Go Ask Daddy About Cockney Tarts, Womany Parts and Geological Arts


photo credit: Pedro Vezini via photopin cc
photo credit: Pedro Vezini via photopin cc

Sometimes, the journey to Coach Daddy is a long, strange ride.

Ever look at the search terms used to find your blog? Here’s the three most intriguing for the past seven days, 30 days, quarter, year, and all time.

Past 7 days

10 things middle aged never do: Early in Coach Daddy history, I ranted on things men should give up on in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. Aside from “Would You Die For Me, Daddy?” this post is the most viewed ever on my site.

pizza eater funny: Someone’s been watching me on Friday nights.

words to describe parents: Ernest Hemingway claimed you can tell any story in a six-word sentence. That inspired my monthly 6 Words posts. The first one, more than a year ago, was on parenthood.

Past 30 days

photo credit: tecnomovida via photopin cc
photo credit: tecnomovida via photopin cc

mork and mindy hey jude: It’s one of my favorite Robin Williams memories. It’s the episode when Mindy said Mork stayed in the car to listen to the end of “Hey Jude” – a song that clocks in at more than 8 minutes!

10 things a girl should always remember: I wrote a post once for my girls on this subject. I guess someone else was thinking the same thing.

alternative trophy ideas: Some people feel every kid should get a trophy for every season. Those who disagree have found their way to Coach Daddy for other solutions.

Past Quarter

i hate disney channel shows: Preach it, sister. I did once, too.

And I quote, “Here are the five I’d like to wrap in tin foil, drop in a bucket of horseradish and turpentine, and shove off the business end of a fast-moving lettuce truck on a remote two-lane coastal Mississippi highway with lots of potholes. At night. During a hurricane.”

kid selfie: Remember our contest?

father and son funny moments eating together wordpress: No words. I have daughters, and plenty of funny moments eating together.

Past year

hike19tickle central: Puzzling. This is a daddy/daughter game I played with my girls with an index finger named Braulio and nicknamed Uno.

soccer quote: Elise had many in this post.

enigma wrapped in a contradiction: This could have been my subtitle.

All time

how deep is water polo pool: Go Ask Daddy questions are the world’s questions.

things that make a great dad: Who knew?

hope solo hot: Was that out loud?

OK, sparky. Let’s get to the kids’ questions:

1.     What’s blow a raspberry?

photo credit: The Pack via photopin cc
photo credit: The Pack via photopin cc

It’s the official calling card of kindergartners – and Archie Bunker.

It’s when you stick your tongue out and blow to imitate flatulence.

Lest my next Go Ask Daddy include, “what is flatulence?” it means you make a fart noise, with your mouth.

Why raspberry, though? In British Cockney fashion, it stands for “raspberry tart” – or, fart, for short.

It’s also a Bronx cheer, which is what I’d do if I saw the yankees play. Or giants. God, I hate the giants.

2. Do you still go to the gym every day?

photo credit: m01229 via photopin cc
photo credit: m01229 via photopin cc

No.

Here’s what I’ve found: I do love to run. I’m surprised at what I can do when I run. People younger and thinner than me have finished behind me in the two 5Ks I’ve run. I even downloaded a workout app that had me doing lat pulls and the military press.

They’re fun, for a while, until they’re not.

Disc golf, played in horrid humidity or enormous, cold rain drops, is always fun. It’s fun, even when you’re 21 over par and have just chucked a disc into the lake. It’s also fun in the winter, with bitter wind or heavy snow. I love to play. I love the hike and the vitamin D and problem solving.

Problems I get myself into. My heart rate stays high and my mind stays sharp.

In this way, the world is my gym. Or at least the disc golf course is. And so long as my jeans still fit and I feel like a champ, that’s good enough for me.

3. Do they make bras for men?

photo credit: Helga Weber via photopin cc
photo credit: Helga Weber via photopin cc

On my list of reasons to play disc golf or do pushups is so that I never have reason to roll into Kohl’s and ask for the man bra. Or Bro, as Kramer calls it.

Sometimes, though, good boys and men develop boobs. The term “man boobs” is one of several which strip modern man of his masculinity.

The man bra is for flattening out the landscape, not enhance it, as is the case with the push-up bra. Push-up bras are for women, or cross-dressers. And there’s a 76% chance “what’s a cross-dresser?” will appear in a future edition of Go Ask Daddy.

4. If hot air rises, why is it colder in the mountains?

photo credit: Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton via photopin cc
photo credit: Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton via photopin cc

It’s 11:43 p.m. I’m listening to Dion. I need a snack. I’m pondering a season of fantasy football with Jay Cutler as my only quarterback. This question is a bit beyond my current scope of brain power.

The Little Shop of Physics at Colorado State University posed the same question. They formulated an experiment to find out why. All you need is a two-liter bottle (not unlike the Harris-Teeter brand zero cola container I just emptied).

You also need a tire valve to fit the cap of the bottle, a bike pump with pressure gauge, and an LCD aquarium thermometer.

Well … we have the bottle.

