Sometimes, the anti-answers are easy to find.
You’ll see what I mean when you read the questions picked from the pool of Go Ask Daddys today (did you know there are more than 200 of them? And that I pick five at random each week with help from random.org?)
1. NOT your elbow.
2. NOT someone who makes you feel awesome inside.
3. NOT like a cool breeze on a late-summer day.
4. NOT at any game I’ve been to.
5. And NOT anything that speaks of a healthy economy.
Let’s not concentrate on the negative. There are questions to answer.
1. What’s the most flexible part of your body?
According to the slow-mo replays on Wipeout … it’s the spine.
Not so, says science. There’s a good argument for the tongue which is the most acrobatic. But we associate flexibility with range of movement in joints with muscles. Think about someone doing the splits. Or other such contortions.
I used to have the high score at Centennial Elementary for flexibility for a boy. I could reach farthest on a ruler attached to a wooden box my feet were up against.
Yeah. It’s amazing I haven’t done more with that in life.
2. What is a menace?
Not a boy who stretches like a girl. Usually.
Dictionary.com says its something that “threatens to cause evil, harm or injury.”
We’ve all been a time or two, haven’t we?
Urbandictionary.com has an empty entry for “menace to society.”
I think I’ll submit my blog link and see what they think.
If not … I can be flexible.
3. What does heartburn feel like?
A menace in your esophagus.
It’s like someone has dripped a trail of turpentine inside your sternum, all the way up to your throat. Then, coated it with Taco Bell hot sauce, sprinkled in a bit of shrapnel and lit the whole mess on fire, from bottom to top. Usually to wake you from a deep sleep.
It’s acid regurgitation in your esophagus. It only feels like a fire-lit badger trying to play Wipeout in your upper digestive tract.
It’s striking men younger and younger in their lives, men full of life and vitality and with great hair still. Because I always thought it was an old-man thing.
4. Have they ever run out of baseballs because of fouls?
The last time they came close was just this week. And yes, the Colorado Rockies were on the scene. And yes, it gave me heartburn.
My Rockies played a torturous 16-inning, six-hour, 27-minute game. It happened on Tuesday at Wrigley Field against the Cubs. Each major-league baseball game starts with 144 balls at its disposal. They’re game-ready – meaning they’re rubbed with a special mud-and-spit concoction. (A question for another day, kids).
This awful game – which Chicago won 4-3, of course – almost used all 144 balls. Had they exhausted that supply, they’d have had to use non-rubbed baseballs. And it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.
The mighty Rockies, NL leaders in losses this season with 64, weren’t done on their trip to the Windy City.
Two days later, they went more than half the game without a hit. Against Cubs pitching. In Wrigley Field.
Pass the Tums.
5. What language do they speak in Argentina?
Finally, a people with worse problems than Rockies fans.
Argentina’s official language is Spanish. But there are as many as 40 others, some ancient and endangered dialects. Language isn’t the only thing running out fast in the land of Lionel Messi. The government this week defaulted for the second time in 13 years.
That has the Argentinian economy showing all the promise of the Rockies’ bullpen.
It looks so American, Argentina’s plight: You owe money, so you borrow. You can’t pay what you owe, so you borrow again.
But, let’s not get into that. The Rockies have a game tonight in Detroit.
If I had an Argentine peso for every ball they’re going to lose tonight …
After watching Miley Cyrus’ performance I do believe the tongue is the most flexible body part. it’s a family blog so I won’t go any further with that subject. A menace? You mean other than politicians? Probably the flea or fleas that take up residence in your undies. Went into someone’s garden shed once, it had a wooden floor and the vibration from my footsteps hatched out about a million fleas. Yep, straight to my bare, hairy legs and upwards. It was like a buy one burger get one free deal on my body parts. Mate, if a language is lost and there is no one left who speaks it, is it worth saving? I have enough trouble understanding auctioneers and horse race callers.
Mate, I often wish your comments were animated. This one in particular.
The fleas eh? The arabs have a curse, ‘May the fleas of a thousand camels nestle in your beard.’ I may have been cursed.
It’s always a thousand, huh? It’s always 17 or 37 for me.
Big beards require more fleas mate, it’s a given.
Not a fan of the cubbies, but go Tigers…World is going crazy. The tongue is the largest muscle of your body if I remember anatomy correctly. If someone says that they are gonna rip your tongue out, they can’t literally mean it unless they are Hercules…
I don’t care much about the Cubs, except for when they’re tossing up zeros at you in a bandbox ballpark. I can’t remember the last time someone threatened to rip my tongue out, but then again, I’ve never been to a wings game.
Pretty sure showing up in blue and magenta would elicit that kind of response!
Hey now…wings fans are as gentle as they come…but come to think about it, there was that one commercial. I don’t even remember what it was selling, but it was about hockey. It ended with “Everyone’s welcome”. Then this guy in an Avs sweater opens the door…Cut! I’m sure it ended well enough for the Avs fan.
I had a friend who said his favorite part of a wings game was the walk back to your car. Even after a win, he said sometimes a couple of people would bump into each other a time or two, get agitated, and stop to throw down.
Even if they were both wings fans.
