Go Ask Daddy About Pork Byproducts, Religious Claymation and the Moral Conflict of Non-Frosted Flakes


2 5 lede
photo credit: Imperial Art Appreciation: Orange via photopin (license)

Today, my friends, I stand bravely.

GAD GRAPHICI’ll venture into a sea of Carolina blue, of school pep rallies and retail mayhem. It’s the fever that surrounds your average Super Bowl. This one is mighty, not only because it’s Super Bowl 50, but because it pits my native home team (the Denver Broncos) with my adoptive one (Carolina Panthers).

Today, schools will force my very children, fans of the Cardinals, 49ers and Broncos, to wear Panthers gear in the name of civic pride.

Donkey pucks, I say. While full classes dab and chant derogatory remarks about our beloved Broncos, the team of my father and my grandfather before me, I know that odds are we’ll all feel the torture of a sixth Super Bowl loss.

Dallas. Washington. New York Giants. San Francisco. Seattle.

Carolina, next?

My niece came home in tears from school because kids said mean things about the Broncos. We’re a fun-loving, granola crowd, we Broncos faithful. No hate.

No one’s giving Denver a chance. My niece came home in tears from school because kids said mean things about the Broncos. Grace is pulling for Denver with me. My co-workers swiped my Broncos helmet and defaced it with post-its and hand-drawn Panthers logos.

That all you got, Carolina? Because you ain’t seen anything like this Broncos team yet.

all you got

Dab on that.

1. Why do they call them hot dogs if they’re made of pigs?

So, I just clicked in and right back out of the PETA website.

I turned instead to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, as I did before for a similar question. Legend has it a cartoonist with a spelling problem coined the phrase hot dog. Once known as red hot dachshund dogs, they became hot dogs when a cartoonist wasn’t sure how to spell dachshund.

And so the iconic cylindrical pork snack became a hot dog.

2. Can you get negative points in fantasy football?

For sure. In the real NFL, if they implemented a similar scoring system, maybe the patriots would beat the Bills 9 to -3.

Should your quarterback get sacked or throw interceptions, he could see his totals slump below sea level.

Unofficial research brought up names such as Ryan Leaf and Phil Rivers and even Payton Manning (must have been in his Colts days) as players who turned in negative-number fantasy football days.

The Saints used the Giants as a toilet-bowl scrub brush to the tune of 49 points allowed – and -10 fantasy points. Go big blue!

I’ll stop at the first double-digit crap day I found: a -10 masterpiece by the New York Giants a couple of years ago when they let Drew Brees and the Saints use them as a toilet bowl scrub brush to the tune of 49 points allowed.

3. Who were the people made of clay?

The Bible, Koran and stories of Greek mythology all reference men born of clay.

None of those are as cool as the tale of the Golem. He’s a clay man of Jewish legend, magically brought to life. Golem means ‘incomplete,’ which would make it an awesome nickname for me.

What isn’t cool is that the golem was considered the dummy of the Talmud, the foil to the wise man. So it seems the notion that one can be dumb as dirt is surpassed only by the idea that one can be stupid as clay.

4. What is a polymer?

Polymers are synthetics, as in plastics or resins.

In a street fight, a polymer will beat a Golem 73% of the time. It’s in the bible.

Basically, all the yard ornaments of a 70-plus year old Panthers fan: Frogs, gnomes, miniature Luke Kuechlys. It’s all in the molecular structure. What it’s made of and how it’s constructed can determine whether a polymer is rubbery, bouncy or hard.

In a street fight, a polymer will beat a golem 73% of the time.

5. Are these corn flakes sugar-coated?

I sit wrapping up this final Go Ask Daddy inquiry with a nearly depleted box of Harris-Teeter Frosted Flakes as my hollowed-out co-pilot.

Flakes not frosted are destined to top a casserole somewhere. Blasphemy. I’ve written about it, but it bears repeating: Non-sugar-coated corn flakes go down in history with great lies such as Sasquatch, healthcare.org and the Minnesota Vikings playoff legitimacy.

Flakes are meant to be frosted.

Men of clay are meant to be defeated.

Polymers are meant to be space age.

Chargers quarterbacks are meant to lay not a goose-egg, but a virtual and fantasirical minus sign that would make a hot dog package’s nutrition label look like a box of Whole Foods gluten-free gluten.

