🐟 Go Ask Daddy About Fish Food, Amphibious Ambles and the Value of a Kickoff Field Goal

photo credit: Hunting Easter bunny. via photopin (license)
photo credit: Hunting Easter bunny. via photopin (license)

Back in the day, your dad could move, girls.

GAD GRAPHICBy move, I don’t mean walk downstairs without groaning. (Although I could do that too.) In football, I played on the kickoff team normal for a sixth-string linebacker/fullback.) Sometimes, I’d even make a tackle on one of the three plays a game I got into.

I thought I’d lost the blaze – until the day, as a grown-ass dad, I saw fins sticking up out of the ocean.

While my kids played in the water.

As anyone who tries to scream a warning at the beach knows, no one hears you. It’s like whispering in Chuck E. Cheese. But I was moving, headed toward the girls before the kid-eating sharks could chomp up our family tree.

I was like Willie Gault’s and Jackie Joyner-Kersey’s love child.

It turns out, the animal beneath those villainous fins? Dolphins. I heard dolphins can be real jerks. So, I’m kind of a hero.

sea creature
photo credit: Boogeyman13 via photopin cc

1. What’s at the top of the food chain for sea creatures?

Not dolphins.

It depends on the body of water, but you can count on two perennial champs of the saltwater chomp:

KILLER WHALE | What eats a killer whale? Nothing. They hunt in packs, like salmon (just like dad) and seals. But they also eat sharks! That’s like giving bad, bad LeRoy Brown a black eye.

GREAT WHITE SHARK | No, not Macklemore. A great white can smell a drop of blood in 10 billion drops of water. They’ll sense you wiggling at more than 820 feet. Lucky for you, humans aren’t tasty.

The other three might surprise you.

A Polar bear can swim hundreds of miles from land, and sometimes eat narwhal! (They might even use their horns as toothpicks). Leopard seals spend most of their time looking for food (just like dad) and sometimes even eat platypus!

Sea lions are massive (2,500 pounds) and opportunistic eaters (just like dad) who have only killer whales and great whites to fear.

panthers nfl 2018 gametime bank of america stadium press box
Is it NFL season yet?

2. Why is TV on a delay for NFL games?

So that your dad can talk on the phone to someone and ‘predict’ what play the Panthers will call next.

Broadcast for live sports operates on a 7-second delay – just in case someone drops a profane phrase on the field. There must be a guy who keeps his finger on the button. It’s no easy job. Rumor is they pay the dude time and a half for all games Tom Brady plays.

If you hear silence in the broadcast, you can bet it’s to mask some blue language.

Sometimes, the profane slips it’s way beautifully past the sensors. Remember Abby Wambach’s spirited F-bomb? Delivered just before the second half, it propelled the U.S. women’s soccer team past China in the World Cup. !@#$%! Yeah!

photo credit: Pristimantis orcesi via photopin (license)

3. Can frogs walk?

Yes, they can, but did you know not all frogs can jump?

Land-loving frogs have shorter legs than their aquatic counterparts to make walking easier. Water-living frogs have long legs and webbed feet so they can make like Ian Thorpe and break speed records. They can also make like Dwight Phillips in this video.

Do you know the difference between a hop and a jump?

(We’ll leave the skip out of the equation for time constraints.) A hop is off one foot, the same foot landing. A jump is off two feet, two feet landing. (A leap, incidentally, is off one foot, opposite foot landing.)

photo credit: HckySo via photopin cc

4. In baseball, why do teams play the same team so many times?

So that all the teams get their shots in at my Colorado Rockies.

The Rockies are like that slow-moving piñata even the kindergartners can demolish. Each major league team plays 162 games. Ballplayers get an off day once every 10 days, much like Walmart cashiers.

With four other teams in your division and 14 in your league, you get to see the same opponent a lot.

Teams play their division rivals most. If you’re best among your division peers, you win the division. Usually. A team can win a division with a record weaker than a team in another division that finished second place or worse. Fair? Probably not.

field goal
photo credit: SOON via photopin (license)

5. Has anyone ever made a field goal on a kickoff, and does it count for anything?

The NFL kickoff has become the most useless moment in sports this side of a pitcher stepping off the mound to get a runner back to a base. A kickoff that goes through the uprights counts for nothing and happens all the time.

