Go Ask Daddy About Auto Crashes, Hot Flashes and How to get Backsies When You’ve Had Ink Done


photo credit: Buffy.tws via photopin cc
photo credit: Buffy.tws via photopin cc

I’ve suffered a recent case of mistaken identity.

It’s happened before, you know. I’ve been mistaken for former Cleveland Indians pitcher Albie Lopez. A kid thought I was NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya at the park. And there was that time at work at the urinals a co-worker thought I was an electrician.

“I’ve worked here four years,” I explained. “I’m a writer.”

“Huh,” he said. “You sure?”

I’m sure. Don’t let the brown skin, hoodie and blue jeans fool you.

This time, though, I’m getting credit for stuff at work.

“Big dog!” this guy said to me the other day. “I’m a big fan of your work, man. I’ve seen you on the videos. It’s an honor to meet you.”

“Oh,” I say. “It’s nothing. Really.”

Another guy passed me on the steps and turned around.

“Hey!” he said. “We appreciate all you did for the BB&U project.”

(That’s not the real company’s name).

“Oh,” I say. “It’s nothing. Really.”

So, let’s get to something. Like, what the kids are asking these days.

1.     What happens if you wreck a car on a test drive?

photo credit: Brave Heart via photopin cc
photo credit: Brave Heart via photopin cc

If it happens to me? I’m going to blame the dude everyone keeps mistaking me for.

Let’s look at what would happen.

Situation 1: A dude in a Chevy truck reads a text from his girlfriend’s sister and rear-ends the Volkswagen I’ve taken for a test drive.

Solution 1: I’ve done nothing wrong. Text boy and the car dealership will exchange insurance deets, and I’ll be on my way.

Situation 2: I could swear I saw Taylor Schilling walking a collie down Independence Boulevard. In a Rockies cap. I rear-end a Pontiac in a Buick I’ve taken for a test drive.

Solution 2: It’s on me. My auto insurance will handle the claim as if I was driving a rental car. If I have no auto insurance … I’d better run!

Situation 3: Taylor Schilling swerves in her Peugeot to avoid hitting a collie. She T-bones the Lexus I’ve taken for a test drive, and I suffer a strained face from all the goofy smiling.

Solution 3: Taylor’s insurance will take care of everything. Even my medical bills. She’ll even make sure I get back to my Pontiac safely before wondering out loud what the hell I’m doing test driving a Lexus.

2. Has a referee ever been tackled?

Sometimes, they’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. (See Dana? I even picked out Ravens footage to illustrate).

But, it goes both ways. This referee looks like a pretty good outside linebacker on this play.

3.     Do you get thirsty when you sweat because you lose water?

photo credit: ButterflySha via photopin cc
photo credit: ButterflySha via photopin cc

Especially if you’ve just shoulder-slammed an SEC quarterback.

Thirst on a hot day or during exercise such as flattening a referee can be a sign of dehydration. That means your body is low on water. Your body loses water through the Four Horsemen of Dehydration: diarrhea, sweat, urination, and vomit. If any or more than one of those strikes you, you should rehydrate with water, not soda.

(I totally made up the Four Horsemen thing, though. But I forgot tears. Tears would be the fifth horseman. Boogers, too. Never mind.)

4.     Why are there gas stations across the street from each other?

photo credit: K2D2vaca via photopin cc
photo credit: K2D2vaca via photopin cc

Sometimes, they’re the same brand of station. And the price isn’t always the same for a gallon of gas.

When that happens, it’s like two teams from the same club in a soccer match. The uniforms match, but there’s different coaches (owners) competing for the win (profits). Sometimes, one station will start as a BP, and another as a Shell, but the first gets bought out by Shell. They’re still in competition, though.

Today, we swipe smartphone screens and buy groceries online. Sometimes it’s just a matter of convenience. Because you’d have to go ALL THE WAY OVER THERE for gas and Slim Jims, instead of just OVER HERE.

5.     Can you remove a tattoo?

photo credit: Jhong Dizon | Photography via photopin cc
photo credit: Jhong Dizon | Photography via photopin cc

Grownup tattoos are permanent. Sort of like kid tattoos, when the kid showers only once a week.

