Go Ask Daddy About Football, Bad Words and Double Trouble


photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)
photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)

Elise has the capacity to annoy.

GAD GRAPHICThat’s stellar. She’s best at it when she’s in goalkeeper gloves and a ponytail. It’s a blast to watch. She’s a self-proclaimed midfielder stuck in goalkeeper gear. You wouldn’t guess it when she slides out at girls’ feet and sweeps away their harmful intents.

One day she kept one of the conference’s best teams scoreless with those antics.

In a tight game, little details get magnified. I’ve told the girls that every time you swipe away a scoring opportunity, you tilt the game ever so slightly. Soon enough, you begin to capture bits of their soul. It’s dramatic, for sure. Sports make for compelling theater.

Anyway, back to Elise’s annoyance of the high-scoring team.

She slid out on a girl’s feet once and came up cradling the ball. The spurned would-be scorer stomped toward Elise on the ground. I feared something dastardly lurking. “F*** you!” she screamed at my girl, who popped up with a smile on her face.

Elise held up a loose hand to her adversary, as if she held something. The girl shook her head and retreated upfield.

I heard that girl drop the F bomb on you!” I said afterward.

“Right?” Elise said with a smile. Her team lost the game. However, a scoreless match at halftime resulted in their side yelled at with vitriol during the break.

“What did you say to her when you got up?” I asked.

“Remember what you said about stealing a little bit of their soul?” she said. “I told her, ‘Your souls. I’ve got your souls, b*tches!’”

What? It makes a dad proud.

1. What does the rest of the world call our football?

photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)
photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)

The world, in its centigrade and metric-measuring ways, calls our football “American football.” Americans call it Canadian bacon and White Russians. And would you just call them Jumping Beans in Guadalajara? Can Canadian bacon just be bacon in Ottawa?

Do Colombians just call it coffee?

We’re the ones who wear armor. Americans play football with our feet for extra points, kickoffs, punts and field goals only. Hell, kickers hardly even wear pads.

In our parallel universe, Americans came up with a name for football. We differentiated it from what the rest of the world played. A version of football, Rugby Football, and was later shortened to Rugger. A pint or two later, a random wanker said “soccer,” and, Bob’s your uncle.

The rest of the world hates us for calling soccer soccer. Hell with it.

2. Why does the Hulk’s shirt tear up, but his pants don’t?

photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)
photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)

Probably Elise took a little of his soul, too.

Bruce Banner’s transformation from scientist to raging green menace costs countless Van Heusens. He goes through them the way the New York Jets rifle through mediocre quarterbacks. Or the Jacksonville Jaguars rip through unused game tickets.

The Incredible Hulk doesn’t ever lose his trousers. It’s written in the Comics Code. The Code specifies that comic book characters and their activities remain child-friendly. An angry thrashing Hulk pulverizing all in sight? Neat. He’s way cooler than Marshawn Lynch, for instance.

Wonder Woman’s outfit qualifies as acceptable, though.

What if tirades turned me green and grumpy and ruined my oxfords,? I’d wear stretchable trousers in the name of modesty. I’m not prone to tirades that turn me green and grumpy, though. I’d hold onto the stretchable trousers, for buffets.

I ruin enough oxfords there, anyway.

3. Can you say ‘shit’ on your blog?

photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)
photo credit: Friday via photopin (license)

What the??

Search the term shit in my blog. It yields eight results! Once, I used sh*t in a headline (and it still turned up in the search.) A Google search for coach daddy shit reveals I rank in the top two spots for that search term! Excellent, right? Hope Solo ass and man unzip also rank in my search terms.

There should be a Blogging Code, too, to prevent that shit.

4. Does it smell bad in the locker room?

photo credit: the_80s via photopin (license)
photo credit: the_80s via photopin (license)

I’ve never gagged in there.

Images scorch themselves into my retinas. Linemen ought never to bend over on their way to the shower.) For a room of 53 sweaty men, it’s not stinky. Not even as stinky as the corner of the house where your soccer bags hang.

