Go Ask Daddy About Impossible Pets, PATs and Comedic Slips

photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc
photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

I feel like the kicker who signed with the team just before the Super Bowl.

GAD GRAPHICMonday, the book “Clash of the Couples” debuted. It’s the creation of 46 writers on the science (or art?) of Coupledom. This has been an issue since we fellas gave up the rib in exchange for the fairer sex.

This is 300-plus pages of a series of attempts to document the sanity of it all.

After months of planning and beta reading and editing, it made its debut just this week and has garnered glowing reviews.

I snuck onto the train like a hobo.

As editors, artists and writers put the finishing touches on the compilation, Chris Carter of Mom Café blog reached out to me. They needed one extra piece, a retort to Chris’ diatribe on communication between the sexes. Queue up the dude.

Maybe I’m less backup kicker and more kickass closer, entering the game with a sneer and a wicked slider.

Maybe I’m less backup kicker and more kickass closer, entering the game with a sneer and a wicked slider. Or a grimace and half-ass changeup, either/or.

They said they needed it yesterday. I pulled together my best effort to explain how to communicate with a woman without losing your cajones. This is akin to asking a Mennonite to write a guide to Vegas strip clubs.

I’m as qualified as a reasonable human to teach Black Friday shopping tactics.

Nonetheless, I attacked it with my wicked slider. Okay, half-ass changeup.

Let’s look at something I can Google. Like, Anglerfish.

1.     Can you have an angler fish as a pet?

photo credit: Helder da Rocha via photopin cc
photo credit: Helder da Rocha via photopin cc

Some creatures shouldn’t be pets. When I was a kid, I found an injured pigeon at my grandma’s. I kept it in a cage and named it Bishop. He couldn’t have been happy, and not just because that’s a lousy name for a bird. An injured bird named for a chess piece that can only move front/back and left/right?

It’s tragic, because he couldn’t escape.

And let’s not talk about my pet crawfish, Big Hands.

Bishop belonged in the field where I found him. Big Hands should have stayed in the creek where I found him. Therefore, an angler fish ought to stay in the incredible depths of the ocean.

Real angler fish, like those in Finding Nemo, couldn’t live out of the ocean deep, even for an instant. They live under tremendous pressure from a mile of ocean above them. Let’s leave him where he is.

This is why we have the Discovery Channel.

2.     Is it true if you make a bubble, it’ll come out the shape of the wand?

Bubbles come in every shape – as long as it’s round.

Whether a bubble wand is round, square, star-shaped or molded like Paris Hilton’s head, it’ll always come out as a sphere. The bubble’s skin will always assume the most efficient shape to keep the same amount of air inside.

That’s always going to be a sphere. No matter what, bubbles have no corners.

They’re called minimal surface structures. The shape with the least possible surface area is sphere, not a star, triangle, or Paris Hilton’s head.

3.     Do they ever miss extra points?

Rarely. Is it the most boring play in sports? Or, is that an Oakland raiders punt?

The NFL moved the extra point attempt – which happens after a team scores a touchdown – to 33 yards, from 20. They did this for preseason games.

In 33 preseason games, kickers missed eight point-after attempts.

That’s 94.3% success.

What about in all of last season? Kickers converted 94.3% on PATs.

That’s still better than 90%. I could have done that in a college course or two. Then maybe I wouldn’t buy my shampoo-and-body-wash-in-one at the dollar store.

Here are three options for making the PAT an event worth watching.

1-Who scored the touchdown? Force them to attempt the extra point. I’d like to observe  A.J. Green’s kicking form. Or, heck, Bucs defensive tackle Grady Jackson, and his 345-pound frame.

2-Narrow the width of the uprights. They’re now 18 feet, 6 inches apart. How about half that, at around 9’9”? Better yet, move the goal posts back and forth like one of those duck-hunt machines.

3-Move the extra-point line up a yard, to the 1. This will entice teams to try for two. Or require the coach to kick the PAT. Or team owner. Or shortest cheerleader. Or pick a fan at random.

I should be commissioner.

4.     If you catch a baseball but it hits the ground, is it an out or a hit?

I wish they’d let Colorado Rockies outfielders count them as outs.

The batter must reach first base on a ball hit to the field in fair territory. If the defensive player makes an error or chooses to throw to another base, it’s not considered a hit. Did you know that if the ball hits home plate first, it’s a fair ball?

Home plate is in fair territory. So even if it stops on home plate, it’s in fair territory. And it might even become a hit.

Which might should be the Colorado Rockies’ offensive strategy for 2015.

5.     Can you slip on a banana peel?

You could.

I’ve seen baseball players trip over the first-base line. They might or might not have been wearing purple pinstripes.

It’s better, as might be the case with Rockies outfielders, if you put them in layers. As might be with the tastiest banana bread, the older the banana, the better. Older peels becomes slimy, and add to the slipability.

The Mythbusters busted the myth, despite overwhelming evidence that it works.

One banana peel under a work boot doesn’t equal a comedic fall. But 73 banana peels in a controlled experiment? That’s about as sure as my wicked slider.

