Go Ask Daddy About RG3 and Pricey Honey


EJP
EJP

Tiny stupid keyboard.

I’m only 43, and yes, I wear progressive lenses. I’m not like, “get the hell out of my yard!” old. I can still shoot jump shots and jog. But these dadburn iPhone keyboards are for the birds. I mean, really. Let a hummingbird have at it.

We’re talking buttons so tiny two can fit under a Pez.

I know the Millennial generation grew up with touchscreens and the sharing economy and it’s just how y’all roll.

I can’t put a split-shot fishing weights onto Grace’s fishing line without muttering a string of blue language in the process. Tiny stuff is dumb. I can deal with the fine print and numbers on pills. And I have a steady hand.

Need proof? I could take out the Writer’s Cramp in the game Operation 10 times out of 10, even with a German chocolate cupcake in one hand.

These days, though, I need a stylus to navigate that Lilliputian smartphone keyboard. I realize this is right up there with other telltale signs of aging, or, at the very least, diminished competence with life. Such as:

  • Terminator-style sunglasses that wrap around your prescription glasses
  • Anything fiber that you take on purpose
  • Beaded car seat covers
  • Reader’s Digest, big-print edition
  • A walker
  • A kid at your elbow to explain to you what terms such as in your grill, BAE and Naw dip mean

Just … let me tap in peace. And get the hell off my lawn.

1. What’s the difference between the iPhone4 and 4s?

iphoneTechnology is very wow. To me, iPhone4 is cutting edge. It’s as technologically advanced as the self-scanner at Harris-Teeter that can tell if I’ve typed in 1 donut but have 2 in the bag.

The 4S has a dual-core, Apple A5 processor.

That’s like way better than the 4’s single-core, Apple A4 processor. I’m not just faking it here. It’s like the difference between school-lunch pizza and a Village Idiot pie. The iPhone 4S is so much more powerful.

But I bet the keyboard is still a bitch.

2. Is there an age limit for the Olympics?

photo credit: zennie62 via photopin cc
photo credit: zennie62 via photopin cc

No age limit in the Olympics, and there are no penalties for using a stylus, either.

The Olympics have no age restrictions. Specific sports federations might have rules regarding age. These International Federations are the watchdogs for their sports. They ensure their sports adhere to the rules of the Olympic Charter. It’s like the sporting version of feudalism.

So technically, Grace, you could compete for your country in the Olympics even before you’re tall enough to ride the Peanuts Pirates ride at Carowinds.

Just be sure your dad’s in a seat close to the action.

3. Did RGIII hurt his thigh or his knee?

photo credit: Keith Allison via photopin cc
photo credit: Keith Allison via photopin cc

Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III hurt his knee. He also hurt his ankle.

Griffin, center of trade speculation after this season, has torn the ACL in his right knee twice. He did it once in college, at Baylor, and again in his rookie season of 2012.  This season, he dislocated his left ankle, but returned to the field weeks later, because there was no bone fracture.

Fans have seen Griffin’s injuries in the pros over and over.

You’ve seen them. Griffin told Sporting News after the ankle injury that it was “excruciating pain. Any time you look at your ankle and it’s going in a strange direction, you don’t want to get up.”

Say what you will about RG3’s durability and toughness. Even his accuracy. In Washington’s playoff loss to Seattle, Griffin played until he couldn’t. A knee brace didn’t stop him. A visit to the team’s on-sideline examination shack didn’t stop him.

Despite pain and concern from teammates, Griffin gave all he had for every moment he could. If the Redskins trade Griffin, Grace’s favorite player, he’s going to win there. Just watch.

4. Why don’t Buddhist monks wear shoes?

photo credit: sctatepdx via photopin cc
photo credit: sctatepdx via photopin cc

It’s not just the monks.

In and around temple grounds, you’re supposed to take off your shoes. Gotpassport.org lists the do’s and don’ts of visiting a Buddhist temple. Don’t point at anything with your feet, keep your legs covered (at least to your knees), and don’t touch Buddha statues on the head, or belly, no matter what.

It’s a matter of etiquette, but also of the Buddhist canon of doing no harm to any living being. It wouldn’t do for a Buddhist monk – or any Buddhist, but especially a monk – to squash a bug. Some carry a feather broom to clear their footpath of bugs.

5. How much does honey cost?

photo credit: fortinbras via photopin cc
photo credit: fortinbras via photopin cc

Honey butter is $4.99 at nuts.com (careful there). Vitacost.com sells a 22-ounce jar of raw honey for $6.39. For $16.95 on eBay (with free shipping!), you can buy something called a honey bee extractor. I don’t even want to know.

Walmart has it for $5.98 for their brand of Clover honey. It’s even in a bear-shaped bottle. Organic honey is $21.60. It’s made by the crunchiest bees in Tamara Bowman’s hometown.

But even the highest end crunchy New England honey is no match for a batch of Elvish honey from Turkey.

Odditycentral.com says it’s about $3,400 – a pound. Spread that on your toast and eat it. The come from bees that live deep in the bowels of a cave. It’s mineral-rich, seven-year-old honey.

