Go Ask Daddy About Racin’, Beepin’ and Votin’


photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc
photo credit: leg0fenris via photopin cc

I played disc golf Tuesday, went to my first Zumba class Wednesday, and took yoga for the first time in ages on Thursday.

Friday, I’ll eat pizza. You know, balance of the universe and all.

I can handle this every week, I know it. But, right now, both my ankles feel like whipped cream. It feels like the dude behind me rammed cayenne pepper and staples under my left shoulder blade and patted it down to keep it in place.

And it’s not safe to freebase Ibuprofen, you know.

Then there was this:

It’s all right, though. Nothing a heating pad or ice pack won’t fix right up. And random.org gave me a kick-ass five-pack of questions to answer today. So let’s let the crickety guy’s joints settle and get right down to it. Savvy?

1. What are gravity-defying seats?

photo credit: clement127 via photopin cc
photo credit: clement127 via photopin cc

My seat sure didn’t defy any gravity during the bridge pose 45 minutes into yoga.

Gravity-defying seats, also known as zero-gravity seats, were NASA’s idea. They replicate a gravity-free environment to take the stress off your back, pelvis and torso. It keeps the driver in a neutral position to combat commute fatigue. They were not available on 2003 Pontiac Grand-Ams, though.

With a 60-minute commute and chaturangas to consider, I could use all the help I can muster.

Editor’s note: A chaturanga is not related to a chimichanga. I know, right?

2. What’s all that beeping at a Dallas Cowboys game?

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

It might be angry motorists trying to escape the parking lot after that Thanksgiving Day stinker.

Every stadium has quirky sound effects, traditional songs and other shenanigans during football games. Denver Broncos fans chant “in-com-PLETE!” when the opposing quarterback tosses an incomplete pass. (Happens a lot to Philip Rivers there.) “Boom Boom” plays when the Carolina Panthers score a touchdown at home (Doesn’t happen a lot this season).

When the opposition receives a penalty, the PA at AT&T Stadium plays the sound effect of a delivery truck backing up. You know, that annoying beeping sound.

In related news, “We Are the Champions” plays when Dallas’ division rival wins a Super Bowl in the Cowboys’ billion-dollar new home.

3. Why does NASA race?

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc
photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

This is cute. I won’t say which kid emitted preciousness.

NASA stands for National Aeronautics and Space Administration. They used to race the Russians to fly into orbit, land on the moon, whatever they could get their rockets on. Americans and Russians play nice on the International Space Station. Even with the stress over advances in Crimea and Ukraine.

Did you know Russia bills us $70 million every time they tote a Yank to the Space Station on a Rooskie Rocket? We need to fire up a space shuttle. That’s a lot of rubles for gas money.

NASCAR is the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. They race cars that look like models you could buy at a local dealership. It all started with skilled drivers making moonshine runs through the North Carolina foothills. It’s gone from redneck to high-tech. They race, and go fast, but not NASA fast.

Both have lost heroes. NASA had Christa McAuliffe, the teacher who died when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded in 1986. NASCAR lost Dale Earnhardt in a crash during the Daytona 500 in 2001.

It’s precious that you got them confused, Grace.

Oops.

4. What would you do with that much money?

photo credit: andres musta via photopin cc
photo credit: andres musta via photopin cc

We go right from high tech and aeronautics to …

a pineapple under the sea.

Spongebob Squarepants inspired this one. In the episode “Porous Pockets,” Spongebob comes into a fortune by selling a pearl he mistakes for a volleyball. He gains prestige and friends in his newfound wealth, and shuns best friend Patrick at the height of it. (I won’t spoil the ending, but it’s a swell lesson).

According to the Spongebob Wiki (yes, there is one!), Spongebob’s haul is “billions of dollars.”

I also learned this is the second episode to feature kelp jerky. And that John Steinbeck’s “The Pearl,” or biblical parable “The Prodigal Son” could have inspired the show. Deep, eh?

Oh! The billions. Here’s what I’d do with billions.

  • Build us a house by the sea, with a sound-proof writing room up top. It would also have a floor with a soccer field, an indoor disc golf course, and two kitchens. We’d have our football room that could also double for the James Bond movie marathon room.
  • I’d set up trust funds. Your kids and kids’ kids and their kids’ kids’ kids will be able to go to college, even if they go there to learn to write Spongebob Squarepants episodes.
  • We’d start a kick-ass soccer academy for any kid who wanted to play club soccer. But it would be free. We’re talking home and away kits, top-notch facilities, and the right kinds of coaches. Our colors would be sky blue and forest green. Not that I’ve dreamed about this.

5. What if nobody voted?

photo credit: meg's my name via photopin cc
photo credit: meg’s my name via photopin cc

CNN would blow up.

And NPR would eschew my favorite stories. Like Sally Herships’ piece about the thrill of the shopping hunt to outline the rules of the Electoral College.

(If other favorite Lizzy O’Leary did a segment on it, that’d be all right with me.)

Besides a surplus of “I voted” stickers, here’s what we’d have: An election held by the House of Representatives. If no one voted, none of the candidates would win any state’s popular vote. Thus, they wouldn’t have the states’ electoral votes necessary to win the election.

But this is ‘merica, where a man has the right to choose elected officials. Or poke fun at the Dallas Cowboys, or take off his shirt and get sunburned while watching a stock-car race.

