🐛 Go Ask Daddy About Petty Theft, Gigantic Bugs and Space Smugglers on Ice

By William Tung from USA (SWCA - Samurai Stormtrooper) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By William Tung from USA (SWCA – Samurai Stormtrooper) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
All kids have a bit of a thief in them. Right?

GAD GRAPHICOh, just mine? Figures. I didn’t have the best examples in the family as a child, but everyone knows right from wrong. Still, it’s not like I haven’t ordered water at Taco Bell and “accidentally” let some lemonade fall into the cup while I poured my water.

Okay okay … so maybe I’ve also let a little bit of Pepsi Max spill into the cup. But only as far as where the lid goes.

One kid of mine snagged a soccer ball off a field where a team I coached suffered a brutal loss. Retribution, I guess? Another kid of mine loaded her purse with hot cocoa packets during a stay at a Hampton Inn.

The complimentary kind, mind you. Would that matter in a court of law?

The other kid? Well, she might have bigger schemes in that evil little brain of hers. She asked this week’s first question.


1. What would happen if we took off with the capsule from the bank?

This took research. By research, I mean I tossed it out on social media. I also drove up to a bank teller and asked.

Angela at Wells Fargo said they’ll charge you for it if you gank one. Her branch lost three in the past two weeks! “They always get returned, though. What else can you even do with them?”

I even took it to Twitter. Danielle said her bank had a couple of backups, just in case. “We usually just call them,” she said. Damn. That’s not at all scandalous.

Ellen in Arkansas says it’s never happened to her. “We would probably just have to buy a new one.” Geez.

“I’ve never had anyone actually steal it,” said another Twitter user who tells at the bank. (Is that what it’s called?) “But if they accidentally take it, we replacement ones to use!”

More research reveals a standard side-load Model SO45 will set you back $59. That’s the 4-1/4-inch model, of course. The end-opening type (Model L45V) is only $39. But you know what? We had one of these in our house.

A yellow one I used as a pencil box in school. Where did it come from, mom?

keeper pants
What 180 saves looks like. Elise’s keeper pants.

2. If you fear for my life, why did you let me become a goalkeeper?

Because it was your calling, Madison.

I knew when the coach at Converse College asked, “where would you rather play, at midfield, or in goal?” You paused, smiled, and said, “in goal.” I knew this when you walked off the field after fending off a mercy-rule loss in the state playoffs and cried angry tears onto my shoulder.

You’re a keeper. Your teammates cheer and clap for you when you slide out to stop a shot. You teach girls to be skilled and fearless and to want to strap on gloves. You’re a keeper because you piss off forwards and their fathers who grit their teeth when you stop their kids’ shots.

“It’s like she’s got magnets in her gloves!” he’ll shout. Not magnets, esse. But it’s going to take more than that to get one past her. Just ask Chucho.

Eugenio Cruz Vargas [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

3. How big can butterflies get?

There’s one in Papua New Guinea that sports a 12-inch wingspan.

That’s goalkeeper quality right there. It’s the female Queen Alexandra Birdwing.

Only, she’s bigger than many birds. She’s endangered and poisonous (to eat), so don’t even think about it. Naturalist Alfred S. Meek named the plus-size butterfly after a Danish queen.

No word on how she felt about that.

They’re pretty, though.

By Rob Poetsch (IMG_8037) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

4. Why don’t we get ESPN?

It’s just part of the American caste system, loves.

We get the U-family plan with our U-verse service from, U-guessed it, AT&T. That includes Disney, Nickelodeon and Hallmark channels. In other words, not a damn thing for dad.

An upgrade to U-200 (which sounds like a model number for a bank capsule) would include ESPN, USA Network and TNT.

But it’d set us back another $20 a month. That’d be cool for soccer matches and the one time a year the Worldwide Leader broadcasts an actual Colorado Rockies game.

For the price, I’d rather binge on Frazier and Cheers than watch 37 straight hours of SportsCenter updates on what Kobe Bryant thinks about everything.

5. Who is the guy who got frozen on The Empire Strikes Back?

Han Solo, by order of Darth Vader, so that Boba Fett can transport him to Jabba the Hutt and collect the bounty on him.

Small side note: Check the video out above and tell me if the ugnaughts uncuff Han Solo before he’s dropped into the chamber. As a kid, I didn’t think they did. He keeps his hands together after they back up from him.

This has bothered me for 35 years.

George Lucas decided to freeze Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back because Harrison Ford hadn’t signed on for another movie, like Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher had.

