Man, the Internet.
Man the kids on the Internet. One of my girls got thrown for a loop when, on an innocent Google search, she discovered photos of Britney Spears and Madonna – about to kiss. I know you have stories in your house, when the World Wide Web and your not-so-worldly kids collided.
Add in the clickbait factor, and, well, you’re in for a bucket and a half of trouble.
The teenagers asked for and got new devices for Christmas. Blue screens often light up their faces. They have that slack-jaw look about them, as they swipe and scroll through what I hope is just Instagram and I Funny. Maybe even a little Coach Daddy.
I’ve tried the tactic of overstating my ability to monitor them, to limited results.
At least the prospect of what they find can entertain us all in the form of Go Ask Daddy questions. For the new or uninformed, Coach Daddy is a compilation of my girls’ questions, randomly selected from a list about 400 strong.
What’s the universe got in store for us this week?
1. Did you hear about the woman who got a third boob between her other two?
Not until that very moment – and it conjured images of something off Monsters Inc.
That woman you found online (give me that tablet you little …) didn’t actually have the plastic surgery she claimed to implant the third mammary. Jasmine Tridevil had her moment in the sun, like I did in third grade when I told the class I was born in Australia.
Never mind that.
Someone stole Jasmine’s luggage off the conveyor belt at Tampa International Airport. The cops caught the perps, though, but had to go through the bag as procedure. That’s when they found the Tri-Teat, which Jaz said cost a cool Five Grand.
It’s an important lesson to not believe what you see online – and good gracious, stay away from the clickbait. Someone needs to write about a weird trick to keep them from popping up everywhere.
2. What is a poi ball for?
It’s an ancient flexibility and strength tool from New Zealand for your hands and arms.
Seriously. No clickbait here. It also improves coordination. Poi is Maori for “ball on a rope,” which is an incredible efficiency of letters. The ladies used them for super strength while weaving; the dudes sharpened up for battle with a little poi play.
They also do this with them, in Hawaii:
I’m wholly convinced they’d become weapons in your hands, girls.
3. Which songs of ours have you given a thumbs up to on Pandora?
I’ve steered clear of Pandora for so long girls, but I’m going to queue it up now and see.
I can tell you three I wouldn’t thumbs-up if thumbs-upping would magically tie Marshawn Lynch’s shoestrings together:
Hello, Adele | I could write an entire post about the fallacy of the mindset in these lyrics
Like I’m Going to Lose You, Meghan Trainor | Its.on.every.station.all.the.time.
Love Me Like You Do, Ellie Goulding | That chorus is like plucking out nose hairs.
But, there are songs of yours I’ve liked …
A Thousand Years, Christina Perri | It’s a good … love song.
In The End, Linkin Park | A pretty decent anthem, actually.
I Wish, Cher Lloyd | Okay, so this led to music love. But it also let in tons of junk.
4. What happens if they get tackled in their end zone?
It’s called a safety, although the player being tackled in the end zone must not feel incredibly safe.
It results in two points for the defensive team. The best part of the occurrence of a safety, however, is by far the sight of 300-pound men dancing and holding their palms together over their over-sized heads.
(That’s the official signal for safety, and doing this routine helps the referees make the right call.)
Your dad had the distinction of being hit for not one, but two safeties in one game. As a halfback for the Jackson Park Jayhawks, I watched in futility as our offense marched down the field – the wrong way. We lost more yards than we gained.
Never won a game, never scored a point.
Anyway, we got backed up a few times against our own goal line. Our intrepid coach called my number both times – and my offensive line stood strong as cheap toilet paper. I cried after the second safety – out of frustration and my proper place in youth football yore.
5. Do weather people have TVs on the side?
Yes. It’s the only way they can tell where Shelby or Stanfield or Smyrna is.
A chroma key wall – the green wall, as it’s commonly called – allows the weather maps to appear anywhere the set is green. This is why no weather forecaster can wear green – or risk something like this happening:
Which makes me want to try. But can you imagine that clickbait headline?
This dad wore green boxers for a weather forecast. You won’t believe what happens next!