Go Ask Daddy About Moving Chains, Rio Romps and Getting Carded


photo credit: alvarogalve via photopin cc
photo credit: alvarogalve via photopin cc

Sometimes, being a dude blogger in a field women rule is no big deal.

We’re all parents. Dads and moms. And when I’m out and about dropping comments, it rarely comes up. But once in a while, I’ll find a new blog. Maybe it’s through a linkup. Or a Google-plus post. So I click the link.

And find something foreign.

Not a blog in French, although I’ve found those too. No, sometimes, it’s a blog about something like … fashion. Complete with a brief description of tunics and accessories and maybe a wedge or something, which I think is a type of women’s shoe.

So then I feel a little awkward.

Like I just burst into a Mary Kay party with my sweaty Rockies cap on. What do I do? Say, “that looks great on you.” No, too forward. “Nice.” Too creepy. “I love raglan in the spring!” Too not-straight. What’s a dude to do?

I don’t have an answer. But the kids, they have good questions for the week. I even had to make a quiz to answer one.

1. How do they make the first-down line on TV?

photo credit: IntelFreePress via photopin cc
photo credit: IntelFreePress via photopin cc

It’s a little more technical than the lines they drew with shaving cream for World Cup free kicks.

Back in the dark ages, we football fans had to find the target marker on the sideline. We followed the little orange strip of plastic, and imagine a first-down line. Announcers like to remind us the line isn’t official. If you bet a G on the Buffalo Bills to move the sticks, you can’t sue CBS if Ramses Barden falls short, but looks like he’s over the line.

Oh, the technology.

It’s complicated. It’s a computer-generated image that must adjust to field orientation and scale. Also, it has to account for crowning on an end-zone-to-end-zone axis to help with field draining. It also has to not draw lines over linebackers and back judges.

Shaving cream would be so much easier.

2. What’s the difference between a punk, hoodlum, thug, and hipster?

photo credit: 'Ajnagraphy' via photopin cc
photo credit: ‘Ajnagraphy’ via photopin cc

Let’s take a quiz! Answers appear at the end of this post. You must choose an answer for each question. Even if it doesn’t fit your perceived demographic. We’re all about discovery here on the CDBe sure to reveal your result in comments below!

Pick the answer that fits you best.

1. You’ll most likely find me hanging out at …
a) the coffee shop
b) a parking lot. What are you looking at?
c) a show, ok? Don’t wait up
d) Where the drugs at?

2. On my head, you’ll likely find …
a) a wool hat, half off the back of my head
b) a hoodie. Duh.
c) nothing. Not even hair.
d) do-rag.

3. You’re likely to find me listening to …
a) The Strokes
b) Eazy E
c) a band I read about on a telephone pole
d) Eminem

4. My drink of choice is …
a) White wine
b) Warm Guinness
c) a case of beer. Any beer.
d) Tanqueray

3. How long is a flight to Rio?

rioLong enough to take that quiz 7,323 times.

A direct flight on US Airways from Charlotte to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, will take 9 hours, 55 minutes.

If you take a flight with connectors, that could extend to more than 14 hours.

That’s roughly the duration of all the Na-Nahs at the end of Hey Jude.

You could hear the entire discography for The Strokes and Eazy E back-to-back.

4. How many gallons of gas fill up a car’s tank?

MEP
MEP

Not enough to get you to Rio – but definitely enough to get us to Rio Bravo Restaurant in Charlotte. Not that we’ve ever been there.

Gabi, my loving Pontiac Grand-Am, takes about 12 gallons of gas. She doesn’t have a huge appetite, and that should get us about 300 miles of driving.

SUVs take twice that.

The price of gas has risen 96% since 2009. What happened that year? Hmm.

I know! That’s the year the pittsburgh steelers won a Super Bowl they shouldn’t have.

5. Don’t they check your ID when you order alcohol?

photo credit: JenGallardo via photopin cc
photo credit: JenGallardo via photopin cc

Psh. They didn’t even check mine on my 21st birthday.

Clerks and servers should to check your ID if you look 30 or younger. If you’re older than 30 and get carded, you ought to make it a social-media status update. And leave a 20% tip.

No, the last time I had my ID checked, I was in Good Will.

Buying a Strokes tour shirt? If only I was that cool.

