Dad advice sure isn’t trading well on the stock market these days.
Who am I kidding? Did Alex P. Keaton ever listen to Stephen Keaton on Family Ties? How often did the Beav listen to Ward on Leave it to Beaver? Let’s not even get into Adam’s whole apple thing with the snake and God.
So this should be no surprise. I have two teens and another daughter growing so fast she mashes my chin with her head when she hugs me. The line at the Dad Advice booth is about as busy as the Colorado Rockies playoff ticket window. <crickets>
I’ve found a demographic that still will heed my advice, though: Pets. The four-legged variety. Not the ones in my house. But four-legged friends, nonetheless. Early this week, I was a guest writer on Pig Love, my favorite blog written by an even-toed ungulate. Check out the stellar advice I dished out.
Now, onto my favorite bipedal beasts.
1. What are our Mexican blankets made of?
At the price I paid, I’d guess pig bristles.
Your ancestors used churro sheep wool to weave sarapes. A churro sheep isn’t made of dough, deep fried and sprinkled with cinnamon. Churro sheep wool holds bright dyes well. As with most things in life, white filmmakers exaggerated their use in ethnic homes. Your ancestors didn’t all wear them, and have them in every room, and on every burro.
I hope yours are alpaca wool, at least. They might be synthetic fiber, which to me is as abominable as putting rice in a burrito. No bueno. The dude who sold the blankets to me in Mexico called me ‘patron’ (Mexi-slang for ‘boss’). More than once.
So I’m going to say they were woven from a lion’s mane.
2. Is there such a thing as a convertible truck?
The same dude in Mexico tried to sell me one, but I was all out of pesos.
I turned to NPR’s Car Talk guys for this one. According to Ray, Dodge just discontinued their convertible Dakota.
Not a big seller, no. I mean, pickup guys are not usually convertible guys. Unless you’re in a pink Ken doll truck running your game on Malibu Barbie. Psh. Californians.
Or you might find a custom jobbie parked in NASCAR track infield. Chances are then that the top has just been sawed off.
That’s not so patron, after all.
3. Is there such as thing as the Eastern Australian Current?
It’s portrayed as an oceanic superhighway in the movie “Finding Nemo.” Crush the turtle gives Marlin the clown fish a lift on the swift-moving current in search of Nemo. The real thing scoots tropical waters from the Coral Sea down Australia’s east coast at speeds up to 7 knots. That’s almost 4 mph, y’all.
That’s as fast as Laurie’s top speed on his intercontinental lawn mower.
4. Would they redo a play for a penalty after the play?
I can’t think of a single sport that would.
Let’s say Chicago Bears wide receiver Josh Bellamy scores on a 17-yard pass. Teammates then snap into a flash mob to perform the Macarena and Electric Slide back to back. Shirtless, with accompaniment of the Solid Gold Dancers.
This celebration takes 13 minutes and draws a delay-of-game penalty.
Bellamy’s score stands. Unless there’s a foul during the play, what happens afterward won’t matter.
Not even the chicken dance. With twerking.
5. Why don’t they play Gangham Style anymore?
Korean pop star Psy retired his mega hit, that’s why.
Creating artificial scarcity is great for the McRib or Twinkies. People crave those things. When you bring them back, they’ll buy them with a flurry. Gangham Style is no Twinkie. But I scored an NFL touchdown, there’s a 38% chance I’d use some of these dance moves in the end zone.
Psy wants to distance himself from the biggest song of 2012 so he can write new stuff for his American fans. He didn’t want to become like actor Danny Trejo. He’s a dude you don’t recognize by name. But if you’ve ever seen a movie with a leather-faced Hispanic villain, you’ve seen his finest work.
No one wants to be a one-hit wonder, after all. But what if you have just one hit?
Even Nemo found his way to a sequel.
Typecast, for sure. But he made it.