Go Ask Daddy About The Stones, Southpaws and Stupendous, Tremendous Things


EJP
EJP

Every time I look at the NFL playoff picture, or listen to any of those talking heads on TV (not you, Stacy Dales. Love ya mean it!), I feel like I’m getting a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking.

Everyone with a microphone and great hair can’t wait for the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks to meet in the Super Bowl. What’s the over-under on overdone praise?

Can commentators announce every Marshawn Lynch run by bellowing “MAR-SHAWN LYNCH!!!!!”? (For 2 yards. But holy hashmarks, the guy is just a professional. Never mind that he treats Skittles better than he does reporters.)

We’ll hear about the genius of Bill Belichick and competitive fire of pretty boy quarterback Tom Brady. Don’t know how much the players love to play for Pete Carroll? You’ll learn all about it.

Don’t even ask about the hype machine that is Richard Sherman.

I’m not bitter, but here’s three Super Bowl matchups I’d much rather see:

Carolina Panthers vs. San Diego Chargers

If these teams were entries in a chili cook-off, they’d win, despite dollar-store beans and 60/40 ground beef. The underdog part of me wants the last seeds to make it all the way every year anyway.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Indianapolis Colts

Arizona is Marie’s team. And not since Super Bowl III in 1969 has the game featured teams in white helmets. (The 10-year-old boy in me thrives on this stuff.)

Anybody in the NFC vs. Denver Broncos

Because, Denver’s my team. Beating Seattle or Dallas would be particularly nice. Like I said, I’m not bitter or anything. I’d take Detroit or Carolina here, too.

On to the post-Christmas Go Ask Daddy questions:

1.     Is Mick Jagger old?

photo credit: oddsock via photopin cc
photo credit: oddsock via photopin cc

At 71, Mick Jagger rocks on.

This post can’t even hold what he’s done in those 71 years. He’s been the front man for The Rolling Stones longer than I’ve been alive. Drug use and a romantic flowchart that would baffle the hell out of the senior class at MIT mark Jagger’s lifeline.

He has a daughter my age and a son your age, Elise, and five other kids. The Daily Mail featured photos of Mick having a kickabout with his teen son in New York. He’s cavorted with a ballerina less than half his age, and rockers like Bon Jovi laud his energy.

He’s a Dionysian archetype, with eternal youth. His story isn’t all happy, but there’s an element that my parents could associate with. And if Maroon5 wants to move like him and Kesha will kick us fellas to the curb unless we look like him … who are we to argue that?

2.     Do Super Walmarts have restaurants in them?

photo credit: JeepersMedia via photopin cc
photo credit: JeepersMedia via photopin cc

Some do. The Walmart Super Center I went to yesterday had a grungy Subway in it filled up like a Stones concert, with just a bit less pot.

I’ve seen Walmarts with McDonald’s in them, too. That might be the epicenter of the phenomenon known as the Dollar Menu That Costs $1.49. I suppose the ambiance of Sam Walton’s mega dream store is enough to push the price of an all-beef patty.

My glasses came from a Walmart vision center. I bought them, then I picked up cat litter and milk. This is America after all.

3.     How many left-handed quarterbacks are in the NFL?

photo credit: Jeffrey Beall via photopin cc
photo credit: Jeffrey Beall via photopin cc

We’re a dying breed, outdated as Hammer pants and antiquated as flip phones.

I say we because I don’t think I ever surrendered the dream of becoming an NFL quarterback. The time I kicked a 25-yard-field goal in my 40s at Bank of America Stadium only fueled the fire. (I could be a throw-back to the days of the two-position player, right?)

I’ll be your backup, Cam Newton, until you’re mine.

My hero, Jim Zorn, was a left-hander.

(He still is, but he’s just not an NFL quarterback anymore.)

Tim Tebow was the last lefty taken in the first round (2010). Coaches push little lefties with strong arms to baseball, where they will make more money. NFL teams invest in a colossal left tackle to protect a right-handed quarterback’s blind side.

