Sometimes, a dude just has to switch girls.
The miles just catch up with a girl. It’s not her fault. It’s not like we don’t appreciate the miles and months and memories we spent together. You reach a comfort level. It’s hard to know where you end and she begins.
You meld together, learn each other’s idiosyncrasies. You’ve taken care of her. She’s taken care of you. You keep her in the style she’s accustomed to. You invest in her. You know how she feels, how she handles the curves of life.
She keeps you safe and sound.
But if something goes wrong with her, a guy must make that tough decision: Time to trade her in for a newer model? If she’s too far gone, no one else will want her. It’s time to sell her for scrap.
Something beautiful can come of this, though.
In this case, I would never have been able to get my Gabi. She’s white, by the way. She’s also a Pontiac Grand-Am. 2003. Without the money I’d gotten for her predecessor – an unnamed Grand-Am, this one maroon – I’d never have my Gabi.
The car Gabi replaced was on the girls’ minds for this week’s round of Go Ask Daddy questions.
1. Did we donate your old car to the junk cars?
That would have been a noble finish, wouldn’t it?
How cool would it be if, when the holy Lord calls Gabi back to that great open highway in the sky, I could donate her? The official NPR tow truck can come pick her up. Click and Clack could fix her up and resell her. NPR could cash in to fund the stellar work of Kate Davidson, Sally Herships, and Lizzie O’Leary.
But, no. Instead, we sold Gabi’s older sister, who got melted down. I got about $400 in the deal.
That gave me money to put toward Gabi.
The circle of life applies to automobiles, too.
2. Do you have to be a certain age to get a restraining order?
What kind of stuff are they showing on Disney Channel these days?
According to the Family Violence Law Center website, the minimum age is 12 to get a restraining order. It’s a court order meant to protect you from abuse, harassment, stalking or threats. They’re meant for family or someone close to you. The person cited has to stay at least 100 yards from you.
This one’s not even the right place to be clever. Here’s hoping you never, ever must take one out.
Dad might be short and unarmed, but … he’s fierce when it comes to his girls.
3. Why are there different time zones?
Time zones are part of a conspiracy to keep kids from watching playoff baseball or Monday Night Football on a school night.
Back in the day, before Pontiacs were even invented, people set their clocks based on the sun and stars. This was well before we drew lines on the globe to keep the world order tidy. How tidy? Consider that there are exactly 24 regions longitudinal lines split up on the globe, and 24 hours in a day.
Mind … blown.
These longitudinal splits are each 15 degrees wide. Time zones begin and end at the Greenwich Meridian. This line runs right through Greenwich, England. Each time zone is an hour apart, which makes it possible for it to be sunrise in San Antonio and lunch time in Sable Island, Canada, all at once.
Let’s not even get started on Daylight Savings Time.
4. If a team on defense catches the ball in the end zone, is it a touchdown?
Let’s say the San Francisco 49ers drive deep into New York Jets’ territory. Jets fans scream and holler for their defense, even with a 96.6% probability San Francisco’s going to score. But let’s say Colin Kaepernick throws off his back foot, and Jets safety Jawan Landry intercepts the pass in the end zone.
Landry falls to the ground, and 49ers wide receiver Michael Crabtree touches him down.
It’s New York’s ball on its 20 yard line.
You can score only in the opponent’s end zone, not your own. Scoring in your own end zone would be like liking your own Facebook post or following your own blog. Anyway, there’s a 47.3% chance the Jets are just going to punt it back in three plays. And a 33.7% chance they’ll throw an interception right back.
5. If something non-living touches poison ivy, then you touch it, will you get poison ivy?
And you thought being a Jets fan makes you itchy.
You don’t have to chase your golf disc into the weeds or pick the wrong leaf to wipe with on a camping trip to feel the anger of poison ivy. The itch is an allergic reaction to the oil of a plant called urushiol. This nasty juice can stay potent for a long time, on just about any surface.
Gardening tools, gloves, and soccer balls can carry the oil. Bikes, shin guards, and trombones. Pontiac bumpers, Jets jerseys, and restraining order papers can. Watches, potato chips, prison forks.
Diplomas, fishing licenses, May the Force Be With You boxer shorts, debit cards, and blue jeans can carry the juice.
You can even catch it from Colin Kaepernick.
Even if he throws into double coverage.