You didn’t really mean to get that heart and arrow tatted on your shoulder with Zayn’s name from One Direction? One option is laser surgery. It might not all come off, though, and it will hurt like hell. Any time you treat your epidermis like a canvas, though, that’s on the table.

You could also go with microdermabrasion, which is like a tiny sander on your skin. On a budget, you could try for the same effect at home, with a can of salt.

I say, if you have ink, make sure you’re going to love it. It’s going to be part of you for a long, long time.

Like your identity, Kind of.

 

tattoo quote

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44 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Auto Crashes, Hot Flashes and How to get Backsies When You’ve Had Ink Done

  1. Eli, you’re a font of information. Have you ever been T-boned by anyone while test driving a Lexus? I love your slightly weird and wacky posts 😀

    1. Better than a cesspool of trivial facts, right? It’s a fine line. I have never experienced the t-bone in a Lexus, but then again, it’s only 6:31 on a Friday.

      Weird and wacky is much preferred to wilting and woebegone.

  2. Let me see Mate, I was mistaken for Dennis Lillee, cricketing legend and fast bowler by a drunk in a pub one day. http://tinyurl.com/n4t6byw Yes, I had hair. I called Lorelle over to check the picture and she said, ‘Is that you?’ You know, the only prang (collision) I’ve had was in the coppers. I deliberately ran into the back wheel of a dirt bike on a bush track. I stopped, the back wheel of the bike was stuck in my cruiser’s headlight and the rider hung by his cojones off the handlebars. You don’t run from the coppers. Hitting kangaroos and emus doesn’t count because they just commit suicide in front of cars. Sadly I’ve never tackled a referee. Even sadder is the fact I have a tattoo. I was 17, drunk and in the *care* of some army mates. It seemed like a great idea at the time.
    Great post mate.
    Cheers
    Laurie.

    1. Hey Laurie, I was thinking of you the other day. I saw a picture of two roos in the snow. It was priceless! What is going on down under? Sudden onset of winter where it isn’t supposed to happen?

      1. We have some of the finest skiing in the world here in winter Tamara. It snows heavily in the snowy mountain area in southern New South Wales and Victoria. They have some great resorts.

    2. I see the resemblance, mate, but I think you could take him in an arm-wrestling match. Is that tat story in a post somewhere? And I wonder how the rider tells that story. In a higher octave, I’d imagine.

      Thanks as always, amigo.

      1. I’d like to think so Mate, I went into an arm wrestling contest once, came third after they brought some circus strongman out.
        I don’t think it is.
        Oh the rider! Not a happy man at all, he was a big bloke who ended up with a lovely bunch of coconuts.
        No worries at all mate.

  3. A full Friday morning, love it!
    So tell us more about that project you’ve aced! And may we have your autograph?

    Which car accident scenario would you actually prefer? Reminds me I’ve got to find out if repairing the dent in my hood will be covered by insurance.

    There are entire studies on consumer’s lazyness that supermarkets and gas stations pay for. Obvioulsy it’s totally too much to ask to go all the way over there – especially during rush hour. Just think: you may not get back to your lane for an hour or so!

    Off-Topic, just popped in my head when I read about the tattoos… how about those cake fails? The ones that say “happy birthday, Dad – please add rainbow sprinkles” or “happy anniversary, Don and Sherri with an eye!” Hahaha.

    OK, back to work now…

    1. It’s the only way I know, TG!

      Well, that project … you see, it’s, um, top secret. I’m not even allowed to know about it, apparently.

      I think I’d take the smiling scenario because of course. Plus, it’d be a post.

      I generally will stop only on my side of the road when I need gas. But if they were giving out cheeseburgers across the street, I’d definitely walk.

      I’ve never seen those cake fails! I’d still eat that cake, by the way.

    1. Thanks – although the Juan Pablo Montoya thing wasn’t bad, and at least this bloke at work is doing good things. I wonder if he catches hell for the stuff I do.

      Did you consider it, Janine?

  4. Thank you for clearing up the gas station mystery. I have never understood why someone won’t cross the street to save 2 cents on a gallon of gas. Although my husband will drive 30 minutes to save 8 cents but he’s just weird that way.