The University of Oregon’s swanky football locker room features stink-resistant lockers. They funnel away the funk from sweaty Ducks. Presumably it gets piped all the way to the University of nebraska.

5. Can twins have twins?

photo credit: Just woke up via photopin (license)
photo credit: Just woke up via photopin (license)

You’re not referring to Twins, as in Minnesota Twins outfielders Oswaldo Arcia or Byron Buxton, right? They could have twins. They could have Twins together. That stat isn’t on the back of their baseball cards. (Could you imagine if it was, though?)

Babycenter.com says twins have a greater likelihood of having twins. If you’re older, you’re likely to have fraternal twins or even triplets or quads. A twin in the twilight of her child-bearing days should probably double up on onesies and those little turkey baster booger yankers.

Like peanut allergies and NFL players with dreds, twin-having has become a trend. That site said twin births have risen 76% in the past 30 years. Fertility drugs also play a role.

By the time you have kids, maybe twins will be the norm. Maybe the University of Oregon’s stink-lifting technology will come standard on all diaper genies.

Wouldn’t that be some shit?

twins quote

Advertisements

58 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Football, Bad Words and Double Trouble”

  1. Whenever you made a jesting references to Minnesota sports, I always chuckle a little bit (I recall that one a while back about the Metrodome caving in…ohh the Metrodome).

    I do not watch sports, but I do know that we Minnesotans take our sports seriously, despite the fact that our teams aren’t exactly what anyone would call “top notch.” I certainly find your remarks amusing, then. 🙂

    1. I saw a really awful (but funny) reference to the creation of the Minnesota Vikings on a sports blog yesterday. I don’t even hate the Vikings or anything! I used to hate the Twins but got over it.

      Come to think of it, I’ve spent time in hate with the Timberwolves and the Wild at points in my life. What’s up with that?

      1. What is up with that? Ha, I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to sports so your hatred for Minnesota sports teams is really quite, alright by me, as I am rather indifferent to them myself. What did they do to you though, to deserve such hatred? I find this very curious. 🙂

      2. I think the hate has subsided by now, but they’ve all been on that list. Here’s why:

        Minnesota Vikings: As I’ve mentioned, no hate here. Their helmet logo looked like cake to me as a kid.

        Minnesota Twins: I used to be an Atlanta Braves fan (before the Colorado Rockies existed), and Minnesota beat Atlanta in the World Series. Back when I was in college.

        Minnesota Timberwolves: Again, years ago, the Wolves beat the Denver Nuggets in a contentious seven-game playoff series with plenty of time for both teams to mouth off about each other.

        Minnesota Wild: More recently, they upset the Colorado Avalanche in a playoff series after a rare promising season for the Avs.

        So, mostly it’s weakened, residual hate. It’s died down to a simmer. I think hate in this case is healthy. My girls have developed a bit of it for soccer clubs and schools they play a lot.

        Not, “burn a bag of dog poop on their doorstep” hate, but reasonable simmering dislike.

      3. Seems fair to me. I guess if you’re supporting one team in the world of sports, there’s probably a likelihood that you dislike another team for your teams benefit…like how Vikings fans tend to hate the Packers and vice versa. 🙂

      4. That’s the spirit Britta – you can’t have love without a little hate. Vikings/Packers is a prime example. I wonder where more hate lives – Packers/Vikings or Bears/Packers?

  2. ‘I’ve got your souls, Bitches!’ What a gal, that’s called getting under their skin. BTW bitches isn’t classed as a swear word down under so i didn’t put little characters in. Me bad????? The Hulk’s pants? Lycra, he must wear lycra, otherwise we’d be seeing some real shit happening. ‘Yay,’ says wonder woman. I know where it does smell, jail. It really smells bad in jail. Greta blog this week Mate.
    Laurie.

    1. It ought to be on a T-shirt, mate. She delighted in frustrating them. Maybe she should consider playing professionally in Australia so she won’t get red-carded.

