Go Ask Daddy About Eructating, Investigating and Nasal Song Playing


photo credit: Cubeecraft via photopin (license)
photo credit: Cubeecraft via photopin (license)

One of the girls has become a superlative burper.

GAD GRAPHICI won’t say who. Not to protect her identity. I don’t want it to go to her head. Yeah, it’s like that. A second sister is a close second, and the third, well, she’s the only kid who objects to the blatant prideful manner in which her sisters expel air from their stomachs, upward.

Friends, family and strangers cannot seem to break her of the habit of making each burp opportunity the 72-point war headline that she’s perfected.

That second sister? She’s scheming a way to unseat the queen.

People often ask, “don’t you wonder what it’d be like – to have all boys?”

“Nope,” I say. “Never.”

1. Why do we burp?

photo credit: "Burp" via photopin (license)
photo credit: “Burp” via photopin (license)

For you girls? Clearly it’s for the judges.

Technically, you’re eructating. That sounds like it should involve partially digested food stuff or maybe pertain to excavation of fossilized body waste. Either way – gross. WebMD calls three or four burps after a meal “normal.” In other facts I don’t want Burper Girl to know: It’s socially acceptable to burp in India and Turkey.

It’s just trapped air in your belly that gets caught up when you swallow food. Know how Elise sometimes wipes out her own defenders when she slides out to stop a shot? Well, it’s like that.

And just as noisy.

2. What do the refs do during a replay?

photo credit: Timeout via photopin (license)
photo credit: Timeout via photopin (license)

Jesus (or random.org) has delivered its share of referee questions lately.

(Side note: I get along with some refs. But the concept overall … it’s like the Los Angeles Clippers and championship rings – it’s just not a match. I stopped going to Sports clips for haircuts because the stylists dressed like referees. The stripes give me the bends.)

That said …

In the NBA and NFL, they watch slow-mo replay to see if a player stayed in bounds, if a knee was down before a fumble or touchdown, or if a shot cleared the net before time expires.

I suspect they also check, for those last-minute decisions, on the nearest escape route if they rule against the home team.

3, Is that stucco?

EP
EP

Coach Daddy will travel to great lengths to uncover truth for you, girls.

I’ve called insurance offices and polled random strangers and dollar-store clerks. When possible, I’ll reference the world rather than simply Google. So I called Talbots in Asheville. That’s the store with the bumpy walls that prompted this question. I spoke with Aubrey.

CD: Hi! Listen, I have a question for you. It’s a little outside the box, but totally legit. You have a second?

Aubrey: Um, not really. What’s your question?

CD: Your building. Is that … stucco?

Aubrey: [crickets] … um …

CD: See, I write this blog. My kids ask me questions, and I find the answers. It’s not just architectural building materials on retail structures in western North Carolina cities.

Heck, there are 385 questions on the list right now waiting for answers. They ask about the Paralympics, math relevance and poison ivy. Shit like that.

Aubrey: I don’t know what it is … you know what you could do though?

CD: What? Talk to a manager? Get the number for the building’s construction company?

Aubrey: No. You ought to Google it.

I tried kids. I really did.

4. Where do people in New York City park?

photo credit: Parking Ticket VOL. Salary via photopin (license)
photo credit: Parking Ticket VOL. Salary via photopin (license)

If you’re lucky, not next to a yankees fan.

I checked out nyc.bestparking.com. I found a spot on West 46th street for a bargain $23. Holy hell. That’s groceries for a week! And that’s in Hell’s Kitchen, just blocks from Central Park Zoo. You’re better off selling your car and buying a MetroCard. The car price ought to take care of almost a month’s rent.

Seriously … who needs this? It’s not even worth New York pizza.

5. Can you play a song with your nose?

photo credit: paper-life  - the nosy via photopin (license)
photo credit: paper-life – the nosy via photopin (license)

Sounds like a challenge, girls.