If Ford didn’t come back, they could just kill off Han Solo and let Lando Calrissian step up as the smartass pilot. Also, Han Solo’s classic answer to Princess Leia’s “I love you” before he went into the deep freeze?

Totally Harrison Ford’s improv.

I always wanted to steal that line.

han quote


  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Thanks for the questions and lessons. :0)

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Plus, it could be worse…it could be moths…shudder. How are you, Mr. Eli?

      1. Eli Pacheco says:

        I’m doing fine … better, before I started to think about moths. I was petrified of big moths as a kid. As a grown-ass man, I’m upgraded to unreasonably frightened and skeeved by them.

    2. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks for checking in on them!

  2. Lyn says:

    Maybe Elise is Stretcho girl – maybe that’s how she manages to save so many goal attempts 🙂
    About the Star Wars clip…continuity screw up perhaps? It happens often enough in movies. LOL my mum was brilliant at spotting them. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” Isn’t that what Indiana Jones said when the gig Arab guy dressed in black was spinning his sword before Indi pulled his gun and popped him?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      She’s more like a a tornado coming at you when you enter the box. And in the car on the ride home, she counts and describes her wounds. With a smile.

      That quote could have applied to Indiana Jones, particularly in that fight. I’d heard Harrison Ford improvised on that scene, too. His belly hurt, so he passed on the duel with the ninja and took care of it with one gunshot.

  3. That first one, I think we had one too here for pencils and never even realized it. Go figure 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Maybe you and my mom were in cahoots, Janine. It’s okay to say it.

  4. Sandy Ramsey says:

    You know my favorite part of this post was about Elise, right? I love when you write about your girls. Your love and pride just rockets off the page. It’s one of my favorite things about you.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      It was my favorite, too, Sandy. And you know how I feel about Star Wars.

      It’s so easy to be proud of them. Even more than what they do, it’s for who they are.

  5. vrein11 says:

    Your post totally made me smile today! I will ask my boys about that star wars question- I am sure they could answer you! And your daughter??? !! LOVE her spunk! gets it from her Dad I would bet!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Glad the post did the trick, Vicki! Theories abound on the whole “was Han Solo still handcuffed?” debate. As a kid I thought maybe they broke from the cold.

      I love her spunk, too! That’s all her though – I hardly ever got off the bench in any game I played. I’m in awe when I watch my girls play.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    This reminds me, I have to get a Lego Han Solo. I have the “frozen” block version of him but not the before or after.

    I love Elise’s question, or at least how it was asked 🙂

    Nobody should be subjected to the Hallmark Channel. Ever.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’m just happy I can find Lego Han Solos online (pictures, anyway). I didn’t even know there was a carbonite version!

      I loved how she asked, too, and it deserved an honest answer, didn’t it?

      What would i do if Hallmark made a movie about Hope Solo?

  7. A.PROMPTreply says:

    Love the question about the bank tube…..I’m so glad it’s not just my son that asks questions like this….must be their wholesome upbringing…makes them wonder about life on the other side….am glad things like a bank tube are all they come up with!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’d rather them ask these questions that go find out themselves. These questions keep me sharp, Torrie. And they keep me curious, too. I love how their minds work, and hope mine works that way too.

  8. kristimaloney says:

    Your daughter sounds like an awesome goalie. I used to play goalie as a kid. While those days are long over for me, my son plays soccer and it is now his favorite position. He does pretty well, but needs to be a bit more aggressive to make those tough saves.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      She’s the best, Kristi. Once a keeper always a keeper, so you’re in the sorority. Plus, it looks as if it’s hereditary. How’s he doing?

  9. “We usually just call them,” made me laugh out loud!!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I know – I was hoping for a high-speed chase or drain of a bank account, something.

  10. kismaslife says:

    I worked as a bank teller a lifetime ago and we would always laugh when someone drove away with the canisters cause we couldn’t fathom what a person would so with them.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I’d like to have one around the house as sort of a trophy, Tiffany. More every day.

  11. I’m so relieved that boys ask less questions….. ha Isa keeper like a goalie in soccer? I know nothing about sports. You are so right about the caste system. I am such a sucker for giving them that extra $20/month. groan. A fool and his money are soon parted, and we have an Alabama football obsession that we feed too much.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      What would I do on Fridays if they didn’t ask questions, though?

      Yes, a keeper is a goalie in soccer. Purists often won’t call the soccer version a goalie, because that’s for hockey. I’m not so pure, but I do prefer ‘keeper.’