They don’t spend much on that right tackle.

So Tim Tebow, Jim Zorn and I are available for birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

4.     How do they know so much about items on Antique Road Show?

photo credit: Muffet via photopin cc
photo credit: Muffet via photopin cc

I’m going to be on this show someday, watch. As soon as my Star Wars stuff is ARS worthy.

Even the brainiest among us must Google. I’ve done it for 99.349% of the Go Ask Daddy questions. So too do the Antique Road Show experts. (Hi Victoria Bratberg!) For three hours of taping, they record 12 hours of appraisals from as many as 6,500 guests.

With Google and help from friends, an expert can give an appraisal on the air, on the spot. Those who bring the item don’t know the value until it’s given on air. No matter if it’s a small fortune, or worth about as much as a left-handed quarterback.

5.     Will does colossal mean?

photo credit: NoIdentity via photopin cc
photo credit: NoIdentity via photopin cc

Colossal is like the hype of Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch combined. Colossal is like Peyton Manning finally winning another Super Bowl. Colossal is how I’d describe how cool The Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” was to me when I was a kid.

Colossal is definitely T-Rex, Jennifer Lawrence and bacon cheeseburgers. Colossal is also Denver losing to the St. Louis Rams this season. The Rams!

Colossal is any of these five finds on Antique Road Show. Our brains. Our brains are definitely colossal. Love’s pretty big, too.

Colossal is anything massive, enormous, gigantic, giant, mammoth, vast, immense, or monumental. Like that pizza we ordered in Charleston that one time, that the server brought a separate table for it. Yes, my dears, that was colossal colossal.

Colossal is Tim Tebow to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime in the playoffs against Pittsburgh. Or the job of having to mop Walmart Super Center floor.

Or your Go Ask Daddy list, which had reached almost 300. It’s a massive job to answer these questions.

Colossal, even.

colossal quote

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51 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About The Stones, Southpaws and Stupendous, Tremendous Things

  1. Scary to think the reach Mick Jagger has. I mean my mom is closer in age to him and would say he is her contemporary and yet I have loved his and The Stones music as far back as I can recall and now out kids are getting to know him, too. So, definitely can say his music spans across generations and that my friend is a feat in itself! Happy Friday and one day post Christmas, too 🙂

    1. It’s pretty incredible, Janine. Bon Jovi even marveled at the dude’s energy. The Rolling Stones always manage to remain cool, and even Tamara’s Des has a Stones T-shirt.

      Happy Friday and post Christmas to you Janine – I just heard Christmas music in the furniture mart.

  2. Hope y’all had a Merry Christmas!

    M can switch hit and throw, both equally well. I wish I had thought out a better plan to have gotten him into baseball, even if it meant suffering through some of those team mom conversations.

    1. We did Sheena – hope you did too!

      The switch-hitting impresses me, although there are some things I do surprisingly well with my right hand. I hope there’s a team mom post somewhere in your archives you can send me a link to!

  3. Go Lions! Sorry, had to. Mick Jagger rocks…I nearly spit out my tea at the question. I would have expected Keith Richards would have been the subject of that one.

    1. I hope things fall into place for the Lions to become the NFC’s top seed. See you in the Super Bowl! Can you imagine, the Lions in the Super Bowl?

      And did you see the Avs’ shootout win against the wings the other night?

      My girls probably don’t know Keith Richards, because Kesha and Maroon5 don’t sing about him.

      1. The Lions in the Super Bowl would rock. I didn’t see the shootout but heard about it…boo…of course you’re saying yay…I’ve vaguely heard of Kesha but couldn’t pick her songs out of a lineup. TMZ was having a field day with her (don’t judge, was at the dealership and that was the choice of the tv buffet). :0)

      2. If Denver doesn’t make it, I will root for Detroit. Given the Avs’ lack of success in the last, well, decade, I will take any opportunity to brag when I can.