      Yeah, some transformations don’t need to be revealed, Laur.

      “It really smells bad in jail” sounds like a splendid blog post title, amigo. Consider it?

      1. I can see the T-shirts now Mate, they’d be awesome. Being a great player with tons of guts she’d probably get red carded anywhere she plays. I agree on the Hulk’s transformation, it could be nasty. Jail smells? I think I mentioned it in one of my jail blogs, somethings shouldn’t be revisited.

      2. She’s never even got a yellow card! She fouls, but nothing outside of the norm. She’s a tough player, but keeps it clean. ish.

        Let’s leave the jail smells where they are. Let’s let someone else use it as a post title!

      1. It’s been there almost since the start, mate. Just to keep an eye on things and all. How’s that for free speech?

        Honestly, I’ve never really hate a hater on here, Laur. I must be doing it wrong.

  3. Wow, E, can you imagine becoming a Granddad to twins? Twin girls, of course 😉

    OK, shoot me for being an annoying rest of the world citizen, (I am confident to get Laurie’s support on that!) but: wouldn’t playing football actually involve kicking the ball with their feet, like in real football aka soccer? Baahahaha.

    As for non-smelly lockers, visit a hockey locker room and we’ll talk again.

    I know I’ve said it before, so I’ll just have to repeat myself: Elise rocks ♥ And I think you do, too – for being proud of your daughter when she calls the opponent bitch. Something similar incured C to get a bad grade in “social competences” – in his first report card. It bugs me.

    1. Grandadding twins has to be easier than daddying twins because diapering doesn’t happen when you’re the granddad. Right?

      Elise made the point that American football should be called “Handegg.” There’s validity to that.

      Hockey itself is the smelliest sport on earth, with wrestling a close second. Sweat and blood make a pungent cocktail, especially on ice.

      It wasn’t so much that she used that word. I was proud that she didn’t take the F-bomb to heart, and knew it happened because she was crushing dreams and taking names.

      I think a bad grade in social competences would make me say more bad words.

  4. I LOVED this entire article. Go Elise! Even though my kiddo is an aggressive football player and wrestler, he’s a polite, quiet boy off the field. It cracks me up to hear The Hulk come out of him during the heat of competition. I even heard him utter the “s*(” word once. He apologized later, but I didn’t care…he was busy taking souls 🙂

    1. Thanks Michelle, also for calling it an article, because that makes me feel like I’m in a magazine office in a highrise with a Mac and great hair and fast clean car in the parking deck. Probably a gym membership too.

      Anyway …

      Competition definitely brings out a kid’s inner Hulk. It’s kind of ‘anything goes’ in the heat of battle, right? Taking souls is hard work.

  5. I never realized how strange our sport names were until X started trying to learn them. For instance he calls it “golfball” and “soccerball”instead of golf and soccer. And he calls someone who plays golfball a golf player. I can’t really argue, it keeps things consistent.

    1. We really do have a wacky way of naming things in America. I heard golf stands for “guys only ladies forbidden,” but I can’t verify that.

      X’s logic is sound. I heard a Russian girl call a basketball player a ‘basketballist’ once, and thought it was adorable.

    1. Right in the palm of her hand! I’m glad the kids’ Hulk question didn’t go there. But either the guy hulks out to outrageous proportions, or stays the same, which would look kind of pathetic. And then there’s the question – does everything turn green?

  6. My Grandmother had a record of relatives from way back – mostly name, birth/death date, and sometimes a few scribbled notes. One poor lady had a huge # of children (including 3 sets of twins). She committeed suicide in her early 30s, by drowning. I wonder if there was a correlation? It seems twins ran in our family and historically should have hit my generation. Knowing Hubby wasn’t sure about being a Dad, kind of wished it had happened so I could laugh & laugh! 😉

    1. That kind of record is cool to have. I can’t even imagine three sets of twins … you wonder what the village thought was going on there. I have two sets of twins on my soccer team, but I’m not going to drown anytime soon on purpose.

