Tiny stupid keyboard.
I’m only 43, and yes, I wear progressive lenses. I’m not like, “get the hell out of my yard!” old. I can still shoot jump shots and jog. But these dadburn iPhone keyboards are for the birds. I mean, really. Let a hummingbird have at it.
We’re talking buttons so tiny two can fit under a Pez.
I know the Millennial generation grew up with touchscreens and the sharing economy and it’s just how y’all roll.
I can’t put a split-shot fishing weights onto Grace’s fishing line without muttering a string of blue language in the process. Tiny stuff is dumb. I can deal with the fine print and numbers on pills. And I have a steady hand.
Need proof? I could take out the Writer’s Cramp in the game Operation 10 times out of 10, even with a German chocolate cupcake in one hand.
These days, though, I need a stylus to navigate that Lilliputian smartphone keyboard. I realize this is right up there with other telltale signs of aging, or, at the very least, diminished competence with life. Such as:
- Terminator-style sunglasses that wrap around your prescription glasses
- Anything fiber that you take on purpose
- Beaded car seat covers
- Reader’s Digest, big-print edition
- A walker
- A kid at your elbow to explain to you what terms such as in your grill, BAE and Naw dip mean
Just … let me tap in peace. And get the hell off my lawn.
1. What’s the difference between the iPhone4 and 4s?
The 4S has a dual-core, Apple A5 processor.
That’s like way better than the 4’s single-core, Apple A4 processor. I’m not just faking it here. It’s like the difference between school-lunch pizza and a Village Idiot pie. The iPhone 4S is so much more powerful.
But I bet the keyboard is still a bitch.
2. Is there an age limit for the Olympics?
No age limit in the Olympics, and there are no penalties for using a stylus, either.
The Olympics have no age restrictions. Specific sports federations might have rules regarding age. These International Federations are the watchdogs for their sports. They ensure their sports adhere to the rules of the Olympic Charter. It’s like the sporting version of feudalism.
So technically, Grace, you could compete for your country in the Olympics even before you’re tall enough to ride the Peanuts Pirates ride at Carowinds.
Just be sure your dad’s in a seat close to the action.
3. Did RGIII hurt his thigh or his knee?
Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III hurt his knee. He also hurt his ankle.
Griffin, center of trade speculation after this season, has torn the ACL in his right knee twice. He did it once in college, at Baylor, and again in his rookie season of 2012. This season, he dislocated his left ankle, but returned to the field weeks later, because there was no bone fracture.
Fans have seen Griffin’s injuries in the pros over and over.
You’ve seen them. Griffin told Sporting News after the ankle injury that it was “excruciating pain. Any time you look at your ankle and it’s going in a strange direction, you don’t want to get up.”
Say what you will about RG3’s durability and toughness. Even his accuracy. In Washington’s playoff loss to Seattle, Griffin played until he couldn’t. A knee brace didn’t stop him. A visit to the team’s on-sideline examination shack didn’t stop him.
Despite pain and concern from teammates, Griffin gave all he had for every moment he could. If the Redskins trade Griffin, Grace’s favorite player, he’s going to win there. Just watch.
4. Why don’t Buddhist monks wear shoes?
It’s not just the monks.
In and around temple grounds, you’re supposed to take off your shoes. Gotpassport.org lists the do’s and don’ts of visiting a Buddhist temple. Don’t point at anything with your feet, keep your legs covered (at least to your knees), and don’t touch Buddha statues on the head, or belly, no matter what.
It’s a matter of etiquette, but also of the Buddhist canon of doing no harm to any living being. It wouldn’t do for a Buddhist monk – or any Buddhist, but especially a monk – to squash a bug. Some carry a feather broom to clear their footpath of bugs.
5. How much does honey cost?
Honey butter is $4.99 at nuts.com (careful there). Vitacost.com sells a 22-ounce jar of raw honey for $6.39. For $16.95 on eBay (with free shipping!), you can buy something called a honey bee extractor. I don’t even want to know.
Walmart has it for $5.98 for their brand of Clover honey. It’s even in a bear-shaped bottle. Organic honey is $21.60. It’s made by the crunchiest bees in Tamara Bowman’s hometown.
But even the highest end crunchy New England honey is no match for a batch of Elvish honey from Turkey.
Odditycentral.com says it’s about $3,400 – a pound. Spread that on your toast and eat it. The come from bees that live deep in the bowels of a cave. It’s mineral-rich, seven-year-old honey.
It’s worth tons more with a little age on it, apparently. Like scotch. And me, maybe? Yeah. Like me.