We’ve got a new pet, and the best thing is – no litter box to clean.
Grace rounded up a few bucks of birthday money for a visit to Discovery Place recently and knocked off something from her wish list: A Venus flytrap. It’s pretty bad-ass. It started out with about five mouths (all of them named, in fact), and today has grown to 11.
Yes, 11! (Some haven’t been named.)
My cousin Ian used to catch bugs and sling them into our industrial-strength bug zapper when we were kids. Venus flytraps are 53,000 times cooler.
There’s one not-so-cool thing about a Venus flytrap. You have to feed them. Is it me, or is that wrong? You’re not supposed to give them meatballs. But you should catch gnats and ants and drop them in their waiting traps.
To me, a Venus flytrap ranks badder-ass (bad-asser?) than a pit bull. Any direct descendant of Audrey II ranks right up there with Amelia Earhardt, Lena Dunham and that girl from the AT&T commercials.
1. Are those bugs in there?
Yes, those are bugs.
I couldn’t bring myself to lean back in the pew and photograph the church’s dead-bug-riddled lights. (I saw a lady snap a selfie during communion once. “Church, biotches!” it says somewhere on the Instagram.) Anyway, what compels an insect to make like Carol Anne in Poltergeist and go into the light?
It’s called transverse orientation. Some bugs navigate with a distant natural light – the moon, for instance – as a beacon. But campfires, headlights, bug zappers and church lights whacks a bug out. They get roasted, mushed, zapped or suffer a slow, simmering death close to Jesus.
2. What does Vitamin C do?
Absolutely nothing for your farm-fresh Venus flytrap.
You, however …
It helps to build strong connective tissue. This refers not to the wadded up Kleenex in dad’s pocket (with the cough drops – damn, I’m old), but to blood vessels, bones and skin. Fruits and veggies are lousy with Vitamin C, which is an antioxidant. Antioxidants combat free radicals by donating electrons.
Which is to say Vitamin C fights slow cell damage. (Free Radicals would be a kick-ass fantasy football nickname, wouldn’t it?)
3. Is Flushed Away made by the same people who made Wallace and Gromit?
No. But they’re all British Claymation films, and that’s why they look alike.
Chicken Run and the Wallace and Gromit series come from the same creators – Aardman Studios. Wallace is a hard-luck inventor and lover of cheese; his dog, Gromit, a graduate of Dogwarts University, plays chess and outshines his bald-headed owner intellectually.
Flushed Away details the plight of a high-society rat who finds himself flushed into a London sewer.
He adjusts to his new life, but how tough can it be when you team up with the rodent equivalent of Kate Winslet as your romantic interest?
4. Do referees have iPads on the sideline to review plays?
No – and apparently, they don’t have a PSI gauge to check footballs, either.
Referees duck under the hood to look at an instant replay screen for reviewable plays. They look like those old-time photographers who’d cover their heads with a cloth for every shot. Speaking of the NFL – the shield signed a five-year, $400 million deal to make the Microsoft Surface the league’s official tablet.
Cha-ching, right? Hardly.
During Week 1, at least two TV talking heads referred to the units as iPads – a freebie shoutout to Microsoft’s rival, Apple, for its tablet.
To remind fans – and sponsors, and probably commentators – of the Surface’s status as top tablet in football, the league slaps the logo on the instant replay booth.
Achieving household name for the Microsoft Surface? That’s as tough as making a Xerox of a Kleenex.
5. How do you change your name?
From Surface to iPad, or from Sabrina to Ida?
It’s not common to change your name except for legit reasons. You know, like being known as World B. Free or Meta World Peace. That said, the world’s your oyster, unless your oyster includes the following:
You usually can’t change your name to match someone who’s famous. Sorry, aspiring Art Garfunkels of the world.
You can’t change your name in order to commit a crime. Sorry, aspiring Ted Kaczynskis of the world.
You can’t change your name to include digits. If you want to be known as Trip-n-Fall Goat Smuggla 7, well, you gotta spell out that seven.
There aren’t many Goat Smuggla 7’s, party of six, out there.