Go Ask Daddy About New Teams, Hoop Dreams and Screams That Make You Want to Throat Punch


photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

Feels like I’m going all Aristotle lately.

Why this, why that. Philosophy in everything, from my soccer matches to my blog posts to my eggs over easy with a warm tortilla. (I just like to think about breakfast). Kelly McKenzie’s blog, Just Typikel, is to blame for this brain hyperactivity.

She asked why we return to some blogs, but not others.

I’ll tell you why.

The voice

Enthrall me with your voice, and I will read again and again. I can’t get to your every post (unless your name rhymes with Camera Flowman), but if your voice resonates, I’ll be BAAACK.

The response

Want me to go away and never come back? Ignore comments. Not just mine. If I get to a blog and there’s a lot of voices in comments – but not the bloggers’? Tells me I should go read elsewhere.

The sentiment

The incredible tribe that congregates here spurs me to write. Even at 1:27 a.m. when I keep drifting off and dreaming of Amber Heard and cheeseburgers. Show me you care about who reads you, too.

The wherewithal

When a blogger discloses she no longer can write because of life, readers never say, “dammit, girl. Shake it off and post!” We all have hurdles. I will always pull for my faves to find the fuel to keep on trucking.

I’d better put pedal to the metal and answer some of the girls’ questions.

1. Where did Steve Smith go, and does he still have a house in Charlotte?

photo credit: PDA.PHOTO via photopin cc
photo credit: PDA.PHOTO via photopin cc

Steve Smith is a gritty receiver off whom Grace once made $20. He signed with the Baltimore Ravens after the Carolina Panthers cut him during the offseason.

Being fired is a tremendous motivator. You can imagine what it can do for a man whose essence gives him motivation to play with fire anyway. Steve Smith’s new team will host Carolina this Sunday. He promised weeks ago there would be “blood and guts everywhere” when he next faced the Panthers.

He’s since softened the blow, and answered the second part of your question. Smith, a player who has influenced me as a writer more than most others, said Carolina will always be his home.

He still lives here, and makes frequent trips back to see his kids play soccer.

No blood and guts? Check out what he did to Cincinnati Bengals defensive back Adam “Pac-man” Jones. And that was just a new division rival.

2. If the Bills move to Toronto, will they change their name?

buffalo bills
photo credit: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc

Love the sports questions. The Bills will change names if the team moves to Toronto. There’s a lot of T-shirt and licensed car-flag sales at stake.

Back in the day, you kept the name you moved with, even if it made no sense. There’s no Jazz in Utah, but plenty in New Orleans, the team’s original home. A name like lakers makes about as much sense in L.A. as soy burgers and caffeine-free Coke Zero. But fits where they came from, Minneapolis.

The alliterative and historic Buffalo Bills name will suffer a fate much like the American bison. It’ll drift into obscurity and become a circus sideshow when you see one.

Rocker Jon Bon Jovi sure would love to buy the team and move it to Toronto, but he’s a little short on cash. I know the feeling. I’d have liked to buy a bacon cheeseburger and move it to my mouth, but hey, times are tough. Talk about Living on a Prayer.

If JBJ can scare up a few bucks, here are three names he should consider:

Toronto Bad Medicine – Fearsome. How best to vanquish a Patriot or Dolphin? Faulty pharmaceuticals, of course.

Toronto Gecko Fireballs – I can’t take credit for this one. It came from teamnames.net. It’s a random generator I hope more fantasy football owners use than aspiring NFL team owners.

Toronto Arctic Foxes – We need foxes in sports. This would beat other entries such as Geese, Rob Ford Warriors and Biebersauruses.

3. You played basketball?

photo credit: SonOfJordan via photopin cc
photo credit: SonOfJordan via photopin cc

Darn tootin’ I did. I was a power forward. In the fourth grade.

At that age, I had reached my grown-up height. Almost. That boded well for my illustrious career. My coaches were gentle Colorado granolas in jeans and flannel shirts. They made suggestions in practice, rather than bark orders.

We were the first team eliminated in the county tournament, in related news.

One night, I lit up the scoreboard.

It’s good they didn’t drug test that day. I was so hyped on Actifed for my uncontrollable hay fever that I don’t think I blinked or peed for 17 days. I scored like 37 points in a 50-44 (or so) loss. I even canned a shot from the free-throw line – on my knees.

The next game, without benefit of bad medicine (what?), I scored one point and fouled out in the first half. And cried on the bench. The rise and fall of another promising basketball career. Thanks, drugs.

4. Can you use a Red Box code more than once?

photo credit: pheaber via photopin cc
photo credit: pheaber via photopin cc

Sometimes.