It probably sparks little kids asking their moms and dads if it counts.

In 2011, the NFL moved the kickoff from the 30 to the 35-yard line. They considered in 2014 moving it to the 40, in the name of player safety. Namely, concussion prevention.

Kickoffs are a dangerous place for collisions. More touchbacks mean fewer collisions. Even at the expense of the exciting world of kickoff returns.

They used to call the outside players on the kickoff team kamikazes. A kamikaze was a suicide military attack by Japanese pilots against Allied naval vessels in World War II.

I’d rather my kid play nose tackle, defensive midfielder, even goalkeeper – before my kid plays a position with a history like that.

concussions quote


  1. Anxious Mom says:

    Oh my goodness. I can relate, as I was at the beach with LM this summer and two sharks swam up about 10 feet behind him while knee deep in the water (at Myrtle Beach, around when all the other shark sightings were high). I couldn’t even make words come out, I just rant out gesturing wildly at him.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I heard it said that anyone who’s spent time in ocean water has been within 5 feet of a shark.

      It was a shark-lousy summer in Carolina. I like it better when the worst thing you have to worry about at the beach is jellyfish and overpriced pizza.

  2. Lyn says:

    Ummm….Leopard seals spend most of their time looking for food (just like dad) and sometimes even eat platypus! Platypus? Don’t worry Eli, I won’t blab to your other readers 🙄 😀

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      What? It’s a tender meat and low in cholesterol. (burp)

      1. Lyn says:

        LOL you’re incorrigible 🙄

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        That’s what my teachers said, Lyn.

  3. laurie27wsmith says:

    Am I the first today, hmm? Very sporty today Mate. There’d be nothing worse than seeing that fin when the girls are in the water. Sand wouldn’t be the only thing in your swimmers you’d have to worry about. Did I tell you about the time I jumped off a pier as a boy and landed on a shark? One thing I know about frogs is this, when they leap off the wall outside and pee in your eye it hurts like a bitch. That’s all you need to know about frogs. Oh and they cook really quickly when your solar hot water system boils over into the drain.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Almost, mate. Today did have a sporty spin. I was ready to go hand-to-fin with the sharp-toothed bastard.

      So you’re the one who originated the term “jump the shark”? I wonder if a salamander’s piss would also irritate the eye. How can we find out?

      I just hope your three amigos frogs weren’t the ones you cooked, Laurence.

      1. laurie27wsmith says:

        Only almost? I don’t see any previous comments. I could see you punching it like the surfer did the other week. I think the term was, ‘WHAT THE…….?” Only one way to find out old son, first, pick up your Salamander… No they weren’t the Amigos, this was a week after we moved in. Poor buggers.

      2. Eli Pacheco says:

        Here in the U.S., there are a few ahead of you mate. But who’s counting? I was going to punch the shark or tickle it, I hadn’t decided which.

      3. laurie27wsmith says:

        I never see the previous posters Mate. Punch the shark, tickles only make them come closer.

  4. OK, so I am still stuck on the pic of the Lindt Bunny as the ones my girls got have been gone for months now. Yup, chocolate with three girls (myself included) in this house doesn’t have a shot of lasting for even a week after Easter sadly here! But still now I wish it did, because those bunnies are pretty damn tasty. Just saying! Happy Friday and great answers to even better questions once again 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Chocolate bunnies of any grade don’t have long lives around here, Janine. Valentine’s candy boxes empty quickly around here, too. My girls consider a container a serving size. Not sure where they got that idea.

      And they don’t taste just like chicken.

      Glad you liked the lot of them today!

  5. Kim says:

    Sharks… Ugh. One got spotted where o was swimming and I got put of the water and stayed out for the rest of the day.

