Go Ask Daddy About Imperial Soldiers, Fake Mascots and Kings of Dropping the Ball


photo credit: Waiting for a new day via photopin (license)
photo credit: Waiting for a new day via photopin (license)

I’m nervous, y’all.

GAD GRAPHICDisney got its mitts on Star Wars. I know. They’ve done all this authentic stuff and will preserve the saga and all that. They have Daddy Warbucks dollars to toss behind this and probably even a few Gen Xers who grew up with the original three movies on staff to keep it real.

This? This isn’t real. This came off a Target candy shelf.

EJP
EJP

I’m not saying it’s blasphemous … but I might have done the sign of the cross when I put this down. The one with the kiss on my hand at the end.

I want to be excited that a third of the magic trifecta of my youth – of Star Wars, dinosaurs and football – is about to get a 2015 Jenny Jones makeover.

Better effects. More technology. Incredible hype.

The boy in me wants there to always be another Star Wars movie. I waited three years for Empire Strikes Back. To a 6-year-old boy, that’s a thousand Christmases and 1100 birthdays.

It’s also 500 lunches waiting to sit next to your crush – combined.

I’m nervous, y’all.

It wasn’t about effects and technology and hype back then. It was about magic and triumph and the coolest action figures. I learned all I could about every character and dreamed up some of my own, but never shared them.

Star Wars? It was sacred.

It shouldn’t be added to. Just appreciated. And never, ever this.

That’s why I’m nervous.

1. Why do you always use pictures of stormtroopers on your blog?

photo credit: Stormtrooper via photopin (license)
photo credit: Stormtrooper via photopin (license)

It’s been told before, but I don’t like to pass up a chance for another story of my dad.

Dad worked many odd jobs after the meat packing plant where he worked laid off tons of people. He kept late hours and worked long days. Including my birthday. My weeknight party went off as usual, but I missed my dad. Even with all that cake around.

Dad showed up just before the cake, actually. Or maybe it was just after?

Doesn’t matter. He came in tired and I ran to him happy. I didn’t even care he didn’t have big birthday presents in his hands. Then he pulled out two Star Wars figures from his pocket – Han Solo and a stormtrooper.

Only, they were out of the package, with their guns in their hands.

That was the best part of the present.

I imagined dad sitting in his truck, at night and in the cold, opening the packages and putting the guns in the figures’ hands. That image made me giggle as a little boy. It makes me smile as a grownup.

So the stormtroopers are a nod to a man who did that for his boy one cold November night.

2. How do they get extra-large eggs?

photo credit: nuff eggs! via photopin (license)
photo credit: nuff eggs! via photopin (license)

Did you know extra large isn’t even where they stop? There’s a jumbo division, too!

The U.S. Department of Agriculture divides eggs like this (weight measured by the dozen):

SMALL | 18 ounces (about 1.5 oz. per egg)

MEDIUM | 21 ounces (about 1.75 oz. per egg)

LARGE | 24 ounces (about 2 oz. per egg)

EXTRA-LARGE | 27 ounces (about 2.25 oz. per egg)

JUMBO | 30 ounces (about 2.5 oz. per egg)

Who lays those behemoth omelet makers? It’s likely the regal single-comb white leghorn hen. If she’s up in age – you know, no spring chicken – she’s even more likely to lay a mammoth egg.

You also want this hen to be on the heavier side, with a low-stress hatching environment and plenty of space.

So you can not only be too short to be a stormtrooper, you can be too skinny to be a jumbo egg-layer.

3. Is Seahawks one word?

photo credit: Raising the 12th Man flag via photopin (license)
photo credit: Raising the 12th Man flag via photopin (license)

In football, anyway. It’s especially one word when your star running back gives one-word answers. Behold, Mr. Marshawn Lynch, in monosyllabic beast mode.

(My bad! He used three words a couple of times.)

I’ll give him this: He does deal with the press. I know what a pain in the ass the press can be. And after he incurred a $100,000 for not talking to the press postgame, well, he definitely talked.

There’s no such thing as an actual seahawk.

Ospreys and skuas come close. They’re hawkish and seaish. The official Seattle Seahawks mascot, a trained bird that flies ahead of the team ouf of the tunnel, is an auger buzzard. But that doesn’t sound nearly as cool.

It’s African, and not even seafaring.