I haven’t tried in a while, but I hope someone will – the code BREAKROOM used to give unlimited free movies. I’d just drop the knowledge on peeps while we waited in line. I felt like a Rockafeller.

“You know,” I’d say as the person ahead of me tried to scroll past The Oiijia Experiment before I can notice. “If you enter BREAKROOM as the code, you get that movie … for FREE.” You can imagine the reception. Only sometimes did such generosity result in a shin kick or blow to the sternum.

The ones I get by text or email, though, are one per customer. Which is fine. A sternum takes a while to heal, and the first 17 weeks are crucial.

5. What’s that noise they make at kickoff?

photo credit: San Diego Shooter via photopin cc
photo credit: San Diego Shooter via photopin cc

My guess it was a type-A, extroverted narcissistic masochist who first had the idea. Hey, let’s start a chant of ‘oooooooooooooo!’ as the placekicker approaches and ball. We’ll switch to ‘ah!’ when he kicks it! Thanks, sparky.

It’s among the worst cheers in football. Others:

Block.That.Kick. – Call me biased. I don’t think they’d ever do this at Colorado. Usually, a meaty-necked male cheerleader at Nebraska leads this one. With a megaphone and sweatbands on both wrists. And white pants. Block what kick?

Defense!ThumpThump.Defense! – in a Kohl Center at the University of Wisconsin in an epic, sold out game against Michigan State, it’s imposing. For New Jersey Tech on a Tuesday night? Just annoying.

Seven Nation Army – This White Stripes song is thumbs-upped on my Pandora. It gets me going. Does it get you going? And my Ravens bitterness has faded. But my eyelids still twitch when I hear Baltimore fans harmonize the opening riff.

You heard me, Steve Smith. Ice up, son.

football fan quote

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63 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About New Teams, Hoop Dreams and Screams That Make You Want to Throat Punch

  1. We’re not overtaken by football mania here – we have slowly made a shift to just a hockey and soccer household. Not much football love going on here. I used to LOVE football and really want to pay a little more attention here, if only there were time on TV with all the hockey that is on.

    1. Soccer’s our favorite sport, and even when we’ve tried, we just can’t quit the football. Why did you quit it? The problem with basketball, hockey and baseball is that there’s not a Sunday on the couch devoted to a day of games. They play too often.

  2. I can’t say much about the sport aspect Mate but I know what you mean about visiting blogs. Nothing worse than one that doesn’t interact with readers. We can all drop out from time to time, after all we’re only human, sort of. What I can relate to is a whack in the sternum. I was hit there with a ricocheting .38 special round at the indoor police range one day. Of course it had mushroomed to about .70 and it hadn’t slowed down too much at all. Man it hurt.

  3. I think I understood about a quarter of this post 😀 But no words were needed for the film clip, Steve Smith slams Adam Jones and scores a TD WOO HOO you rock man! My (generic my) football team (rugby league) plays the semi finals tomorrow night. If they win, they are straight into the Grand Final. The last time they won the Grand Final was in 2003. Go the Penrith Panthers!

    1. This one was a little football heavy, right? I watched the video again, and can’t believe he did that – given Jones’ full sprint toward him when Smith grabbed him.

      Here’s to the Penrith Panthers! I hope that if you riot in the streets in celebration, I see you on the news.

  4. Aren’t you giving Toronto a BAD NAME? After all they are the home of the international ice hockey hall of fame!
    Reasons to return to your blog even though there’s a lot of football going on:
    You come across authentic, you don’t try to show off a fake , glamourous happy life, but you also don’t whine or trash people.
    You try to keep it nice and clean around here, no mentioning of binge drinking, vomiting or farting (why do people do that, women no less?)
    Most days you make me laugh, or at least smile. Your mate Laurie doesn’t hurt either 🙂
    I’ll be on the road as of next week, don’t know how much online time I’ll have – but I’ll be back sooner or later!

    1. Halls of fame is a lousy name for a football team, though! Rob Ford definitely gave the city a name, though, didn’t he?

      That’s probably the best compliment you could have given me about the blog. Real. Equal parts unhappy, unruly, unforgiving, and undying hope. At least i hope.

      Funny thing about me: I’ve never been a boy scout, but I have boy scout tendencies. Decorum over comfort level.

      Laurie is like Guillermo to my Jimmy Kimmel. And sometimes he steals the show. That’s fine with me.

      Hope you have good travels!

  5. and listening to your voice is like hearing steve carrell on the radio each and every time. and i mean that in a good way. two things i learned about you from listening to your voice today. 1) you were the lance armstrong of the 4th grade basketball team and 2) you began a red box pay if forward uprising and i’m real impressed by both. oh, and your voice.

