Guest Post: Charlotte of My Pixie Blog, on Shifting with your Relationship


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photo credit: “The Empire has a legion of loyal soldiers that are in endless supply.” via photopin (license)

Sometimes, a post comes along at just the right time.

guest postIt’ll show up in your feed like a fresh pizza on the buffet the moment you clean your 13th plate. It’s like, divine intervention. And it’s even cooler when this post comes through from a guest writer.

Charlotte writes My Pixie Blog, where she chronicles “love, life and lessons learned.” She writes on love and relationships, in an engaging, poignant way I’ve come to love. You will to, once you read her.

She came to Coach Daddy for a post about snacks – and left hungry. Today, she’s shown up with a post on relationships so incredibly timely and relevant that I can’t even set the scene.

She’s invited me to come to her place and do the same from the male point of view.

If I can do that to even 11% of what she has … well, a dude can dream. Please give Charlotte a warm CD welcome, and be sure to check out My Pixie Blog, too.

The mental shift that made all the difference in my relationship

12 9 boyfriend
photo credit: via photopin (license)

When I first met my boyfriend four years ago, I never would have imagined that one day we’d sit in therapy together or that there would ever be a need to “spice things up” (whatever the hell that means).

We were magnets for each other—neither one of us wanted to let go first. I remember the first time we met and I casually invited him to my apartment after we’d closed out the bar. What was I thinking?? I never would allow a stranger up on a first date! But it was as if we had known each other for years; we simply didn’t want that first date to ever end.

It’s so easy to think that two people can continue living in that eternal state of bliss, but I’m here to tell you what you probably already know. It takes work, and a relationship can’t survive if one person checks out or doesn’t pull his or her weight. That foundation will crumble, distorting memories of the past and leaving layers of distrust, anger, and resentment in their place.

Sometimes I get caught in a funnel of despair and feel alone on this path. Other times, just going to therapy makes me feel like a failure.

The truth of the matter is, it’s easy to blame shift and shirk responsibility when the shit hits the fan. I mean, who the hell wants to step up and work at something that should come naturally? And what happened to that couple that couldn’t keep their hands off each other?

Years of (in)experience have taught me that there are no rules and no two relationships are ever the same. As we reach certain benchmarks in life, our expectations shift—we bend in places we never thought possible and we stand firm on things that hadn’t crossed our minds previously. We evolve along with our deal breakers.

Recently my best friend went through a breakup; it was a crushing ripple that caused the couples around her to look at their relationships in a whole new light. If they couldn’t make it, how the hell could the rest of us survive?

Slowly, something amazing happened. These two forlorn lovers rolled up their sleeves, buried their egos, and got to work. They stopped sugar coating, started admitted to wrongdoings, and they picked up the pieces. One by one.

They worked and worked and worked, while putting the rest of us to shame.

It was incredible to watch this gut-wrenching reunion unfold and it made me realize that what I share with Bryan today is infinitely better than that initial lust we had in a bar in Hoboken.

That part came easy. The rest will always be work—what I’m learning is that it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.

What’s made the big difference in your relationship?

relationships post

 

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50 Replies to “Guest Post: Charlotte of My Pixie Blog, on Shifting with your Relationship”

  1. great and powerful thought-provoking piece. it’s important not to surrender too easily, if something is worth saving. if not, time to move on. it sounds like she did the work and the relationship is made better for ti. as for me, with the relationship I’m in now, it has to do with mutual respect, love and truly caring about how each other is doing. i’ve been through relationships where this was lost or never happened.

    1. Sadly, there are some relationships that are beyond repair (and I’ve been in those, too). But I totally agree with what you said re: not surrendering too easily. No relationship is ever a walk in the park though some couples make it look so easy. The important thing is to establish that love and respect… and to be present in the relationship. XOXO and thank you so much for the comment! XOXO

  2. Absolutely perfectly said and I just couldn’t agree more that relationships take work to keep afloat as well strong and healthy. So reading this was a breath of fresh air and most definitely heartwarming.

  3. Ah. Now this is an important message! It’s always hard to believe in the early stages of any relationship that passion will ever start to, well, fizzle. Working out how to move forward in the long term is hard work! I’d love to give you some special tidbit from our relationship (12 years and counting) – but like everyone there are ups and downs. Finding time together; scheduling time together; taking time to talk to each other – all important. We recently started carpooling to work together and I think that even helped because we suddenly had 30 minutes x 2 together twice a day sans kids that we didn’t before. You need to take advantage of those times!

    1. I LOVE THIS! Thank you so much for sharing–I think you are absolutely right that making the time for each other is always of the utmost importance. And how incredibly sweet that you thought to carpool together to have even more of it 🙂 LOVE!

  4. Great question, what makes the big difference?
    For me it may be to let go of expectations and to not ask what the other person may do for me, but what I can do for them.
    Friends of ours are working real hard right now. They signed up for dance lessons and adopted a dog. Does it have to be that tough?

    1. Great advice, Tamara–thank you so much for the comment.

      I think it’s amazing that your friends are working so hard at it. Nothing in life ever comes easy and I think we assume relationships will just… coast. But it’s amazing your friends are taking the time to be together and to focus on their relationship. That’s important.

  5. I can’t even describe how spot on this whole post is and beautifully written! Falling in love is easy, staying in love is the hard part.

    Thank you Charlotte, awesome post!

  6. I’ve learned more from the fall out of my relationships, which I guess is actually learning from the relationships themselves. I definitely know now which battles are the ones worth fighting for.

    I said someplace else yesterday, my ideal is someone I can “introvert” with…too often, I gave up my down time because of a partner that was more extroverted and social than I am. I need the balance of someone who will force me off the couch, but not every single weekend.

    1. I totally get this. It’s really important to find someone who not only understands but respects this as well. And I think every relationship–whether good or bad–teaches us something about who we are and what we’re looking for. Thanks so much for leaving this comment, Holly! 🙂

  7. Learning that our love had more evolved than changed was a hard lesson for me. But once I had learned it I was that much more appreciative of it. Excellent words here. We grow, we change, we adapt.

  8. Therapy here!
    I love that you talk openly about the therapy and the problems. All of that stuff happens to all of us, but generally more to married people. Somehow I think you’re ahead of the game. That’s all I can really say.

    And seeing you here is FUN!! Two of my favorites together.

    1. THANK YOU, TAMARA! You know you are one of my favorites, too–so lovely to see you here and I thank you kindly for your words. I hope that’s true, that we’re ahead of the game. Sometimes it can be so discouraging BUT I think at the very least it opens dialogue and conversation which is always a good thing.

      XOXO

  9. Perfect words to feature for the holidays. Home for the holidays is with my family and thankfully, an 87 year old Mom.♡
    **Hope yours, both guest writer and you is wonderful!!**

  10. I so agree with you, Charlotte. I appreciate your candid writing on your relationship too because it’s easier to pretend everything is perfect. It’s absolutely true that relationships go through stages and that first one is full of passion and heat. We think it will last forever but that’s an illusion. Love can last forever though (I’m a believer). It may not be as heated as the beginning but it doesn’t go away. It just goes dormant. Besides, if we kept in that first stage we, none of us, would get anything done! Someone told me once that the secret to their long, loving marriage was to not fall out of love at the same time. Food for thought.

    Good for you for going to therapy and working out issues before they become obstacles. Beautifully written post, Charlotte!

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