Go Ask Daddy About Bendy Parts, Burning Hearts, and La Lengua de Argentina

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Sometimes, the anti-answers are easy to find.

You’ll see what I mean when you read the questions picked from the pool of Go Ask Daddys today (did you know there are more than 200 of them? And that I pick five at random each week with help from random.org?)

1. NOT your elbow.

2. NOT someone who makes you feel awesome inside.

3. NOT like a cool breeze on a late-summer day.

4. NOT at any game I’ve been to.

5. And NOT anything that speaks of a healthy economy.

Let’s not concentrate on the negative. There are questions to answer.

1. What’s the most flexible part of your body?

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According to the slow-mo replays on Wipeout … it’s the spine.

Not so, says science. There’s a good argument for the tongue which is the most acrobatic. But we associate flexibility with range of movement in joints with muscles. Think about someone doing the splits. Or other such contortions.

I used to have the high score at Centennial Elementary for flexibility for a boy. I could reach farthest on a ruler attached to a wooden box my feet were up against.

Yeah. It’s amazing I haven’t done more with that in life.

2. What is a menace?

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Not a boy who stretches like a girl. Usually.

Dictionary.com says its something that “threatens to cause evil, harm or injury.”

We’ve all been a time or two, haven’t we?

Urbandictionary.com has an empty entry for “menace to society.”

I think I’ll submit my blog link and see what they think.

If not … I can be flexible.

3. What does heartburn feel like?

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A menace in your esophagus.

It’s like someone has dripped a trail of turpentine inside your sternum, all the way up to your throat. Then, coated it with Taco Bell hot sauce, sprinkled in a bit of shrapnel and lit the whole mess on fire, from bottom to top. Usually to wake you from a deep sleep.

It’s acid regurgitation in your esophagus. It only feels like a fire-lit badger trying to play Wipeout in your upper digestive tract.

It’s striking men younger and younger in their lives, men full of life and vitality and with great hair still. Because I always thought it was an old-man thing.

4. Have they ever run out of baseballs because of fouls?

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The last time they came close was just this week. And yes, the Colorado Rockies were on the scene. And yes, it gave me heartburn.

My Rockies played a torturous 16-inning, six-hour, 27-minute game. It happened on Tuesday at Wrigley Field against the Cubs. Each major-league baseball game starts with 144 balls at its disposal. They’re game-ready – meaning they’re rubbed with a special mud-and-spit concoction. (A question for another day, kids).

This awful game – which Chicago won 4-3, of course – almost used all 144 balls. Had they exhausted that supply, they’d have had to use non-rubbed baseballs. And it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.

The mighty Rockies, NL leaders in losses this season with 64, weren’t done on their trip to the Windy City.

Two days later, they went more than half the game without a hit. Against Cubs pitching. In Wrigley Field.

Pass the Tums.

5. What language do they speak in Argentina?

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Finally, a people with worse problems than Rockies fans.

Argentina’s official language is Spanish. But there are as many as 40 others, some ancient and endangered dialects. Language isn’t the only thing running out fast in the land of Lionel Messi. The government this week defaulted for the second time in 13 years.

That has the Argentinian economy showing all the promise of the Rockies’ bullpen.

It looks so American, Argentina’s plight: You owe money, so you borrow. You can’t pay what you owe, so you borrow again.

But, let’s not get into that. The Rockies have a game tonight in Detroit.

If I had an Argentine peso for every ball they’re going to lose tonight …