    1. I will take that as a compliment! yes, i was shamed and banned and striped of my titles. well, shamed at least.

      i did try to spread the redbox love. and honestly, mostly people were cool with me wanting to give them a free code. i hardly ever really actually looked over their shoulder.

      do you think we have a different voice in responses than in our posts, beth?

      1. i don’t know, somewhat i guess. i think when we respond, we are talking to one person, as opposed to a whole group, some unknown to us, so it probably is a bit different.

    1. That was a shout-out to the adorable Allison Tolman, and the whole Fargo thing. It takes a special kind of woman to love a soccer-coachin’ man.

      See you again soon … and I’ve got your blog on my READ! list now. Yes, it’s in all caps.

  6. I, too, know the feeling of commenting on blogs and not having others return often and admit I have stopped reading and commenting on a few over the years, because of this. Nothing worse then feeling like the following is one sided to be honest. Not saying I am perfect on this, because I can only read so much daily with life intervening here, but still I try my best to read and comment on as many blogs daily that I know are there for me, as well. I guess it is just a reciprocal kind of thing of that makes sense.

    1. I think I’m OK with other bloggers not coming to my blog, actually. I would like, however, to have some engagement when I go there. It’s just bad form to have 17 people comment on a post, with no response from the author.

      It’s like, setting up a kissing booth at the fair and then never being in it.

      (Do they still do that?)

      I just like to hear what a blogger has to say about what I had to say about what she had to say. Per se.

      1. That definitely is the worst and I agree ( love your reference though) that it is totally bad form if a blogger never responds to their own comments on their articles. Just so wrong on so many levels to me.

      2. I think you are among the universe’s best blog advocates and if it weren’t for you and other extremely close comrades, I don’t know if I could keep going, nor would I want to.

  7. Ohmigosh. This made me laugh out loud, Eli. So, so funny. I ditto completely the blogging philosophy wax. Like you, I try to keep up with returning comments, etc. It is getting tougher and tougher to read everybody’s stuff lately, since like everyone, time is always an issue. On the other hand, I also consider it bad manners to expect people to read me when I am not willing (or able!) to return the favour. Excellent advice all the way ’round. Note to self: Read more, write less…
    We don’t have Redbox over here, but my daughter had a sweet deal going with free renewals with a code on LoveFilm (like Netflix). I’m pretty sure she didn’t pay for a single disc in about 3 years. Sweet. (Hey, I’m all about obeying the law. But if they built the loophole, why not jump through?)
    Also, having just returned from the states where I spent 3 happy Sundays basking in the greenish glow of high-def AMERICAN FOOTBALL, with the added bonus of a live Longhorns game thrown i, complete with tailgate party… well, you are making me homesick already. Even if the Broncos did lose in overtime last week. To Seattle, no less. Can I just say one thing here: OFFENSE- thump-thump-OFFENSE… I better slip out of these wrist bands and spandex trousers now. Because, you know… hot flash. 😉 Mother Hen

    1. I know I can’t get to all the blogs I love, all the time. So, when I do get there, I try to make it count. And that’s a big reason I do 6 Words – I want people nice enough to read my blog to know who some of the blogs I love are.

      Tailgating is awesome. I love sometimes walking to the stadium to work and some dude will offer a braut or some such heavenliness. That’s America.

      I was fine with Denver losing to Seattle. The way they came back and shut them down in the second half sent a message. Seattle’s not invincible.

      I think a mother hen in spandex and wrist bands is ever more acceptable than a coed named Lance who is a horticulture major in the same getup.

      1. Hahaha! Ahh yes… Lance. What he has on me in she I make up for with the fact that I’m an actual chick. An old one, perhaps, long past my pullet years, but a chick nonetheless. But I expect our sweat output is more or less on par.

        Can I just say for the record that I can’t stand Sherman? Ohhh… the look on his face when we evened the site… priceless. 🙂 🙂 🙂

      2. Richard Sherman’s talent is overshadowed only by Richard Sherman’s mouth. And that’s saying something. He’s the prettiest princess in the league.

        Especially when his defense gives up the tying touchdown in the waning moments. Surely a talent like Sherman can keep Denver from converting a two-point conversion to tie it, right?

        Surely.

