I played disc golf Tuesday, went to my first Zumba class Wednesday, and took yoga for the first time in ages on Thursday.
Friday, I’ll eat pizza. You know, balance of the universe and all.
I can handle this every week, I know it. But, right now, both my ankles feel like whipped cream. It feels like the dude behind me rammed cayenne pepper and staples under my left shoulder blade and patted it down to keep it in place.
And it’s not safe to freebase Ibuprofen, you know.
Then there was this:
It’s all right, though. Nothing a heating pad or ice pack won’t fix right up. And random.org gave me a kick-ass five-pack of questions to answer today. So let’s let the crickety guy’s joints settle and get right down to it. Savvy?
1. What are gravity-defying seats?
My seat sure didn’t defy any gravity during the bridge pose 45 minutes into yoga.
Gravity-defying seats, also known as zero-gravity seats, were NASA’s idea. They replicate a gravity-free environment to take the stress off your back, pelvis and torso. It keeps the driver in a neutral position to combat commute fatigue. They were not available on 2003 Pontiac Grand-Ams, though.
With a 60-minute commute and chaturangas to consider, I could use all the help I can muster.
Editor’s note: A chaturanga is not related to a chimichanga. I know, right?
2. What’s all that beeping at a Dallas Cowboys game?
It might be angry motorists trying to escape the parking lot after that Thanksgiving Day stinker.
Every stadium has quirky sound effects, traditional songs and other shenanigans during football games. Denver Broncos fans chant “in-com-PLETE!” when the opposing quarterback tosses an incomplete pass. (Happens a lot to Philip Rivers there.) “Boom Boom” plays when the Carolina Panthers score a touchdown at home (Doesn’t happen a lot this season).
When the opposition receives a penalty, the PA at AT&T Stadium plays the sound effect of a delivery truck backing up. You know, that annoying beeping sound.
In related news, “We Are the Champions” plays when Dallas’ division rival wins a Super Bowl in the Cowboys’ billion-dollar new home.
3. Why does NASA race?
This is cute. I won’t say which kid emitted preciousness.
NASA stands for National Aeronautics and Space Administration. They used to race the Russians to fly into orbit, land on the moon, whatever they could get their rockets on. Americans and Russians play nice on the International Space Station. Even with the stress over advances in Crimea and Ukraine.
Did you know Russia bills us $70 million every time they tote a Yank to the Space Station on a Rooskie Rocket? We need to fire up a space shuttle. That’s a lot of rubles for gas money.
NASCAR is the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. They race cars that look like models you could buy at a local dealership. It all started with skilled drivers making moonshine runs through the North Carolina foothills. It’s gone from redneck to high-tech. They race, and go fast, but not NASA fast.
Both have lost heroes. NASA had Christa McAuliffe, the teacher who died when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded in 1986. NASCAR lost Dale Earnhardt in a crash during the Daytona 500 in 2001.
It’s precious that you got them confused, Grace.
4. What would you do with that much money?
We go right from high tech and aeronautics to …
a pineapple under the sea.
Spongebob Squarepants inspired this one. In the episode “Porous Pockets,” Spongebob comes into a fortune by selling a pearl he mistakes for a volleyball. He gains prestige and friends in his newfound wealth, and shuns best friend Patrick at the height of it. (I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s a swell lesson).
According to the Spongebob Wiki (yes, there is one!), Spongebob’s haul is “billions of dollars.”
I also learned this is the second episode to feature kelp jerky. And that John Steinbeck’s “The Pearl,” or biblical parable “The Prodigal Son” could have inspired the show. Deep, eh?
Oh! The billions. Here’s what I’d do with billions.
- Build us a house by the sea, with a sound-proof writing room up top. It would also have a floor with a soccer field, an indoor disc golf course, and two kitchens. We’d have our football room that could also double for the James Bond movie marathon room.
- I’d set up trust funds. Your kids and kids’ kids and their kids’ kids’ kids will be able to go to college, even if they go there to learn to write Spongebob Squarepants episodes.
- We’d start a kick-ass soccer academy for any kid who wanted to play club soccer. But it would be free. We’re talking home and away kits, top-notch facilities, and the right kinds of coaches. Our colors would be sky blue and forest green. Not that I’ve dreamed about this.
5. What if nobody voted?
CNN would blow up.
And NPR would eschew my favorite stories. Like Sally Herships’ piece about the thrill of the shopping hunt to outline the rules of the Electoral College.
(If other favorite Lizzy O’Leary did a segment on it, that’d be all right with me.)
Besides a surplus of “I voted” stickers, here’s what we’d have: An election held by the House of Representatives. If no one voted, none of the candidates would win any state’s popular vote. Thus, they wouldn’t have the states’ electoral votes necessary to win the election.
But this is ‘merica, where a man has the right to choose elected officials. Or poke fun at the Dallas Cowboys, or take off his shirt and get sunburned while watching a stock-car race.
Or hit up the cantina for a Dos Equis, chips and queso on the way home from a grueling bout of Zumba.
God bless America.