They’re grrrreat.

frosted flakes quote

 

 

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39 thoughts on “Go Ask Daddy About Pork Byproducts, Religious Claymation and the Moral Conflict of Non-Frosted Flakes”

  1. Now I have Tony The Tiger and “They’re Grrreat” in my head LOL! Oh well, it is a snow day here today and NY so I am assuming my kids won’t let me have time to think about this for long though! 😉

  2. Non frosted flakes end up on tuna casserole. Y U C K. -15 points for tuna casserole. NO DABS for tuna casserole. P.s. You should read my tuna casserole blog to find out how I really feel about tuna casserole!

    1. the only positive thing about that is that two nasty food get amalgamated and kept off my plate.

      Dabbing is the tuna casserole of touchdown celebrations.

      I need to check out this hate blog of yours on the tuna!

  3. I think the Broncos are just where they want to be: underdogs, under appreciated and under the radar. So when they win, do you thing Peyton will ride off into the sunset of retirement?

    1. Me too, Eric. Dachshund would have sunk my battleship at a spelling bee. That, and occasion. And judgement.

      It’s not the Argos, but I hope you’ll join me in rooting for my Broncos tomorrow. Do they televise it up there?

      1. The game will be televised. Though, if the same holds true this year as in the past, we won’t get the fun commercials. We’ll get the boring Canadian ads.

      2. Oh. I forgot to add that element in there. There is retired teacher here who is a big Orioles fan. It’d be he and I vs everyone else. You’re still alive so they must have shown you a bit mercy 🙂

  4. My husband is convinced that the Bronco’s will lose too and I have shushed him receptivity and asked for silence unless it’s something positive only about tomorrows big game.

    Go Broncos!

  5. i’ll root for you, eli, i know how much it means, and my lions will most likely not end up there in my lifetime. ) p.s. i couldn’t read the hot dog part, because i prefer to eat them at games without thinking about them ))

  6. Was there a game this weekend? I must have missed that one… :p I couldn’t even tell you who won, I was preoccupied in a conversation about handbags last night. Do you totally hate my guys right now? LOL

    This reminds me of the time (last week) when I went to Whole Foods and purchased organic cinnamon toast crunch which tasted like flavored cardboard and I didn’t hear the end of it from a certain boyfriend who prattled on and on about how some things didn’t need tamperin’ with. Hmph.

    1. It came on right after Mad About You and before Barney and Friends, Charlotte. I couldn’t have asked for a better Super Bowl mate than Grace.

      I could never hate your guts! In fact, it’s in diversity of interests that make the best friendships, don’t you think? I wouldn’t change a damned thing about you.

      In fact, I will side with the certain boyfriend who fights for the sovereignty of non-organic Cinnamon Toast Crunch whose deliciousness shouldn’t be tampered with any more than someone should go in and Ruth 1 in the bible or the lyrics to any Queen song. Ever.

    1. I missed that during the game, because I spent commercial breaks muttering coach speak to myself as if I was about to make the call for the Broncos. I love that mustard lady!

    2. I was happy, happy, happy Broncos won!!! We were at a friend’s house, but I wasn’t watching the game. My hubby and friend’s hubby were sitting in front of the TV. We would yell over and ask the score every once in a while….lol 😀 Caught a few commercials but watched half-time show on YouTube. We did sit down and see the last 4 minutes and the post-game show. I was really disappointed in Cam Newton’s attitude and “performance” after the game. Totally unprofessional! Acted like a teenager who didn’t get his way. smh :-/

      1. You and me both, Courtney. Why didn’t you watch? The boys crowded you out? Even when Denver isn’t in it, I can’t miss a play – even the year it was oakland and Tampa Bay.

        I missed the halftime show. You saw the dramatic portion, although there was tension throughout.

        Everyone here is defending Cam and making excuses. So I’ll just keep my headphones on, put on some Paul McCartney and Wings, and think about being champs.

    1. I wonder what some of the players from last night would have looked like on the fantasy score sheet.

      Super Bowls can suck, for sure. This one didn’t for me. Plenty have before.

  7. I have corn flakes in my basement pantry. They are not frosted. Which IS why they are in the basement pantry, and not my kitchen. We will take them camping. The last of the foods to be eaten. After even the hot dog that fell into the fire.

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