      3. Ha! You are quite right. If he played for us, I could tolerate his mouth. But he doesn’t. Still, we deserved to lose Sunday, though I hate to admit it. Manning needs to lose the glove, I think. Every time he is wearing it, his aim is off. Oh, and then there are the predictable screen plays and up the gut decisions. Good grief. I don’t know who is more to blame for the conservative play calling, but for the minute I’ll blame Fox. Grr. All I can say is it’s a good thing we have a defense this year, because the offense is resting on its laurels and doesn’t seem to realize the whole world has analyzed their playbook. Even me. A Hen. In England. OMAHAAAAAAAA

  8. I may have to cite your explanations on why certain blogs are followed or not. The comments are the biggest part for me, which is why I feel guilty when I see unanswered ones from a earlier this week, never mind a while ago (darn WP notification system!).

    The White Stripes sound good for an otherwise monotonous Friday at work, thanks for the suggestion.

    1. If I love your blog words, I’ll also love your comment words. Sometimes they get by the best of us, NAPR. I once had that song play first thing on my Pandora one day and it made me feel like kicking ass all day.

  9. Bless you for blaming me for the brain hyperactivity!
    Up here in the wilds of Canada I’m not familiar with Redbox so I googled it. Man alive – there are THREE Redboxes near me. WHAT?! I am gonna check them out. Thank you! I’ll let you know if BREAKROOM still works … As for the name of a Toronto team … hmmm. Toronto is a city we Canadians (the ones who don’t live there) love to hate. Smiling at the Rob Ford Warriors. He’s currently undergoing health challenges that we wouldn’t wish on anyone, poor chap, however I think he’d LOVE nothing more than to have the team move there and be named after him.
    As for blog comments – not only do I think it’s key for the blogger to respond to comments I think it’s key for bloggers to read others’ comments. If not for the entertainment value alone. I mean the comments folks write on others’ blogs. Does that make sense? For example – Lyn’s comments above had me smiling. I, too, got 1/4 of your references. And motherhendiaries and her wristbands and spandex trousers line? Love it. Looking forward to your response on that one.

    1. If the code doesn’t work, you’ll be stuck with a bill for $1.07. (That’s $1.19 Canadian). You know, I don’t have any hate for Rob Ford – I wish him the best.

      I’ve found blogs because I liked their comments on another page. I love to see in my stats when people click over because of something I’ve said somewhere else.

      Lyn and Motherhen really brought it today.

  10. Excellent blogging advice! My girls find it hard to believe that I played sports whenI was younger, too. They also assume that playing a sport automatically means I was good at it. 🙂 As for team names, my dad is a huge sports nut and retired high school history teacher. He used to do a lesson with his students on the history/reason behind the names of sports teams. Not sure what the team would be if they move to Toronto, but I ‘m sure he could come up with something pertinent.

    1. Thanks Lisa! Don’t our kids realize the bench won’t warm itself? Team history name could be a course of its own. Ask him what Toronto’s name should be. Something tells me they might try and steal the CFL name of Argonauts.

      What do you say, dad?

  11. Can Camera Flowman be my new superhero name? Yes?
    Ok, it’s weird because I’m reading this around 1:27am and I’m definitely dreaming about cheeseburgers (and hash browns.. because.. breakfast) but I don’t know who Amber Heard is. And I’d go Google her, but I can’t yet, because this is a blog I follow.
    And I have a feeling that she can’t hold a candle to good blogs and cheeseburgers, but that’s the straight female in me talking.
    If I had the RedBox code secret, I’d spread it. People get so happy to save money and cheat the system, even if it’s only a dollar.

    1. I think it’s the name you should give the Mormons when they knock on your door.

      Amber Heard is gorgeous and talented and vibrant, but … cheeseburgers. And hash browns, if you’re up for it.

      I might share a cheeseburger with Amber Heard, but I would never give up reading a good blog for her. Well, at most, postpone. For like, 17 minutes.

      I saw someone put a code on a post-it on a Red Box box. I love America.

  12. “I will always pull for my faves to find the fuel to keep on trucking.” This is why you are a team player, Eli, and this is why people love you. Keep rocking it, friend!

    1. I know when I check in on an old friend and see they haven’t posted in a while, I hope all’s well, first of all, but I really do want them to find their way back.

      You’re sweet to say that Meredith – I’m just glad I’m on your team.

    1. It’s so hard to get to all of them all the time, the good blogs, but I will always find my way back to them, 100% of the time. Does that make sense?

      Red Box is great – you get a scratched up disc every now and then, but they’re quick to give you a free code if you do.

  13. Wow. I’m getting all emotional reading all this back and forth. I’ve just entered in and wowza! What can I say – I’m feelin’ the Blog Luv. It’s like a big, digital, Love Sack with everyone onboard and getting ready to watch outtakes of Gilligan’s Island.