    Okay, fine. We were at a pool party, watching Jaws being projected onto a screen. Even so, I got sick of the opportunistic kids who kept trying to scare everyone. Also, you weren’t allowed to eat popcorn in the pool. Poolside? A-ok. 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Shark Week is close enough for me, Kim.

      And rules are rules. You did right. In the movies, those are the kids who get eaten first, aren’t they?

      I’m about to watch Sharknado 1 AND too with the girls. Classic moment!

  6. garym6059 says:

    Count your blessings you don’t have to root for the Cincinnati Reds every day.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      We’re both looking down on the Phillies, my friend! #SuckyButNotThatSucky

  7. I love these posts! They are so hilarious, but every single time I learn something new!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Thanks Rena! You can imagine what I learn when I have to put them together.

  8. Julia Tomiak says:

    When my husband was out body boarding, a porpoise popped up about two feet away from him. He booked back to shore. It totally freaked him out that the animal got so close without him seeing. Gotta hate murky Atlantic water.
    Have fun at the beach this weekend, everyone! 😉

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I wonder if the porpoise’s story was that he was swimming along and this dude on a body board popped up about 2 feet away from him …

      Crabs and other sea creatures have nipped at and crawled over my toes in the ocean, too.

      This kind of stuff doesn’t happen on the Florida Panhandle coast.

  9. ksbeth says:

    bunny ears, chomp chomp! great white, chomp chomp!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      who would win between a chocolate bunny and a shark, beth?

  10. kismaslife says:

    I was 13 when I saw my first “shark” before my mother informed me it was a dolphin. I was both excited and disappointed!

    And the language that comes from my sister in laws mouth during a Bronco’s football game is horrific- I need that remote we talked about with the mute button a few weeks back!

    Have a great weekend!

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I wonder how dolphins feel when people think they’re sharks at first, then say, “oh, it was *only* a dolphin.”Maybe this is why dolphins are a-holes.

      Most kids in Colorado learn their first (and worst) bad words during Broncos season. I know I did.

  11. You hopped, jumped, and leapt my brain today Eli – I had no clue about lots of things you mentioned.

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      There’s a universe of worthless knowledge just waiting to be plucked, Deborah. I’m just the guy to pluck it.

  12. So many great aspects in this post! Starting off with the Swiss chocolate bunny! And seeing Laurie re-surfacing!

    I’m glad it wasn’t a shark, but I’m still proud of you for rescuing your girls!

    I had no idea about the 7 seconds, but it makes total sense! One hockey season they installed several microphones throughout the ice rink, one was in the penalty box. A certain player spent too much time in there and used too many bad words. This was the end of the audience getting to listen to the guys.

    Ever heard about the scientist’s experiment with a leaping frog?

    PS: you were hungry when you were writing this, am I right?

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      Anyplace there’s Swiss chocolate and salty ex-pats from Australia, we’re in business around here, Tamara.

      I also once rescued Marie from a raging jellyfish. We don’t like to talk about that one.

      Someone should have made transcripts of the penalty-box rampages and ranked them for originality and grammar.

      I didn’t know about the leaping-frog experiment. What is it?

      I was hungry before I wrote this. During, and after, too.

  13. Colin Gerber says:

    I understand this is a family friendly blog, so I can’t repeat the most offensive statements this particular player made. Let’s just say it went beyond the usual trash talk, I am glad he retired at the end of last season. He was a great scorer but lacked decency.

    The scientist wanted to measure how far his frog could leap, so he told the frog “go, jump!” The frog leaped, and the scientist wrote down “frog, 4 legs, leaps 4 feet”. Then he went ahead and cut off one leg. Again he said “go, froggy, leap!” The frog jumped 3 feet this time. The notes said “frog, 3 legs, jumps 3 feet.”
    You fill in the middle part.
    After the scientist cut off the 4th leg, he would say “go, froggy, jump!” Nothing. “Come on, leap!” Nothing. The scientist wrote “frog, 0 legs, deaf.”

    1. Eli Pacheco says:

      I wonder what kind of work a foul-mouthed ex-hockey player can get?

      Love the frog story! Well, except for the frog part. All in the name of science, though, right?

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