That commercial explains why none of us ever saw Chauncey ever again.
The same can be said about any venue of any sport. Your poor friend. I’m gathering he saw the games for free and didn’t care about hockey at all or was paid to care… because anyone who actually pays to see a hockey game or other sport goes for the game, and not the parking lot antics. Wait what? We were talking about the tongue muscle…
Things get out of whack when an Avs fan and a wings fan get long like we too.
I must admit sadly I have had my fair share of heartburn (mostly when I was pregnant with the girls), but still was intrigued that the girls asked you this and not sure I ever really thought about this one when I was a kid nor even knew it existed. So, wasn’t expecting that one today, but still your girls like mine are always full of unexpected surprises! 🙂
I think they might have seen something on TV, a Prilosec commercial or something. I’ve had it just a handful of times, when I have too much pork!
There’s really just never any way to predict what the next question out of them might be.
while i do not have heartburn, i do have a tongue and i have a love for languages and the tigers. (and i especially loved the trade last night in the middle of our game.) and i have a love for dietrich’s quote. – great post, eli, and you’ve pretty much covered it all. lucky you have those daughters who keep asking more )
david freaking price. 3 cy young winners on your staff. this makes up for trading away john shmoltz back in the day for doyle alexander! the thought that colorado might deal troy tulowitzki last night gave me heartburn.
if these girls weren’t so inquisitive, i’d have to write about the rockies on fridays. ain’t nobody got time for that.
yep.yep to all of that )
Psh. Playoff baseball is so overrated. I tell myself this over and over between sobs in my sleep.
144 mud-and-spit coated balls per game. I’d say you have brushed up my baseball trivia by 100%, thank you!
I think it’s best to leave your heart alone. Heartburn, heartache, they’re all bitches.
Does the brain count as the most flexible body part?
The Greeks recently run out of money too – Europe bailed them out. They had to promise to become really frugal. Citizens are not happy.
It’s all about education over here, Tamara. Or trivial matters. Either/or. Yes, the heart should just be left to do its thing without any external forces.
The brain most certainly should count. It’s extra absorbent, too. Lots of people are in need of help these days, it seems. Maybe if the Greeks and Argentines could shop in bulk together …
I have a double-jointed tongue. I’m sure that’s not the scientific name but I can do weird things with it. And of course, your (maybe not YOU, but people in general) reaction (internally or not) might be to say something suggestive about it (it happens a lot), but I’m totally serious here.
Des is a menace to the society of this household. I have a bruise from a matchbox car he whipped at my head this morning.
I’ve only ever had heartburn when pregnant. It was dreadful!
I will not offer anything suggestive here. I would suggest, though, that if you’re ever delayed in a flight, you offer it up as entertainment for the masses. Promise?
You should have worn your Stormtrooper helmet.
Heartburn is no joke. When I get old, I hope I don’t get it.
Ah, heartburn…. reading that description made me need to chew some Tums.
They should have sponsored this post, Joey.
144 balls for 1 game and they almost ran out?! Crazy!!! That was one long baseball game!
Heartburn – I guess both of my brothers have issues especially my twin who eats Rolaids like candy!!
Only in the world of the Colorado Rockies – where they foul off many pitches on offense and give up many home runs on defense. I don’t like heartburn much, but when I do have it, I like those tropic flavored Tums.
If it makes you feel any better, heartburn is not reserved for CO Rockies’ fans. Despite their decent record and Wild Card chances, the Royals continue to make me sick to my stomach season after season…an don’t get me started on the KC Chiefs. We broke up in the 90s.
I hope you don’t mind if I hang around your site for a bit and get caught up. I feel like I’ve been missing out!
See you soon!
It only *feels* like God invented heartburn for Rockies fans, Michelle. Before God invented the Rockies, I was a Royals fan. I feel this should make us both saints in Kingdom Come.
So even with Andy Reid and Alex Smith, you haven’t decided to maybe ‘talk to’ the Chiefs again, like the kids say?
Please, hang around all you want. I replenished the snacks and you get preferential seating, even if there’s a kid who looks like me laying on the couch on a smartphone.
Nope! Not going back. I quit talking to them the year Lin Elliot forgot how to kick field goals and extra points. I may have had a one-game stand with them last year when they played the Raiders but there are no photos and I’m pleading the 5th!!
(But, wow! Thanks for the great seats and yummy snacks!)
If you come back to the NFL … I bet you’d look smashing in blue and orange.
Laughing all over my desk right, now. Oh Eli…if you only knew. At the risk of shameless self-promotion…here’s the sordid truth (note the orange and blue cover photo!)
At least it’s not silver and black. That would break my heart.
Oh the heartburn when I was pregnant…. I almost didn’t have more than one child SOLELY due to the awful heart burn. best description ever by the way. Oddly enough, now I reach for the hot sauce on my wings, ribs, and hashbrowns (what? try it… try it!!) now that I am passed the bun in oven days…. and? No heart burn. ever.
I could see hot sauce on hashbrowns. That’s not so strange. I think maybe this appreciation for the hot stuff is Jesus’ way of apologizing to you for your pregnancy heartburn. I have to believe that.