      I read also that twinage skips a generation, so who knows?

  7. Haha! Can I just say that I’m glad I don’t have to play against Elise?

    That other girl is probably still having nightmares about your daughter. 🙂

    1. You definitely can say that Kim. It’s also quite awesome to be on Elise’s side.

      They finally did break through against Elise in the second half, but they were still pretty frustrated!

  8. Love this! My middle daughter plays soccer, but we are working on being more aggressive. She could learn a thing or two from Elise! 🙂

    1. Thanks Lisa! I think the focus has worked for my girls and my teams to switch to assertive from aggressive. If a kid believes in her abilities and keeping her head under pressure, assertiveness is to thank. It’s about being prepared, too. Think of how we feel on days we have our stuff together. Anything’s possible, right? It’s the same in soccer. If she gets plenty of work on her skills, when your middle daughter plays on game day, she’ll be confident enough in them that she can concentrate on the game in the moment.

  9. I love the story about Elise – she rocks!!!
    And, I’m a twin (I have a twin brother) and my dad is a twin (sister) – thankfully I did not have twins!!!

  10. i love elise’s comeback, she is her father’s daughter. and i’ve always been fascinated by twins. i’ll have another pair in my room next year – adventures ahead for sure )

    1. I just like that she took a jab while kind of deflecting the conflict, you know? Did I mention yet I have to sets of twins on one of my soccer teams, and three sets of sisters?

      I think you’re up to the challenge, Beth!

  11. Is it wrong to be a little proud when your kids use swear words appropriately? Mine yelled a good “dammit” yesterday, but that was only because he was copying me. Neither one of us was mad and I had a hard time not laughing when he did it!

    1. If it’s wrong, Rabia, I don’t want to be right. It shows us our kids do listen. What could be worse than a kid using a curse word incorrectly? It’s a poor reflection on us as parents.

  12. I’ve definitely said shit on my blog, but mostly, it’s sh*t. Ah well. It’s the thought that counts.
    If Scarlet says things like that when she grows up, or even next week? I’ll be proud.

    1. Sh*t counts. When I Googled “Coach Daddy shit”, I found “sh*t” (and luckily, there were no Internet flaming calling my stuff sh*t.)

      I bet Scarlet will use “sh*t” on her own blog someday. I’ll be proud, too.

  13. I’m here to unload my bi-weekly comment love.
    that sounded all kinds of wrong – sh*t sorry. 🙂
    Canadian bacon technically is called “Back Bacon” — it’s a different, and leaner cut than “American” bacon which comes from the pork belly. So… really, you can have twice as much. 🙂
    Also, it doesn’t stink.

  14. Love what Elise said to that girl! She has her sh*t together!

    My dad is a fraternal twin, and so I thought I’d have twins. Supposedly the twin gene skips a generation through the dad’s side. But nope, no twins here!

    Thanks for linking up to the Spin Cycle this week! We’re glad to have you!

    1. It might not have been the most Christian retort, but I was proud, too, Ginny. She said it with such confidence.

      There’s a lot of twin theory out there. I have two sets of twins on my soccer team, and when one intercepted her sister’s pass, the first one groaned and said, “there goes those twinstincts again!” It’s a thing.

      So happy to be in the Spin Cycle. I know this post was loosely qualified, but I’m looking forward to being in and checking out everyone else’s posts!

  15. Around here twins are out shined by triples. They seem to be the norm in grade school. The dilemma centers around dividing the twins between two classrooms. What does the district do when there are only two classrooms and three kids? First world problems! Great to see you linked up!

    Around here we eat Irish Bacon – bacon without nitrates.

    1. Always overachieving, right? Are there nuclear plants around? Our charter school generally splits up the twins.

      No triplets to worry about – but my soccer team has two sets of twins and three sets of sisters overall.

      I am a saint, yes.

      Is bacon any good without nitrates? Is it like gluten, that makes stuff taste good?

Say what you need to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s