Go Ask Daddy About Wacky Weddings, Good Books and Posting Bail


photo credit: Arteth's presents via photopin (license)
photo credit: Arteth’s presents via photopin (license)

I’ve led soccer teams onto interesting playing grounds.

Our club teams play by railroad tracks. Elise and Marie played on a sunk-down field. It’s like a pit Fred Flintstone dug with his brontosaurus. Our tournaments happen at a place called Mazeppa Park. And we played an entire season on a field of mowed down corn.

The creepiest, hand down: The field by a cemetery.

We’re not talking way over yonder. We’re talking, don’t back up from the sideline without looking. There’s a headstone behind you. Grave markers came in handy on errant balls on that side of the field. Turns out soccer balls bounce back nicely off slabs of marble.

The home team always had an early advantage in matches there.

Kids stared wide-eyed at the monuments to the dearly departed. You can imagine how late October games went there. I didn’t mind. Barbecue month happens each October in the Carolinas. We’d kick the home team’s butt, and eat up their barbecue in the parish hall.

Oh, and the other sweet memory of playing next to a graveyard?

That sideline always kept quiet.

1. Do people ever get married in graveyards?

photo credit: Arteth's presents via photopin (license)
photo credit: Arteth’s presents via photopin (license)

Should the officiant even bother with “speak now, or forever hold your peace”?

The blog Rock N Roll Bride tells the tale of Kristen and Joe. They’re a couple who took ‘til deal do us part’ to a higher level. Joe’s groomsmen carried Kristen to the altar in a coffin, to Joe’s surprise. They started their lives together where they would end – in a cemetery.

Joe’s groomsmen wore orange-and-black Atlanta Braves caps, too. Why not the san francisco giants? They went with death as a theme, not dumb, obviously.

2. What’s the bus in Scooby Doo called?

mystery machineLike, let’s move from spooky to groovy, shall we, Scoob?

Those meddling kids travel in the Mystery Machine, a modified 1965 Chevy Greenbrier. Before the gang procured the van, Daphne’s dad wheeled them around to spooky assignments. The Mystery Machine always has ample ladders, lanterns and ropes, too.

And it has computer equipment. Like an FBI van or something.

When the gang splits up, Velma gets stuck with Shag and Scoob to run from goblins. Ever notice Fred and Daphne disappear? Hmm. If the Mystery Machine’s rockin’ …

3. Why is this book called “Scat”?

scat bookA kid shouldn’t ask dad to investigate up a book she doesn’t remember finishing.

We’re dealing with Go Ask Daddy, not Go Ask Daddy Questions He Justifies Answering Only.

Let’s go.

Best-selling author Carl Hiassen’s wrote “Scat,” a novel with a neat cover. It’s a humorous kids’ mystery – without the Mystery Machine. It rates 3.92 stars out of 5 on Good Reads. What kid wouldn’t love a mystery with a field trip to a creepy swamp and a missing teacher?

Let’s not spoil the ending here. You included, kid. Maybe it’s time to check it out at the library again.

4. How many people are in America?

photo credit: Washington Tour via photopin (license)
photo credit: Washington Tour via photopin (license)

Google says 318 million. The site HowManyOfMe.com says 319 million.

That doesn’t include a couple dozen soccer fans in that cemetery.

HowManyOfMe.com has staggering stats and American populous facts. A single-file line of all Americans would encircle the world seven times. That’s as long as the express lane line at the Walmart in Indian Land on a Friday afternoon.

This site’s legit. It tells you how many people have your name in the U.S. Of the 69,422 Pachecos in the Land of the Free, six call themselves Eli Pacheco. If you Google me, you might find the cat in New Mexico with an arrest record. Not cool, dude. Only one of us looks can be Juan Pablo Montoya’s doppelganger.

5. Who bailed out Justin Bieber?

photo credit: JUSTIN BIEBER - CATCHING FEELINGS via photopin (license)
photo credit: JUSTIN BIEBER – CATCHING FEELINGS via photopin (license)

It couldn’t have been the New Mexico Eli Pacheco.

Bail of $2,500 is chump change. Bieber’s worth $200 million, according to foodworldnews.com. He has that balled up in his baggy jeans pockets. Miami Beach Police arrested Bieber last year for drag-racing under the influence of alcohol. He also resisted arrest and took this drunken spin without a valid license.

It’s fine to pile on a Canadian punk when he screws up, it seems.

I know I’d go into full badger mode if a kid like him look sideways at one of my girls.I wanted to find something positive Justin Bieber’s done, though. I’m a pizza box half full kind of guy, after all.

What I found were Justin Bieber jokes.

EDIT: (I had one here, in this spot. At 4:30 a.m., I woke up, and realized the reference in the joke to a box of tissues wasn’t what I thought it was at first. So I had to take it out!)

I also found this video.

bieber

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36 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Wacky Weddings, Good Books and Posting Bail”

  1. You’d certainly look twice if your ball was thrown out of the cemetery, accompanied by, ‘Nice kick kid.’
    It never ceased to amaze me with Scooby Doo as to how many haunted mansions they came across. Oh and how Shaggy always had the ‘munchies.’ Hmm, weed? Yep, don’t come knockin.
    Scat? Another name for poop.
    Justin Beiber, say no more. Love the tissue thing. (snork)

    1. It was a whole new type of home-field advantage, mate. I was always amazed at what effects you could create with just a pulley and projector, like the villains always did.