I could. Final answer. Not without props. On my saxophone? No. Can’t get a mouthpiece in one of my considerable nostrils. On a trumpet? Now way. But I believe I could – on my harmonica. Not an Eddie Van Halen solo or Brahms, but possibly Piano Man.

I wouldn’t recommend you play the harmonica directly after I try.

Spongebob has this one on me.

nose quote

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25 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Eructating, Investigating and Nasal Song Playing

  1. If they were boys there’d be farting contests Mate. Be thankful. I heartily dislike stucco, it’s nice when it’s new but it crumbles and looks ugly. I can sneeze like a bassoon, does that count as playing music with one’s nose?

    1. Good point, Fratello. I’ll accept the belchfest. This stucco looked reasonably new, if in fact it was stucco.

      You, me and Spongebob could have a three-piece bands with our schnozes, mate. Rock on.

      1. Belches are good Mate, then again a well timed blast of flatus can make a big dent in any conversation. Stucco’s okay until you get your face rubbed against it. It’s a pity Jimmy Durante’s dead, we could have made a quartet.

      2. My Flatus blasts are that deadly no one hangs around Mate. No the face rubbing was during a punch up years ago, hint when fighting, keep away from stucco walls.

  2. Oh, wow… That poor emoloyee.

    That photo is definitely stucco, though. Another siding style that is growing in popularity is fiber cement board. Depending on who installed it, and what style it is, it can look an awful lot like stucco. It’s more sturdy than stucco, but it requires repainting every few years, at least according to the siding guy I talked to. Stucco is fairly one-and-done, as long as it’s done right and doesn’t get busted.

    Repairing it lookd like doing drywall, but worse. After one YouTube video, it’s not something I’ll be trying, at least. 😛

    1. I know. I was surprised I had her on the phone for so long (about 37 seconds). Thanks for the affirmation, wall girl.

      Your answer is so much better than me. Maybe we should institute a “Go Ask the Ginger” day around here.

  3. I get asked quite often about what it would be like to have a boy and just usually sit there and smile, because I know that my girls can totally do much of what boys do, including burp (and fart) just as loud, as well as be just as proud as boys are with this!! 😉

    1. I don’t know why I expected whoever answered the phone in a women’s boutique to have extensive knowledge about building materials there.

      I bet she turned to a co-worker and said, “you won’t believe what this dude just asked me …. “

  4. My nose often whistles (hence we say “listen, I have a whistler”. Not loud, but loud enough to annoy others when the room is quiet. Can I join the band?

    I have 2 boys and get asked “you gonna try for that girl?” (The anwer is no, by the way)

  5. This is funny. On our road trip yesterday from New Jersey Scarlet said, “Mama, I’ve been burping a lot lately. I do it at least once a day!”
    Ah, sweet, sweet innocence.
    The pizza is good but it’s not worth the parking. In San Francisco, we were lucky to pay $14 for two hours. Today in Northampton, we paid $.50 for two hours. No luck at all. Just a town that values its visitors, I say.

  6. Who needs sons when you have beautiful burping daughters?
    This made me laugh out loud!
    Sorry that I’ve been away for so long. I think of you often and hope that you’re doing well!
    LOVED the 6 words feature – it made me smile 🙂

    1. My burping beauties are the best. Glad you enjoyed it, Michelle. You’ll always have a spot at the buffet here, and I’m always thankful for your visits. Life gets busy! I’ll send you the next prompt soon.

  7. consider yourself lucky – it’s farts here. at least they know not to do it publicly, but honestly. Taco Tuesday is a thing around here and I really cannot understand how the 5 year old is the worst. like old man eating eggs for a week and maybe a dead possum worst.
    I’m so sorry. parents sure bond in weird ways… right?

    1. The difference in which end the gas comes from, right? Public shame for belching is less intrusive than a gnat without wings to these girls.

      Tacos really do take a toll on white folk, don’t they?

      We’re all in the same battle, Rore. Sometimes, it just stinks.

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