Go Ask Daddy About Impossible Pets, PATs and Comedic Slips


photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

I feel like the kicker who signed with the team just before the Super Bowl.

GAD GRAPHICMonday, the book “Clash of the Couples” debuted. It’s the creation of 46 writers on the science (or art?) of Coupledom. This has been an issue since we fellas gave up the rib in exchange for the fairer sex.

This is 300-plus pages of a series of attempts to document the sanity of it all.

After months of planning and beta reading and editing, it made its debut just this week and has garnered glowing reviews.

I snuck onto the train like a hobo.

As editors, artists and writers put the finishing touches on the compilation, Chris Carter of Mom Café blog reached out to me. They needed one extra piece, a retort to Chris’ diatribe on communication between the sexes. Queue up the dude.

Maybe I’m less backup kicker and more kickass closer, entering the game with a sneer and a wicked slider.

Maybe I’m less backup kicker and more kickass closer, entering the game with a sneer and a wicked slider. Or a grimace and half-ass changeup, either/or.

They said they needed it yesterday. I pulled together my best effort to explain how to communicate with a woman without losing your cajones. This is akin to asking a Mennonite to write a guide to Vegas strip clubs.

I’m as qualified as a reasonable human to teach Black Friday shopping tactics.

Nonetheless, I attacked it with my wicked slider. Okay, half-ass changeup.

Let’s look at something I can Google. Like, Anglerfish.

1.     Can you have an angler fish as a pet?

photo credit: Helder da Rocha via photopin cc
photo credit: Helder da Rocha via photopin cc

Some creatures shouldn’t be pets. When I was a kid, I found an injured pigeon at my grandma’s. I kept it in a cage and named it Bishop. He couldn’t have been happy, and not just because that’s a lousy name for a bird. An injured bird named for a chess piece that can only move front/back and left/right?

It’s tragic, because he couldn’t escape.

And let’s not talk about my pet crawfish, Big Hands.

Bishop belonged in the field where I found him. Big Hands should have stayed in the creek where I found him. Therefore, an angler fish ought to stay in the incredible depths of the ocean.

Real angler fish, like those in Finding Nemo, couldn’t live out of the ocean deep, even for an instant. They live under tremendous pressure from a mile of ocean above them. Let’s leave him where he is.

This is why we have the Discovery Channel.

2.     Is it true if you make a bubble, it’ll come out the shape of the wand?

Bubbles come in every shape – as long as it’s round.

Whether a bubble wand is round, square, star-shaped or molded like Paris Hilton’s head, it’ll always come out as a sphere. The bubble’s skin will always assume the most efficient shape to keep the same amount of air inside.

That’s always going to be a sphere. No matter what, bubbles have no corners.

They’re called minimal surface structures. The shape with the least possible surface area is sphere, not a star, triangle, or Paris Hilton’s head.

3.     Do they ever miss extra points?

Rarely. Is it the most boring play in sports? Or, is that an Oakland raiders punt?

The NFL moved the extra point attempt – which happens after a team scores a touchdown – to 33 yards, from 20. They did this for preseason games.

In 33 preseason games, kickers missed eight point-after attempts.

That’s 94.3% success.

What about in all of last season? Kickers converted 94.3% on PATs.

That’s still better than 90%. I could have done that in a college course or two. Then maybe I wouldn’t buy my shampoo-and-body-wash-in-one at the dollar store.

Here are three options for making the PAT an event worth watching.

1-Who scored the touchdown? Force them to attempt the extra point. I’d like to observe  A.J. Green’s kicking form. Or, heck, Bucs defensive tackle Grady Jackson, and his 345-pound frame.

2-Narrow the width of the uprights. They’re now 18 feet, 6 inches apart. How about half that, at around 9’9”? Better yet, move the goal posts back and forth like one of those duck-hunt machines.

3-Move the extra-point line up a yard, to the 1. This will entice teams to try for two. Or require the coach to kick the PAT. Or team owner. Or shortest cheerleader. Or pick a fan at random.

I should be commissioner.