When air near the earth’s surface warms, it rises. To higher elevations, even. But as it does, it expands, and dissipates. The energy transfer results in a cooling. That’s why Asheville is pleasant in July and Estes Park is frigid in December.

5. How do they tell if a rock is a geode?

photo credit: JMarkBlasingame via photopin cc
photo credit: JMarkBlasingame via photopin cc

Geodes are my geological twins. You know, kind of rough and nondescript on the outside, but loaded with gorgeous beauty, if you can crack the damned thing.

The center of a geode is filled with crystal. Asheville and Estes Park shops sell them. They’re a decent mountain souvenir. So are cedar boxes, moonshine and rubber tomahawks.

Look for an oval or round rock. Crack it open like a snow crab leg with your handy rock hammer. Don’t have a rock hammer? Look for one of those chain cracker machines that look like old-west torture machines. Watch your fingers.

If this lumpy rock has beauty inside, have it cut and polished and display it proudly next to your spoon collection. But what if you crack the rock only to find … more rock inside?

Expect a raspberry of epic proportions.

 

rocks quote

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65 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Cockney Tarts, Womany Parts and Geological Arts”

  1. Were you bored when you went through your search keywords? Here’s some of mine – I think some Internet users have interesting minds:

    – fall in love with me at your own risk
    – sunglass mr president
    – wallpapers when its raining i miss you

    Some Swiss hockey players’ names, too.

    OK, expanding dissipating and energy transfer = too much for me on a Friday morning. I am going over to the market for a fresh chocolate croissant now.

    1. No – I had the idea to devote a post to it. But I had Go Ask Daddy writer’s block at 10:34 p.m., and went for it.

      sunglass mr president should be a band name. There were also some terms that weren’t fit for family audiences.

      Not shocked at all Swiss hockey players led to your blog – some of them were probably Googling themselves.

      I’d settle for a stale chocolate croissant right about now.

      1. I try do get my writing done before 10:34pm. My everything block kicks in shortly after C’s light out = 8:34pm.

        I’ll have to cross-reference the hockey player’s hits on my page against their game schedule to confirm your suspicion. Generally I think hockey players are less vain than soccer stars. Oh, and you know what, Roman Josi is single again ♥

        Can you believe the world champion coworker didn’t eat his chocolate croissant – it’s yours if you want it.

      2. I have fallen asleep writing a post more times than I care to admit. And I’ll take that croissant!

        I’m pretty sure Hope Solo has me in her Feedly.

  2. and here i thought a raspberry tart was a name for a special kind of woman, who had many male callers. and you are truly a geode if i ever saw one, eli.

  3. Dion, as in “The Belmonts” or as in “Celine”?

    Make the kids sit through “My Fair Lady” to truly embrace the fun of a Cockney accent. Or a badly done imitation by Audrey Hepburn of all people.

    1. Oh gosh – the machisimo portion of my soul would never admit to Celine.

      I think we should master the Cockney accent for use on the soccer pitch. Imagine a bunch of tanned and otherwise ethnic teens and preteens who sound like Eliza Doolittle.

  4. Throughout your entire post, my husband kept looking at me reading and asking “why are you smiling?”… that sums it all. LOL! Always a great day to start the morning. Have a great friday and week-end Eli!

    1. At least he didn’t say, “why are you scowling?” Or crying? Or … you look a little green around the gills!

      Glad you came by for this! Have a great weekend Yanic … I’m trying not to think about the cookies on your blog today. I think I can make it about 17 minutes.

      1. They are actually. 🙂 You mean the little chocolate looking things in the paper cups or the muffins? Cause both are vegan, SUPER healthy and really good. I left the links… Believe me, you don’t need to stay away from these! 🙂

  5. Outer beauty attracts but inner beauty captivates…yes…and inner ugly repels, despite outer beauty…but not always (according to those I know)…LMAO about moobs.

      1. Haha. If I had Twitter, I might. WP is as social as i get. I’m almost Luddite. Most likely, when D-lord is old, he (or she, cuz girls do it too) will be spoogy, unless they have a picture that absorbs their old or a great trainer and plastic surgeon, or exceptional genes.

      2. Inclined to agree. At my mom’s insistence, I watched Expendables 3. Harrison Ford looked aged. Sly, Dolf, Arnie…they looked okayish to damned good…they were older when we were younger…yay personal trainers.

      3. In the necro comment, yeah…I like the cat-back exhaust system that expells chemicals through the throaty muffler. Way back when, our neighbor used a Folgers coffee can as a muffler.

        I drive a Honda Fit…no tricks, though.

  6. I used to look at my search terms quite often and get a pretty good laugh myself. been slacking on that though and might need to take a look at some point when I have a few quiet moments to get a good laugh now. And the Archie Bunker and Kramer references here in one place were totally mind blowing my friend 🙂

    1. If anything, it’s a quick post idea when your well runs dry. Plus, aren’t we supposed to go back to the keywords that drive traffic to us?

      I hope you and I aren’t the only ones who remember Archie Bunker! I should have included a link to his raspberry.