      I’d rather have fewer TV options. I grew up on three network channels, and got cable when I was a teenager. That’s a lot of HBO and unscrambled Playboy Channel to keep a boy inside on a summer’s night when he should be outside swinging a baseball bat. Or so I’ve heard.

      I get my NFL action, some World Cup and all my alma mater’s home games on TV, so that works for me! (UNC Charlotte – we just got a football team two seasons ago, so we’re not going to the Sugar Bowl any time soon, but it’s been a blast, even if we’re just playing Elon and James Madison.)

  12. Rhonda Albom says:

    Fun. Now you have me wondering if I am the only person who orders water and drinks water. What is a bank capsule? Another mystery that seems to only boggle me.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Rhonda. I sometimes do get water in a water cup, but sometimes I get a swig of Powerade and then another of Dr. Pepper, just to wash things down.

      The bank capsule is that contraption you use in the drive-thru to send your checks to the teller. It’s a little space-age shuttle thing that I’d kind of like to have around the house for bragging rights now.

  13. ksbeth says:

    the ‘tube’ inquiry makes me wonder….. ))

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      they *all* make me wonder beth – and put all together, are they a blueprint to a plan to conquer the world?

  14. To me, the only non-Star Wars person in here, Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones and the Fugitive. And of course the investment banker who changes his shirt at the office in Working Girl 🙂

    I love that Elise is such a brave goalie!

    Your pencil box was a money capsule? Now that’s an interesting memory!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Can you imagine a man being both Han Solo and Indiana Jones at the same time? I’ve imagined it.

      Working Girl is one of those Harrison Ford movies that aren’t essential to the Harrison Ford experience, for a guy.

      I love even more when opposing parents can see Elise as someone’s brave kid and not just a hindrance to their own daughters’ glory. that happens.

      Yeah, it was a cool, roomy pencil box, better than any box at school. How was I to know it was also hot?

      1. See, again, as a non-Star Wars Person Han Solo is a goalie… it’s all very confusing.

        You have a point. Working Girl is probably not on any essential list whatsoever. Unless you had your first office job at that time and liked Carly Simon.

        Do you ever think as “other people’s kids” when you observe players, own or opposing, on the field?

        Your hot pencil box has a story to tell. We want to read it on the blog. This is an assignment!!

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        HOPE Solo is the goalie. Yes, yes she is.

        Anyway, I most certainly see players as kids first – i don’t always see parents with that kindness. But definitely the kids. There was one girl who was quite aggressive as a forward against Elise. Elise took a lot of physical toll in that game, and she was part of it.

        Once when Elise got hammered and took her time to get up, she said she felt someone helping her. She looked and it was that player. “You okay?” she asked. I think Elise earned her respect, and that player’s gesture went a long way, too.

        Assignment logged!

  15. You get the Hallmark Channel?! Damn I’m jealous! I LOVE that channel come November…oh and you’re not missing much on ESPN these days. Just bafoons spouting their endless opinions.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I think it’s in the package, Kristen, but I just never go there. How can I? Between Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, there’s a lot of programming for my kids to absorb all the undesirable behavior they can handle. (Maybe I blame TV a bit much and exaggerate some – it’s not like my girls are on a constant quest to top Zach and Cody.)

      Much as I love sports, I’ve not been a fan of ESPN since my college days. It’s really … noisy, as you said.

  16. Rorybore says:

    I have no idea what those bank capsule things are??? or goal keeping. I do know the dangers of playing 3rd base though…. that is an actual baseball reference BTW.
    I also always thought they did in fact uncuff Han Solo, because a) there is no other good reason for them to walk over and stand in front of him, clearly doing something with his hands, and b) you can see after he is frozen that his hands are raised in front of him, separated. which you could not do cuffed. Also, when Leia frees him in Return of the Jedi: no cuffs on his hands when he falls to the floor.
    so, mystery solved. sleep easy my friend. 🙂

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      They’re the things you put your deposit slips in when you use the drive-thru at the bank. We’ve talked about the plight of the third baseman – “God loves drunks and third basemen.”

      All those are true, Rore, and yet, why does Han keep his hands together after the ugnaughts step away?

      1. Rorybore says:

        because he’s staring lovingly at Leia silly! 😉

        but one of us simply has to meet Harrison Ford and ask him about it. I already know he shot first, so I can lead with that. ha

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        We should make a list of villains who could have actually won had they just shut their mouths and disposed of the hero. Greedo might top the list.

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