So it turns out I’m not so swift on the follow-through.
I don’t mean bowling or finishing my pizza crusts. I take a stand in society against two of the biggest travesties to threaten the very essence of our survival: Littering and tail-gating in school buses. Wait, you didn’t realize that’s a thing?
When you drive as slow as this guy does, it is.
I’ve jotted down bus numbers and snapped mobile-phone shots of the offenders, noting the time of day and road traveled and other details. I’m pretty sure Sherlock Holmes would appreciate my attention to detail.
(Not THIS Sherlock Holmes.)
I intend to report to the Swat-a-Litterbug hotline or Report Dangerous Drivers. The bus numbers get lost on my messy floorboard, and the photo surveillance I take doesn’t crop up until I’m in search of a pic of the girls for a post.
I see the back end of a filthy white minivan and can’t remember if the driver tossed a McMuffin wrapper or a cigarette butt. So maybe I should leave the police-in to the pros – or their appointed amateurs.
1. What is Citizens on Patrol?
Citizens on Patrol is a band of neighbors who are the “eyes and ears” of Law Enforcement.
Local police departments screen and background check all applicants, and then bring them on as the JV unit. A 20-year tradition, Citizens on Patrol monitors every state in the union with a force 75,000 strong. They even get to drive cop cars!
They’re on the lookout for suspicious activity (such as a grown-ass man attempting to take mobile-phone photos backward of the school bus riding his tail), crimes in process and lend a helping hand to stranded motorists. These volunteers even check in on the elderly.
Maybe one of them saw a dirty white Pontiac driving to slow in front of a litterbug.
2. How does your skin stretch when you gain weight?
Skin’s somewhat elastic, as you can prove by tugging on any number of your parts.
Skin must stretch, whether we’ve gained mass by calzone or barbell curls. It’s like those days I try to fit into a size large hoodie after a cookie fest. It’s like pizza dough, your skin, in that it can stretch – to an extent. (It’s not like pizza dough in that it’s best with a buttery crust.)
Collagen in the skin gives it that elasticity. It doesn’t do such a swell job of shrinking back up if you happen to lose a bunch of weight, though.
3. What’s the SR for on Steve Smith’s football jersey?
That’s for ‘senior,’ perhaps to alleviate confusion that it might be his son, Steve Jr., nabbing passes and slinging Pacman Jones to the turf.
When Smith signed with the Baltimore Ravens, he hinted at a jersey change as a shout-out to his kid. When Smith signed with Baltimore, the Ravens had receiver Torrey Smith on the roster. So something had to give. “S. Smith” maybe didn’t sound so kickass.
I hope we haven’t seen the last of Steve Smith Sr. He’d announced he’d retire at the end of this season, then suffered a season-ending Achilles’ tendon injury last Sunday.
Here’s hoping he’ll come back for one more year.
4. Who is that mascot made of wheat?
You don’t mean Dig ‘Em Frog, that affable and fresh mascot for Honey Smacks cereal. They have wheat, the cereal, I think, but he’s all frog.
(Complex.com named Dig ‘Em the 23rd coolest snack mascot ever, then whined about his political incorrectness. Please. The Frito Bandito caught the site’s ire, too, which should signal to the thinking world that some of us think of things in which to find offense.)
Not since Children of the Corn has so much fear been struck from a threat traditionally planted, watered and harvested. WuShock reps sports teams at Wichita State.
He’s a Shocker, a bundle of wheat with an attitude, stuffed into a black sweater with yellow letters on the chest.
He’s officially the only mascot in America made primarily of the same ingredients as a loaf of bread.
5. Didn’t a football player shoot himself in the chest so scientists could study his brain?
Yes, he did. That would be Dave Duerson, former of the Chicago Bears.
Duerson died in 2011. He suspected hits sustained in his 11 NFL seasons led to him developing Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, a trauma induced disease. Just 50 when he died, he penned a note before he shot himself in the chest. “Please, see that my brain is given to the NFL’s brain bank,” it read.
That brain bank: Boston University’s Center for the Study of Traumatic Encephalopathy. They found that Duerson, who’d complained about his deteriorating mental state for months before his death, was right.
They found that he had CTE.
I wish the NFL could do more to protect the players. I’ve written about it. It feels like there’s not much else I can do.
The NFL, though? I wish they were better than I am at the follow-through.