Or half-ass changeup.


banana quote




  1. Love that you feature bubbles 🙂 Happy Friday!

    C had a picture book where a man slipped on a banana peel. He tore his pants and went to the store to buy new ones. Later in the park he met a lady who gave him a band-aid, and he gave her a rose. The End.

    PS: Amazon should portrait you, too in the “More About the Authors” section!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Had to be done, TG. The kids asked!

      Typical love story. Man slips on banana peel. Man tears pants. Man shops. Man meets woman. Man falls in love.

      I don’t know how people get portraited, but it’s probably for the best if I stay behind the scenes!

      1. Tamara says:

        I especially love the cinnamon roll and bubble question. There’s just something different to them than, you know, football. Forgive me 😉

        I’m not gonna tell you to try it one day. These banana peels can make people fall and hit their heads badly. I guess the man in the book just got an example of how a sh**** day can turn into a wonderful one.

        So – lacking your portrait – is the book any good? Should I ask Santa to send me one? Any cheesy banana peel stories in it?

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Their thoughts are all over the place! They ask the football questions when the football is on TV. Otherwise, it’s stuff like bad words on my blog, or this fun one for a future post:

        “Why do they call it a pair of jeans, when it’s just one?”

        I’m a huge proponent that there’s no such thing as a bad day (especially declared before lunch).

        There are some incredible writers in this book. I’ve read only parts; what I’ve read have been excellent. I’m honored to even be in this crowd, actually.

        Santa ought to deliver it … I stayed away from cheese in my portion, and I don’t want to ruin the rest for you …

  2. ksbeth says:

    congrats, eli. it matters not what time you arrived at the party, but that you found the location and remembered to wear pants.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      thanks beth! nearly forgot the pants, though.

  3. I was also reached out to and have been less able to get my stuff together right now having had the kids home from school with half days, Election Day and sicknesses, too. Seriously my kids have been home more then not this week. Also, as Jerry and Kramer would say, “I’m on no sleep!” Yup, been up since 4 am, when Emma woke up coughing uncontrollably. Going to be a long day and most definitely not sure when I will get a chance to read a real book right now sadly.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Did you get to the polls, Janine? I know you have a mess on your hands right now. Look on the bright side – all this madness is sure to become blog fodder.

      1. Hangs my head in shame. No I didn’t but both girls are still home today and I am now starting to feel run down. So at the very least it better become blog fodder!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        That’s OK. I voted twice.

      3. You are the best and thanks for taking one for the team!

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        Any time. I went full-ballot Libertarian, does that work?

      5. Totally works 😉

  4. Ginny Marie says:

    I’m so glad Chris reached out to you, and was so excited to see your name in the line-up! My copy is in the mail. Yippee!

    I totally agree with you about angler fish. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I was glad to pinch-hit, Ginny. I’ve been reading the first few chapters. There’s great stuff in this book!

      People want to make pets out of the most unpettable things.

  5. byebyebeer says:

    When my oldest was about 6, she was eating a banana in her playroom and disappeared for a few minutes, presumably to throw away the peel. When she came back, she said “it’s not true what they say about banana peels.” I never got to see her experiment, but it’s one of my favorite memories. Love your pigeon story, though it’s sad in addition to awesome. Bishop is a fine name though. Very regal sounding for a pigeon.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      See, that’s probably how Isaac Newton got his start. Experimenting in the playroom. I wonder if she’ll attempt to debunk the theory about pepper and sneezes.

      I let Bishop go after about two weeks in captivity. Pigeons get smellier and smellier. He probably said the same about human boys. He was certainly regal.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    ” This is akin to asking a Mennonite to write a guide to Vegas strip clubs.”

    Oh, good one! I may have to borrow that line one day soon.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’m most proud of the word “akin” in that passage. I dare you to Google “Mennonite guide to Vegas strip clubs.”

      1. NotAPunkRocker says:

        Maybe after work 🙂

  7. Scott says:

    Football would be much more interesting if they did away with the extra-point altogether and required teams to try for two.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Amen brother – and while they’re at it, the NFL should adopt college football’s rules for overtime.

      1. Eli Pacheco says:

        If I become commish, you’re getting season tickets to any team except the raiders.

      2. Scott says:

        Ha! The Bengals are my team, which I hate to admit after last night…

      3. Eli Pacheco says:

        What in the hell was up with the tie with Carolina?

      4. Scott says:

        Ugh….don’t get me started.

      5. Eli Pacheco says:

        A.J. Green is killing my fantasy team!

      6. Scott says:

        That’s on Dalton….that’s who’s killing you. And me.

  8. ieatyoumama says:

    You always teach me something, dear Eli.
    And did you know that if you Google the word “why,” you get an algorithm that presupposes every existential question?

    I did it today and here are a few of the Google wizard suppositions:
    “Why do I sweat so much?”
    “Why do I dream?”
    “Why is Lucy rated R?”
    and the parental, “Why am I so friggin’ tired?”

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      It’s almost as good as Science Friday up in here. Almost.