QUIZ ANSWERS

Point values for each answer

a = 1 point
b = 2 points
c = 3 points
d = 4 points

If you scored 1-5: You’re a hipster

photo credit: Joel Bedford via photopin cc
photo credit: Joel Bedford via photopin cc

A Metrotimes blog described the hipster this way: “You can recognize an approaching Hipster if they are wearing a beanie, glasses that contain no prescription lenses and look like the bastard offspring of a hobo and a rocker.”

If you scored 6-10: You’re a hoodlum

hoodlumUrban Dictionary described the hoodlum this way: “Young trouble makers who wear hooded jumper’s and/or large puffy FUBU jacket’s, baseball caps, shiny pants and may sport chains. Often seen loitering in front of drugstores and on stoop’s and fences.”

 

If you scored 11-15: You’re a punk

punksYourdictionary.com described a punk this way: “A kid who hangs around on the street all day giving attitude and occasionally shoplifting or stealing wallets is … a punk. … any person, esp. a youngster, regarded as inexperienced, insignificant, presumptuous, etc.”

 

If you scored 16-20: You’re a thug

photo credit: John Steven Fernandez via photopin cc
photo credit: John Steven Fernandez via photopin cc

Thug’s a sore subject in post-Richard Sherman America, 2014. So I’m going to go with an answer I found on Yahoo! Answers:

Anyone who uses crime and/or intimidation to get their way is a thug. Gender, race, class-it makes no difference. Al Queda are thugs. Gang members are thugs. Klansman and neo-Nazis are thugs. The bully that beats up your third grade cousin, is a thug. Companies like Wal-mart who bully around the suppliers and competition are thugs. It’s really universal.

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140 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Moving Chains, Rio Romps and Getting Carded”

  1. 13 points. I may need to change my user name and attitude.

    My poor, misunderstood and maligned Steelers.

    1. Your result was one I wondered about immediately when I posted the quiz. We can’t fight who we are …

      Misunderstood, for sure, your steelers. With a Cardinals fan in the house (Marie), the black and gold will be forever maligned.

      1. Wait, did I miss your answer?

        Cardinal fan? Well, we can’t all be perfect parents…

      1. Well, the Facebook quiz I took a while back says I am Ian Mackaye from Fugazi. Not too bad!

      2. I think that’s the way to win a grammy too. The best way. I mean, there have been so many grammy’s handed out over the years, but how many of them for rocking the flute? It should be a requirement going forward. Actually, no, there should be a new award, a rocking the flute award reserved for just those who go above and beyond normal music awesomeness.

  2. Baahahahaha, 5 Points, I am a Hipster, and I think it’s code for old and boring. Geez, I had to google who the Strokes are…

    I can’t believe a flight from Zurich, Switzerland to Rio is only 4 hours longer than yours!

    As for gas, I understand close to the election in 2008, prices dropped significantly for the next couple month, but slowly crept back up in 2009. It must have been a conspiracy.
    How much is a Gallon these days? In Switzerland a Liter is CHF 1.75. Convert to a Gallon (times 3.7854), convert to Dollars (times 1.1137), that’d be USD 7.38 per gallon, please, sir. Ouch, huh!

    1. wow, that’s so … low. Hipsters don’t likely consider themselves old and boring. When I’d get lost on our company trip (yes, around the resort), I’d local a band of hipsters and follow them – there was a 78% chance they were part of my company.

      I lose track of all the conspiracies here in America. I like to think about the ones that align with my politically, only, anyway. i do remember a huge surge in prices after that presidential election.

      I can get a gallon for $3.39 in South Carolina. I’ts $3.65 in North Carolina.

  3. Great quiz and totally made me smile thinking of who would answer which way. I will tell you I got carded buying beer for 4th of July and told I must have some great jeans to be 37 years old, lol!! 🙂

    1. I think we’ll find out a lot about the people around here … although no thugs have checked in yet. Maybe it’s too early. The right combination of genes and jeans will make a mama look suspiciously young.

    1. i will respectfully pass on the red wings and lions jokes i’d typed and deleted in this space given the serious nature of this discovery.

      i feared that this quiz would reveal to otherwise unknowing friends their true nature. hoboism is not a disease. it’s a way of life, and one to be embraced.

      just think – cool breeze on your face, nothing to weigh you down. just a stick, a bundle, a can of beans and the potential of stowing away on the next train. it’s a good life.