It’s worth tons more with a little age on it, apparently. Like scotch. And me, maybe? Yeah. Like me.

honey quote

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50 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About RG3 and Pricey Honey

  1. 4 and 4s? Get a 6 (not 6+), it’s a little bigger. And that technology is crazy! lol (I honestly thought you were joking when you first started there.)

    I’ve been a Redskins fan for a long, long time. I hope he doesn’t get traded but if he does, I’ll bet you’re right…

    1. You know how when you see video from third-world countries, and people there wear styles from about 10 years ago, and still drive Datsuns?

      Well, that’s me, when it comes to technology. To me, iPhone 4 is the latest and greatest in modern progression. I feel like a secret agent.

      Maybe Washington could sent Bob Griffin 3 to the Bears for Smokin’ Jay Cutler. I have a feeling Tennessee, Houston and Arizona will also be out to get a quarterback.

  2. Well, getting on in years are we Mate? I use a stylus it helps although predictive text is still a bummer. Now that’s expensive honey, I guess with a price like that you’re really getting stung.

    1. I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was. What’s dangerous is that I know predictive text will save me, so I’m not even careful.

      Isn’t this how mankind degrades into the bowels of laziness and the earth comes to an end?

      You’re definitely getting stung at that rate, Laurence. Some folks have the means, though. Why, just yesterday, I upgraded from store-brand barbecue sauce to a name brand that was on sale.

      I’m like, Daddy Warbucks all of a sudden.

      1. Aren’t we all as good as we thought we were? me, I’m a legend in my own lunchbox. Mate, you’re lashing out, leaving store brand sauce out of your basket. What’s the world coming to Daddy Warbucks?

  3. Was so picturing you rocking that stylus and know you make it even that much cooler, because it is you using it my friend. And as for iPhones, you educated and schooled even me on this today – who knew 😉

    1. I can use it without my tongue sticking out even. If kids weren’t so young, they might think I was using a Blackberry.

      I had no idea about the power of the 4S either. Honestly? I still don’t know the difference. Maybe the kids can teach me.

  4. As a lifelong Redskins fan, RGIII has been such a roller coaster. I feel bad for the guy. And After 20 years of mediocrity (okay, awfulness) I have lost hope that the Redskins will ever return to their 80s glory. Yet every summer they convince me that THIS year, they have the answer. *sigh*

    1. Is it possible to be on a DC football team in 2014, as coach or quarterback, and not ride the rollercoaster? That team just seems destined for continuous strife.

      And Dan Snyder isn’t even in the headlines anymore!

      You always have to have hope. As a Colorado Rockies fan, I’m telling you this. If a Rockies fan can hope …

      It just ain’t easy to win.

  5. I have always loved RGIII–even when he was at Baylor playing against the Wildcats (though, our defense destroyed him that year). I hate that injuries keep happening–my husband called it even when he was in college–said that his heart was way bigger than his body…sounds like my son!
    Glad to know that I only have 1 of the 6 signs of being old.
    (what the heck is naw dip??)

    1. I’d rather have a skinny kid with a huge heart running my offense than a drop-back game manager, any season.

      I think he’ll continue to fight, and no matter where he plays, will find a level of success. It’s also what I hope for for him.

      He’s Grace’s favorite player. She’s not a Redskins fan, and I’m not sure exactly what it was about him. I think it’s the excitement he can bring to a game, and really, his humility too. Cam Newton is fun to watch here in Charlotte, but I think RG3’s approach feels more relatable to a 10-year-old soccer star.

      Naw dip: It’s the kids’ way of saying “no shit!” One out of six? You’re like, a college girl.

      1. Yes, yes and yes!! What a great role model.
        I’m so bummed…my son’s baseball number is 28 and we have several purple and yellow 28 jerseys laying around here. It kind of broke his heart when AP went south.
        Thanks for the info on naw dip…I had NO idea!!

      2. RG3 really is, even the way he’s handled all this adversity.

        As for the No. 28 jersey … I always wondered what I’d do if one of the girls’ heroes went bad. They have a few. Elise is a Colin Kaepernick and Tim Salmon fan. Grace, of course, with RG3. Marie, with Larry Fitzgerald, and, to an extent, Aaron Rogers. Luckily, those are pretty good dudes all around.

        Actually, the girls made a Mii for Tiger Woods before his incident. When it happened, they made the decision to delete him. I watched them pick him up by the head, and drop him into the recycle bin.

        Now you’ll know what’s being said when you hear naw dip! (or you could use it and sound cool.)

  6. Team Android here, which I know helps you not a bit, but if swiftkey is an option to replace the stock keyboard, I suggest getting that.

    I didn’t realize the age guidelines were sport-specific, though that makes the most sense. I remember years ago when Bela Karolyi was going off about China sending gymnasts who weren’t 16 yet. Of course, there was no proof but it would’t be a Karolyi Olympics without a tantrum of some sort.

    1. I’ll look for the Apple version of swiftkey. Thanks!

      And then there’s sometimes the controversy over the tallest foreign kid at the Little League World Series. Hey, there’s always a story.

