Guest Post: Julia of Diary of a Word Nerd, on Why Parenting Requires a Lollipop

photo credit: ShellyS via photopin cc

I read a lot. But I don’t reeeaad.

It’s like, do you hear Jimmy Hendrix? Or do you just listen to Jimmy Hendrix? (Thanks, Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump.) I read many blogs. I read comments and I read scouting reports for my fantasy football players.

I might read bios of NPR reporters and meteorologists.

To reeeaad, I need an actual book. Julia Tomiak reads enough for us both. She writes the blog Diary of a Word Nerd. A lifelong reader, Julia took a similar career path as me. It starts on the school paper, lead to college and advanced degrees and parenthood.

I did the same thing.

Well, if you count two junior years. Also, count my academic probation and repeated invitations to return to complete my degree. Julia’s here today to talk about something we do have in common: soccer coaching. We are much alike in our approach.

I think it would be awesome to someday face each other in a match of the century.

Julia says that, outside of writing, she likes to “run, swim, or strike a yoga pose.”
Just like me. Only I like rum, to eat by a whim, and strike a disc golf pose. Same thing. I just hope after you read this … I can still be your second favorite soccer coach.

Yeah. She’s good.

# # #

Would you believe that I drive my kids one hour each way to soccer practice, three times a week? That’s a lot of miles on the minivan.

I don’t spend so much time and gasoline on soccer because I think my boys will play in The World Cup or the British Premier League (although they do). We travel because we love the game. It’s fast, it’s fun, and my favorite part: it teaches kids to think.

Soccer requires constant motion. No time outs, few set plays. Players think on the fly, problem solve, and execute quickly. When to dribble, when to pass. How to handle that annoying kid who pushes.

When I coach soccer (my boys aren’t the only ones with cleats), I ask the parents of my players NOT to yell directions from the sidelines. It’s confusing. More importantly, it robs players of the opportunity to figure things out on their own.

Photo: Julia Tomiak, 2014

If the parents don’t keep quiet, I threaten to pass out lollipops. Big ones.

And now, as my first child morphs from a smiling little boy into a pensive teenager, I realize I need a gigantic lollipop of my own. Last week, he told me I nag him too much. The motto from my coaching courses haunts me:

Be quiet and let them figure it out

This isn’t easy for a mother who expects over achievement and who harbors some minor control issues.

When it comes to parenting, I really like a set play.

I don’t want to see my kids get a bad grade or damage a friendship. But if my children are to become competent adults (who may or may not play in The World Cup), I must hold my tongue and let them work it out. Even if that means they fail every once in awhile.

Yes, I said it: the “f word.” Our society puts ridiculous emphasis on success, but failure often teaches better than any overbearing parent or coach. We shouldn’t fear it.

So, with lollipop in hand, let me propose three coaching tenants turned parenting tips.

Experience speaks louder than screaming

In a soccer game, if our defense plays the ball in front of our goal, despite my emphatic directions not to, eventually we’ll get scored on. That goal will make a lasting impression; my sideline histrionics will not.

Similarly, in real life, if my child procrastinates on a big project and earns a C for it, next time, he’ll plan better. Nagging will only foster resentment, for both of us.

Find the right time to talk

Usually, kids don’t hear us while they’re in the middle of the action. Just like I won’t give play by play instructions for scoring when the offense attacks, I can’t go into the middle school cafeteria with my daughter and offer tips while that mean girl steals her food.

But I can provide advice. As a coach, I can set expectations and give reminders before sending a player onto the field. As a parent, I can prepare my daughter with strategies for dealing with that mean girl and her minions before morning drop off.

In both cases, I must wait on the sidelines and hope for the best. (Can we say, incredibly hard?)

Lectures lose them

Good soccer coaches speak in one minute snippets, because too much talking leads to daydreaming. Eyes glaze over. Players, and teenage children, detest lectures.

Questions work better because they involve the kids in the problem solving. As a coach or a parent I can ask: What happened? Why? What could you do differently next time?

Of course, I won’t always have the self-discipline to keep my lips zipped. (In fact, I fully expect to fail, but that’s okay, remember?)

I’ll need a big bag of lollipops.

How could you apply coaching to parenting? How has your parenting strategy changed as your kids have gotten older?

Julia loves books and helping people find good stuff to read. She also enjoys writing young adult fiction and posts for her blog, Diary of a Word Nerd. When she’s not playing with words, she’s chasing her four kids or running on the roads near her farm. Find her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.