  4. I’m late, I know it’s been a big week. Sadly I don’t fall into any of those categories Mate, perhaps I’ll just stay as aging dude in a big hat and leave it at that. I don’t want to even get started on the price of fuel, with production being slowed when the oil moguls want even more money. Continental USA has enough underground oil to last it 5,000 years at the current rate and enough natural gas that will last way longer. We have gas fields off northern Australia and sell it to china for 5 cents a litre and pay 90 cents a litre at the pumps for it. Our state alone in the south has oil that is so fine and clear you can run a diesel engine on it straight from the ground. We are the victims of greedy people who….. sorry rant over. I’d love to be asked for my ID in a pub again.

    1. Your category defies description, mate. Thank you for the Australian commentary. We don’t get to see enough of what goes on from your southerly perspective. We’re much too busy wrapped up in the Gaza Strip and Crimea and the U.S. southern border.

      I’m more likely to get carded trying to buy a kids meal at McDonald’s.

      1. I’ve been called indescribable before Mate, it’s okay. While we are distracted by events we as individuals have no control over, things happen behind us that we may be able to change. Smoke and mirrors mate, that’s what it is. I can see you hooking into a happy meal.

  5. I got carded on a recent business trip, and it made my day. Forget that, it made my month. And it was a waitress, not even a dude trying to hit on me. I was like, seriously, you want to see my ID? I couldn’t get that baby out of my wallet fast enough.

    1. I hope you acted like it happens all the time, Nicole. Maybe even with an eye roll? Legit, being from a waitress, although, maybe you caught her eye.

      You gotta act like you’ve been there next time, champ. I’d advise you something youngish to say but I have no earthly idea what someone of carding age would say. At all.

  6. Apparently I’m a hipster… but I don’t much care for music (especially the music my true-hipster sisters enjoy) and I actually need my glasses. Hmm.
    I used to have a teacher from Rio… She was a very passionate woman. Unfortunately, the class bored me to sleep every time, haha.

    1. Are you the pseudo hipster, then? This study was highly scientific, as you can tell. Maybe she’s now a sleep doctor. I’ve known clergy with this gift.

      1. I know, DJ. Let’s just say I have to sweep and mop in the men’s room here at the CD far less frequently than I do the ladies’ room.

  7. Oh this is just so damned refreshing. Love it. You made me smile and hang around. Thank you. A yes, apparently I am a hoodlum. Off to buy me some shiny pants. After I hang outside the drugstore for the next three hours that is …

    1. Thanks Kelly! It’s always fresh when the kids ask the questions. Loitering is encouraged. Thanks for parking it. Did you feel like a hoodlum before you took the quiz?

      This quiz brings out the best in us …

      1. Oh, really? That’s kind of funny. My answers were pretty clear cut. I picked the ones that fit now, have fit for a long time in my past, and will probably never change at this point.
        Of course, now that I’ve said that I’ve pretty much cursed myself with imminent change, haven’t I?

      2. (Go Dodger Blue!)
        (just kidding)
        (well sort of – I grew up cheering for the Dodgers, but I don’t really watch baseball anymore)
        Those two don’t go well together anyway.

      3. Not very. not when you get no-hit by your hated rival. when it comes down to it … it’s more dangerous to wear enemy colors at dodgers stadium than it is at Coors Field.

  8. I’m a hipster it seems, but I’m not surprised because my favorite station on Pandora is the hipster station which my family teases me about. It jumps from Frank Sinatra to the Rolling Stones to Mumford and Sons. Guess that makes me a hipster? Oh that and all the reclaimed wood in my house, haha!

  9. Somehow I fell into the hipster category – not sure about that one!!!
    You know we bartend some at our venue – I check ideas because when we got our liquor license the lady scared me and said if we serve to minors we can be put in jail – scary!!!

    1. It has to be true, Kim – it’s a highly-scientific, four-question survey!

      Yes, they don’t play around with serving to minors. Or selling them cough medicine!

  10. I’m a hoodlum! One point away from a punk. Great quiz. I miss the days before the first down line. They even tried something similar with hockey, if my old memory remembers.

    1. no offense, but with a red wings avatar, i’d have pegged you on the punk/thug line. I could have made that quiz 33 questions, honestly … so much to cover. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Yes, the days before the first-down line were nice. They were before Fox’s narcissistic robot, Brent Musburger’s Katherine Webb moment and, holy God, Chris Berman.