        Kesha’s kind of a big deal in my Pandora, along with Norah Jones, Cher Lloyd and Jules Day. She dropped the $ out of her name and is on the straight and narrow.

      3. Haha. Take the win however you can. The only way it will.really count is in Stanley Cup Finals. Detroit Lions in the big bowl would be awesome.

        Will need to Google the music. I’m an if it rocks gal…love swing and motown. Open to listen to anything!

      4. Here’s the thing about Kesha – she sings stuff I hope my daughters never do, but she has an IQ better than 140 and scored a 1500 on the SAT. Some apply genius to science and medicine; others, to driving boys crazy in the club.

      5. Hawks v Avs tonightand I’m *gulp*rooting for the Avs…

        Idk about IQ. Mine is up there but I’m called stupid all the time. It’s just a matterof perception.

      6. I’m sorry…mean that with sincerity. Need to find footage of the Nyquist goal that my phone will support. My mom said it was the most amazing and beautiful goals that she’s ever seen. *cursing car extra*

  4. Mildly confused… if Zorn’s your hero, how is it that Denver’s your team? 🙂 He’s measurably responsible for Hasselbeck and good QBs since. Two cents from a lonely 12th man now living in the Southwest’s High Desert. Forever a ‘Hawks fan.

  5. Firstly Mate, let me use this forum to wish you all a Merry Christmas. In all the foofaroo leading up I don’t remember if I did or not. Secondly you may come right back and say, happy birthday Laurie for today, and send a colossal pizza. It would be mega if you could get one of the Stones to deliver it. I’m waiting for the day they come out on stage with their Zimmer frames. I know zip about American football but I applaud you for kicking that far at forty. I on the other hand would probably break my toe or something similar.

    1. Merry Christmas to you too, mate – a sweltering one this year? And happy birthday, Laur – it’s a national holiday back in England, right-o?

      I’d ask Keith Richards to deliver your pie, but no telling where he’d end up. How can you get any Satisfaction if the pie never arrives?

      I think pills take the place of the Zimmer frames, Laurence. Not that I’m advising that ….

      It sadly was one of my greatest moments athletically, that field goal. Who am I kidding? THE greatest.

      1. Bearable mate, bearable. When I left England they decided to revert back to celebrating Christmas seeing that I was no longer in country. Who knows where Keith would end up, probably bring along more than pie though. If he could find his way. Nothing like having a GREAT moment in life mate and all done without dangerous substances.

    1. Amen to that Lisa! I hate to cheer negatively, so I’ll conveniently root for anyone who plays them – even Dallas! Christmas and the time off has been awesome for us … busy, but I know we’ll have a day of do-nothing before the kids’ breaks are over.

  6. Now I want pizza. 😛

    Not just any pizza, either. There’s this local store that makes an amazing pie. Mmm….

    Football, huh? I’vegone to a couple of games, but when I couldn’t for the life of me figure out the rules (and the die-hard fans with me couldn’t explain them), I quit going. Other sports make much more sense. Ah well. I guess if there was good food and company, then I could overlook the lawless nature of the game.

    1. Now I want pizza isn’t even a necessary sentence to me.

      Local stores are the best. I think you should go there and have three – one for you, one for baby, and one for me.

      I’m a good football teacher, Kim. I should have printed you out some sheets of phrases to utter to make you feel at home, such as:

      “No one’s covering the slotback!”

      “These passes aren’t going to work against the Cover 2!”

      and

      “I’d go play-action on this play … ”

      Good food? Good food makes a big difference. I’d watch cricket if the chow was up to snuff.

  7. Eli I am always amazed at the way your mind works. I am sort of like this, but not showing such a colossal mind or such wonderful array of subjects. Did you find Melissa under the mistletoe? Ha ha! I like her commercials for WalMart, she could meet you there…. ha ha!

    1. Science must be amazed, too, because scientists have tried to taze me unzip my head. These girls’ questions go everywhere, don’t they?

