I’m nervous, y’all.
Disney got its mitts on Star Wars. I know. They’ve done all this authentic stuff and will preserve the saga and all that. They have Daddy Warbucks dollars to toss behind this and probably even a few Gen Xers who grew up with the original three movies on staff to keep it real.
This? This isn’t real. This came off a Target candy shelf.
I’m not saying it’s blasphemous … but I might have done the sign of the cross when I put this down. The one with the kiss on my hand at the end.
I want to be excited that a third of the magic trifecta of my youth – of Star Wars, dinosaurs and football – is about to get a 2015 Jenny Jones makeover.
Better effects. More technology. Incredible hype.
The boy in me wants there to always be another Star Wars movie. I waited three years for Empire Strikes Back. To a 6-year-old boy, that’s a thousand Christmases and 1100 birthdays.
It’s also 500 lunches waiting to sit next to your crush – combined.
I’m nervous, y’all.
It wasn’t about effects and technology and hype back then. It was about magic and triumph and the coolest action figures. I learned all I could about every character and dreamed up some of my own, but never shared them.
Star Wars? It was sacred.
It shouldn’t be added to. Just appreciated. And never, ever this.
That’s why I’m nervous.
1. Why do you always use pictures of stormtroopers on your blog?
It’s been told before, but I don’t like to pass up a chance for another story of my dad.
Dad worked many odd jobs after the meat packing plant where he worked laid off tons of people. He kept late hours and worked long days. Including my birthday. My weeknight party went off as usual, but I missed my dad. Even with all that cake around.
Dad showed up just before the cake, actually. Or maybe it was just after?
Doesn’t matter. He came in tired and I ran to him happy. I didn’t even care he didn’t have big birthday presents in his hands. Then he pulled out two Star Wars figures from his pocket – Han Solo and a stormtrooper.
Only, they were out of the package, with their guns in their hands.
That was the best part of the present.
I imagined dad sitting in his truck, at night and in the cold, opening the packages and putting the guns in the figures’ hands. That image made me giggle as a little boy. It makes me smile as a grownup.
So the stormtroopers are a nod to a man who did that for his boy one cold November night.
2. How do they get extra-large eggs?
Did you know extra large isn’t even where they stop? There’s a jumbo division, too!
The U.S. Department of Agriculture divides eggs like this (weight measured by the dozen):
SMALL | 18 ounces (about 1.5 oz. per egg)
MEDIUM | 21 ounces (about 1.75 oz. per egg)
LARGE | 24 ounces (about 2 oz. per egg)
EXTRA-LARGE | 27 ounces (about 2.25 oz. per egg)
JUMBO | 30 ounces (about 2.5 oz. per egg)
Who lays those behemoth omelet makers? It’s likely the regal single-comb white leghorn hen. If she’s up in age – you know, no spring chicken – she’s even more likely to lay a mammoth egg.
You also want this hen to be on the heavier side, with a low-stress hatching environment and plenty of space.
So you can not only be too short to be a stormtrooper, you can be too skinny to be a jumbo egg-layer.
3. Is Seahawks one word?
In football, anyway. It’s especially one word when your star running back gives one-word answers. Behold, Mr. Marshawn Lynch, in monosyllabic beast mode.
(My bad! He used three words a couple of times.)
I’ll give him this: He does deal with the press. I know what a pain in the ass the press can be. And after he incurred a $100,000 for not talking to the press postgame, well, he definitely talked.
There’s no such thing as an actual seahawk.
Ospreys and skuas come close. They’re hawkish and seaish. The official Seattle Seahawks mascot, a trained bird that flies ahead of the team ouf of the tunnel, is an auger buzzard. But that doesn’t sound nearly as cool.
It’s African, and not even seafaring.
Skuas kind of fit the team better. They’re kleptoparasitists. That means they steal food after other birds have hunted it. Kind of like the Seahawks’ punch-the-ball-out defense.
Okay, enough NFL bashing. Good thing you didn’t ask about raiders.
4. Why are English cop cars yellow and blue?
Stuff in other countries is just … jacked up, kids.
I’m sorry, but it’s true. Ever see money, traffic signs or toilets in other lands? Holy hell they’re strange.
The United Kingdom uses a system of checked colors to identify emergency services called Batterberg Markings. No sleek silver Crown Vics or bronze Dodge Chargers, mate. The blue and yellow marks the car as police. The rest:
GREEN/YELLOW | Ambulance
RED/YELLOW | Fire
ORANGE/YELLOW | Blood service
BLACK/YELLOW | Highways agency
BLUE/ORANGE | Rail response
ORANGE/WHITE | Mountain rescue
GREEN/BLUE | Cookie response
Okay, I made that last one up. But can you imagine?
5. What’s the record for fumbles on one play?
There’s not an official record for fumbles on one play. Chiefs quarterback Len Dawson, in probably his franchise’s most incredible feat, fumbled seven times in a game against San Diego in 1964. Kerry Collins, the Carolina Panthers first first-round draft pick, shares the record for season fumbles. He did it after his Panthers career, while with the New York Giants.
He and Vikings stiff Daunte Culpepper coughed it up 23 times, Collins in 2001, Culpepper in ’02.
Former Canadian Football League star and long-time NFL quarterback Warren Moon ranks as the Hank Aaron of fumbles. His 161 career drops sets the standard. That’s what 16 seasons with mostly crappy teams will get you.
And check out this poor dude:
Here’s hoping Disney doesn’t fumble on Dec. 18.
Go Ask Daddy is a collaborative production in which three daughters pepper a dad with questions, and he fumbles around with his smartphone to type them into his note-taking app before he forgets them.