4.     If you catch a baseball but it hits the ground, is it an out or a hit?

I wish they’d let Colorado Rockies outfielders count them as outs.

The batter must reach first base on a ball hit to the field in fair territory. If the defensive player makes an error or chooses to throw to another base, it’s not considered a hit. Did you know that if the ball hits home plate first, it’s a fair ball?

Home plate is in fair territory. So even if it stops on home plate, it’s in fair territory. And it might even become a hit.

Which might should be the Colorado Rockies’ offensive strategy for 2015.

5.     Can you slip on a banana peel?

You could.

I’ve seen baseball players trip over the first-base line. They might or might not have been wearing purple pinstripes.

It’s better, as might be the case with Rockies outfielders, if you put them in layers. As might be with the tastiest banana bread, the older the banana, the better. Older peels becomes slimy, and add to the slipability.

The Mythbusters busted the myth, despite overwhelming evidence that it works.

One banana peel under a work boot doesn’t equal a comedic fall. But 73 banana peels in a controlled experiment? That’s about as sure as my wicked slider.

Or half-ass changeup.

Either/or.

banana quote

 

 

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62 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Impossible Pets, PATs and Comedic Slips”

  1. Love that you feature bubbles 🙂 Happy Friday!

    C had a picture book where a man slipped on a banana peel. He tore his pants and went to the store to buy new ones. Later in the park he met a lady who gave him a band-aid, and he gave her a rose. The End.

    PS: Amazon should portrait you, too in the “More About the Authors” section!

    1. Had to be done, TG. The kids asked!

      Typical love story. Man slips on banana peel. Man tears pants. Man shops. Man meets woman. Man falls in love.

      I don’t know how people get portraited, but it’s probably for the best if I stay behind the scenes!

      1. I especially love the cinnamon roll and bubble question. There’s just something different to them than, you know, football. Forgive me 😉

        I’m not gonna tell you to try it one day. These banana peels can make people fall and hit their heads badly. I guess the man in the book just got an example of how a sh**** day can turn into a wonderful one.

        So – lacking your portrait – is the book any good? Should I ask Santa to send me one? Any cheesy banana peel stories in it?

      2. Their thoughts are all over the place! They ask the football questions when the football is on TV. Otherwise, it’s stuff like bad words on my blog, or this fun one for a future post:

        “Why do they call it a pair of jeans, when it’s just one?”

        I’m a huge proponent that there’s no such thing as a bad day (especially declared before lunch).

        There are some incredible writers in this book. I’ve read only parts; what I’ve read have been excellent. I’m honored to even be in this crowd, actually.

        Santa ought to deliver it … I stayed away from cheese in my portion, and I don’t want to ruin the rest for you …

  2. I was also reached out to and have been less able to get my stuff together right now having had the kids home from school with half days, Election Day and sicknesses, too. Seriously my kids have been home more then not this week. Also, as Jerry and Kramer would say, “I’m on no sleep!” Yup, been up since 4 am, when Emma woke up coughing uncontrollably. Going to be a long day and most definitely not sure when I will get a chance to read a real book right now sadly.

      1. Hangs my head in shame. No I didn’t but both girls are still home today and I am now starting to feel run down. So at the very least it better become blog fodder!

  3. I’m so glad Chris reached out to you, and was so excited to see your name in the line-up! My copy is in the mail. Yippee!

    I totally agree with you about angler fish. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  4. When my oldest was about 6, she was eating a banana in her playroom and disappeared for a few minutes, presumably to throw away the peel. When she came back, she said “it’s not true what they say about banana peels.” I never got to see her experiment, but it’s one of my favorite memories. Love your pigeon story, though it’s sad in addition to awesome. Bishop is a fine name though. Very regal sounding for a pigeon.

    1. See, that’s probably how Isaac Newton got his start. Experimenting in the playroom. I wonder if she’ll attempt to debunk the theory about pepper and sneezes.

      I let Bishop go after about two weeks in captivity. Pigeons get smellier and smellier. He probably said the same about human boys. He was certainly regal.