  7. Those search engine things are always funny – sometimes it is amazing what will send someone to your site!!
    And, they really make man bras?! Do men actually buy and wear them????

  8. These are great – the questions, answers and search terms. I haven’t check the search terms that lead people to my blog in a long time, but now I want to!

  9. Please give yourself a hearty pat on the back. I never knew that “raspberry” was Cockney rhyming slang, in spite of having lived among the Cockneys for more than five years. I guess it worked.

  10. I always look at my search terms when I check the stats, there are some beauties. I like rhyming slang, as you say it’s Cockney but it was devised by criminals so they could talk openly about their upcoming crimes. It’s still used out here by some older crims in jails. Hot air? Crikey Washington DC and any other capital in the world must be freezing with the amount that comes from governments. I haven’t been to a gym in ages, I chop wood if I want to keep my man boobs at bay. Did you know that men can get breast cancer if they have MB’s? Here’s another one, Archie Bunker was developed in the US due to the success of the English show, ‘Till Death do us Part.’ The lead character, Alf Garnett is a dyed in the wool racist and bigot but crikey he plays the part well. Google the show and have a look. Another great Friday mate.

    1. So it was kind of like Pig Latin then? My parents used to speak Spanish around us kids and say we should learn it too, so that if we have company, they can tell us, “when they leave, we’ll go to Dairy Queen.” I pointed out that they never take us to Dairy Queen, and that was the end of that conversation!

      I wonder if I’ll call my future son in law “meat head” like Archie did.

      1. A secret language to be used exactly like your parents did. I think Alf Garnett’s usual description of his son in law was more descriptive he called him a Scouse ( a slang term for someone from Liverpool) Git (Total and utter tosser (masturbator) who is incapable of doing anything other than annoying people, and not in a way that is funny to others. Best used idly. e.g. “Git.” )

      2. Other than the masturbatory reference you can class a tosser as an idiot. A punter is someone who puts on bets at the racetrack, however over time it’s come to mean people who come along to events, shows etc where they’re going to buy or at least be removed from their money.

  11. “tickle central” and “pizza eater funny” were me.
    Love the Mork and Mindy reference. Love the Kramer bro reference. In fact, you may find new search terms that have gotten me here based on that!
    There is a search term that has gotten people to one of my posts since 2010. Maybe I’ll have to email that one..

  12. Someone once came to my blog under the search “naked Keanu Reeves”. Ha! Like I would share if I HAD THAT! 😉
    “moobs”
    sorry, had to be done. 🙂
    I’m just too giddy to have my computer working again and be back on the wonderful web where all my questions can be answered.

  13. Search terms can be really funny.. and ridiculous at the same time! In fact, I’m gonna go check my dashboard now. LOL at man boobs!

  14. I wrote that post about Victoria’s Secret and body image a while ago and without fail,every week, ‘panties’ shows up in my search terms. Then there was ‘stripper mom’. I don’t even know….honestly.
    “It’s 11:43 p.m. I’m listening to Dion. I need a snack. I’m pondering a season of fantasy football with Jay Cutler as my only quarterback. This question is a bit beyond my current scope of brain power.” I can’t explain why but this was my favorite bit in the post. I love the way your mind works, Eli! Thanks for the smile!

    1. Yes, any post with a tie to undergarments will give you a spike in numbers, I’ve found. Stripper mom – hey, what happens in preschool days stays in preschool days, I say.

      Glad you liked the summation of my mindset in that very moment. Honestly raw, and rawly honest. My mind works in mysterious ways, but I’m glad you’re out there to appreciate its vagrancies.

    1. It’s what makes the blogs go ’round, Meredith. In all sorts of sordid and tricky ways.

      I might or might not have actually used “hope solo is hot” as a keyword …

  15. All I’ve got to say is, never write a post that has the words “Spring Break Slut” in it, or you will have creepers ALL OVER your page. You don’t even want to know some of the phrases people use in Google to land on my page. Actually, you do. They’re pretty awesome–in a really terrible, perverse way. I suppose perhaps it’s my fault for writing the sheot that I write? Ah, well. A reader is a reader, right? Although I’m sure all of the pervs are quuiiiiiiite disappointed when they land on this tall drink of horseface’s blog after searching “spring break sluts with no clothes.” Okay, now hopefully you’ll get some of these guys, too, since I left this comment on your page. You’re welc. 🙂

    1. This reminds me of when I added Cher Lloyd to my Pandora, and suddenly One Direction and Ed Sheeran crept in. The keyword “spring break slut” ought to bring in a whole new brand of reader.

      Thanks, Shay. Thanks.

  16. I think the search words are funny. I did fine with mine, but I recently did a sponsored campaign for Depend and had to use the title #dropyourpants Thank goodness for the hashtag, but I’m still worried. I’ve got family-friendly only going on over at my place. 😉

    Here to wish you a happy week, and hurrah for geodes (I married one of those too). 😉

    1. Search words are a long, strange ride. #dropyourpants feels relatively mild compared to some keywords I’ve found in my list. I think you’re safe Rosey!

      Without geodes, the emeralds couldn’t shine.

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