      There was mention of scat in the book, but there’s another meaning, too, and I didn’t want to spoil it!

      You were one of the few who got to see the joke! I couldn’t keep it after my naive mind understood it.

      1. Yeah Mate, I fell back on the old English meaning of scat… me bad. Sorry I upset the CD blog tissue box joke, it’s just… well my mind has a default setting and it’s on smut.

      2. No, actually there’s a mention of the old English ‘scat’ in there, and I thought maybe that was the key, but it wasn’t.

        I wasn’t you, mate, about the joke – it was my naivete. I associated a tissue box with being sappy and crying … not … you know. (And the kids sometimes read this, so I can imagine Grace telling her teacher the joke from daddy’s blog!)

  2. A cemetery next to the field? That’s both awesome and totally creepy. And yet… cemeteries didn’t always used to be so creepy. I wonder why… I blame the zombies. 🙂

    1. If the University of Georgia can play between the hedges, I suppose Robinson Church Soccer can play beside the tombstones! Were cemeteries creepy before “Thriller”?

    1. Thanks Jen! I would venture to say there’s really only one of you. I want to get the Eli Pachecos together for a barbecue – soon as New Mexico Eli is out of the slammer!

  3. I always think it’s so sad when these young kids get rocketed into super-stardom and then make such poor decisions. Seems to happen a lot.
    Scooby Doo has always been one of my favorite cartoons – we read all the books when the boys were younger, watched all the movies and the boys still enjoy the show!!

    1. You wonder what kind of guidance they get. I learned a lot about Justin’s dad in my research, too.

      Nothing beats the classic Scooby cartoons, but have you seen the new series on Netflix? There’s some really good writing going on … goofy stuff.

  4. Fortunately, none of my girls have Bieber Fever -I think they understand that her’s not a “good guy.” And, soccer in the cemetery??? Well, the field my daughter played on this fall was in terrible condition – bare spots filled in with sand. At least it was beside a cemetery, though! I’ll keep that in mind this spring – just proves it could always be worse!

  5. Getting married in a graveyard? A vineyard sounds better to me.

    How are repairs on Elise’s soccer field coming along?

    I don’t think there is ever a half full pizza box when you’re around. It’s either full or empty?!
    I am going to try and make cauliflower pizza crust tonight. We’ll see how that turns out. Always keep an open mind, right?

    1. Graveyard, vineyard … better than a stockyard, I imagine.

      The fund is up to $2,715! The girls must play their home games somewhere else this season. As the weather gets warmer, and if the fund grows, we’ll look into the most permanent options for not only the field, but for barriers to keep cars out.

      There can definitely be half-full pizza boxes on my watch! I savor slices rather than scarf them.

      Before I read ‘always keep an open mind,’ my nose crinkled. I’ll try anything once, but cauliflower stands closer to the red wings than calzones in my book.

      1. Baaahahaha, I can see your crinkled nose!

        I slaved in the kitchen “riced” the cauliflower, cooked and wrang that pulp out, added ingredients, flattened the dough out, pre-baked, topped and finished baking… Only to face wrinkled noses. Ungrateful bunch.

  6. you certainly are a pizza box half full kind of guy. with bacon wrapped around the crust and hot peppers on top. i mean this all in a good way. p.s. tell the girls the mystery machine lives in ann arbor not far from my house and i’m not kidding.

  7. I can remember some of my kids’ soccer games that would have been better played next to a cemetery to keep the obnoxious parents on the sidelines quiet. Oh, and one particular Little League baseball game, too. Let’s just say that the police needed to be called. And the players were 8 years old.

    1. Ever heard of Silent Saturday? I believe it’s physically painful to some parents. Thing is, your police-dispatched 8-year-old little-league game? Those things aren’t even headlines anymore, they happen so often.

  8. My Brownie sleep away camp was right next to a cemetery! no kidding. we used to sneak into it at night after the counselors had gone to sleep and try to scare the heck out of one another. When I was older and it was later Girl Guides camp, it was where we met the Boy Scouts who had their camp across the lake. yeah, romantic. ha.
    I think Bieber did start out as a pretty nice, genuine young kid. but who can handle that amount of fame and money at such a young age? nobody really well. Hopefully he will turn it back around and remember his roots eventually. Until then, he’s all yours. 🙂

  9. I have to tell you my one graveyard vision, and that’s really the only one because I’m not a creepy girl and I like rainbows and unicorns and I don’t like graveyards.
    BUT. I always thought it would be cool to photograph a moose in a graveyard. Black and white.
    We have a toy Mystery Machine. It was given to me as a gift when I was a kid and it was in the original packaging and the kids got it. And it was so loud and horrible that I hope it drove off a cliff.

    1. They probably don’t even have graveyards in your town, do they? Moose would be cool in a graveyard, though. Or soccer field.

      Do the kids play with the Mystery Machine? It’s tough to keep toys as collectibles. I remember tearing off Beanie Babies tags when Elise just wanted to play with her new toy.

      Have you gone Thelma and Louise on the Mystery Machine yet?

      1. No graveyards. Here they all do that thing in which your body turns into a biodegradable tree. Or something.

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