  5. ” This is akin to asking a Mennonite to write a guide to Vegas strip clubs.”

    Oh, good one! I may have to borrow that line one day soon.

  6. You always teach me something, dear Eli.
    And did you know that if you Google the word “why,” you get an algorithm that presupposes every existential question?

    I did it today and here are a few of the Google wizard suppositions:
    “Why do I sweat so much?”
    “Why do I dream?”
    “Why is Lucy rated R?”
    and the parental, “Why am I so friggin’ tired?”

    1. It’s almost as good as Science Friday up in here. Almost.

      Answers:
      1-Jennifer Lawrence.
      2-Jennifer Lawrence.
      3-I heard there’s a possible F bomb in that movie.
      4-Jennifer Lawrence.

    1. You’ll find yourself starting sentences with “There’s a Curious George episode … ” more and more, Kim. Which is better than ever saying, “There’s a Suite Life episode … ”

      (And it could be worse. They could be watching Caillou.)

      1. I interviewed Gronk last year on my birthday. Remember the Patriots’ game in Carolina, when Luke Keuchly might have interfered with Gronk in the end zone on the final play.

        We asked him what happened on the play.

        He rocked back and forth.

        “I dunno.”

        Were you interfered with?

        “I dunno.”

        Do you remember the play, Gronk?

        more shuffling.

        “I dunno.”

    1. I bet there’s a blog out there called “A Mennonite on Vegas.” At least we could let the defense have three extra players on the field to make the PAT interesting.

      Gronk could probably put it through while he mouth-breathes.

  7. Bubbles and bananas make me soooo happy! I’m just in the mood to be happy today, so thank you for keeping with that theme here. As for a your half-assed change up? I’m sure it’s more than half-assed and that makes me happy, too.
    *wanders off to check out that coupledom book and to see what I can learn.

    1. Bubbles and Bananas ought to be the name of a PBS kids show. Glad I didn’t go with, say, viruses and poison ivy then, to harsh your mellow.

      My fastball has been mistaken for a change-up, so there’s that. God bless America.

      The Coupledom book ought to be required reading for anyone wanting to be in a couple, in a couple, or never wants to be in a couple again.

      1. I’m on it! Thanks for putting the link on your page…I hope to have some time this weekend when the other half of my coupledom is out bonding and doing man-stuff for his birthday.

      2. LOL! If only you knew how close your prediction was. He spent the day hunting (pheasant) while I cooked, cleaned and baked.
        It was such an old-fashioned birthday, the only thing missing were my Laura Ingalls Wilder petty coats 😉

      3. I know about man stuff. Did you dress and cook the pheasant when he brought it home, too?

        Maybe the blog name should change to “Ma Mick Terry on the Prairie.”

  8. I love bubbles! My friend bought me a bubble machine last Christmas. If you buy one for your girls, highly recommend it for outside use only–unless you want to clean your carpets on a daily basis. But they are so relaxing to watch.

      1. LOL that would be ideal, but I don’t have a carpet shampooer and I live in a granny flat rental. Maybe the answer would be rip the carpet up and mop 😀

  9. I bet if you blew enough bubbles and let the soapy stuff drip all over the banana peel that someone would definitely slip!!!
    Excited that you have a part in the book – I just bought a copy for my Nook earlier this week – can’t wait to read it!!!

  10. You’re in the book!! that’s awesome! congrats!!
    I don’t know about slipping on banana’s, but I do know that they can dry like super glue and stick to … oh, say the bottom of a closet floor where some tiny person may have left it. for months.
    also, if you see fruit flies in your child’s bedroom, you really should investigate that. stat.

    1. Thanks Rore! I got in like the last dude on the elevator. It’s an honor.

      It’s a fun game, foodstuff identification. Dried strawberries in the girls’ closet nearly stumped me. Nearly. Vultures in their room is also an omen.

      1. No vultures around here…. but if bears start gathering outside their window, red flag.
        I think it’s your birthday today dude??!! Happy Birthday — maybe it rain hamburgers and pizza All Day!

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