      1-Jennifer Lawrence.
      2-Jennifer Lawrence.
      3-I heard there’s a possible F bomb in that movie.
      4-Jennifer Lawrence.

  9. ProteanMom says:

    There’s a Curious George episode on bubble shape… oh wow. I think we’ve been watching too much TV. Oh well – that’s what happens when the kids are sick.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      You’ll find yourself starting sentences with “There’s a Curious George episode … ” more and more, Kim. Which is better than ever saying, “There’s a Suite Life episode … ”

      (And it could be worse. They could be watching Caillou.)

  10. firebailey says:

    A Mennonite on Vegas? Now that could be interesting. As far as PATs I am with you. But that is just because I want to see Gronk kick it through the uprights

    1. Eli has the coolest friends!
      I’ll watch Gronk do anything…

      1. Eli Pacheco says:

        I interviewed Gronk last year on my birthday. Remember the Patriots’ game in Carolina, when Luke Keuchly might have interfered with Gronk in the end zone on the final play.

        We asked him what happened on the play.

        He rocked back and forth.

        “I dunno.”

        Were you interfered with?

        “I dunno.”

        Do you remember the play, Gronk?

        more shuffling.

        “I dunno.”

      2. Hey…I’m not saying I want to TALK to him. He can just stand and look pretty and I’ll call the plays 😉

    2. Eli Pacheco says:

      I bet there’s a blog out there called “A Mennonite on Vegas.” At least we could let the defense have three extra players on the field to make the PAT interesting.

      Gronk could probably put it through while he mouth-breathes.

  11. Bubbles and bananas make me soooo happy! I’m just in the mood to be happy today, so thank you for keeping with that theme here. As for a your half-assed change up? I’m sure it’s more than half-assed and that makes me happy, too.
    *wanders off to check out that coupledom book and to see what I can learn.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Bubbles and Bananas ought to be the name of a PBS kids show. Glad I didn’t go with, say, viruses and poison ivy then, to harsh your mellow.

      My fastball has been mistaken for a change-up, so there’s that. God bless America.

      The Coupledom book ought to be required reading for anyone wanting to be in a couple, in a couple, or never wants to be in a couple again.

      1. I’m on it! Thanks for putting the link on your page…I hope to have some time this weekend when the other half of my coupledom is out bonding and doing man-stuff for his birthday.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Man-stuff, like James Bond movie marathons and squirrel hunting?

      3. LOL! If only you knew how close your prediction was. He spent the day hunting (pheasant) while I cooked, cleaned and baked.
        It was such an old-fashioned birthday, the only thing missing were my Laura Ingalls Wilder petty coats 😉

      4. Eli Pacheco says:

        I know about man stuff. Did you dress and cook the pheasant when he brought it home, too?

        Maybe the blog name should change to “Ma Mick Terry on the Prairie.”

      5. That even rhymes!!!
        Since I dressed and cooked the pheasant does that mean it should be Ma Mick Redneck Terry?
        Wait, you don’t have to answer that 🙂

      6. Eli Pacheco says:

        You’re not dressing possum and baking cooter stew, right?

  12. Lyn says:

    I love bubbles! My friend bought me a bubble machine last Christmas. If you buy one for your girls, highly recommend it for outside use only–unless you want to clean your carpets on a daily basis. But they are so relaxing to watch.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Couldn’t you just put carpet cleaner in it?

      1. Lyn says:

        LOL that would be ideal, but I don’t have a carpet shampooer and I live in a granny flat rental. Maybe the answer would be rip the carpet up and mop 😀

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        I think a tile floor with a drain in the middle and stainless steel everything and a big hose would do the trick.

  13. The corker for me? “Asking the Mennonite to write the guide to all things Vegas.” Brilliant.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      For a guest post, I need to find a Mennonite …

  14. Kim says:

    I bet if you blew enough bubbles and let the soapy stuff drip all over the banana peel that someone would definitely slip!!!
    Excited that you have a part in the book – I just bought a copy for my Nook earlier this week – can’t wait to read it!!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      It sounds like a challenge for Myth Busters, Kim. Love that you bought the book – let me know what you think!

  15. Nicki Lewis says:

    These are great! Thanks for sharing

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks for hosting the linkup Nicki – great to check out some other blogs there.

  16. Rorybore says:

    You’re in the book!! that’s awesome! congrats!!
    I don’t know about slipping on banana’s, but I do know that they can dry like super glue and stick to … oh, say the bottom of a closet floor where some tiny person may have left it. for months.
    also, if you see fruit flies in your child’s bedroom, you really should investigate that. stat.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Rore! I got in like the last dude on the elevator. It’s an honor.

      It’s a fun game, foodstuff identification. Dried strawberries in the girls’ closet nearly stumped me. Nearly. Vultures in their room is also an omen.

      1. Rorybore says:

        No vultures around here…. but if bears start gathering outside their window, red flag.
        I think it’s your birthday today dude??!! Happy Birthday — maybe it rain hamburgers and pizza All Day!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Thanks – irony of ironies, I had neither pizza nor hamburgers on this holiest of days.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.