Go Ask Daddy About Corporate Sponsors, Shopping Hygiene and Your Halftime Entertainment

photo credit: Let the best man win via photopin (license)
photo credit: Let the best man win via photopin (license)

Stadiums: They ought to be named after dead guys or geographical fixtures.

GAD GRAPHICThat’s just my take. It’s in the Coach Daddy Almanac, chapter 11, section 2. Some corporate genius wondered aloud whether companies would shell out more cash for naming rights on the home field. I suppose the outfield signs weren’t enough.

Even the radio studio and sports talk email inboxes have corporate sponsors attached.

They even renamed Charlotte Motor  Speedway after a home improvement big box. It didn’t last long. And naming the Denver Broncos’ home field after an investment firm went over like raiders colors in a Rocky Mountain Super Bowl party.

It could be worse. Teams play in joints called the Dunkin’ Donuts Center, Jobing.com Arena and Whataburger Field. And UNC Charlotte women’s basketball once played in the Mr. Cookie Face Tournament. That’s my kind of action.

Know what’s badass when it comes to stadiums? The old standby, Memorial Stadium. Better yet, War Memorial Stadium. It just makes you feel like you’re in for an ass-kicking.

1. What is the Dolphins’ stadium called?

photo credit: landshark stadium in miami florida via photopin (license)
photo credit: landshark stadium in miami florida via photopin (license)

It’s Sun Life Stadium.

That can change at any minute, though. In fact, I might look into a side gig as a sign painter for stadiums that change names at the drop of a coin. The Dolphins once played with Miami’s other pro team, the University of Miami, at the dilapidated Orange Bowl. Lawyer and entrepreneur Joe Robbie built a stadium for the Dolphins in 1986. It was posh because it wasn’t old and leaky by comparison.

Joe Robbie Stadium became Pro Player Stadium. It’s also been called Dolphin Stadium and Land Shark Stadium. Where Have You Gone Dan Marino Stadium hasn’t been considered, yet.

2. What came first, dinosaurs or Jesus?

photo credit: n1020521631_205431_4405.jpg via photopin (license)
photo credit: n1020521631_205431_4405.jpg via photopin (license)

Compared to the Ankylosaurus, Jesus is the new kid on the block.

Jesus came to earth about 2,000 years ago. Earth and its animals, by biblical accounts, showed up maybe 4,000 years before that. But dinosaurs date back millions of years. Like, before Genesis? Not likely. Some believe God put fossils in the Colorado dirt and other places for man to discover. Kind of Him.

But if dinosaurs did exist – and their fossils are all over museums, so didn’t they? – is science off in its estimate of when they lived? Could they have lived just a few thousands of years ago?

As a kid raised Catholic and am sort of a part-time Lutheran and also a life-long dinosaur lover, it seems I live in a bit of a contradiction. However, the Jesus I envision wouldn’t be one to give me or you the ultimatum of “them or me.” In fact, I bet Jesus would dig a Styracosaurus as much as any of us would.

3. Do you have to get showered to go to Target?

photo credit: Target via photopin (license)
photo credit: Target via photopin (license)

The Coach Daddy Almanac is quite clear about this (and about dinosaurs, incidentally.)

Yes. You must shower to go to Target. You must also brush your teeth and not wear clothes you slept in. If it’s a Target built circa 2008 or later, you’re also required to wear deodorant and have brushed your teeth in the past 11 hours. None of these apply to a trip to Food Lion or Walmart.

It’s also not advisable to shop in Target in khakis and a red shirt, especially if you carry your keys on a lanyard. Unless you know by heart which aisle the toothpaste and LEGOs are on.

4. What if your butt was in the front?

photo credit: Smile and the world smiles at you! via photopin (license)
photo credit: Smile and the world smiles at you! via photopin (license)

Yes, this appears in the same post as an existential inquiry that pits Christianity and science against each other in the ultimate grudge match of all time.

First thought: Where would farts go? Front and center. That’s a problem. So too would urinal use. You’d need rearview mirrors. Protecting yourself on penalty kicks becomes easier. Guys like me with a 33% chance of putting his pants on backward suddenly have some sort of redemption possible, at least.

Bum lookers would need a new approach, too. My eyes are up here, buster.

This is a tough one. Let me sit down and think about it.

Oh wait.

