Sometimes, the journey to Coach Daddy is a long, strange ride.
Ever look at the search terms used to find your blog? Here’s the three most intriguing for the past seven days, 30 days, quarter, year, and all time.
Past 7 days
10 things middle aged never do: Early in Coach Daddy history, I ranted on things men should give up on in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. Aside from “Would You Die For Me, Daddy?” this post is the most viewed ever on my site.
pizza eater funny: Someone’s been watching me on Friday nights.
Past 30 days
mork and mindy hey jude: It’s one of my favorite Robin Williams memories. It’s the episode when Mindy said Mork stayed in the car to listen to the end of “Hey Jude” – a song that clocks in at more than 8 minutes!
10 things a girl should always remember: I wrote a post once for my girls on this subject. I guess someone else was thinking the same thing.
alternative trophy ideas: Some people feel every kid should get a trophy for every season. Those who disagree have found their way to Coach Daddy for other solutions.
i hate disney channel shows: Preach it, sister. I did once, too.
And I quote, “Here are the five I’d like to wrap in tin foil, drop in a bucket of horseradish and turpentine, and shove off the business end of a fast-moving lettuce truck on a remote two-lane coastal Mississippi highway with lots of potholes. At night. During a hurricane.”
kid selfie: Remember our contest?
father and son funny moments eating together wordpress: No words. I have daughters, and plenty of funny moments eating together.
tickle central: Puzzling. This is a daddy/daughter game I played with my girls with an index finger named Braulio and nicknamed Uno.
soccer quote: Elise had many in this post.
enigma wrapped in a contradiction: This could have been my subtitle.
how deep is water polo pool: Go Ask Daddy questions are the world’s questions.
things that make a great dad: Who knew?
hope solo hot: Was that out loud?
OK, sparky. Let’s get to the kids’ questions:
1. What’s blow a raspberry?
It’s the official calling card of kindergartners – and Archie Bunker.
It’s when you stick your tongue out and blow to imitate flatulence.
Lest my next Go Ask Daddy include, “what is flatulence?” it means you make a fart noise, with your mouth.
Why raspberry, though? In British Cockney fashion, it stands for “raspberry tart” – or, fart, for short.
It’s also a Bronx cheer, which is what I’d do if I saw the yankees play. Or giants. God, I hate the giants.
2. Do you still go to the gym every day?
Here’s what I’ve found: I do love to run. I’m surprised at what I can do when I run. People younger and thinner than me have finished behind me in the two 5Ks I’ve run. I even downloaded a workout app that had me doing lat pulls and the military press.
They’re fun, for a while, until they’re not.
Disc golf, played in horrid humidity or enormous, cold rain drops, is always fun. It’s fun, even when you’re 21 over par and have just chucked a disc into the lake. It’s also fun in the winter, with bitter wind or heavy snow. I love to play. I love the hike and the vitamin D and problem solving.
Problems I get myself into. My heart rate stays high and my mind stays sharp.
In this way, the world is my gym. Or at least the disc golf course is. And so long as my jeans still fit and I feel like a champ, that’s good enough for me.
3. Do they make bras for men?
On my list of reasons to play disc golf or do pushups is so that I never have reason to roll into Kohl’s and ask for the man bra. Or Bro, as Kramer calls it.
Sometimes, though, good boys and men develop boobs. The term “man boobs” is one of several which strip modern man of his masculinity.
The man bra is for flattening out the landscape, not enhance it, as is the case with the push-up bra. Push-up bras are for women, or cross-dressers. And there’s a 76% chance “what’s a cross-dresser?” will appear in a future edition of Go Ask Daddy.
4. If hot air rises, why is it colder in the mountains?
It’s 11:43 p.m. I’m listening to Dion. I need a snack. I’m pondering a season of fantasy football with Jay Cutler as my only quarterback. This question is a bit beyond my current scope of brain power.
The Little Shop of Physics at Colorado State University posed the same question. They formulated an experiment to find out why. All you need is a two-liter bottle (not unlike the Harris-Teeter brand zero cola container I just emptied).
You also need a tire valve to fit the cap of the bottle, a bike pump with pressure gauge, and an LCD aquarium thermometer.
Well … we have the bottle.
When air near the earth’s surface warms, it rises. To higher elevations, even. But as it does, it expands, and dissipates. The energy transfer results in a cooling. That’s why Asheville is pleasant in July and Estes Park is frigid in December.
5. How do they tell if a rock is a geode?
Geodes are my geological twins. You know, kind of rough and nondescript on the outside, but loaded with gorgeous beauty, if you can crack the damned thing.
The center of a geode is filled with crystal. Asheville and Estes Park shops sell them. They’re a decent mountain souvenir. So are cedar boxes, moonshine and rubber tomahawks.
Look for an oval or round rock. Crack it open like a snow crab leg with your handy rock hammer. Don’t have a rock hammer? Look for one of those chain cracker machines that look like old-west torture machines. Watch your fingers.
If this lumpy rock has beauty inside, have it cut and polished and display it proudly next to your spoon collection. But what if you crack the rock only to find … more rock inside?
Expect a raspberry of epic proportions.