Skuas kind of fit the team better. They’re kleptoparasitists. That means they steal food after other birds have hunted it. Kind of like the Seahawks’ punch-the-ball-out defense.

Okay, enough NFL bashing. Good thing you didn’t ask about raiders.

4. Why are English cop cars yellow and blue?

english
photo credit: Cyprus Police Opel via photopin (license)

Stuff in other countries is just … jacked up, kids.

I’m sorry, but it’s true. Ever see money, traffic signs or toilets in other lands? Holy hell they’re strange.

The United Kingdom uses a system of checked colors to identify emergency services called Batterberg Markings. No sleek silver Crown Vics or bronze Dodge Chargers, mate. The blue and yellow marks the car as police. The rest:

GREEN/YELLOW | Ambulance

RED/YELLOW | Fire

ORANGE/YELLOW | Blood service

BLACK/YELLOW | Highways agency

BLUE/ORANGE | Rail response

ORANGE/WHITE | Mountain rescue

GREEN/BLUE | Cookie response

Okay, I made that last one up. But can you imagine?

5. What’s the record for fumbles on one play?

photo credit: 0049446_2.jpg via photopin (license)
photo credit: 0049446_2.jpg via photopin (license)

There’s not an official record for fumbles on one play. Chiefs quarterback Len Dawson, in probably his franchise’s most incredible feat, fumbled seven times in a game against San Diego in 1964. Kerry Collins, the Carolina Panthers first first-round draft pick, shares the record for season fumbles. He did it after his Panthers career, while with the New York Giants.

He and Vikings stiff Daunte Culpepper coughed it up 23 times, Collins in 2001, Culpepper in ’02.

Former Canadian Football League star and long-time NFL quarterback Warren Moon ranks as the Hank Aaron of fumbles. His 161 career drops sets the standard. That’s what 16 seasons with mostly crappy teams will get you.

And check out this poor dude:

Here’s hoping Disney doesn’t fumble on Dec. 18.


Go Ask Daddy is a collaborative production in which three daughters pepper a dad with questions, and he fumbles around with his smartphone to type them into his note-taking app before he forgets them.

fumble quote

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40 Replies to “Go Ask Daddy About Imperial Soldiers, Fake Mascots and Kings of Dropping the Ball”

      1. Ha. You mignt be surprised. They are like the best eggs you’ve had times 10 and nutritious to boot. K nuff with the food talk. I’m glad your girls gave you a chance to tell the story. Likewise with dad.

  1. I want to have hope about the latest Stars Wars that I just bought tickets to see it in 3D IMAX the day after it opens in December, but like you definitely a bit nervous. I guess we shall see and time will tell on this one now.

  2. Oh, I know just what you mean about being nervous, Eli. And that video of the dancing Vader? Sacrilege! Of course we have to go and see it, you know we do. Sadly, I’m thinking there’s just no way we’re ever going to have that same sort of excitement now in our middle years as we did when we were young…..even if it were the best of them all (which I’m not holding out hope for). On the other side……we have many more words now tocondemn it with should it fail to live up to our hopes!

  3. Star Wars is religion. You don’t mess with it – light side or dark. I’m hoping there are no big surprises. They learned their lesson with JarJar. Jumbo eggs always have two yolks. Here in Canada we have blue, red, brown, and purple bills (along with two coins called Loonies and Toonies). Feels like Monopoly. I’m still waiting to pass go and collect my $200.

    1. Amen brother. It’s an institution at the least. Just do right by the saga, that’s all I ask. Mr. Binks not withstanding.

      I didn’t know that fun fact about jumbo eggs. I’m just thinking, more omelet.

      don’t you guys have holograms and see-through windows? You should have color-coded money depending on hockey allegiances.

      1. There are hockey players (playing on a frozen pond) on the purple 5 dollar bill. The trailers for Star Wars look good. Judging by that, it looks like they did right. It’s not like Mr. Lucas is dead.

  4. I imagine as your dad was setting up the figures he probably imitated them fighting too 🙂

    I say…I say, boy, I can’t believe there is a mention of a leghorn chicken but no reference to Foghorn Leghorn.

    I’m going with cautious optimism for the new movie. Pros: The trailer is already better than the one for Phantom Menace in terms of content and how I feel about the potential plot, and the addition of BB-8 (aka R2SoccerBall in my world).

