I’ve suffered a recent case of mistaken identity.
It’s happened before, you know. I’ve been mistaken for former Cleveland Indians pitcher Albie Lopez. A kid thought I was NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya at the park. And there was that time at work at the urinals a co-worker thought I was an electrician.
“I’ve worked here four years,” I explained. “I’m a writer.”
“Huh,” he said. “You sure?”
I’m sure. Don’t let the brown skin, hoodie and blue jeans fool you.
This time, though, I’m getting credit for stuff at work.
“Big dog!” this guy said to me the other day. “I’m a big fan of your work, man. I’ve seen you on the videos. It’s an honor to meet you.”
“Oh,” I say. “It’s nothing. Really.”
Another guy passed me on the steps and turned around.
“Hey!” he said. “We appreciate all you did for the BB&U project.”
(That’s not the real company’s name).
“Oh,” I say. “It’s nothing. Really.”
So, let’s get to something. Like, what the kids are asking these days.
1. What happens if you wreck a car on a test drive?
If it happens to me? I’m going to blame the dude everyone keeps mistaking me for.
Let’s look at what would happen.
Situation 1: A dude in a Chevy truck reads a text from his girlfriend’s sister and rear-ends the Volkswagen I’ve taken for a test drive.
Solution 1: I’ve done nothing wrong. Text boy and the car dealership will exchange insurance deets, and I’ll be on my way.
Situation 2: I could swear I saw Taylor Schilling walking a collie down Independence Boulevard. In a Rockies cap. I rear-end a Pontiac in a Buick I’ve taken for a test drive.
Solution 2: It’s on me. My auto insurance will handle the claim as if I was driving a rental car. If I have no auto insurance … I’d better run!
Situation 3: Taylor Schilling swerves in her Peugeot to avoid hitting a collie. She T-bones the Lexus I’ve taken for a test drive, and I suffer a strained face from all the goofy smiling.
Solution 3: Taylor’s insurance will take care of everything. Even my medical bills. She’ll even make sure I get back to my Pontiac safely before wondering out loud what the hell I’m doing test driving a Lexus.
2. Has a referee ever been tackled?
Sometimes, they’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. (See Dana? I even picked out Ravens footage to illustrate).
But, it goes both ways. This referee looks like a pretty good outside linebacker on this play.
3. Do you get thirsty when you sweat because you lose water?
Especially if you’ve just shoulder-slammed an SEC quarterback.
Thirst on a hot day or during exercise such as flattening a referee can be a sign of dehydration. That means your body is low on water. Your body loses water through the Four Horsemen of Dehydration: diarrhea, sweat, urination, and vomit. If any or more than one of those strikes you, you should rehydrate with water, not soda.
(I totally made up the Four Horsemen thing, though. But I forgot tears. Tears would be the fifth horseman. Boogers, too. Never mind.)
4. Why are there gas stations across the street from each other?
Sometimes, they’re the same brand of station. And the price isn’t always the same for a gallon of gas.
When that happens, it’s like two teams from the same club in a soccer match. The uniforms match, but there’s different coaches (owners) competing for the win (profits). Sometimes, one station will start as a BP, and another as a Shell, but the first gets bought out by Shell. They’re still in competition, though.
Today, we swipe smartphone screens and buy groceries online. Sometimes it’s just a matter of convenience. Because you’d have to go ALL THE WAY OVER THERE for gas and Slim Jims, instead of just OVER HERE.
5. Can you remove a tattoo?
Grownup tattoos are permanent. Sort of like kid tattoos, when the kid showers only once a week.
You didn’t really mean to get that heart and arrow tatted on your shoulder with Zayn’s name from One Direction? One option is laser surgery. It might not all come off, though, and it will hurt like hell. Any time you treat your epidermis like a canvas, though, that’s on the table.
You could also go with microdermabrasion, which is like a tiny sander on your skin. On a budget, you could try for the same effect at home, with a can of salt.
I say, if you have ink, make sure you’re going to love it. It’s going to be part of you for a long, long time.
Like your identity, Kind of.