I wasn’t bragging, but I said it.
You might not know that I don’t believe in jinxes.
To prove that, I once declared on our way into a rural Walmart between soccer matches that we’d win the rest of our games that season. “Dad!” the kids protested. “You just jinxed us!”
I didn’t though. We won some, we lost some. Jinx schminx. Jesus has better things to do than punish me for my big mouth. Did I jinx myself this time with the writer’s block bit?
As time ticked toward midnight last night, I found myself staring at a blank screen for today’s post. Shit.
It didn’t help that [this was going on] on a larger screen in front of me.
So clearly, this is Peyton Manning’s fault.
1. How is there a second Titanic?
The prospects of a Titanic sequel sound about as appealing as Retro Bubonic Plague Night.
And I’m just talking the movie. Romance my ass – Titanic was a mashup of a prostate exam with a sandpaper glove and a Sam and Kat marathon. Titanic the movie clocked in at 3 hours, 30 minutes. That’s 220 minutes of sinking ship. I’d rather watch the Rockies’ bullpen implode.
As if a sequel to a sinking ship wasn’t enough … this fool has commissioned a replica of the Titanic – the ship, not the movie – to set sail in 2016, on the same course as the original ship.
Maybe we could bundle tickets for the voyage with a one-way ticket on the Hindenberg II.
2. Is guajillo pepper hot?
Only to the ultimate gringo.
Who am I kidding? Chop up a Pablano or Anaheim – both chiles lower than guadajillo on the Scoville Heat Scale – on my enchiladas, and I’ll need a glass of milk. This is what happens when a Chicano kid grows up in a white neighborhood. They’re commonly used in my dad’s home state of New Mexico.
Guajillos are ideal for tamale salsa.
3. Can I throw this apple core at a car?
My teachers used to tell my parents on parent-teacher conferences that “Eli takes things a LITTLE too far.” This apparently replicates genetically.
Tossing an apple core from a moving car is still considered littering. Never mind the gratitude a hungry squirrel or pile of mealworms would show for such a roadside gift. But no, you girls take it a step further: Rather than simply return an apple core to the earth, you’d like to use it as a weapon.
The answer is yes, you can. As long as dad’s driving. And the car you hit is headed the opposite direction.
4. Do you have to use olive oil in these new pans?
These pans rock, don’t they?
I haven’t tried it, but I’m pretty sure I could toss pancakes in the air like this lady in this ad:
Non-stick pans at one point in my life felt as right as Christina Aguilera blaspheming A-Ha! by using music from “Take On Me” with Pitbull in “Feel This Moment.” Or as right as vegetable lasagna. You get my point. I’ve turned a corner on this, however.
For the long-term life of a non-stick pan, olive oil isn’t as bad as non-stick cooking spray. (Why would you use non-stick cooking spray on a non-stick pan? Is it a double-negative? Do you then create a stick surface by introducing two positives? Are there any scientists out there?)
Olive oil heats my eggs evenly and consistently, which helps me to avoid that crunchy egg part I hate. If it happens that my non-stick pans last eight years rather than 11 – I’m okay with that.
5. Did you play on computers when you were in school?
Are you kidding? Without we Gen Xers, you kids’d be playing with jacks and old tires right now.
Maybe not. But we did play on computers. Hell, I remember the first wristwatches that had a calculator on them. A calculator! My gifted and talented class spent weeks in the computer lab, programming our nerdy hearts out.
One kid, David Hagans, replicated a screen from the high-action video game Pitfall. I don’t remember what other kids did, but I created a replica of the Washington Federals logo. That wasn’t even my favorite USFL team.
Anyway, I even typed up my school newspaper articles in high school on an actual PC. It’s like a laptop, but 329 times heavier. I think they had iron casings, too. There were Apple computers, but you needed a friend to help you move one.
Portable device? What is this, Buck Rogers? Hey, we had floppy disks, too. And then, hard disks. Hell with The Cloud.
Anyway, believe it or not, we even started to use the Internet when I was in college. Back then, some sites closed at 11. Can you believe that? So when the first sites came out that didn’t close, that was a big deal.
“Open 24 hours!” Hell, you can get a Big Mac 24 hours now.
I’m feeling writer’s block coming on again. Or maybe it’s just hunger.
Go Ask Daddy is a weekly roundup of questions my kids have asked – and one dad’s official response. Actual results my vary.