All kids have a bit of a thief in them. Right?
Oh, just mine? Figures. I didn’t have the best examples in the family as a child, but everyone knows right from wrong. Still, it’s not like I haven’t ordered water at Taco Bell and “accidentally” let some lemonade fall into the cup while I poured my water.
Okay okay … so maybe I’ve also let a little bit of Pepsi Max spill into the cup. But only as far as where the lid goes.
One kid of mine snagged a soccer ball off a field where a team I coached suffered a brutal loss. Retribution, I guess? Another kid of mine loaded her purse with hot cocoa packets during a stay at a Hampton Inn.
The complimentary kind, mind you. Would that matter in a court of law?
The other kid? Well, she might have bigger schemes in that evil little brain of hers. She asked this week’s first question.
1. What would happen if we took off with the capsule from the bank?
This took research. By research, I mean I tossed it out on social media. I also drove up to a bank teller and asked.
Angela at Wells Fargo said they’ll charge you for it if you gank one. Her branch lost three in the past two weeks! “They always get returned, though. What else can you even do with them?”
I even took it to Twitter. Danielle said her bank had a couple of backups, just in case. “We usually just call them,” she said. Damn. That’s not at all scandalous.
Ellen in Arkansas says it’s never happened to her. “We would probably just have to buy a new one.” Geez.
“I’ve never had anyone actually steal it,” said another Twitter user who tells at the bank. (Is that what it’s called?) “But if they accidentally take it, we replacement ones to use!”
More research reveals a standard side-load Model SO45 will set you back $59. That’s the 4-1/4-inch model, of course. The end-opening type (Model L45V) is only $39. But you know what? We had one of these in our house.
A yellow one I used as a pencil box in school. Where did it come from, mom?
2. If you fear for my life, why did you let me become a goalkeeper?
Because it was your calling, Madison.
I knew when the coach at Converse College asked, “where would you rather play, at midfield, or in goal?” You paused, smiled, and said, “in goal.” I knew this when you walked off the field after fending off a mercy-rule loss in the state playoffs and cried angry tears onto my shoulder.
You’re a keeper. Your teammates cheer and clap for you when you slide out to stop a shot. You teach girls to be skilled and fearless and to want to strap on gloves. You’re a keeper because you piss off forwards and their fathers who grit their teeth when you stop their kids’ shots.
“It’s like she’s got magnets in her gloves!” he’ll shout. Not magnets, esse. But it’s going to take more than that to get one past her. Just ask Chucho.
3. How big can butterflies get?
There’s one in Papua New Guinea that sports a 12-inch wingspan.
That’s goalkeeper quality right there. It’s the female Queen Alexandra Birdwing.
Only, she’s bigger than many birds. She’s endangered and poisonous (to eat), so don’t even think about it. Naturalist Alfred S. Meek named the plus-size butterfly after a Danish queen.
No word on how she felt about that.
They’re pretty, though.
4. Why don’t we get ESPN?
It’s just part of the American caste system, loves.
We get the U-family plan with our U-verse service from, U-guessed it, AT&T. That includes Disney, Nickelodeon and Hallmark channels. In other words, not a damn thing for dad.
An upgrade to U-200 (which sounds like a model number for a bank capsule) would include ESPN, USA Network and TNT.
But it’d set us back another $20 a month. That’d be cool for soccer matches and the one time a year the Worldwide Leader broadcasts an actual Colorado Rockies game.
For the price, I’d rather binge on Frazier and Cheers than watch 37 straight hours of SportsCenter updates on what Kobe Bryant thinks about everything.
5. Who is the guy who got frozen on The Empire Strikes Back?
Han Solo, by order of Darth Vader, so that Boba Fett can transport him to Jabba the Hutt and collect the bounty on him.
Small side note: Check the video out above and tell me if the ugnaughts uncuff Han Solo before he’s dropped into the chamber. As a kid, I didn’t think they did. He keeps his hands together after they back up from him.
This has bothered me for 35 years.
George Lucas decided to freeze Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back because Harrison Ford hadn’t signed on for another movie, like Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher had.
If Ford didn’t come back, they could just kill off Han Solo and let Lando Calrissian step up as the smartass pilot. Also, Han Solo’s classic answer to Princess Leia’s “I love you” before he went into the deep freeze?
Totally Harrison Ford’s improv.
I always wanted to steal that line.