the Oz team they wouldn’t have bettered England. Yep, I’d rather just live dangerously too, it would make a great comedy skit though. I can only imagine how the tooth fairy would have to bring out the reserves in hockey season.

      2. Nothing like a friendly limp, mate! I wish America could play England right now for practice.

        The Tooth Fairy would go on strike during hockey season. Or, in England.

  3. Having taught 8th grade science I totally knew the answer to the last one, but liked how you spun it anyway! But seriously, you two are too much with the World Cup and do believe Kevin and Emma will be like this by the time the next one is on!! 🙂

    1. Now *that’s* the American way. I had to get a new laptop at work yesterday – and the IT guy said, “whatever we do, it’ll happen before kickoff – or after the match.” He’s German.

      Hope Solo retains her lofty status for me … a guy’s gotta have a girl goalie’s back, you know?

    1. Great idea. And it couldn’t have just been on Arbor Day or something, right? Although I’m sure the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy have crossed paths a time or two.

  4. Oh, Eli – you are such an incredible dad – I love the way you finished watching the game!!!
    Hmm…I guess we are fortunate that we made it through all the tooth losses without overlapping a major holiday. Actually the tooth fairy was pretty lame around here – sometimes she came a day late or got lost on the way to the bed room and had to improvise with a note!

    1. Oh, any dad would have done that! I love that she put the app on my phone, too. The tooth fairy sometimes gets lost getting to our neighborhood. I think her Garmin needs an update. She has beautiful penmanship, though, doesn’t she?

  5. Remember: more than a fistful of hummus is a waste.
    I love the way they think because I have often wondered what would happen if the Tooth Fairy met Santa in the middle of the night. In fact, Scarlet once asked me that and I’m not certain I had a good answer. I’d like to believe a high five. Or a hug and a kiss. I do believe he’d share his cookies with her. I really believe that.

  6. Hi and thanks for the follow! You have a very cool blog here. It’s interesting and entertaining :). Only one out of my 3 kids plays soccer, but they sure all love to watch the World Cup games! I look forward to your future posts!

    1. Thanks! I look forward to reading more on your page too. I had a look around, and was impressed. We’re basically planning our lives around the football right now!

  7. I used to drive limos. Did you know that? And 4. Some of the huge huge ones get another wheel set but that’s big expensive. Eventually, when they’re really old, they start sagging in the middle. At least in the 80’s. Limos is how Billy Idol wanted to Rebel Yell with me. Are you disgusted yet? 😉

    1. That is awesome. I didn’t know that. You’re also a non-beef-eating Texan? I’m a Coloradan who doesn’t ski. Or smoke pot. I’m not disgusted; I mean, if I drove a limo and Ingrid Michaelson wanted to Be OK with me? that would be OK.

      Did you cry more, more, more?

  8. What if someone fouls Cristiano Ronaldo’s hair?

    That should be a straight red card. I think he uses some form of Crazy Glue on it to keep it in place.

    Have to say I am impressed with the USA in this World Cup. That was a tough group to get out of. Best of luck against Belgium.

    1. You’re right, no warning, straight off you go. I always pay particular attention when he heads the ball. I feel like something’s got to give.

      Thanks on the good luck. I like our chances. I hope to see a little more possession than we saw against Germany.

  9. awww, you melted my heart with that selfless choice. I don’t think my hubby would give up a big screen for any of us! especially for Olympic Hockey games. LOL
    I think the very last place I would want to be sitting in my bathing suit in very hot water – would be the back of a moving car. I think the fish would agree with me. 🙂

    1. It just felt right, you know? I know Elise would do the same for me. I think.

      These World Cup games surprise me. They almost feel as big as the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl. Or the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the Grey Cup, even.

      Plus, you’re sitting right above a spinning axle and churning transmission. I’ll take the snacks!

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