  7. I think I could handle the small keyboard if it didn’t feel the need to auto correct me all the time – my boys make fun of my slow texting/typing on the keyboard but I can out type them on a computer (and outrun them!!!) so…..
    RG3 – I like him and hope that he can move past the injuries – don’t want to see his career cut short!!!

    1. I know! Fingers on the home keys, I’ll kick the kids’ butt every time.

      I thought you might have an appreciation for Bob Griffin 3, as a Texas girl. I think he’ll play and star somewhere. I’d love for him to come to Denver and learn from No. 18 for a year or two.

  8. My sister has the jumbo iPhone 6. It is huge. Too huge if you ask me. However, I am jealous of the way she no longer needs to squint at the screen. Just think of the ease on those wrinkles … And I adore Kim’s comment above. I can whip the pants off my kids when it comes to the computer keyboard too…

    1. That’s like a tablet, Kelly. Might as well use my laptop. Wait, I squint at my laptop sometimes, too.

      I wonder if kids get on a qwerty board and struggle because the program doesn’t save their butt every time with predictive text.

  9. I was going to say it before you said it!
    If I want raw and local honey, there is a beekeeper about a 5-10 minute walk through my woods.
    Remember when I walked through my woods and ran into a llama? (of course you do. you inventory my photos) Well. The llama farm has bees too.
    And bees make honey.
    And I eat honey.

  10. At 45 I’m an old…thanks. regarding phones, I was asked why I still use an EVO shift…re honey, the elusive “they” say local where you live (duh) is best at keeping you healthy from allergies, regardless of price. Hmm. Love your posts and hope you are okay, Eli.

    1. No, we’re no old … we’re well aged, like over-priced honey. I loved it when kids wanted to look at my old-fashioned flip phone. Yeah, go visit the Smithsonian.

      I do love some local honey, and lucky for me, local doesn’t mean Turkish. Because my mom might not buy me any then.

      So great to see you here again … I’m doing great, and I hope you are too.

  11. Okay, I’m 66 (but who’s counting). I turn my smartphone sideways to type because the touch qwerty keypad is larger that way. But I’m of the Samsung Galaxy 3 camp. The dimensions are larger than an I-phone but not as large as a I-pad mini. I use a stylus for playing games sometimes, but forget about predictive txt, that can get you into a whole heap of trouble.
    Trading one of your players? And the management get money for it to boot? Sheesh, and here’s me thinking slavery had been abolished.
    I love honey spread on brown, brown bread for my supper at nine. But there is no way I’m going to eat something that come from the bowels of anything be it mineral-rich, seven-year-old honey or not. We have a small bee keeper’s supply store (that is, the store is small, not the bee keepers) just down the road and they sell pure honey — yum!

    1. Meh, it’s just a number, Lyn. Elise suggested I go with the sideways keyboard, but I still get jumbled. I saw that they have tablets for seniors. Maybe I should consider one.

      They usually swap player for player, but money is sometimes included. I bet a bag of baseballs has been thrown in a trade before. Or a side of beef.

      I found bowels an odd choice of words on that website, but there you have it. That’s just a crappy way to put it, yo.

  12. Silly, you should have known that I could tell you all about “bae” (i.e Chris Evans, Kesha prime examples).
    Honey is quite expensive, especially considering it is basically bee vomit. mmmm, spread it on your toast now. 🙂
    I have the iPhone 4S and let me tell you, ever since the last software update, it is no longer fast and it crashes constantly. Santa Bae?? 😉

    1. BAE is BAE, know what I mean?

      I wonder if people tried other animals’ vomit before the arrived at the bee’s? Maybe a mockingbird or rhino.

      Santa BAE might just bring me a spare stylus for my iPhone 4. I’d be OK with that. Can’t you take it to that Apple store and get a brand new one?

  13. Honey really IS expensive. What is with that anyway?
    I find my eyes less and less cooperative every day, it seems. I’m convinced it’s one of my RA meds (which legitimately can affect vision) and so I ask my eye doc every time I go, “Is it the meds? I know it’s the meds.” And every time I do that, he says, “Nope. You’re just over 40.” My last visit was awesome. He hinted very clearly at bifocals. Awesome. And because he’s a funny guy, at the end of my last visit, he put up a really blurry letter chart. “What the heck was that for?” I asked. “Nothing. Just showing you your future.”
    Honestly.

    1. They talk about the land of milk and honey, and although milk isn’t cheap, honey’s right up there in the luxury category. I wonder if the dollar store carries it.

      Your eye doc is quite the wise acre. I remember being told my vision wouldn’t be its perfect 20/20 after 40 – I didn’t believe it, because it took me until 42.

      There isn’t even really a good retaliation for an eye doctor that I can think of at 7:36 a.m. Give me time.

    1. That’s right Tamara – not in the temple, at least. I learned a lot in that post, about how non-Buddhists act offensively without really thinking about it.

      The bear shape makes the honey price not hurt so much.

      1. Good thing I have never been to a Buddhist temple then. But I occasionally did it at Chinese or Thai restaurants. At least it didn’t bring bad luck.
        Note to self: no belly touching whatsoever in 2015.

        PS: Beaded car seat covers, E?

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