Every time I look at the NFL playoff picture or listen to any of those talking heads on TV (not you, Stacy Dales. Love ya mean it!), I feel like I’m getting a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking.
Everyone with a microphone and great hair can’t wait for the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks to meet in the Super Bowl. What’s the over-under on overdone praise?
Can commentators announce every Marshawn Lynch run by bellowing “MAR-SHAWN LYNCH!!!!!”? (For 2 yards. But holy hash marks, the guy is just a professional. Never mind that he treats Skittles better than he does reporters.)
We’ll hear about the genius of Bill Belichick and competitive fire of pretty boy quarterback Tom Brady. Don’t know how much the players love to play for Pete Carroll? You’ll learn all about it.
Don’t even ask about the hype machine that is Richard Sherman.
I’m not bitter, but here are three Super Bowl matchups I’d much rather see:
Carolina Panthers vs. San Diego Chargers
If these teams were entries in a chili cook-off, they’d win, despite dollar-store beans and 60/40 ground beef. The underdog part of me wants the last seeds to make it all the way every year anyway.
Arizona Cardinals vs. Indianapolis Colts
Arizona is Marie’s team. And not since Super Bowl III in 1969 has the game featured teams in white helmets. (The 10-year-old boy in me thrives on this stuff.)
Anybody in the NFC vs. Denver Broncos
Because Denver’s my team. Beating Seattle or Dallas would be particularly nice. Like I said, I’m not bitter or anything. I’d take Detroit or Carolina here, too.
On to the post-Christmas Go Ask Daddy questions:
1. Is Mick Jagger old?
At 71, Mick Jagger rocks on.
This post can’t even hold what he’s done in those 71 years. He’s been the front man for The Rolling Stones longer than I’ve been alive. Drug use and a romantic flowchart that would baffle the hell out of the senior class at MIT mark Jagger’s lifeline.
He has a daughter my age and a son your age, Madison, and five other kids. The Daily Mail featured photos of Mick having a kickabout with his teen son in New York. He’s cavorted with a ballerina less than half his age, and rockers like Bon Jovi laud his energy.
He’s a Dionysian archetype, with eternal youth. His story isn’t all happy, but there’s an element my parents could associate with. And if Maroon5 wants to move like him and Kesha will kick us fellas to the curb unless we look like him … who are we to argue that?
2. Do Super Walmarts have restaurants in them?
Some do. The Walmart Super Center I went to yesterday had a grungy Subway in it filled up like a Stones concert, with just a bit less pot.
I’ve seen Walmarts with McDonald’s in them, too. That might be the epicenter of the phenomenon known as the Dollar Menu That Costs $1.49. I suppose the ambiance of Sam Walton’s mega dream store is enough to push the price of an all-beef patty.
My glasses came from a Walmart vision center. I bought them, then I picked up cat litter and milk. This is America after all.
3. How many left-handed quarterbacks are in the NFL?
We’re a dying breed, outdated as Hammer pants and antiquated as flip phones.
I never surrendered the dream of becoming an NFL quarterback. The time I kicked a 25-yard-field goal in my 40s at Bank of America Stadium only fueled the fire. (I could be a throw-back to the days of the two-position player, right?)
I’ll be your backup, Cam Newton. Until you’re mine.
My hero, Jim Zorn, was a left-hander.
(He still is, but he’s just not an NFL quarterback anymore.)
Tim Tebow was the last lefty taken in the first round (2010). Coaches push little lefties with strong arms to baseball, where they will make more money. NFL teams invest in a colossal left tackle to protect a right-handed quarterback’s blind side.
They don’t spend much on that right tackle.
So Tim Tebow, Jim Zorn and I are available for birthdays and bar mitzvahs.
4. How do they know so much about items on the Antique Road Show?
I’ll be on this show someday, watch. As soon as my Star Wars stuff is ARS worthy.
Even the brainiest among us must Google. I’ve done it for 99.349% of the Go Ask Daddy questions. So too do the Antique Road Show experts. (Hi Victoria Bratberg!) For three hours of taping, they record 12 hours of appraisals from as many as 6,500 guests.
With Google and help from friends, an expert can give an appraisal on the air, on the spot. Those who bring the item don’t know the value until it’s given on air. No matter if it’s a small fortune, or worth about as much as a left-handed quarterback.
5. Will does colossal mean?
Colossal is like the hype of Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch combined. Colossal is like Peyton Manning finally winning another Super Bowl. Colossal is how I’d describe how cool The Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” was to me when I was a kid.
Colossal is definitely T-Rex, Jennifer Lawrence, and bacon cheeseburgers. Colossal is also Denver losing to the St. Louis Rams this season. The Rams!
Colossal is any of these five finds on the Antique Road Show. Our brains. Our brains are definitely colossal. Love’s pretty big, too.
Colossal is anything massive, enormous, gigantic, giant, mammoth, vast, immense, or monumental. Like that pizza, we ordered in Charleston that one time, that the server brought a separate table for it. Yes, my dears, that was colossal.
Colossal is Tim Tebow to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime in the playoffs against Pittsburgh. Or the job of having to mop Walmart Super Center floor.
Or your Go Ask Daddy list, which had reached almost 300. It’s a massive job to answer these questions.