I’ve wanted to write this post for a while.
Mostly because jokes rock. Especially when kids tell them. Can I get a witness from parents who’ve gone through the “I love knock-knock jokes” phase of childhood?
(It occurs somewhere between potty-training mastery and third grade.)
[Did you know 83% of all knock-knock jokes aren’t actually funny?]
I’m lousy at remembering and sometimes delivering a good joke. It’s easier and more effective to simply make fun of something or someone. But I digress. For this post, I’ve lifted jokes I’ve found on the Internet.
Relax. I’m totally crediting the source and even linking to them.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars haircuts.”
Two congressmen disagreed about what sort of pan should be used to cook pancakes. It’s just another example of griddlelock.”
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “It’s $12 for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “So, you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman.”
Can you share your own joke of the day?
And which of these is your favorite? Or at least the least sucky?