    Cons: I think the trailers give some potential spoilers away already, and I am a big fan of leaving well enough alone (or in the Original Trilogy’s case, leaving amazing alone). Even if this movie is wow, super, great…then we have to wait on two more and hope they keep the momentum with true fans vs. Disney doing what they do best (overcharge for something that is overhyped)

    1. I hadn’t taken the vision that far but I’m glad you did! Foghorn Leghorn is implied any time there’s a coop full of hens. He’s the man.

      I’m trying to forget Phantom Menace honestly. I don’t know about BB-8. He feels so mainstream. I was more of the camp of IG-88 and the like. Give me the strange and the obscure.

      I just don’t want anyone who writes for Dog with a Blog to come anywhere near the Star Wars stuff.

      1. I will say BB-8 is a pro only because if he is the comic relief, he is limited to beeps and whistles. M has already pointed out that if it turns out he is annoying like that “thing” in Episode 1, then I may be regretting going on record with any of this!

  5. This is the first time I’ve read your explanation about the Storm Troopers. It made me happy. I’m terrified that the next Star Wars movie will end up like the last (previous) three. Geared (I felt) towards grabbing a new audience that was used to the flash of CGI and modern magic. I’m not old enough to remember any of the original three coming out, but I do remember watching them with my father back when VHS was still a thing, and being completely captivated by it. I also remember being let down when the latest three came out. (I actually fell asleep during the last one!) It had some of the same characters, but it wasn’t the same set of movies. There’s a part of me that’s inwardly begging that things somehow ‘go back to the way it was’ and I can enjoy the new movie as thoroughly as I did the first ones I watched.
    Also, your comment about other countries being jacked up in their emergency vehicle coloring….spot on. The worst junker I drove in my last department is still flashier and a hell of a lot cooler than anything I’ve seen come out of the EU. (Dubai has us beat though)

    1. Thanks brother. I was grateful for the opportunity to tell it again.

      The last three were abominations largely. Barely recognizable. They could have fared better making “Weekend at Bernie’s” 4, 5 and 6.

      If these bomb, I will always have the option of VHS of the original three. i’ll bring my kids in and enjoy.

      What do they drive in Dubai? Seeing those taxi-cab wannabe cop cars make me even prouder to be in Merica.

      1. Even with the last three…I’m greatly anticipating the latest. I too own the originals, and will watch them with the boys, without ever mentioning the others. (Such as I treat the Indiana Jones movies now…I refuse to watch the latest.)
        As for the Dubai police? They win.
        http://www.google.com/search?q=dubai+police+cars&safe=active&client=ms-android-verizon&biw=360&bih=351&site=webhp&prmd=ivsn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAWoVChMImdHu4pHyyAIVBMo-Ch1CeQ9T#imgrc=ZP2Z4mIiwHFeTM%3A

  6. There should totally be Cookie Response Cars! You can call them when you’re desperate for cookies but can’t get away from your desk, right?

    I remember your birthday story. It was part of Karen’s Advent Calendar 🙂

    1. I’d drive one, if I didn’t fear I’d park it in a remote lot and eat the profits, Tamara. They’d probably set up a station near me for convenience.

      Yes, that was in Karen’s advent calendar! Love that I got a chance to tell it again.

  7. Oooh… We need a cookie response team! Send them my way, STAT!

    And I love the story behind the storm troopers. I’d never thought to ask – it’s Star Wars. It’s cool. You didn’t need a reason behind that – but the story makes it even better.

    1. Tax payers would love that, wouldn’t they? Can you imagine the delayed response time?

      The story was a great way for me to draw back to my childhood, get my dad in, and give this place a signature.

  8. I’m petrified for new Star Wars. I think that I may need to take my own car and have an out. Like.. “I’m anxious – I need to get out of here!” I hope my family understands. It’s deep to me. Like as deep as your story about your dad.
    My dad too. 1984.

    1. There should be a button for we purists to hit that stops the movie, turns up the lights and lets us get out and go home.

      Dads in the 80s rocked. All we parents now can do is hope we’ve inherited a bit of it.

  9. Aw, the story of your dad and the Star Wars actions figures is awesome! I am excited to see the newest one, from the comforts of my couch 🙂 I don’t mind waiting just a tad longer.

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