      No Melissa under the mistletoe. But I didn’t check at Walmart. Definitely next year.

  8. No way that Mick Jagger is old – we are all getting younger and younger.
    My oldest son is a leftie – I will let him pitch in for the cause of left-handed QBs!!!

    1. You have to be right, Kim. He’s like that teacher our parents had and then we had, and our kids will have, but he stays just as cool.

      It wouldn’t seem too difficult just to put that prized tackle on the other side of the line and go with a lefty quarterback, right?

  9. Mick Jagger has still got it…. It’s Keith I am worried about. I mean, I honestly think he’s actually dead and they just keep moving him around like in that movie Weekend at Bernies. I mean….just.. how….??!!
    Our Walmart has a MacDonald’s. Which is why I never take the kids there when I need to shop. But is great for me to pick up a coffee while I get the cat litter, crayons and milk. I have colossal shopping needs. 😉

    1. We shouldn’t worry about Keith. The dude has lives 37 lives, and if he’s already dead, he probably slipped peacefully. Whatever the Stones took back in the day, it works.

      Your colossal shopping needs should be taken seriously, Rore. If I owned Walmart, it would be free coffee to moms, not only for the swoony ones.

      My kids in the grocery store are a disaster. They’re always hungry and impulsive. Where do they get that?

  10. Football bores me. *Ducks down* It’s just a bunch of padded men jumping on each other in my eyes.

    Ahh WalMart. We have eaten in a McDonalds in a WalMart. It was fun to watch all the various people come in.

    1. Amber, you know this is a safe place, even for non-football fans. Hell, I even let red wings fans and democrats say whatever they want here.

      Padded men jumping on each other is right though – my girls asked when the first watched it, “why do they always run in the middle of the pile? If they went to the side, there’s more space there.” True.

      I think a good Walmart has a bar with prime viewing to Walmart people-watch. People-watching is good sport in itself, but at Walmart, it’s like Mardi Gras.

  11. If Mick Jagger is old, what does that say about Tina Turner? Last month she celebrated her 29th birthday, and while other people receive gifts on their birthdays, she generously purchased Christmas lights for her village. Price: an estimated quarter million.

    The other day I heard about a study how listening to music influences your studying. Obviously “I can’t get no satisfaction” enhances any creative project you’re working on, as the 145 beats per minute stimulate your right cerebral hemisphere. Looking for a boost while doing math? “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake is your song. This explains a lot, don’t you think?

    1. If there were a rock n’ roll old-folks home, they’d have a helluva band. Class move by Tina – I didn’t know about that!

      I like the music study. I know when Kesha comes on my Pandora, I feel motivated. I feel reflective and creative when Norah Jones does. And I relax with Jules Day.

      All of Justin Timberlake’s songs sound the same to me. Kind of like Maroon 5.

  12. Sorry I’m a year late here, but.. you know.. cookies and all.
    So first of all, you know that Des has an amazing Stones shirt or two.
    Also. This is how much I know about football. Me, the other day: “Wait, didn’t the season just start last week?”
    Cookies and all.
    To find a McDonald’s in a Walmart. Wow. I mean, or I could go to the farmer’s market for some kale soup.
    Decisions.

    1. I should have brought up cookies as a valid reason during my mid-year job review. So legit.

      I do know of Des’ T-shirt collection, and not-so-secretly wish you’d write a post with some of the coolest ones.

      Maybe that you’re not a Patriots fan makes you endearing, and also that football statement.

      Cookies – gotta be the cookies.

      Do they even have a Walmart in your crunchy town? There’s no kale soup in our Walmart, but I’m sure you could get a heat-and-serve pizza, Valentine’s candy and 10W-30 motor oil all in one stop!

      1. There is a Walmart. And when you go in there, it just proves the theory that when in Walmart, do Walmart. The people there are the ones you would find in a Walmart anywhere else. It’s actually amazing.

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