  11. I’m a hoodlum. I would have been a hipster, but my preference for gin pushed me over the edge. I’m focusing on the word “young” in the description and ignoring the rest. Shiny pants are rarely a good look – remember that next time you find yourself on one of those fashion blogs.

    1. A hoodlum in a puffy vest … I could see it. Gin will push you into the tougher categories every time. Young + gin = all you need to know.

      I will take the blog writer to task if shiny pants are involved. This from the guy who just bought a pair of jeans at Walmart on clearance for $7.

  12. I got a big fat zero on the quiz. What does that make me? I honestly had no answers.
    However. I got carded last week buying whiskey for my dad.
    “I swear it’s for my dad!”
    “You’re buying your dad whiskey?”
    “Yes! For his birthday!”
    “Good daughter.”

    1. you wouldn’t go to a coffee shop? (if they had cookies?) you wouldn’t go where the drugs at? (if they had cookies?)

      I should have added a cookie category.

      I hope they put your whiskey in a paper bag and that you carried it out by the neck.

      1. Ok, on second review I took the quiz again and got a two. I’m a hipster!
        Hold me, Mommy.

  13. pretty sure I don’t have to say it, but I am a hipster. Although I am not sure how accurate the quiz is for myself because “the beach” was never an available answer. Same with Zeppelin.
    really…. that line isn’t real? Reminds me of that glowing puck of Fox folklore old. oye. what a goat show that was. *audible eyeroll*

    1. “The beach” needs to be an answer in a very different quiz, Rore. And Zeppelin. Both of those answers would have swung me to whatever categories they were linked to.

      No, the line is fake, and what’s more, I also found out Fox’s robot is just a cartoon. And that it’s really hard to find a party on the roof with happy friends of all races, all of them beautiful, none of them drunk and sunburned, like you see in beer commercials during games.

      Huh.

      That audible eye roll was awesome. It went, “wEErhl.” Do it again?

  14. Hahahaha! Your quiz was great. The only problem for me was that I found myself not really preferring any of the options or none of them truly applied to me! 😦 I get what you were saying though. It was a clever idea. Sooo…I definitely am glad that I came to this post where you talked about what can be different or awkward about being a male in this female dominated blogosphere. I totally get what you mean! I couldn’t imagine. I’m sure you handle your words very well when you comment. 🙂

    1. Glad you liked it Brittnei. It was a bit … narrow in scope, yes. The good news is, maybe you’re just not cut out to be any of those things.

      It’s usually smooth sailing for a bloke like me among female writers, but when it comes to fashion … shabby seems to sum up my style pretty well.

      I know how Smurfette must feel. It does come into play when I comment, especially. I just try and keep it funny or noble, or maybe both, and that seems to work.

  15. Haha… #2 made me laugh at loud! I am officially a hipster. Good to know! 🙂 Last time I got carded the guy said “oh snap, you look young!” I’m taking that as a compliment…

    1. A hipster from East Carolina? I suppose its possible. If the person carding you says “oh snap!” then he’s probably young enough to get carded, too.

  16. Hipster, dude. But I’m pretty sure we both knew that.

    As for getting carded–I didn’t get carded on my 21st birthday, either. But that may be because I was stranded in a bungalow in central India during a monsoon that day. There was no alcohol involved, which was okay, because at the time I didn’t drink on principle. Last week I had my twice-21st birthday, and I was stranded in a hotel in Eastern Nebraska during a cold snap, trying to keep the lid on a bunch of other people’s teenagers. I had to wait for birthday drinks until the next night. I didn’t get carded then, either.

    1. I had you pegged for a Thug, J.

      Yes, capital T.

      Is strandedness a tradition for your birthday? It’s not conducive to getting tipsy, but it sure does make for some potentially enthralling blog posts.

      1. Maybe it’s tradition for every 21st year . . . This year’s blogpost wouldn’t be enthralling. Just ranty. I might be able to write something up about the India one sometime, though . . .

  17. Apparently I’m a hoodlum? Who knew? I was carded once…in my 30’s at the liquor store. I also got yelled at once because the teacher thought I should be on a school bus…I was 27. I miss the “euphoria” of being mistaken for someone much younger! 🙂

    1. To some of us, Jenn, that’s no surprise. Maybe it’s that cool Canadian air that keeps you so young. I’m at that age that I can’t possibly be mistaken for younger, but haven’t acquired the stooped look that would make me look older, apparently. I’ll take this long as I can get it.

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