5. Is the Super Bowl the only game with a halftime show?

photo credit: 20100711-0642.jpg via photopin (license)
photo credit: 20100711-0642.jpg via photopin (license)

It’s not the only game, but it’s the one with THE halftime show.

Other halftimes feature marching bands and dogs with Frisbees. There’s not  halftime in hockey, so you sit and watch the Zamboni, eh? There’s half-court shot contests and botched marriage proposals. Or siblings taking shots on goal like at your games.

And that says nothing of Katy Perry dancing with sharks. Land sharks even! Holy crap.

Land Shark Stadium! The Dolphins stadium thing kind of makes sense now.

It’s probably the closest the Dolphins will get to a Super Bowl, too.

nachos quote


  1. No shopping in one’s PJs at Target then? Love the lady’s Smiley panties!

    There’s no halftime show in hockey because there are three periods. I wish in my country they would give the kids Zamboni rides.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I think it’s permissible if you’ve showered and brushed your hair. That woman’s bum has more visibility than Pippa Middleton’s right now.

      Saturday late in the third period in the Stanley Cup Finals, Elise wondered why Tampa Bay pulled it’s goalie.

      “Don’t they still have the fourth quarter?” she asked.

  2. Kathy G says:

    “What if your butt was in the front?” I’ll be pondering that one all day.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      It’s likely to follow you much longer than that, Kathy.

  3. Do the land sharks have frickin’ lasers on their frickin’ heads? You knew someone had to ask!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Any question with the word “frickin'” in it probably should move to to top of the heap, Jenn.

      And you know this: They use them to zap their frickin’ prey!

  4. You left me thinking about Katy Perry and sharks today LOL!!! 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Sometimes I’m embarrassed to say when I’m thinking about Katy Perry.

  5. ksbeth says:

    thanks for teaching me about target protocol, i may have pushed the envelope before. and i wish there were ‘third-times’ in hockey. dancing octopi, zamboni races, reo speedwagon, maple syrup shot contests, possibilities are endless.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      it’s encouraged to push the envelope, beth – that’s where the good stuff happens. Third times in hockey could also hold good stuff.

      what if the chicago blackhawks wanted to hire you to use your ideas? could you help the enemy?

  6. mocadeaux says:

    I have made that red-shirt-and-khakis mistake before and did NOT have the answer when asked which was the toothpaste aisle. In addition to the wacky stadium names, what about the ever changing names of the college football bowl games? The Polander Weed Eater Bowl?!?!?!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Maybe that customer filled out a complaint card on you, Mo. And bowl games … don’t get me started.

      My least favorite: Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl. Everyone knows you use a plate in formal settings for pizza, but that among loved ones, you really never need to put a good slice of pie down on anything.

  7. tamaralikecamera says:

    I’ve always been obsessed with dinosaurs.. and now I’m all confused and in a tizzy about them. This could be because I have Jurassic World on the brain.

    Also, your Target specs seem spot-on, but Walmart rules are so different!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’ll never be confused – dinosaurs were a thing. I’m going to see Jurassic World today! Did you know I have Jurassic Park nightmares as a grown-up? It’s true.

      But I’ll still watch every time. I’m only a little nervous about seeing the movie today, if I’m honest.

      Walmart rules are that there are no rules, Tamara. It’s funny to imagine you in one, with those cool kids.

  8. Christine says:

    University of Louisville (since they have no pros, they go all in for their college) has the Yum Center. Makes me batty. Don’t even mention the variety of names Indianapolis’s venues have had. Where’s the loyalty?!? Where’s the history?!? Ugh.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Good thing corporate sponsorship doesn’t stick around long enough usually to conjure history (remember Louisville’s Papa John’s Stadium?), or our kids will grow old and tell tales about about the good old days in the Yum Center.

  9. Rorybore says:

    I have no idea what the name of our Stadium is anymore. and I still refer to the Toronto Skydome as such, and I am sure that has changed. But I do remember at hockey games, if you happened to be in the lucky seat — you got to RIDE the Zamboni. that’s not a Canadian euphemism, eh. 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I just hope they don’t start to sponsor mascots, too. We do the same thing for Mile High Stadium.

      Here, they have girls in skates and tights stand around the ice and clap and wag their hips during intermission.

      There’s no euphemism for that.

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