Gina Valley lives a glamorous life.
A soccer mom and a writer, she has the best of both worlds. She underestimates her sense of humor, and can turn everyday events into stellar blog posts. She’s Los Angeles’ saving grace, if you ask me. (Go dodgers, and take the lakers with you).
Today, she graces the pages of the CD with a post about choosing your relatives.
Bet you didn’t know you could do that, did you? She has seven kids – which makes me think instantly of a 6v6 soccer youth team with a substitute. And she has several pets, which … makes me think of a 6v6 youth soccer team with a substitute.
Give Gina a warm welcome and please check out her blog, The Glamorous Life of a Soccer Mom, as soon as you’re done here.
They say, “You can’t choose your relatives.”
I don’t know who “they” are, but I say “Bologna!”
Sure, most relatives are inherited, but in-laws, those you chose. I have to admit my in-law selection didn’t turn out exactly like I thought it would.
So, in typical OCD fashion, I’m leaving nothing to chance in regard to my future children-in-law. I’ve made a list. I’ve checked it twice. All concerned parties have been notified as to the requirements, so they’ll easily be able to consider my wise recommendations as they chose their mate.
Naturally, I wouldn’t complain if they were amazingly wealthy. After all, I’d like to live out my golden years in the manner that I have not yet had the opportunity to grow accustom to. And, they have to like board games. I don’t know why, but that seems to be necessary for family harmony.
Of course, I want my future children-in-law to be good people, honest people, people of our faith, people who will cherish the perfect imperfections of my children (and me, should I ever develop any), educated, have a great sense of humor, yada, yada, yada.
But, what about the truly important stuff? What about the nitty-gritty, day-to-day, how-did-we-ever-live-before-this-person-joined-our-family stuff?
I want my 7 children to find partners who will provide mastery over the Seven Makes-Me-Wonders of The Modern World.
#7. Automobile Wonders. I don’t care if she owns a chain of car repair shops or is simply a weekend grease monkey, but we need someone who understands and loves to fix these auto-beasts. All I can do is kick tires and pray.
#6. Plumbing Wonders. We live in an ancient house with haunted plumbing. Our toilets spontaneously burp and overflow. Our sinks sing. We might truly need an exorcist, but let’s start by adding a family-member who’s a plumber.
#5. Computer Wonders – She doesn’t have to be Bill Gates, just someone who’s a miraculous computer fixer, because I’m a miraculous computer breaker. I can crash any network, computer, or website without even realizing it. I need someone to be Ying to my computer killing Yang.
#4. Plant Wonders – We need someone with a green thumb, two green thumbs would be even better, because I have at least two black thumbs. I have yet to meet a plant I can’t kill. Unless, I want to kill it. Then, even dumping weed killer on it somehow spurs it on to ever more healthy and rapid growth.
#3. Animal Wonders – Right now, our 110 pound 1 year old Lab is standing on our dinner table. On our dinner table. When I holler “Get down!” he looks at me, smiles, and wags his tail. We’ve got to get a dog whisperer. I can’t afford to get another table.
#2. Electrical Wonders – Not only is our house ancient, the previous owner was an electrical contractor. We have more switches and outlets in one room than most people have in their entire home. You can turn our foyer light on from 4 different locations, one of which is in the basement of the house next door. We have more than a dozen mystery switches. It’s an electrical 3-ring-circus here, and we desperately need a ring master around regularly to tame it.
#1. Restaurant Wonders – Lastly, but most importantly, we need someone who knows the recipe for El Pollo Loco chicken. Whether he worked there, owned a dozen of the restaurants, or hacked into their top secret recipe files, I don’t care. I just need that recipe, so I can make some at home. I can’t keep taking out a new mortgage every week to eat there.
I might consider changing my future children-in-law rules if one of my kids falls for someone with access to discount Disney tickets.
Of course, I’d still need to take out a mortgage, to buy us all lunch there.
Laugh Out Loud!