Or hit up the cantina for a Dos Equis, chips and queso on the way home from a grueling bout of Zumba.

God bless America.

Of course voting is useful. But then again, I don't put a big glow to it. Voting is about as essential as washing yourself. It's something you're supposed to do. Now, you can't go around bragging, expecting to get props because you voted. That's stupid. Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/chuckd187671.html#xTfSmGWg8GfMYlCx.99

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39 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Racin’, Beepin’ and Votin’”

  1. I now have a mental image of you, a la Captain Jack Sparrow, eating chips and queso, savvy?

    Voting is important – especially on the local level. I’m feeling all pro-voting, probably because I’ve been watching Parks and Rec. Oy.

    1. You should see me walk like Captain Jack in the middle of Target. It’s happened.

      I’ve never seen Parks and Rec. What am I missing? Voting’s all kinds of fun. Although, the last time I went, machines were buzzing all over because folks didn’t complete their ballots, so they didn’t count.

      And they still got a sticker.

      1. Haha! Oh, Target…

        Parks and Rec took a few episodes to get into, but now I’m so hooked. It’s kind of like The Office, but in a small gov’t Parks department. The characters are each so quirky and endearing – it is worth watching.

        Ballot machines and people… Well, any machine and people. There will always be beeping.

    1. Yes, Zumba. Spin class is at 7 a.m., and I can’t do that because I take Elise to school … no typo. Luckily, the room has frosted glass.

      I really think a joint venture between NASA and NASCAR is in order. Can you imagine? Sponsorship on rockets and races in space; jet packs and zero gravity on the racetrack. This could work!

  2. I adore that you got a dig into Philips into this post 🙂 I also like that you made sure you put in the Zumba and Golf before mentioning the pizza thinking you would get away with us not trying to hold you accountable!

    1. I decided to change it up, and toss the jab at the Chargers and not the raiders. It feels to me as if the Zumba and the disc golf warrant the reward of pizza. I promise, I won’t eat more slices than my age. Promise!

  3. HaHa – so funny about NASA and Nascar – definitely something to remember!!!
    My boys love SpongeBob – I have nightmares about the annoying voice!!!
    Great job on all those workouts this week!!!

    1. Maybe NASA and NASCAR could merge someday.

      If you watch SpongeBob, the noise isn’t as bad. But if you’re, say, working from home or trying to make dinner, it feels like waterboarding for your eardrums.

      (I really think it was made for stoners, that show).

      Thanks Kim – it’s a start. I feel good though. Really good. Despite the soreness.I’ll get right back to it next week.

  4. Gotta love your house with two kitchens and a James Bond room! Oh, and the writing room on top!
    I think your Zumba experience calls for a whole separate blog post! It’s actually one of the subjects that every blogger needs to write about at some time in their lives, I hear. Yours will be unique because there’s gonna be nachos with cheese afterwards 🙂

    1. Sounds like a pretty cool design, right? I think only the coolest kids come up with these kinds of thing. Let’s hope the Zumba post isn’t an emergency-room post.

      What are the other bucket-list topics? Because I’ve already written one about one of my kids pulling down my pants in public.

      Can you imagine a Zumba class that offers margaritas and chips and queso afterward? Where do I sign up?

  5. love the Zumba.
    have you tried the Pilates thing yet? I think I really messed up my shoulder doing something…. I don’t know, all these cricks and clicks just showed up after age 40.
    but you know I am totally getting some chips and queso now.

    1. The Zumba loves me.

      No to Pilates yet, but if they offer it at work, I’ll give it a go. Did the Pilates bust up your shoulder? I feel like if I keep contorting and twisting stuff, I’ll stay young.

      Few days don’t warrant chips and queso.

      1. I don’t know what happened…. I was upside down, but then twisted in some kind of advanced warrior pose, and then a very audible “click” and it’s been sore ever since. I will say though…. I am much more “bendy” now than before. So there’s that.
        And for the record, I went full on natcho. hot peppers even. 🙂

  6. Love the Jack Sparrow there, Eli. And that is indeed the terrible never-ending circle of Zumba. I think it’s why I stopped Zumba-ing.

      1. Yup, that’s my theory.
        Since you used savvy here, I tossed it in conversation with my Kidzilla once or twice and she thinks it’s hysterical. Wait till she sees the character himself – kind of humor that cracks her up.

  7. Ibuprofen is the only drug I freebase! Drat.
    Ok, I would pay a lot of money to see you in a Zumba class. What music did they play?

    1. Some guys make it rain in the club.

      I choose to make it snow on my blog.

      (But we still manage to grill out and play soccer around here. Blog snow is better than real snow because you don’t have to shovel it.)

  8. I’m probably Eli binging today…I have so many of your posts in my inbox it is ridiculous but starting my day with one was a brilliant idea. I love the whole thing (and learned some interesting football sounds trivia even about my second least fave team in the NFL, Dallas) but I have to tell you I got a tiny bit choked up at your billion dollar plan. Sounds perfect!

    1. Be sure to keep antacids on hand … side effects of Eli binging include messy hair, crumbs on your keyboard, and, in severe cases, heartburn.

      The sound you might hear most from the Cowboys Stadium is that of underachievement – but could be the year that all changes?

      It’s amazing what you can do with a mere billion bucks, isn’t it Sandy? I’d send you a shirt.

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