    The football one made me think of the Cup Playoffs. During the Bruins run a linesmen got a puck to the nose. I believe it was a Dougie slapshot. He got a standing ovation when he came back to the ice. The ref,not Dougie. (here’s the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxOrzerftqc)

    1. It’s my duty on Fridays, Kerri. I gas up in South Carolina, where I work, and it’s about 25 cents cheaper a gallon than where I live, in North Carolina.

      Ouch on the puck! Could have been much worse. And he’s right … ‘let’s go.’ It’s the playoffs!

  5. I remember a clip from NFL Films (the ones that Steve Sabol used to make) where a ref was on the wrong side of a reverse play and must have tumbled backwards about twenty yards before he finally landed on his ass. I gotta find that clip…to the Internet!

    I’ve also seen some moments at soccer matches when the refs got the worst of it, or ended up in the way. I loved/hated that moment during the USA/Germany group stage match when the US was counterattacking, and Jermaine Jones was thundering down the middle…and he ran right into the ref. If he didn’t, that would have been a clear scoring chance. I thought he was going to murder the ref right there.

  6. Hi Eli,
    I PROMISE that I have a real job and don’t spend hours on WP reading stuff. That said, I’m going to LOVE this feature on Fridays. It’s a fun reminder of when my kiddos were younger and asked the most awesome questions. Thanks for a laugh and a smile 🙂

    1. I thought maybe your job was to spend hours on WP reading stuff – and I wanted to ask you if you’re hiring. It’s a blast, these questions the kids ask. I have more than 200 in the hopper just waiting to be answered.

      So glad you’re here!

  7. Nice – I wish someone would masquerade as me and do some of my work:)
    I waited till the ripe age of 40 to get a tattoo and even then didn’t go with anyones name – I have a Longhorn!!!

  8. Heh, if our cars ever became entangled, I would probably think that you looked familiar, kind of like this Avs fan whose blog I happen ro follow. Your insurance card would confirm or deny.

    The gas station question always made me scratch my head. Why is it that I will wait in frustration to pump gas at my favorite station while every pump is being used, while the station kitty cat corner has three pumps available? It isn’t price or brand loyalty.

    Thanks again to your daughters.

    1. Would your instinct be to throat-punch when you see magenta and blue? We have special insurance to cover damage from red wings and stars fans.

      Gas-station mystery, solved. Maybe the station you like plays better music. Or it smells funny over there.

      My daughters have ensured that I’ll at least have Friday posts for the next 42 weeks.

  9. That picture of the cat could be any one of mine. Leave a cup of water out and you’re taking your chances. Three cats will just drink from it; the last one will scoop water out with her paws and drink from her paw. Loved the insurance stuff too. I’ve been doing some social media work for an insurance company and I’ve learned a ton.

    1. Ours have gotten their heads stuck in shopping bags – brilliant animals, right? Usually, they just spill stuff if we leave it out.

      We have one who won’t eat from the bowl, but will spill the food all over the floor so he can lay down and eat.

      There’s so much to learn about insurance, isn’t there? It’s my new team at work, and I have to learn so much. But it’s good stuff to know, better than understanding the infield fly rule, even.

  10. The four (five) horsemen of dehydration just made my day. Booger, boogers, boogers too!
    In my mom’s town there is a gas station that is a few cents less than the other two RIGHT NEXT TO THAT ONE. And people line up for minutes at the first one. And I always think that time is money anyway and I go to the more expensive ones. Also, if you’re idling in your car for ten minutes, you just lost some gas anyway.
    Am I right?

    1. I wish I had time to have Elise illustrate the Four (five? six?) Horsemen. And I wonder how many boogers it would take to dehydrate a kid.

      I also wonder, in a lifetime, how much you would save if you only went to the NEXT gas station. Not to mention fuel wasted while you idle. You could probably afford a Slim Jim and Mello Yello once a month.

      You are right.

  11. I’m conflicted. I hate it when the stripes get in the way of a good hockey rush. but I chuckle if I actual see their skates clear the boards. life is so hard. 🙂
    and that’s why I have my tattoo in a very discreet place. no one knows but me and the Mister.
    (oh and that random guy at the bar that I flashed when I first got it because I just had to show it off to someone. I’m sure he’s forgotten all about it. 😉

    1. I think you should write about this tat.

      I have an aversion to stripes. There’s a haircut joint here that features young ladies in tight shorts and ref shirts. I just can’t bear to go in there.

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