  14. Happy Monday, Eli!
    I’m a bit late to your weekly questions post, but am so happy to read on a Monday. Now, my mind can be free of all the questions that had been cluttering it all weekend!
    I just LOVE that your girls ask about football. You’re raising some awesome ladies!
    Despite all the good (the bloggy question, the football questions and naming techniques), I must admit you made me feel very, very old.
    Actifed?!?! I don’t think I’ve heard that word in about 30 years!!
    Thanks for starting my Monday off right…I think I see something about an awkward yellow kayak sitting in my inbox that I must go read 😉

    1. Same to you Michelle! Glad you made it, and I always keep those Friday questions on ice so they’re fresh for latecomers. It’s a good way to start your week, with Friday stuff.

      I average five questions every time the girls and I watch football together. Did I mention two of them now play fantasy football?

      I didn’t make you feel old – Actifed did. See? Thirty years later, and it has the same side effect on both of us.

      See you at my awkward yellow kayak!

      1. Not bad – I just beat Elise’s team, so she’s 2-2. I’m also 2-2. Grace is 2-1, and has an outside chance to overtake No. 1 in her division if Stevan Ridley and the Patriots defense have huge nights tonight.

        I picked up Larry Donnell, too, and Rashad Jennings a week ago. Love those free-agent boosts! DeMarco Murray looks like a world-beater this season.

        What’s your team name?

      2. Wildcat Picks.
        Go Pats defense! I may forget about football for a while…the Royals are in the post season for the first time in 29 years and I may just need to write something about that!!
        Good luck to Grace tonight!

      3. It’s almost like Haley’s Comet!

        There’s been a lot of lean years in between for K.C. Before there were baseball Rockies, Colorado fans liked the Royals. That was the closest team around.

        Grace needs Stevan Ridley to make like Gayle Sayers tonight.

  15. I just told my Husband that he should read your blog, especially these Go Ask Daddy posts. And the Star Wars pics. He would very much enjoy that.
    Anyway, I can’t bring much to the sports conversation. Although I did watch the movie The Blind Side twice this week. Go figure.
    But I really like your thoughts on what makes us return to blogs. I hate to leave a visitor’s comment hanging without a response – to me, it’s just plain old polite to acknowledge someone who comes to visit. I definitely hate to see blogs where comments are unanswered. Just feels like the blogger doesn’t care.
    I feel similarly to Janine and I’ve stopped following blogs for similar reasons. If you read and comment on a blog and the blogger never comes to you in return, that feels kind of like “ouch.” But maybe not – I guess it depends on the blogger. I have a few readers I know read and comment pretty regularly, but not always, and I on them. The thing is that I know we have a connection and we know it and when we say something to one another, there is meaning behind it. The comments are genuine – make sense?
    And then I’ve seen blogs where even if the blogger does reply to everyone’s comment, there’s still a disconnect. They never read anyone else’s blog except a few select ones that they deem “good enough” for their very limited opinion of what makes a “good” blog and they make that definition very clear. Hey, everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, of course, and it’s unlikely that you’ll love every word that drips from another person’s mind. But to insinuate over and over that you are somehow better than pretty much everyone else? Yeah, that’s a big turnoff. For me, the best part of blogging is the community that develops and behavior like that really just doesn’t foster that. At least not for me. Step outside your comfort zone – check out somebody else’s ideas or style once in a while. You never know…
    Anyway…stepping off my unsolicited soapbox…sorry! But hey, you started it!

    1. Husbands who read me are about as rare as a tender moment in a game of Mortal Kombat. Not sure of the science behind that!

      You’re right – unanswered comments make you wonder if the blogger cares about visits. Here’s what I do: I know I can’t make it to everyone’s blog every week.

      I have a bookmarks folder called !READ. I have a bookmark for everyone who has commented on my blog. I follow so many of you on social media. When I check those accounts and see new posts, I’ll visit then, too.

      I’ve seen that selective answering, too! I mean, sometimes your response is just “thanks for stopping by!” but you should say that. it’s like getting birthday presents at your party, and thanking only a couple guests.

      Glad you spoke your mind, Lisa.

  16. LOVE 7 Nation Army — yes yes yes to Jack White anything.
    How about Toronto Cranium Krusherz?
    Now that our RedBlacks (seriously, get better at name bestowage people) are playing again in Ottawa — should be interesting to see what happens should Toronto get a team.
    I think up here we actually holla “kkkkkiiiiiccckkk…. OFF!” because we are original like that. *audible side eye*

    1. I’m actively trying to separate 7 Nation Army from the Ravens – although I’m over hating Baltimore so much I can’t capitalize Ravens.

      RedBlacks – seriously? What happened to the Argos? I loved when there were like eight CFL teams and two were called Rough Riders.

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